Good Times, sick, and cycle news

We had a fabulous weekend in Baton Rouge. We did not have to spend too much time in New Orleans which did not bother us too much. We left early Thursday evening and made our way to a hotel that was perfect for us! It was brand new, clean, and had the best linens. Can you tell that I am particular? We enjoyed Friday and took a long nap at the hotel after we returned from New Orleans and then we went to visit our friends and their three little ones. We were bombarded with love and pure excitement! The met us outside as soon as we pulled up and Mal had been waiting for her Aunt C and Uncle J all day! The time spent there was phenomenal and always so affirming in how much we want to have a houseful of kids in our lives. The next day we shopped and I finally found me some great shoes and tall jeans. I even found some great bermuda shorts which actually work great for my height. J had a fantastic time going to Cabela's. After that we headed back to the hotel for another luxurious nap :) The it was off to our friends again! But another one of our friends decided to bring her mom and 3 kids to BR for the night so it was like having a huge party. There were six kids under six all taking turns on Uncle J's lap. Our little godson is getting so big and we enjoyed not only spoiling him, but his two amazing sisters. My friend kept saying it was like Christmas to have all of her special people near her. It was just what my soul needed. Despite J and I spending so much time with friends, we still had some great alone time and it was really great to reconnect away from home and all the stress that comes along with being grown up and trying to conceive!!! What fun!
Unfortunately on Monday around 11 am, I started feeling like I was coming down with something. I had a sore throat, headache, and fever. I was also coughing. I was not sick around the kids, I must have picked up something bc 3 of them were dealing with getting over a cold. So I managed to make it through the day and then came home crabby and sick. I went to bed early and then woke up with high fever and had to take two tylenol and then put cold washclothes on my head and neck for the fever to break! I was miserable. I woke up feeling slightly better, but still had a sore throat and cough. I went into work and could barely speak loud enough for others to hear me and kept coughing. So I ended up staying late to finish the deposit so that I could take a sick day tomorrow. The bad thing is that it is my turn to host the pokino party for the month and I moved it up early one week bc of holy week and then I had to move it up one day earlier bc we were given two tickets to a pro-life banquet. I really think we were called to go to this event bc their were several benefactors who offered us tickets to their table. The tickets help raise funds but cost a whopping $50 a piece. I am not too sure about the keynote speaker, but I will go in with an open mind. So how terrible am I to use a sick day that I don't usually get to use to rest and get better and that way I will be able to fininsh out the week well and be healthy for my retreat next week and the upcoming Easter holidays. I really wanted to make it to mass on Sunday, but I could not get out of bed early enough. Maybe I was already getting sick. So now I am so upset that I miss Mass. I hate when I do this and it weighs on my concious so much.
On a totally different note, my two favorite morning radio hosts are no longer on klove for some reason. I hope they are ok.
In cycle news, I am on cd 11. I took clomid on days 4-8. I started taking the fertile cm again yesteray on cd 10. So far so good. I am unsure if being given clomid at this stage in the game is a good sign or a sign that I not getting any better. I don't know why I am questioning this, but I am. What I do know is that God is in control and he is taking care of me!
God blessings to you all! It sure seems that God is moving in some amazing ways in all of your lives!!! I am so excited for all the good things going on in your lives! Prayers to you all!

