I have to say that I do not want to post about my day today because it just stinks. AF arrived at 5:40 am today. I was hurting so bad, I could not go to sleep so I took a Pontsel and about an hour after laying on my side, I was able to fall asleep. At first, I could not believe it. I have never been so hopeful as for the 48 hours leading up to this mornings untimely arrival. If my peak day was correct, I had a 14 day lp which is usually just 11 days. I had no signs and symptoms to indicate it was arriving so I was just shocked. I was not even sad at the moment. I guess the pain trumped the emotions at that time. I crawled back in bed and gave my hubby his valentine card and gift (yes, I woke him up early). I had been having his card for over three weeks because I had found the perfect one really early. I let him enjoy the card and the small gift I chose for him and then told him about it being the 1st day of a new cycle. I asked him if he was sad and he said no, so that made me feel better. I did not disappoint him. He just told me that he really thinks that my levels getting better was the good news this cycle. I just let him hold me and it seemed to make me feel comforted. Well with the pontsel I was able to rest for another 2 hours and then we got up. He was just his old self. But I felt sadder than I did before I rested again.
I did not want to get out of bed. I just wanted to stay there and let the world pass me by. I did not want to go out in public and I did not want to face the world at all. Besides being sad, I am angry. I am angry that I put my self out there again (emotionally letting myself hope and believe in miracles) and got struck down AGAIN. I have tears streaming down my face right now. I heard this song in the car today that was talking about surrendering to God's will and it just made me want to scream. So I screamed at the top of my lungs (at this point I am alone in my car on valentine's day). Then I screamed again. It felt like a release, but now my throat hurts. I felt very foolish. I just showed the depth of my pain. Every month the longing seems to increase as well as the disappointmnet. I foolishly got excited over the possibility of actually being with child, that I became more vulnerable than I can ever remember being. Then I thought to myself "What use is it to surrender to God's will when you still end up being empty handed?" I am not proud of this thought, but it deserves to be given some time in prayer. I feel like I am putting my trust in the wrong things. Or that I am asking him for the wrong things and that I must be the most dense person in the world to not get what he is asking of me yet. After 8 years. Can I be happy not raising children?
Here is how my Valentine's day turned out: 1st - wake up in pain, notice big fat sign that reminds me that I am definitely not pregnant, 2nd - my husband brings me out to eat at a little mexican restaurant, 3rd - go to get my meds from a pharmacy, 4th - on the way home, my husband gets a call from his dad to go fishing, so he wants me to drop him off and go pick him up when he is done. So I guess his day is flippin done with me. Oh, now let's not forget the wonderful topic of conversation my mil decides to spew all over me when I walk in the freakin door to ask me how my mom is doing. I play the situation down because my day is already terrible so I don't want to focus on the poor health of my mom and my MIL continues to keep asking me very sensitive questions. I just tell my husband, well, I do need to hurry home to put our groceries up. Make my escape with no gentleness at all and I hate myself for that.
I just feel like how can the world go on? Can't they see my suffering in my eyes? Can't someone just offer consolation, instead of pain once in awhile.
Another bad thing about being so hopeful is that I let you all think that I could possibly be pregnant and enjoyed all of your words of encouragement only to have to tell you that "No, the miracle is not happening at our home this month."
I have never been angry with God about my infertility. I have felt ashamed about it over the years, but I never blamed him for allowing me to be this way. I just aked him to reveal to me what his desires are so they can be my desire. He then planted adoption in my heart, only to not plant it in my husband's heart yet. Then we were led to Napro Technology which is probably is bringing much healing. It has been a rocky road. Some wonderful times, some like today.
Wishing all of my blog friends peace and assurance in know that God is truly with them in this valley of tears.
Oh no! Sounds like a yucky day. I hope tomorrow will be better and you will find some healing at mass. CD 1 is always the hardest for me. I have been there, screaming and crying in my car. It is ok to let your feelings out. May the Lord hold you in his hand tonight.
ReplyDeleteThe Kiss of Christ
ReplyDeleteThere he hangs, ashened figure pinioned against the wood.
God grant that I might love Him even as I should
I draw a little closer to feel His love divine, and hear Him gently whisper,
"Ah, precious child of mine..."
If now I should embrace you, my hands would stain you red,
And if I leaned to whisper, my thorns would pierce your head.
Twas there I learned in sorrow that love demands a price.
Twas then I learned that suffering is but the Kiss of Christ.
Please don't stop sharing these moments with us, the before & after's. That is what we are here for! You are with us every step of the way and we are with you!
Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope....
Oh hon, I am so sorry. We are walking such a simular pathway right now - and both CD1 today. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling better today. I find that there are times I just have to let myself feel sad and feel the disappointment that comes with IF. We all know how it feels to have AF come when there was so much hope for another outcome. What gives? I know for me, the last few months the dr has gotten my hopes up and then I was given a big fat NO, not yet. I don't know. I think lately I've been just pressing on and working on accepting this cross and not letting it get me down as much. It's hard...I don't think it's meant to be easy. I sometimes remind myself that it could be worse. What if we had a baby that was very sick? I just read in the Obit's of a family that lost a three month old baby. There's a reason my hubby and I don't have a child yet (or ever). If it happens for us...I'm sure we won't look back but will embrace what God has given to us with joy and prayer. Until that time. I need to embrace with prayer what God has given to us now and have joy. I hope this helps. There's next month...and it seems like you are on the right track. Things seem to be looking up for you. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it didn't turn out. I know exactly how you feel, I've been there many times!!
ReplyDeleteGod bring peace to your heart and soul!!
You will get your heart desires I'm sure God see's your suffering and He is good and we will see His glory through you!