bed rest

i was doing great yesterday and got my injection @ noon on wednesday. today, at 6am, i saw pink on the tissue, so i talked to dr. h & he tld me to stay off my feet for 48 hrs. he said this doesn't mean i am miscarrying, just that i need to be careful. i have had vl b all day. this is in all lower case bc i am using one fingeer to type. i have been praying all day and am so grateful for all your prayers! thank. i am gun shy right now & am doing everything i can to let faith take away any fear i may have. love to you all and know that i am praying for all of thoughout the day.

WOW - God is gracious!

Warning - this is probably the longest blog I have ever written. Keep reading though, no matter how disjointed it may all sound :)
There is so much to share. All weekend I kept waiting for a new cycle to start. Although despite desperately not wanting to see any evidence of one, but keenly aware that it was probably just moments away. We thought we could take a hpt after p+17 and to my shock – it came back positive. Then I consulted hcg med instruction form from PPVI and found out that even on P+17, I would still have a good amount of hcg in my body from my medications on P+3, 5, 7, & 9. So I was thinking that this was pure torture that I inflicted on myself. This all happened on Saturday, so to relax and distract myself, I spent some time outside and read some on my porch. It actually got chilly, so I brought out a blanket with me and just sat and read. While I was reading, a beautiful green dragonfly landed on me (on my blanket – they matched) and I kept thinking this is very unusual and I just remembering drinking in the moment. Then when I get up to head inside, I find a cracked acorn. We never have acorns around our porch, so I was stunned and filled with wonder. I guess I think of acorns as a sign of new life and I just wondered what God was preparing my heart for at this time. I had just finished reading “The Gift of the Red Bird” by Paula D’Arcy and everything thing in nature seemed to speak to me. I saw a red bird in our crepe myrtle tree and we never have those around our yard either and for some reason, I have been sensing that the red bird was bringing me hope that God has my future all figured out. I need to go out and sing my song, like the Red Bird. Well, we wondered if maybe we could see a difference on the test by checking on Sunday. Well, that one came back positive, too. I was starting to get my hopes up – but then I read info on the internet and thanks to Dr. Sew, I realized that there is so much hcg left in my body, that the tests were more than likely false positives. So we went to mass and did our normal Sunday things and then went home that afternoon. On Monday, I was P+19, so I dutifully called the nurse to let her know that I needed to have a blood test. Actually, that is not how the conversation went. I asked her, do you think something is wrong? Did I miscalculate my P day, did I accidentally take the hcg meds at the wrong time. Because my chart was still filled with white babies, I was thinking I just messed up another month. I really had no idea how the clomid would affect my cycle. So I just had to surrender and let her wisdom bring peace to my weary heart. Well, she told me to go get blood test right away. I asked her if my results from my P+7 blood draw was post-ovulatory? She assured me they were definitely post ovulatory. Ok, so then I go to get my blood work done, which is about a 20 min. drive from my office. Because I went at a different time when all of my normal Lab crew is gone to lunch, so I have people I have never met and I give the girl the instructions for the blood draw and she takes a very long time to enter all of the data into the computer and they are confused about the orders. Give me a break already? So finally, the girl takes my blood – two vials. Not so bad, except that she was not gentle with the needle.
Well, I am just beside myself at this time that the nurse could possibly think I am pregnant and I overwhelmed with worries, questions, and wondered if I just paid for the most expensive way to get a new cycle to start? On my way back to my office, my car does not want to shift and I have lots of bridges to cross. I keep going, thinking I have to get back to work. I then find myself stranded at a local parking lot, bc it looks like my transmission is messing up. So I call J to get him to come rescue me. We knew of no mechanic in this area and we were unsure if we could get it to one the way it was running. I just would not let myself get stressed about it, I had so much more on my mind and this was not helping. So then we finally make it to a mechanic’s shop about a mile away from my office and then J drops me off at work. I am starting to cramp and feel really weak. No food, but gave blood on my lunch break. Not good. I finally find some cheeseits and lemon cookies and eat that and I start to feel a little better. It is quiet in the office and I try so hard to relax. No news all day Monday. We go home late that night and overall, once I got home I relaxed. I went to bed thinking, could there be a possibility I might be pregnant? Then during the night, I went to the bathroom at 2 am and wiped and saw very light pink spotting. I went back to bed and told my husband “Well, my period is coming. I am starting to spot.” Then I woke up the next morning and nothing on the tissue but a little yellowy mucus. This concerns me, but I am so glad not to see RED.

