Following Jesus

Today was pretty good, although I had some mild VLB. Didn't really feel like myself today, but there were no major crisis emotions, so that is good.
At the end of the day I finally got around to reading the meditation for the day and I wanted to share it with you all.

"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his (HER) cross, and follow me." Mark 8:34

Mary Morrocco relfects the following in Living Faith:
"These are hard words. Could Jesus be telling us he wants us to suffer? That he wants our selves to be lost? Sometimes we get the idea that the more miserable we are, the better God likes it. Indeed, in my own life it's tempting to congradulate myself for doing the hard things, as though I could earn God's love and mercy, those pure gifts.
The key is in the final words, "and follow me". It's because he leads, that we are able to live differently. Because love calls us foward, our burdens are transformed and become places of freedom."

I used to glory in suffering, I learned this early in college by reading "The Story of the Soul" the autobiography of St. Therese of Lisseux. I would GLORY in suffering. I can remember certain instances in my life when I chose the road of suffering to grow in faith and love for God. As I am writing this it occured to me it the fact that I chose to suffer, that made it bearable. Knowing that there is an alternative to suffering, that I consiously chose the path. Now I understand why I am not glorying (is that a word?) at this moment as I continue to suffer not being fertile! I did not choose it. I did not say that this is the cross I want to bear. I chose to bear the cross of cutting my salary in half and taking a ministry job to work in a less stressful environment. I chose voluntarily teach 11th graders for 5 years to prepare them for the sacrament of confirmation. I volunteered to share my story of conception to save unborn babies lives. I choose to stand up for life in the midst of a culture of death.

I did not choose to have endo, PCOS, tyroid problems, infertility, or very early miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage that forever changed the person that I am and my newly wedded husband did not know how to find the spirited woman I was before our miscarriage.
This cross has changed me. I am in a different place than I was in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, & 2008. But am I better off spiritually. I feel like I am figting spiritual warfare every minute of every day. I deeply desire to carry my cross passionately, without reservation. I am not sure I can say that I have been for the last 2-3 months. I will do more to try. I want to live in the freedom of loving Jesus where I no longer see my will, but his. Where I no longer see the cross as mine, but ours.
On a side note, I don't know how I would be able to do without the strength of my husband. He believes that dreams come true, that prayers are answered, and that miracles still happen to even people like us. For so many yearsl, I was the one who buoyed us with hope and now it is he that gets us treading on the water's surface when I fill like surrendering to the waves. God was so wise when he declared that it is not wise for man to be alone. I am glad that God gave J to me as a helpmate and vice versa. He is strong when I am weak these days and I am thankful for that.
I am now officially off for a four day weekend! Down here is Louisiana, we take Mardi Gras very seriously. I just enjoy being off before the beginning of Lent. Gives me some extra time to prepare my soul for the fasting.
Prayers continue for you all! Thanks for all your encouraging words about Daisy, she is now back to her ol' talkative, rolly polly self!