Wiped Out!

I have not been blogging much lately bc I am just in such a weird place these days. I have made it past the sad feelings for not being able to conceive last cycle. In all honesty, I think I had a hormonal shift breakdown. I think that that cycle could have been the first time I really ovulated and had somewhat normal hormones that when they dropped off with the new cycle I dove off the deep end with them. I have not been easy to live with for the past few days, even though I am not feeling terrible sadness with this new cycle. I have just been picking silly fights with my husband and making him feel like he is not doing enough for me or for this marriage. I think it might be my way of dealing with some lack of control issues and I am never able to stop myself before I get started and then once it is over, I am terribly regrettful and see how silly it all was. There are two issues we are just not agreeing on, but the bottom line is we love each other and we are totally committed to each other, so why not rejoice in the good things in life.
Well, in all honesty, I am trying to do this but some issues were stirred up in spiritual direction yesterday and I was brutally honest about how much I want these two things in my life and share them with the love of my life. One being that we can continue to grow and agree in prayer and the other is never make room for adoption if we are unable to conceive naturally.
Earlier this month, I really told my husband that I want to raise babies - I want to mother, I want to nurture and I want to parent with him. Regardless of the fact that the child shares our genes or not. I know I can love a child that needs me to be its mother and I just wish my husband would be willing to take the risk of loving a child through adoption not knowing all the answers. I realize that just because we pursue adoption, there is no guarantee that a child will be placed with us. I just want to know that we have tried all avenues. On the other hand, he feels that we are going to conceive and that we have the best possible doctor caring for us to ensure that this will happen. I am really struggling with my not surrendering to this possibility and just riding the waves of hope for the next 12 - 15 months. I don't think our doctor would have told us we have a 90% chance to conceive in 12-18 months from my last surgery date. I think he is smart enough to know when the odds are really in our favor. So that is really what it all boils down to. I am not being patient enough to let my body heal and surrender to my husband's desires and plans for my family. Last night, I was so miserable with myself becasue my lack of faith was so evident as I spewed calloused words to my hopeful husband. I think I just keep trying to find little things wrong with him instead of dealing with my own imperfections and strained faith right now. I have opened myself up to be so vulnerable with others knowing our story and receiving their prayers, that I am starting to get embarrassed around these people to becasue my body is just not healing the way all of our prayers are asking. Wait. I am doing it again. Let me refocus. Focus on the positive things.
I did have my cycle review done yesterday with the nurse from PPVI. The things I was worried the most about they clearly said was all normal and typical. My body is responding to the hcg injections as hoped. My body is responding to the Fertile Cm just as he hoped! My mucus pattern looked just great to them and there was no real evidence for Brown bleeding. I was also having some really late Peak type mucus for the last several cycles at the very end of the cycle (like 1-3 days before a new cycle would start). He told me that this is completely normal and is endometerial fluid preparing my lining to be shed. That was great comfort bc I thought it might have been a sign of low progesterone or that all of the good from the surgeries were disappearing. .
Over the last year, I have been given the opportunity to learn about our Lady of Guadalupe and I am just amazed that I was led to her. She is the patron of the Amerias and the Unborn. I am surrounded by love from her every day. St. Therese is also so very kind in showing me that my prayers are being heard and I had a very clear sign of that on Monday. God truly is very good to me. My husband is very good to me. I am very blessed. I am continuing to surrender to his will every day and each day seems harder than the last.
I am climbing onto my Father's lap and letting him know my desires and he will wipe away my tears and clothe me with Grace.
One last note, thank you all for your prayers and openness in sharing your struggles. You all are teaching me so much! Today's meditaition talked about how the sick man's friends brought him to Jesus for healing and I will do the same for you all and I thank you all for doing this for me.