Then on tuesday I call the lab to ask them if they got to fax the results to PPVI. They said they had. I did not ask for the results, because I wanted to hear the nurse from PPVI to let me know, I figure she would be more compassionate in telling me the results. This lady I was talking too told me that they had to ship some blood to Omaha. So that right there gave me the idea that I might be pregnant but we were not sure. Then about an hour later, we get a call from our favorite nurse who tells me that I am pregnant. I was blown away and J was too. I was immediately cautious because of the spotting etc.

So we shared that information with our immediate family yesterday. I was unsure to do that because we are not certain that I will be able to stay pregnant although we hope with everything that is in us, that we will.

We are very excited and to think that I got this news on St. Gianna’s feast day. I am still in complete shock.

As I was typing this, I got a call from the nurse who told me my progesterone is really low, 10.2. I am starting progesterone injections today and will do the 2x week and then get my blood drawn every two weeks. I am a little scared right now, knowing that my progesterone is dropping.
Then I get the next call from my local doctor’s office telling me that they can schedule me for my first ultrasound and ob appt on May 7 at 9:30 am. I have quickly been ushered into a new way of life and as much as I prayed and prepared for this, I am startled to find out how overwhelming it all is. They are talking to me in weeks now and I am feeling overwhelmed. I don’t want to say I am afraid, but that is the emotion I experiencing. I just lay it all at God’s feet.
Please pray. I just got the delivery of my progesterone. The nurse told me to take it immediately.

Day of Tea & Crabs!

Well, today was a family day. First off, J and I went to mass at the first church we went to together while we were dating and it just felt like going home with all of the familiar faces. Then my Mom's church had a "Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend Tea" with all of the trimmings. So we all got dressed up and went together with one of my favorite aunts. It was a celebration of women and the people at my mom's church are the most kind people I have ever met. They are so welcoming and affirming. God must surely be pleased with their welcoming spirit.
J's parents called us as we were heading home and told us that had a great morning of crabbing (have any of y'all done that before?) and they wanted to share their crabs with us. So we are boiling some right now. I am so excited. I love boiled crabs. I have some corn I am going to make to go with it. Yum.
I am still waiting for a new cycle to start unless God is going to suprise us. If you all have some time, please pray for us. I am having some slight cramping but it comes and goes. I am trusting the Lord with my heart. I know whatever path he is calling me to, he will walk by my side.
God's blessings to you all! Gotta go and get some crabs! Little blessings are the best.