Life Update, Road trip, and Cycle News

Well, overall, life has been very busy, but manageable. We will be making a trip to New Orleans this week for a second closing on Road Home money being given to us because of Hurricane Rita. I tell you one storm that has caused so much havoc over 3 ½ years ago is still being brought to the surface for us. We really had to fight to get any of the Federal dollars allocated to LA families who lost their homes or had severely damaged homes from Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. We just had our first meeting to close just days before Hurricanes Gustav and Ike barreled LA and then Texas in 2008. Both storms came within days of each other, so once we returned home from evacuating for Gustav (Gov. Bobby Jindal made a mandatory evacuation effective in a lot of LA parishes making it the largest evacuation for LA) we were planning our next evacuation for Ike. Throw in a mother who just found out she had cancer, a major surgery in Omaha on the Monday following Ike’s landfall and having no one to take care of Daisy (our cat), we just packed up as many people as would fit in our Trailblazer, along with the cat, of course, and made our way to the closest available hotel. One in Little Rock, AR. My in-laws followed us and we got them a room too. So do you think I was stressed for my second surgery? In a real way, I don’t feel like I was bc I was so ready to get it done and to feel better once and for all.
Here I am today, on cd 5, and since my cd 1 was on Sat. I had to wait until Monday to speak with the nurse from PPVI. She called back on Monday and said she will talk with the doctor for his plans and get back with me on Tuesday. Tuesday was a crazy day for me at work and I have to work nearly 12 ½ hours, greet and help with an Lenten Evening of Reflection on GRIEF!! Right up my alley. We had about 80 people from all over the diocese that came in. It was really nice to hug strangers and show Christ’s love to them when they shared with me intimate stories about those loved ones they missed. Well, anyway, back to cycle news. I get a phone call in the middle of getting everything ready for my cycle review. Overall, the doctor is pleased with my progress. It turned out my peak day was day 25. Really late, but it has been around this time since I started the vit b6 and fertile cm. The nurse then told me that the doctor wants to continue me on all of the same meds, but that he does wish to add one more. He wants to start me on clomid 50 mg and I had to start taking it today. It was cd 4 and they usually want us to start it on cd3-7, but this time I need to do it cd 4-8. Ok, so at first I am petrified and then excited. Talk about a full range of emotions. I call my husband and he is fired up that it looks like we might actually have a shot. Then I read reviews of the meds and got both petrified and excited once again. Well, I took my first pill last night and did not sleep great. I woke up at 345 am restless and uncomfortable, hot then cold. I don’t really know what to expect, but I will say that I am hopeful. Here is the other kicker, though, I finally managed to plan a retreat for myself at a wonderful retreat center on mon-wed of holy week. Then I will be off for Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, Easter Sunday, and Easter Monday. I am just hoping that my peak day does not come so much earlier that I am not at home with my hubby on that day of opportunity. Oh, well, all of this is so humbling.
God shall me give me the grace to know that he will unite J and I on the right day and allow our love for one another and for Him to grow into a brand new soul. I shall not worry that I will miss an opportunity. God is calling me to his side for retreat and I will go willingly and with a full heart fully expecting the best he has in store for me. There is always time before and after my retreat to ask God to plant new life within my womb.

Hey, the best part about the last minute road trip is that we get to stay in Baton Rouge for a few nights and will get to see some of my best friends and their family. Our little godson is now 7 mo. old and we have not seen him since January. I can’t wait. They have two little girls who we love so much and love to spoil so it will be a fun time. I was talking to their mom today and just talking about us going got little mal so excited. She is so ready to tell me herself that she is now wearing big girl panties. I tell you, these little girls and G, our godson, love J so much they almost never leave his lap when we are around, so we are looking forward to visiting. They are such an amazing catholic family, they are a source of inspiration for me. I am glad they have adopted us as their Aunt C and Uncle J. What a blessing and what a blessing it will be to be around such beautiful souls this weekend! Can you tell how excited I am???

God’s greatest blessings to you all!

Scripture and Cycle News

Yesterday I was working on preparing a prayer service for something that will be on the eve of the Feast of the Annunciation and as I was typing the scriptures down for the hand out, these words jumped out at me: The Lord raises the needy from the dust, lifts the poor from the ash heap, Seats them with princes, the princes of the people. Gives the childless wife a home, the joyful mother of children." (Psalm 1137-9)

This scripture brought tears to my eyes. First of all, just that morning I had take begged God to bring me my period bc I just could not handle if my body reverted back to doing completely abnormal things. I felt like I just could not deal with that in the midst of another negative pregnancy test. I knew that I could handle the not being pregnant yet this cycle, but I really needed to have a new beginning with a new cycle. Well, God did answer my prayers this morning. I was so relieved. What a turnaround???? I cannot even imagine the difference or transformation of different reactions to cd1.
Part of this plea to God was because when I sent in my temps and pulses to Dr. H on Wed. and then I sent in my chart bc I still was having odd mucus patterns and it was completely different from any other cycle I have ever had. The nurse could not give me any encouragement and just told me to wait and see. I asked her if she could give me any ideas what is going on and she literally said "No, I cannot give you any encouragement right now bc we just need to wait and see what happens. Call us if you go past cd 35." Yesterday was cd 35. Can you see why I was pleading with God to let me start a new cycle.

