Overwhelmed

Lately, my days are just spent fully in prayer.

Prayer that God wills for our baby to live, to thrive, to join us in this world.

I have a tendency to get very nervous over serious things and it is draining my joy and my energy.

I am barely able to maintain relationships and tend to the needs of our home because I just want to lay still and keep this baby safe.

I stayed so freaked about my P4 levels that it is completely making me a crazed woman about to drive my sweet husband NUTS!

Ever since last friday, when I learned my levels dropped and we went (currently still exeriencing) through so much trauma trying to get the medications that the doctor wished for me to get - I have been hyper aware of every single symptom my body experiences.

This is not natural and this worry is an unwelcome visitor.

I did not even call the doctor's office when I realized the second type of medicine was not being absorbed or so it seemed. I ended up trying a different method of preparing it before use and thought it was working, not really sure. I did my progesterone draw yesterday. I had knots in my stomach the whole way there because I just can't handle finding out more worrisome news. We have got to fix this issue and do it quick. I think that I just need to get the doctor's office to call it out from Kubat's and not the local compounding pharmacy and I am angry at myself for not doing this on Monday. I did get a shot last night and I am staying faithful to the oral meds, but who knows if those are working since the v.s. from the same pharmacy are not seeming to be absorbed like they should. The cost of progesterone monitoring and support is outrageous and it is not even about the monetary cost anymore, it is taking a toll of me emotionally.

I just wish I had no previous experience with low progestersone or pregnancy loss, but then again, this is who God has created me to be. Praise God, the baby is moving as I type this.

I could not sleep tonight, so I am up. I probably ate too much food that is not good for my belly, so I had some discomfort (ok, really disheartening discomfort) so I got up at 4 am, took two Gas.x chewables and it has calmed down alot. I was laying in bed - begging God that it was just gas. My bowels are just a stranger to me these days and it takes special attention to treat them right. I can't just eat convience foods when I feel lazy and don't want to cook a healthy meal. I had one piece of fried chicken last night and this is what I get. Definitely, not worth it.

As I laid in bed, praying over our growing baby - I dreamed about what it will be like when we are finally face to face and I am able to see them in all their glory :) I imagined them with their pink, rosy skin, sweet little arms and legs, precious toes and fingers and that precious little rear end. Isn't that so funny? I love those precious newborn photos of the baby on their belly!! It takes every ounce of faith and trust in God to wait for his appointed time for us to meet this sweet baby he is nurturing in my womb.

It still amazes me that I am pregnant. I think I knew that pregnancy would be hard, but in my mind I made it a path of rose petals. Not that pregnancy is extremely tough, it is the trusting that is hard. I am growing in faith to my God and learning new ways to teach our child how to grow in faith. Maybe that is what it is all about.

God does get all of the glory! I stand in utter amazement at the gift He has entrusted to us. I am just a vessel. I have no claims to deserve this pregnancy or this child, this child is God's child. I pray that he allows me to be the vessel that continues to nurture this precious life.

If you all have time, please pray for the spiritual welfare of my husband and I. The loss of employment (primarily the who, why, and how) is taking a toll on us. We are managing financially but spiritually it is hard to reconcile with our faith. As children of God, we are called to be treated justly and to justly treat others. It is really hard accepting the faults of the holiest of people when you still recognize them as holy, but their actions did not reflect holiness at all. I am aware that we all make mistakes and that life is not fair, I just have to get used to the fact that sometimes these people do not seem to reflect the justice I know that my God would wish to bestow. Because of the nature of my previous employment, it makes it hard to go to mass, I try to focus on Jesus only, but I do feel isolated. Rejected. Some people have suggested I go to the next diocese, but I am just not ready for that. I am not treated unkindly (except for the questions our priest tries to ask), I just feel betrayed, thrown out, discarded.

I know I am experiencing a transformation in my vocation and that is never comfortable. I will just cling to God and Jesus and beg our Blessed Mother to comfort me.