Plummeting

Today was a crazy day of mixed emotions. I checked my temp upon waking and it was still elevated, which suprised me. I have been feeling lots of bodily signs that cd 1 is inevitably close. My mindset is that I am not going to breakdown emotionally when AR arrives. Although there were a few times today that I was near tears, I was thankful to have some time to myself this evening to just build up my stamina for the emotional roller coaster that I have a gut feeling ia just around the corner. My husband, who does not deserve my wrath today, is fishing with his dad for a few hours.
I am having a hard time at work with someone who I feel talks down to me and in a very disrespectful manner. I have tried to peacefully address it with her and she simply told me that I am probably overqualified for my job and that is why I probably get offended by the way she talks to me. What? Overqualified or not, I deserve respect and kindness. There is only 3 people that work in my office and it is me, her, and a kind, old priest. I have been trying to monitor if I am being overly sensitive to her comments. But today her comments really cut me deeply and I just wanted to lash out at her. I found out today that she is telling the staff that I don't like her. I don't like the way she treats me. I know she has to have a good heart. Just treat me well and communicate what you have to say about me to me. I have good communication skills. I tell you, I have a degree in Psychology - I have worked with the poorest and most disabled people in my part of the world and I have worked with some of the wealthiest and most advantaged people in this area. I am a christian. I am catholic and I have been taught to treat everyone with kindness. If a prostitute came to my door, I would treat them the same as a priest. I will share my bread with them, I will still offer them a warm cup of coffee. I would offer a listening ear. What you do, where and how you were educated, the color of your skin, your mother or father is not going to determine how I respond to you! The fact that you are a human being is enough for me to know that my God given privelage is to treat you with respect and kindness. You are the face of Christ, no matter what! I don't know what is going on and when my feelings are hurt, I tend to want to find someone and see what their perspective is on the issue and it comes across as me gossiping about this lady. Later on in the day, I continued to treat her with kindness.
I have had enough. I am not going to be run off, I am not going to let someone else determine my actions. I have never had someone in a job treat me like this and she is my direct supervisor and I am working for the church! I just keep humbling myself. God have mercy on me.
Onto a completely different note, I had bought some tickets to see Christopher West at a family gathering they are doing for our Diocese in May, but I ended up forgetting about the event when I planned a getaway weekend for J and I on the same weekend. So my dear friend hadn't bought her tickets yet so I was going to give them to her this afternoon. This is my friend who has a 5 year old, a 3 1/2 year old, and a 2 year old. Their house is very busy, but her and her husband are amazing. So anyway I was over there for just a few minutes today and was chasing after all three of them so my friend could get ready for her confirmation class (oh yeah - she is a massage thereapist part time and teaches confimration too). The simple act of putting on shoes and shorts, holding hands to go down the steps, etc just made me long for the busyness of that kind of household. I know once I get that I may be bald from pulling out of my hair - but that is truly what I desire. I don't desire to have children bc of having them for a possession or even for a notch in some competition. I want that lifestyle. I want that life of nurturning. I heard that this foreing lanuage (can't remember which) definition of a mother was 'collector of the dirt'. Always cleaning and readying. Just like what God does for us in the confessional. He collects the dirt and makes us presentable.
Anyway, so while I am saying that I am glad that I can see progress in my blood work, on my charts, ect - I am still hopeful that I will have a loud house one day with milk spills and socks to pick up. I long for the day I will be able to nurse a child and lay them quietly to sleep. I dream of what lullibies I will sing to my little ones. This is my desire. It is instinctual and it is still not going away!
God, have pity on me.

Blood results

I called Dr. H's office today to get the results of my p+7 results and was astonished! My progesterone doubled! It was 20.6, whereas the last time it was checked it was 10.1. My estradoil improved too, jumping up to 10.2 (it was previously 7.1). I was told that Dr. H likes to have the progesterone # to be at least 13 or above. He likes to see the estradoil at 12 or above. So I am doing better on the progesterone levels, but still have quite a bit of improvement to look foward to in the future. Nowhere near the phenomenal numbers as some of you ladies out there, but enough to bring some peace to my heart about the path we are on at this time.
I was and still am so excited about my progesterone levels! It is nice to see some progress! I am starting to feel a little normal. Notice I said a little.

Temps w/ update

I am doing my dreaded t3 monitoring today and my temps seem a little high to me. Since I do not have any real training in NFP (sympto-thermal) I am wondering if these temps are typical. My waking temp Friday was 98.5 and then i forgot to take it the rest of the day so I started again today. This morning my waking temp was 98.54 and then for the 11am check was 99.17 (pulse 80). I don't feel like I have a fever and I think that they (nurses from PPVI) tend to think that anything over 99 could be just a slight temp. I don't really know. I haven't been real active today, just typical walking around to the guesthouses and sitting at my desk working on the summer brochure. I don't know what to think. I do know that my cold and sore throat that I had earlier this month has gotten better, but I wake up needing to clear my throat of cold every morning still. Not taking mucinex, bc with my calculations (allow for tons of errors) I am at P+12. Anyone with experience on this please offer some insight.