Anyway, this scripture just sent me in an almost downward spiral. Then I immediately took a break and went and sat with Jesus in the adoration chapel for a few minutes. My heart eventually calmed down quickly. I only had a 15 min break, so I was thankful.

Praying for all of us on this journey of transformation from being childless wives into the joyful mothers of children!!!

Suffering

Today has been just little reminders that I am in the hand of God. First thing this morning when I walk into my office. I am always the first to arrive, there is a huge bouquet of roses in all colors on the table right across from my desk. Now, last Thurday, I specifically asked St. Therese to send me a rose as a message of love and there are at least 20 in every color right across from me. They are not mine to claim, but their presence is an answer to prayer.
I did not sleep well last night, I don't know what was going on in my belly, but it was cramping almost all night long and not really pms kind of cramps. I keep thinking it was just gas, plus I am having more acid reflux stuff going on and I don't know what it all means. None of this is a real problem, just different for me.
Anyway the reason I wanted to post right now is becasue I was given a beautiful poem today about suffering and it spoke so well to my heart that I really felt called to share it. A dear friend who sometimes volunteers at my job told me she was going to do a talk on the 'Transmission of Suffering' and I asked her when she can come talk to me about it. I just knew she had wisdom to share with me and instead she gave me a copy of this poem that she said summed up what the overall message of her talk would be. It is amazing, so be blessed.

Mother Wisdom Speaks

Some of you I will hollow out.
I will make You a Cave.
I will carve You so deep the stars will shine in Your darkness.
You will be a bowl
You will be a cup in the rock collecting rain.
I will hollow You, not to make You clean; You are clean already.
I will do this because the world needs the hollowness of You.
I will do this for the space that You will be.
I will do this because You must be large, a passage.
People will find their way through You;
A bowl - people will eat from You, and their hunger will not weaken them to death.
A bowl to catch Sacred rain.
My daughter, do not cry.
Do not be afraid.
Nothing you need will be lost.
I am shaping You, making You ready.
Light will flow in your hollowing.
You will be filled with light, and Your bones will shine.
The round open center of You will be radiant.
I will call You Brilliant One.
I will call You daughter who is wide.
I will call You transformed - Mine.
by Christine Webber
*******

A Prayer for Insight into Suffering

Lord, my God, Incomprehensible One,
Your sacrament of suffering,
the mystery of pain,
is an integral part of my life.
I have at times been offered the cup of bitterness
so that I may share in the sorrow
that was freely embraced by Your Son, Jesus,
and so that I may help to heal
the sickness that plagues our planet.

I thank You for opportunities to explore,
with those around me and with all the world,
the profound puzzle of pain.
May I seek only the fullness of life
and not reject the element of pain
inherent in all growth
and essential in each search for wholeness.

As a disciple of Christ,
I will follow in the footsteps
of a suffering savior,
asking that this pain
have special meaning for me
and for all the earth.

Blessed are You, Lord my God,
who shares pain and suffering
as part of the mystery of life.
Amen.

Charting Slacker!!!

