Well, I am going to be heading out on retreat soon and I am not as excited as I was before. Maybe a little fearful of what to expect. When I initially planned the retreat I was really struggling not only with IF, but also with some sorrow and concerns for my overall life and dreams of my future. God has given me a peace since that time and has even helped me to work out some of those things I was struggling with so much. As I typed this words, I wonder if he brought me to my knees so I would schedule the retreat and know that only he could bring me peace and since I did so he brought me peace of heart so that when I got to retreat I would not be so filled with sorrowful emotions but wonder and awe at his great love for me. I really think that God is calling me to himself at this time not to bring only me joy, but to bring him joy. I think that he wants to spend time with me alone so that he can remind me of his great love for me. He loves me just as I am and he does not love me any less because I struggle with my cross of less than perfect (WAY LESS) fertility. I just keep getting this image that I am going on retreat to be romanced by God. Does this sound silly? I just keep thinking that God is a jealous God and this is time that he wants my undivided attention for some reason. I know that I have shared with you all that this lent has been very challenging and fruitful. I will never be the same since I learned so many truths this year. Yesterday as I was praying before mass, I offered up my suffering to him. I told him "why do so many people have to suffer in not getting what they desire and dream of?" Then I realized that there are many times when we suffer with the things that we said we wanted and when we do get our way. I could not help but think about women who felt that they could not handle a baby when they were blessed with one and had an abortion. They were able to get what they wanted - a life with out a baby at that time, but for how many years of suffering just for getting their way at that time.
I have come to the conclusion that when God wants to place a child in my womb through the union of my husband and I, he will. I have come to the conclusion that if he desires for us to adopt a child, he will bring us one. I will pray that he will help us discern which road to prepare for and when. I will not lean on my own understanding, but have faith in God. I know that I am writing these words bc I am at peace, but I pray that I can live them out even when I am sorrowful.
In cycle news, I am on cd 17. I had 6 days of red followed by five days of green, one white baby, and then four more green stickers. I keep praying that I did not miss my peak day. The one day of white baby stamp was great 10kl - 1x. Today, I did see some 6k so maybe I am getting ready to ovulate. I am feeling better and took my last dose of mucinex on sat. night. I hope I don't need it while on retreat, but I will bring it just in case.
Well, ladies, I will be praying for all of us while on retreat and thanking God for sending me such great companions on this road of seeking optimal fertility. Am I in denial since I hate to use the word 'infertile' to describe myself? I know that was me, but I am hoping that is not me now!
Go get you some God Sweet Mazey! ;)
ReplyDeletehehehehe Pray for me!!!
I hope you enjoy your trip!
As I read your words, I could tell that God has certainly been talking to you. God wants all of ourselves, not just part. By going on your retreat, I believe that you will become closer in your relationship with God and in many ways reconnect to Him. For me when God wants my attention, He gets it by dropping me to my knees. When I am on my knees I can not think of anything else but Him. As I remain there, that is when I am the most connected sometimes and the most open to what He has to put on my heart. I am thankful that God loves me so much and provides grace for my life. On Sunday at church, one of our praise team singers made a comment that has stuck in my mind. He said that we are to leave our crosses with God and let him have then, because when we go and try to pick them back up again, they only gets heavier. I think this is so true.
ReplyDeleteHave an absolutely wonderful time on your retreat. My thoughts and prayers will be with you as always too.
Hugs and blessings,
Stacey
Thank you so much for sharing the priest's advice with me. It seems that is what God expects of us, huh? Even though it is difficult, and we don't understand the mystery of prayer, and God's will ... I can't help but think about the widow whose request was finally granted because of her persistence.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as I read that, I prayed a really honest prayer to God that came straight from the heart. It was probably the first time in a while I had the courage to really ask for a baby.
Thank you and may God Bless YOU with the desire of your heart SOON!