Praying for all of you!
Quote from today's meditation:
"God's activity can never be anything but good and does not need to be reformed or controlled. It began at the creation of the world and up to now has continued with the same energy, which knows no limits. It's fertility is inexhaustible!"
Jean-Pierre de Caussage from Abandoment to Divine Providence

***UPDATE***
Now I actually feel like I have a fever. I am flushed and my cheeks are warm. I wallowed in my suffering by getting an ice cream cone from mcdon.alds on my lunch break! I don't know why i would have a fever though. I will be stouthearted and wait for the Lord!

Covered in His grace!

The last few days have been very reflective for me. Yesterday afternoon, I got really angry just thinking about women have been blessed with gift of motherhood who despise their vocation or at least exemplify this in their behavior and words (even around their own children). As I was thinking about it, it made me wonder "Is the very gift that God has given them meant to be their cross?" I firmly believe that for some people who did not plan to have children but were lucky enough to find themselves with child can grow into amazing mothers and become a better lover of Christ in the midst of surrendering their control over the 'mess' they see as their lives and find themselves so grateful afterwards. Not that their path is easy, but that embrace their cross and offer it up for the good of the Kingdom of God. However, there are women who take the child, give birth to a son or daughter, and never give life (emotionally, spiritually) to this child and they grow up damaged, which by the grace of God will be restored at some point in their lives. But, if IF is my cross and I say I embrace it - what does that mean? I will always want it to change, but it seems so sad that I would spend such a tremendous amount of time crying and crying about it and begging God for it to change.
It seems that everyone wants to talk about my fertility or lack of it these days. I still get sad at people's reaction when they find out we have been trying to conceive for over 8 years. I don't tell him that before we ever knew that this would be a huge struggle for us, we found out that something was wrong with my body in 9/00, just two months after we wed. I went to the doctor, he sent me home saying that my abnormal bleeding would work it self out in time. I had never had abnormal bleeding/spotting mid cycle before I got married. Well, the problem continued over the next week, so the doctor saw me again and this time did a urine pregnancy test. I was immediately changed from that moment on. I did not think I could possibliy be pregnant yet. These things take time. But then, I realized I have always wanted this, J would be so excited. Wow, God, you are amazing!!! Then in a matter of seconds, I realized why I was really there. Abnormal bleeding/spotting. If the test showed I was pregnant - then that meant something was wrong. I remember just immediately weeping in the doctors office in the midst of all of the nurses and other patients. When they found out the results, they asked me to see the doctor in his office, so I go and WAIT. He comes in and tells me that I am in fact pregnant. He offers no congrats, just routinely looks at the due date thingie in his hands and tells me "well, it looks like your baby will be born in May. But we are going to monitor your blood to see how things are going. You will take your first blood draw today and then we will go from there." I remember, going staight to my husband's job and telling him - with a mixture of joy, awe, and fear. That next day or so, my doctor called me to tell me my levels were not great and that I would need to wait over the weekend and then test again to see if the levels were rising. At this time, I knew nothing about fertility or what hormones are supposed to be rising. I immediately changed my diet and got ready for God to take care of this baby inside of me. My husband and I prayed like we had never prayed before.
Monday came, did the bloodwork and knew to expect a call that night from my doctor. When he called I remember being on my knees as I answered the phone and my husband was right there beside me when he told me I would miscarry. He told me that since it was so early, I would need no further medical care at this time, wait 3 months to ttc again and then not have any 'unprotected intercourse' for 14 days. How do you tell a catholic couple who just got married who are now grieving not to love each other in the way God created them to love one another. The doctor told me I would have some lower back pain and bleeding and that would be when I would know that the baby has gone. I remembered being in a state of shock!!!!! I could not breathe, my sadness was too great. So since this is my cross, am I supposed to like. Am I supposed to make friends with it? So now, when people talk about us being married for so long and still ttc, I tell them, I like to think about as I have only been ttc for the last 6 mo, bc that is when my health was RESTORED! God took the broken pieces and sent me to a man of God who helped bring me healing!
I feel that I need to find consolation in being where I am at in my life right now, but always striving, begging God to bring new life to J and I. I am still boldly asking God to bless me with a baby, but I will try to bear my cross with grace. Because it is his graces that cover me!