I hate to admit this but I have not charted since day cd 24 and it is now cd 29. Now, I lost my stickers. You might wonder how in the heck I did this. It is simple. I put my charts in my bag that I bring to work so that I could use them to look at when I talked to the nurse. The reason I had to call the nurse on cd 25 was because I was still having signs of fertile cm and I had quit taking the fertile cm meds on the day 22 bc I thought the meds were making my body produce too much cm and I wondered if I missed my peak day. So then when the nurse and I finally connected over the phone, the imput she gave me was not so helpful. I explained that I had been having peak type mucus from cd 12 to the day I was talking with her. I explained about stopping the fertile cm meds to see if it would change and all she was "We will see what happens. Since you were unable to pinpoint the right peak day, you won't be able to use the hcg injections or do a blood draw." That was it. "Just wait and see." I was a little disappointed in the response I got. I thought they could tell me why I had such a long mucus patch. After that, I just kept putting of charting and just brought the charts home and left them out and I can't find the stickers to catch up. By the way, there were times in the cycle I would think that I would have a peak day and be able to use a green baby sticker for the next day to bring me another white baby stamp. Anyway, so that is where I am cycle wise. I kept getting moments of feeling crampy and then it passes. No signs of AF yet, but it is only day 29 and I don't know what my body will do without the hcg. I am not sad, I just wish that a new cycle would start so that I can have a new beginning and have a game plan for what to do. I know that I read that others take the vitamin b6 extended release on only certain days of their cycle and I was instructed to take it daily. I don't mean to sound unfaithful, but I don't really feel any signs of being pregnant. Although it would be pretty amazing. I will be okay if it is not time yet. I told my dh a few days ago that I will try very hard not to break down this month. I will not. Maybe if I keep giving myself these pep talks it will WORK!!!
Anyway, overall things are going well in my life right now. We did our marathon shopping at sam.s and walmar.t supercenter. The walton family got a pretty big portion of our paycheck this week. I have not been feeling like stopping at the grocery store during the week, so we got really low on a lots of things.
Last week I got a few medals from a local catholic bookstore the other day (they were only fifty cents each) and I had them blessed and I plan to wear a different one each day. I don't wear a lot of jewelry anymore so I attached them to some ribbon and plan to just wear them in a modest way where I am the only one who knows I am wearing them. I have one of St. Anne, Our Lady of Guadalupe, The Infant Jesus, and the Holy Family. I gave my husband the St. Joseph medal. He was excited about it. He has been so very kind to me lately and made me a delicious dinner. I do have one of the sweetest husband. Everyone keeps talking about reaping the benefits of being a surrendered wife. I must tell you that my hubby was a little shocked when I made a point to stop pointing him in the righ direction (e.g. being bossy) and so far it seems to be bringing me some fruitful rewards :) I have tried the surrendered part with the finances and it is a work in progress. We will see. There are some other ideas I have been practicing that are working! I am sew glad sew shared it with me.
I am looking foward to mass tomorrow. I have been so renewed with the holy Eucharist lately and so many spiritual truths that I am just amazed at God's great love for me in the midst of carrying this cross.
On a funnier note, at wal.mart today I saw the cutest newborn dresses. The infant dept was right by the food section and I was so drawn to them. I told my husband "I want a baby. " No big revelation. I can't wait to be able to clothe my baby and have that beautiful baby scent on me all the time. I guess what got my mind going that way was because I spent some time with a dear friend of mine on Friday and her little girl who is 8 1/2 months old. Little Gianna was adopted at 2 days old. She was born nine months to the day of them turning in their profile/scrapbook to their agency. It was on St. Therese's feast day that my friend proclaimed that she was "officially expecting" and nine months later on July 1, little Gianna was born. After I let their house, I smelled like Gianna all afternoon. It was WONDERFUL!!! I think if must be the best smell in the world. My only other favorite smell is chrism oil that is used for the sacraments of initiation!!! That is a smell that lingers and I LOVE it.
Hope you all have a restful sunday! May God's greatest blessings find their way to you all!

bad day w/ update

today has been a bad day already, I really should have trusted my gut and called in sick. I hurt my right arm yesterday and it really hurts. I think it is only a muscle strained and it is a little better than yesterday, but I could barely dress myself for work today and then I really was very limited with what I did with my hair. I can't comfortably lift my arm us above my head.
Then I took a different route to work today because yesterdays route had major delays and road closures. This new route takes longer, but I had enough time to do that and then grab a quick bite to eat bc I have not been grocery shopping since last week. No breakfast bc i got stuck behind not one, but two freakin tractors being escorted by state employees from dotd. When I caught the longest red light after finally moving pass these slow riders, I see that someone has finally used the safe haven law in my parish (county). A girl surrendered her six day old healthy baby boy to a local hospital and while I should be happy that this child is now safe. . . I lost all of my apetite and am angry that I can't be the one to love this little soul into new comfort. The child is now in care of the state and I remember about 20 months ago when J and I went in for our orientation, I asked if they ever have anyone use the safe haven law to surrender infants and they told me no. Well, today is the first day and I am just so sad and I do not want this child to grow up going from foster home to foster home. Pray with me that this little boy is placed with the family God intended him for. I know that there are some really great families waiting for a new soul to love and share their world with, so may God be so very gracious in providing for every need of this child and his new family. God bless this young girl who in her youthful widsom chose to not be selfish, but loving to this child.
Ok, things did improve for me soon after I posted this. I was able to go to a funeral mass for a dear priest friend whose sister died and I was the one chosen to represent our office for the day. I would have been honored to go, but unsure about who would fill in for me while I was gone. Good thing I dressed appropriately well today and it turned out my hair was not so pathetic. Well, although I went there to be a woman just of prayer for my friend who was giving the homily, I was so blessed by his words and just being able to recieve Jesus in the Eucharist today was a tremendous blessing!
Yesterday, as I was typing the readings for the mass today for him in large print, I was so blown away by the scripture that says "Death has lost it sting". Because God gave us Jesus and he conquered death, we have nothing to fear. Nothing!!!

You never know

I tell you what, if you want to run in to a room full of very pregnant women or women who just gave birth to perfect babies . . . just go with me to my annual at Dr. D's. It was so wildly outrageous, I just had to pray for peace. There were two women there with brand new newborns and at least 5 pregnant women surrounding me in the lobby. Not one other woman without a baby in her womb or in her arms. I share this with my husband and he tells me "well, he is a baby doctor." Honesty is not the best policy. Not around here today. I did have a fantastic time visiting with my friend and we had half poboys for lunch. It was a treat, but then my stomach revolted. I am got depressed after leaving my doctors appt so I went to see if there were any good movies, nope. So then I went clothes shopping and the clothes were just not my style, so then when all else fails get a chocolate ice cream cone with walnuts. That was quiet and reflective for me and I watched the birds as I relaxed. Then I went to rent some movies and made my way home. Oh well, God will give me the strength to go on.
I have had 10kl all day today with out the assistance of fertile cm.
Today is the first day, I just thought that I will be lucky to blessed with one child and to choose a home based on how many kids I may or may not have one day is not the right reaon to choose it or take it off the list. God I am listening, please reveal yourself to me.

Doctor's appt today

Today is the day I see my local ob-gyn for my annual and I am not looking foward to it. I never like it and I have no idea if he can give me any insight as to what my chart is revealing. I have been trying to get him to consider going for training under dr. hi.lgers. Who knows, he is already doing a great work in volunteering for the local pregnancy crisis center and he is about the nicest man I have ever known. He is kind and gentle. I am lucky that he will one day be the man to deliver my babies into the world. I am feeling like being very hopeful right now. I don't think that I should be otherwise today. I believe that there are good changes happening in my body and I want to be hopeful today that one day I will be big, pregnant, and glowing with new life growing inside of me.
I did have a moment of near breakdown this morning when I discovered more fertile mucus. Seriously, I am on cd 25 and I was able to use a green baby stamp today. All of you who are instructors out there, if you have any insight, please share. I did put a call into the office in Omaha today. If I am going to pay $38 every month for cycle reviews, I am going to get some answers to my questions. Is it possible that my body is doing what it did before surgery? Also, I stopped taking the fertile cm vitamins/meds on saturday and I am still discovering fertile cm. I really think I already ovualated on saturday or maybe even friday bc that is when I started to have the sore bbs and could feel changes in my lower abdomen/womb area. The hcg meds are time sensitive and I don't want to mess those up. Hopefully, the nurse from Omaha can calm my worries today and my appointment with my local doctor is uneventful. I will have to update him on my change in family history which is a worry at the back of my mind.
We will be going to see that little house on saturday. It is a great little house with lots of land and we really should not be getting our hopes up about it. We will see and if we choose not to do it, we will know some more options about building a house on the land we already own.
I plan to ask my local doctor about the mthfr blood test. I don't know if this is something Dr. Hilgers ever ordered for me before any hospitalizations in Omaha. We will see. I don't know if it is covered on my insurance plan or not. We will see.
What a mosh-posh post. So many ideas going on in my head. On a good note, I do get to visit with one of my dear friends before making my way to the doctor's office today.