Cat troubles

My day, hormonally was better. Haha! I guess the people around me could probably answer that question better.
I did my p+7 blood dray today. I can't wait to find out the results. I had shiny all day for all of you who chart with Creighton. I tend to do this and I wonder if the vitamin b6 could be the reason bc they have me on it daily for the whole duration of my cycles. Is this the same for any of you?
Now, for the reason of my title. Our sweet cat, Daisy, is loco. She sometimes poops in her litterbox all of the time and then every once in a while she goes through a spell of pooping right next to it. We have tried two litter boxes, the feliaway spray, etc. Now before you think her litter box is probably dirty, it is not. She may have peed in it twice, when she poops right outside of the litterbox! I am going crazy! So today I cleaned the whole room where her litter boxes are, put two fresh and clean litter boxes in the room with lots of room for scratching and then put an old towel right where she always tries to poo. Then I sprayed it with a wonderful scent. I don't know what the outcome will be. We love her so much but when a baby finally comes to live in our house we can't her pooping next to her litter box. It is unsanitary and gross! Any suggestions are welcome please!!

Enough

I told God "Enough" today! What was I thinking? When you think that you had a peak day and then have 3 dry days and then go back to having every other day with peak time mucus - it makes you want to scream! I don't even want to write these observations on my chart. I am tired. I am angry that my body can't just do one right thing! All the while I am thinking this, I wonder if all of the craziness of my body could be that "Something did work! Could I possibly be pregnant?" I feel like I am bipolar or maybe the lucky one who was given "Multiple Personalities" as part of my genes. Who the the heck knows? All I know is that I still have some pains around what I would imagine as the midpoint b/t my ovaries.
I went before the blessed sacrament today and told "God, I still want a baby. You are the one who can bring a child into existence from the union that my husband and I share. I am asking you to bring this miracle into my life."
Then I read two fantastic articles about adoption today that just make me want to ditch all of this fertility treatment and put all of my energy into adopting. See, I am losing it. A huge shift in attitude. Oh, and by the way I cannot stop eating. I am trying to make healthy choices. Although I just got a huge craving for mexican food when dinner is already cooked on the stove and it is rice and gravy. Woe is me. Just kidding!

Happy Resurrection Day!

This is the first thing I said to my husband this morning. We have so much to be thankful for today! The triduum has been different for me this year. Good, just different. After my retreat I was living out my joy in the Resurrected Christ. I was rejoicing in the fact that Christ defeated death! During my retreat we were made so aware of the suffering Christ did for us so that our sins would be wiped away and then we ended up at a place we were rejoicing in the Resurrected Christ. So I had a really tough time on Good Friday! I knew the end of the story. It was so hard for me to be contemplative, when my heart was so joyful with the reminder of Risen Christ.
Anyway, my day on Good Friday was filled with mixed emotions, but we did spend the majority of the day with my husband's family. The family time was fun. We babysat our youngest nephew (5 mo) that evening and all day Holy Saturday. He is a good baby and slept so well this time for us. It was a pure pleasure to spend time with him. I had him all to myself for the majority of Holy Saturday and we just had a ball together. He is already crawling (all the babies in my husband's family reach their motor skills really early) and we worked on sitting up without support. Then in the afternoon, my mom and aunt came around 1 pm to dye easter eggs. We had so much fun. Later, my sil and her boyfriend came by to pick up the baby. It was good for me to see that I can care for a little one and still get things done around our home. I even had a meal cooked my husband when he came home.
Well, then when our home was finally empty, we reviewed my chart and then I used my first hcg injection this cycle. Well, I am so crabby today and my body is sore in certain areas and it feels like my left ovary is being super stimulated. I did the hcg injection on that side. My bbs are sore and I wonder what intelligent woman would inject themselves with hormones they know will make their bodies feel this funky! See, I told you I was crabby. Anyway, I was scheduled to serve at Holy Mass today. After mass though, I came home ate and went to sleep bc of a bad sinus headache that just showed up this morning. It was like a bad migraine. I just had to sleep it off. DH's family cooked, so he went over there and then brought me back a plate. The food was good, but I was happier to be home sleeping than visiting the way I was feeling. Good thing I had such great family time on Friday and Saturday.
Anyway, I am going to try to head to bed soon, but I want to share with you the message from our bishop that was given for Good Friday.
"There is in fact no death without suffering and no resurrection without death. Our Lord Jesus Christ taught the interconnectedness of the three. If Christianity is the imitation of Christ, then the Christian must live this mystery. The Christian must begin where the mystery begins, with suffering. Human suffering can take many different forms. Usually we find suffering in illness and loneliness and alienation." + Bishop Glen John Provost