tired

This weekend has not been restful so far, but I plan to make up for it this afternoon. We were busy all evening friday and then on saturday we were very busy helping my sil and her fiancee with baby in tow to move out of her parent's house and into their own rental. I have to tell you the day was penance for me. My husband volunteered us to help a bit to help get them out of his parent's house bc they have been stressing his parents out a great deal. It was a little overwhelming trying to help her clean bc she has never cleaned anything for herself, except her room. They got a massive tax return and have no income other than that at this time and they got a rental for a place that is more expensive than our house note. They even signed a lease for 6 mo. It is either sink or swim. I really hope they can swim. I think I put so much effort into it bc of the baby. Poor child has to live with these two adults. I can't even imagine.
Speaking of moving, I was bored the other night and was looking at local real estate and found this small apartment/barn style home with 2 bedrooms on 5 acres of land for a really great price. We went to look at it from the outside and are considering buying it for investment property. It is at a higher elevation than were we currently live and has more land. The problem is will will need to live in our currnet home for another 2 years before we can move, but it would make an excellant hurricane safe home. It can withstand winds of 180 mph. I have a fear of losing our home again to another hurricane and am discerning if fear is leading me to this opportunity or God in his wisdom allowing us to find something to prepare for the future with. The living areas are large but the 2nd bedroom is small and while we are not with child yet, what if we outgrow that house in the future and have to build on the land a larger home. Would this be cost effective, epecially in this market? I don't know, I am just rambling, but I did hear my husband say to his family "this is the kind of place I have always dreamed of having one day. . .I can do so much with this!" This is probably one of the wildest ideas I have ever had and he got on this bandwagon. So strange, so please pray for us as we discern and arrange a meeting with the real estate agent to see the home on the inside. On a funnier note, we have really good credit and the other day the president of a bank came by just to talk with J at his job while he was visitng his boss and asked "Do you need a loan for anything?" J just laughed it off, but was this a laying of the foundation?
In cycle news, I am so frustrated. I think I have a peak day and then mark it as such, then have a green baby day, and then bam -------- more fertile cm. Last night this happened. It is really hard to understand, so I stopped taking the fertile cm yesterday, even though I am supposed to take it until p+2 and I have no real idea when to start the hcg. I have had peak type mucus for the last 11 days (in that time there were two green baby stamps). I have no idea what to think and I am making a call to the dr on monday. Another weird thought that may be tmi. After BD yesterday, I beared down and wiped and found a itty bitty amount of pink/red. I don't know what to think of this or chart it bc it just happened once that day. I did have feelings of slight crampiness in the morning for a few hours too, along with breast tenderness since friday.
I don't know anymore. The charting is very empowering when you know what it means.
Hope you all are having a restful sunday!

Triplets, Blessings and weird conversations

Today, I feel like a brand new person emotionally. I woke up feeling great and even had a fun day at work. I know, am I the same person?
I was at my desk today and this sweet priest who had been on retreat for the past week came by to give me a hug and kiss before he left and said he would be praying for me and that I would not be driven crazy by all of the nutty people I have to work with everyday. At first, I thought that the priest I work with told him that J and I were praying for babies. It turned out that the priest I worked with had not told him and the other gentleman on retreat, but before they left, he sure did. It sure is funny that he pulled this on me today and not two days ago when I would have just busted out crying. Well, the priest that had just kissed me turned right back around came back to me in all humility and gave me the most beautiful, silent blessing and touched me on my forehead as he did so. I was so humbled. Talk about asking special favors from God. Then, the priest I work with told me maybe you need to visit and rub hands with this man over here. I knew this man's name, but I knew nothing of his background. Both priests proceed to tell me that he is the father of triplets and that when his wife was pregnant the doctors only told them that there were twins. That is what they prepared for, twins ran in both sides of the family. Well, when his wife went to deliver and both babies were born, they were suprised that another little one was going to be born that day too. Two girls and a boy (now 7). The father of the triplets said they were later blessed with another boy. He is a principal at a catholic high school and told me to go drink some of the water from the school bc a coach at the school had twins shortly after the triplets were born. I told him "i would be knocking down doors at that high school to get to the water fountain if that was all it took for me to get pregnant!!!!" So funny. There was a few other discussions about some other intimate things and I told my husband of the converstation tonight and told him that I must be the only woman I know who can laugh and joke about sex with two priests and a married man at a retreat center. None of it was crude, just life-affirming. I must say, I did not even blush. I am still laughing about how they mentioned the suprise of the last child. I just keep wondering if one day, I will be suprised in such a way. By the way, the father of four told me, I will pray for you to get pregnant, but I will never pray that God will give you three babies at once, it is just too hard.
Now, here is the funny thing - I have had the pleasure of working with two sets of triplets and one set of quads and in all cases - the parents were absolutely amazing!!!! I have never seen parents so in tune with their children and routine like they were. All were conceived through IVF and all of the parents were blown away with 3 babies. Keep in mind, the man who talked with me today and his wife used no forms of repoductive assistance for their triplets. One couple told me "Man, the odds were unimaginable that we would have 3, we really should have bought a lottery ticket that day!" May God bless all parents as well as all of us desiring to be trusted with that vocation!