I have experienced all of these roots for suffering. No wonder suffering has been my companion for so long. But today, I am living in light of the resurrected Christ.
I pray that you all have so much joy that your cup overflows!

___________
Oh, by the way, the book I was referring to in my other post is called Life-Giving Love by Kimberly Hahn. I would recommend it to all of you! Maybe it can be found in a library.

Update

I got back home from retreat yesterday and was SO excited to see my husband! We had some wonderful time visiting and I was able to cook him a meal, serve him, and just talk! It is so funny to get so excited to hug and kiss your spouse! I was so happy when he got home from work and I even made a special desert for him. Banana pudding :) He loves it, I don't. What a sacrifice! Anyway, I think my peak day was yesterday which would be just perfect if God will allow new life to be nestled into my life giving womb. I was open and God's will be done! Although, I did tell God earlier today that I am still goining to ask him for a baby and by gosh, it is time to wake up and bring me one! Keep in mind that a priest told me earlier that I don't need to go piously to the throne of God and say "Well, if it is you will for me to have a baby, please give me one." Instead, he instructed me to "Go forth, tell God what you want! Be bold, explain to him that you have been waiting a long time and you are still wanting one! Wake God up!" It sounds comical now, but to be honest, the whole retreat I was trying to surrender my desire to have children and this was my answer that God is not done with me yet and that my desire to be a mother to children here on earth is not selfish, but life giving and in my giving my self to my husband I am giving him the gift of Christ! There is more to come and I am reading an amazing book that I found on retreat by Kimberly Hahn about Love and Marriage, for the life of me I can't think of the exact title, but I will share it with you all later. There are so many parts of it that just make me stop and love my God, my faith, the Church, and my husband even more!
Well, for now, I am going to head out. I get to go have lunch with my Mom today! Yeah!
Just a reminder from a calm Jesuit priest - Go to God, Wake him up! I am clinging to this!
I just have a peace that I will be pregnant one day! Only God knows when!

Heading out on Retreat

Well, I am going to be heading out on retreat soon and I am not as excited as I was before. Maybe a little fearful of what to expect. When I initially planned the retreat I was really struggling not only with IF, but also with some sorrow and concerns for my overall life and dreams of my future. God has given me a peace since that time and has even helped me to work out some of those things I was struggling with so much. As I typed this words, I wonder if he brought me to my knees so I would schedule the retreat and know that only he could bring me peace and since I did so he brought me peace of heart so that when I got to retreat I would not be so filled with sorrowful emotions but wonder and awe at his great love for me. I really think that God is calling me to himself at this time not to bring only me joy, but to bring him joy. I think that he wants to spend time with me alone so that he can remind me of his great love for me. He loves me just as I am and he does not love me any less because I struggle with my cross of less than perfect (WAY LESS) fertility. I just keep getting this image that I am going on retreat to be romanced by God. Does this sound silly? I just keep thinking that God is a jealous God and this is time that he wants my undivided attention for some reason. I know that I have shared with you all that this lent has been very challenging and fruitful. I will never be the same since I learned so many truths this year. Yesterday as I was praying before mass, I offered up my suffering to him. I told him "why do so many people have to suffer in not getting what they desire and dream of?" Then I realized that there are many times when we suffer with the things that we said we wanted and when we do get our way. I could not help but think about women who felt that they could not handle a baby when they were blessed with one and had an abortion. They were able to get what they wanted - a life with out a baby at that time, but for how many years of suffering just for getting their way at that time.
I have come to the conclusion that when God wants to place a child in my womb through the union of my husband and I, he will. I have come to the conclusion that if he desires for us to adopt a child, he will bring us one. I will pray that he will help us discern which road to prepare for and when. I will not lean on my own understanding, but have faith in God. I know that I am writing these words bc I am at peace, but I pray that I can live them out even when I am sorrowful.
In cycle news, I am on cd 17. I had 6 days of red followed by five days of green, one white baby, and then four more green stickers. I keep praying that I did not miss my peak day. The one day of white baby stamp was great 10kl - 1x. Today, I did see some 6k so maybe I am getting ready to ovulate. I am feeling better and took my last dose of mucinex on sat. night. I hope I don't need it while on retreat, but I will bring it just in case.
Well, ladies, I will be praying for all of us while on retreat and thanking God for sending me such great companions on this road of seeking optimal fertility. Am I in denial since I hate to use the word 'infertile' to describe myself? I know that was me, but I am hoping that is not me now!