The cloak of sadness has lifted

I just wanted to write a short post (let's see if I can keep it short) about being ministered to by the angels while in the desert. I truly feel humbled that I was so blessed to receive the prayers of so many beautiful souls, especially for those that offered up their suffering in my behalf. I think that yesterday was my peak day and for some reason that I cannot understand, I get extremely emotional. Anything can make me cry, roll my eyes, or make me want to only get MY way. I even saw my spiritual director for a few minutes yesterday as she stopped my office to see her spiritual director and she simple asked me if I would be around during Holy week for our next appointment. I told her that I was planning to go on retreat that week (I just found out about it having openings) so she asked me how I was and I told her I was miserable. Then the dam broke and the tears shed. I did not want to cry as I was sitting at my desk and I had already had a few crying spells in the bathroom earlier. I told her miserable is a very strong word, but that I just could not understand why my husband could not compromise. By the way the whole reason I was upset with my husband was bc of a comment he made about a tv character who changed her mind about adoption. I was blown away at the words that came next bc he really does not believe that the child can have peace and know their true value when they discover that their parents did not value them enough to keep them and raise them themselves. We both we unplanned pregnancies (his mom was 15 when she got pregnant with him and she kept him and married his father and they are still together - not typical, they were blessed ; and my mom was raped at 15 and got pregnant at this first sexual encounter and then was encouraged to abort me by my own grandmother because she feared what would happen to my mom if she kept me, so my mom ran off and married another guy who mistreated her, but she sacrificed and kept me). To my husband this is the greatest love a parent can show their child is by never abandoning them, he does not see that giving the child the chance at a better life is showing great love and sacrifice too. I had a very difficult childhood and by the grace of God I was never abused or mistreated. My entire mom's family helped in raising me and then I was blessed with a faithful stepfather at 9 years old and that is where my faith journey began. Anyway, can you see how I got all bent out of shape for something that really means alot to me, but to my husband he did not know what set me off.
After I shed a few tears with my spiritual director, she told me that I need to see her sooner and that she wants me to know that some people say hard times make you stronger, but I say hard times make you better. You will come out of this better. Well, after she left, I truly felt like the cloak of darkness was lifted from my shoulders. Someone once told me that tears clean our eyes so that our vision will be clearer. I think this is true. FJIEJ suggested that J and I find some bonding things to do together and we did about three of them last night. We cooked dinner together, prayed for one another, and honeymooned :)
God was very gracious to me yesterday and today. Today, at prayer we talked about Jonah and the whale and I truly believe that I am being delivered from the belly of the whale. Yesterday, I was in the belly of the whale - in utter darkness. Just talking about it today almost made me cry. Do any of you experience lots of weepiness around your peak days? Since my surgeries and getting my hormones levels out a bit, I feel like I am getting to know a new me. It is very hard. Alot of the time, I feel emotionally unstable. But today I am better. Thank Jesus! Thank you so much for your prayers.
Here is another thought that I am sharing with God and discerning what it all means. So much for keeping this post short. I remember at my lingerie shower I had all of my closest friends, my aunts, and my grandma there. It was a suprise and was very special. I remember my grandma asked me how many children I wanted to have (keep in mind she was the mother of seven) and I quickly told her "I want a big family, as many as God wants to give me." The 'as many as God wants to give me" part is really making me wonder if I can be at peace if God is only wanting to give us the one he already gave us and the one he called home to himself? Or is all of the work that we have done really what God has called us to so that he can bless us generously in his own timing. I keep thinking that w/o doing all of the surgeries and the meds, etc . . . that I would not have really been open to life. Doing the surgeries and all of the daily meds are my calling to be open to life in my marriage. Does any of this make any sense to those of you out there who are traveling the same road I am on?
One final note, I promise - if God is working on my husband's heart to prepare it for adoption and his wonderings and comments that might seem anti-adoption to me, might in fact be him working it out in his head and heart. I will continue to be patient and love my husband. May God bless all of us and our marriages. May we forever find consolation in knowing that we are living out God's will for our lives.