Still Here

Well, I finally made it to Saturday and I am officially off for the next nine days. I am excited. I have been feeling pretty bad all week and had to take a day off on Wednesday. After resting alot that day, I thought I was over the cold/virus thing, but it returned the next morning. I was thinking that this will surely pass soon, no worries. I was coughing so much, my voice was hoarse when I would talk and I would get rare temps and then had a lot of congestion. So yesterday I sent a fax to the ppvi to see what meds that would have me take to not counteract all of the meds I am on for good reproductive health. It took them all day, but I knew they would call me by the end of the day and they did and gave me the approval to take mucinex 2xd until P+4 (if needed that long) and it should not conteract the way my body was handling all of the other meds. Long story short, I called DH and he assured me that we has some mucinex at home and so as soon as I walked in the door, he had me a pill and a glass of water. I love this man. He even made us some tuna sandwiches and we stayed on the couch watching a love story until we finally went to bed. Now I was already crabby just being sick and the mucinex made me dazy and silly - what a great combination. This was the first time I took it and I was really tired after taking it, very relaxed. Well, that pill lasted until this morning and when I woke up at six, I was coughing up a storm and kept having a tickle in my throat. I took my second dose of the meds and went back to sleep. Had my alarm on for all of my other meds (t3, fertile cm, vit b6) at 9 am and then just woke up again at 11 am. I am still feeling dazed and very relaxed. I would imagine this would be how it would feel to take nerve medication. Don't know, but I am very, very relaxed!!!
In cycle news, I am feeling just so lost. I am cd 15 (already) and no peak type mucus today. I only have one sighting of p type mucus and that was on wed, but it was a 10kl (2 in) and I was feeling like we are finally making some progress. I usually have a few days of 6k or 8k prior to an observation like this. I am really freaking out bc I think that we missed our peak day bc I was sick and not in any kind of mood for the bd and there was probably no way I was getting my dh in the mood when I was coughing through the night. Now, even with the mucinex and fertile cm I am OAD. I am so diasppointed but what can you do? I keep hoping this month that being sick i't s delaying my ovualtion. What a turn of events for me? Last month I ovulated on my own on day 25, so why should I be stressed about being on day 15 with no peak type cm and possibly this cold causing us not to conceive this month? BC this was my first month on clomid and I was just giddy with the possiblity that we might conceive this cycle. I had my shorted days of red stickers this cycle and went to green stickers for about 4 days, one white baby and then more green days. I took my clomid on cd 4-8 and some of the information said that you should ovulate 5-12 days after your last dose? Does anyone know if this is true? It would be a miracle if we were to conceive on the first month of using clomid, but I hear of people being successful alot of the time on the second month of using it. I am willing to wait to next month if that is what God is doing, but I just don't want another failed attempt at another medicine that seems to work miracles for others and not for me. Oh well, I need to get off my pity pot.
In other news, we went to a Prolife banquent to raise funds for our local pregnancy crisis center. This is the same agency my dear friends used to find their precious daughter. Dr. Anthony Levatino and his wife, Ciel, were the keynote speakers. His story is amazing, as he was a ob/gyn in NY state who would perform many abortions in his practice until the Lord changed his heart through faithful witnesses and a crisis in his life. The kicker is that while he was doing this abortions on a daily basis, he and his wife were seeking IF treatment. He said he finally realized that he is just throwing these babies in the garbage and he would do anything if one of these women would just give him and his wife her baby. But things did not work out this way and when his wife share her struggle with infertility to the 700 people gathered , many of my closest friends who never struggled with IF, I felt like she gave us a face. They ended up adopting a little girl and then his wife found out she was pregnant the very next month. The boy and girl were 10 mo. apart. No one could tell me that God was not in all of this. You can goo.gle his name and read his story. Alot of you may have already heard him and his wife speak or know their story. If not, take the time to goo.gle it. He went into painstaking detail of how he would perform abortions and he brought the reality of what happens in abortion to all of the people gathered that night, but I had already read his story on the internet, so I knew what to expect. DH on the other hand, did not know what to expect, but he told me he could tell that he did this in the beginning to make a point. DH said "This was amazing and I really learned something tonight. Every young person should have to hear their story!" I was really suprised that DH and I both felt the exact way about it. We often perceive things very differently. They told a story of a dear friend who struggled for infertility for many, many years and decided to stop trying to conceive and pursue adoption. Even then, there was a long list of families waiting to adopt. This woman and her husband were given the chance to adopt a little girl from across the country out of the blue. Complete miracle falling out of the sky kind of thing. This woman went on to have four healthy pregnancies. DH and I were talking about this on the way out and I had mixed feelings about this story and hers. Sometimes I feel that God makes couples wait so long so that their hearts will be open to adoption and they finally get the chance to adopt and the love they have for that child in unquestionable. Then they go on to have children from their own union and I have to believe that God made them wait so that they could adopt that one child. I think that is they way God brings that child to the right family bc sometimes parents who can conceive easily don't ever consider adoption and I believe that this is the way God means to build some families. But this does not happen in all families that adopt children. Not every family that adopts a child will go on to conceive. I know too many of them who do and those who do not.
I told DH that sometimes God moves in ways we don't understand and searching for that child to adopt is part of his plan to build a family through both adoption and natural conception. He sees it as we were not patient enough to wait on God to bring us our miracles. I tell him adoption is a miracle and when we ever adopt the love I know that the love he will feel for that child will suprise and astonish him and he will find out that his love for that adopted child will be no different from the love he would have if were blessed with a child from our own union. Only time will tell whose theory will be tested ;) Anyway, God has been so abundant in showing us His love and care, I know he will never let us pass up our miracles. That is my prayer!

Dearest Abba,

You know our hearts and you know our desires since you put them in our hearts. We trust you and we love you. We beg you to bless us with a child. Not because we cannot live without a child. Not because we will know that you love us by blessing us with a child. Only because we desire to raise up godly children who will imitate your ways and build up your kingdom. We trust that you will bring us the child that most needs to be loved and cared for by us. We believe that you can do far greater things that place a child into a womb that was called barren or to find the right home for a baby that it's birthmother is praying for and choosing to give to him or her. We pray for all women expecting. Those who are overjoyed with new life and those who are scared and torn. We pray for all couples who lean on you when not knowing if their love will ever spill over to create a new soul for your kingdom. Be with them in their fears and bring them a hope that only you can give. We also pray for all those who have unwillingly returned their child to you in the hopes of meeting them again in heaven. You give and you take away, but our hearts will always choose to bless your name. AMEN