Prayers Needed

I don't know why but I am really struggling with faith today. Faith that God is leading me and I am following him. I am battling a war of spirits right now and having a difficult time keeping my mouth shut and kind at work today. Not good for working for the Lord and the people of God. Please pray. I am not in a good place and I don't even know what to think of my cycle anymore or any remote chance I will ever be blessed with children. I just keep discovering that DH and I share different dreams and it is stressing me out. I don't even have the will to argue anymore. I have been devoting so much more time to prayer and I can see why. I need all of the armor of God for this battle surrounding me. God will deliver me from this darkness. I keep thinking that I am on the verge of being surrounded by miracles, but I have to surrender this time to make it there. There is nothing essentially wrong with my husband, we just have differend opinions on adoption and this is so hard for me to accept. I may be making this so big and to God it is all part of his plan and that he wants us to have children through my own life-giving womb. I don't know, but it is not making it any easier to understand. I just feel that ever since I have completely started to make a determined attempt to step up my prayer life and devotion to a sacramental marriage and my life-giving vocation, I have been bombarded! Literally! I need my sword and shield. Just saying it all relieving in a way. I try so hard to have a good attitude and I am so sensitive that just the demenor of a person near me can change my perception. I know this is not of God and I have to figure out a way to handle it.

Wanting to o like a rabbit! HA

As I am trying to interpret my crazy chart yesterday, I read the funniest thing in the Creighton book as I was trying to figure if the day before was my P day! I still feel like sugh a freak for still questioning myself everyday about how to chart what my body is doing. I read all about the happenings at ovulation and read that people need to dispel the myth that a woman ovulates by being stimulated sexually. Really, did anyone ever buy into this myth? But apparently rabbits ovulate this way and ever since reading this, I was just thinking "Why can't I o like a rabbit?" HAHAHAHAA! Seriously, I think I have fallen off of the deep end!

I am on cd 16 and I thought P day was on friday, but today I discovered some more p type mucus before church! Boy, oh boy! I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I had a really tough end of the week emotionally. Like pulling away from my sweet husband for no real reason. Well, let's just say, he romanced me this weekend. I am so grateful!

I have been reading some really inspirational stuff and I am just amazed how much I am growing spiritually. After giving up my will in surrender to God on Ash Wednesday, I have been searching for what will bring meaning to my life - what am I called to nurture at this very moment?

In adoration on Friday night, I really just poured out my heart to God. I told him, "I cannot apologize anymore for the desires he has placed into my heart! God you made me a woman. A woman who desires to nuture life. I cannot expect my husband to understand everything thought that I express to him, I am different from him and, God, you made me to be this way!!! I am a woman, God. Nothing I am asking you for is outlandish and I am not underserving! I understand you are with me as I carry this cross, but I cannot change the essence of who you created me to be and I know you, God, would not want to me to alter the giftedness you have created in me." Being able to tell him this was so freeing! In the adoration chapel that we go to, there is a long wall of painted white bricks! I kept thinking, what would be easier -- knocking and beating down this brick wall or finding a door and going through to the other side. I knew that I am ready to go through the door. I just don't understand why I am so impatient in waiting for the 18 months we were encouraged to wait for a favorable result/outcome of all of this trying. I keep thinking is that what it means to be bipolar????????? Every cycle that goes by makes the longing even more real. We have waited a really long time, but I will continue to believe that nothing will get in the way of God's miracles coming into our lives!