Amazing Ash Wednesday

Today was probably the busiest day of my life at work. Needless to say, I survived and then went to mass at the same church I went to on sunday. This young priest's homilies are amazing. He told us today we focus on sin and death. He then asked us "Why do catholics focus so much on death?" I had no idea where he was going with this idea. So he clearly told us that death is the only way to heaven. It is the only way. This is what we are working toward. This is what our life is all about. He told us that everytime we die to self, we are understanding what real death will be like. If we build our lives on dying to self in sacrifice for others through prayer and alms-giving, we are learning understand death and that it is just a step that brings us closer to our Heavenly father. Learning to die to self takes the sting and fear out of dying in this life. It was just the balm I needed for my sorrowful soul.
Okay, here is the revelation moment. I arrived at mass about 40 min. early to just spend some quality time in prayer. I prayed for every family member I have, all of my friends (including all of you), and about surrendering my will to God and not wanting to force my will and have to face the consequences. I just asked God to be all that I will ever want. I truly meant it. I remember a time when I was crushed for not being chosen for a particular job in college. It was a ministry job and I would have had to take a year off from college to do it. I was so sad that I went to this church and just cried and cried at the tabernacle. I thought my life would never go on. I was so ashamed, sorrowful, and hopeless at that time. God delivered me from those times of sorrow and renewed my life and gave me a new mission. So being there in prayer tonight made me realize that this time in my life will too pass. If it won't pass me by, I will embrace it. I will surrender all of my longing for children to God. I have no reason to fear that he will disappoint me. I told him I can do anything he wants me to do. I kept telling God I can do anything you want for me to do. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it, God. Believe me I can. I can love my life with or without children. I can God. You are my source of happiness. Only you God are my source of joy. I had no back up plan. I kept thinking what am I doing, but in my heart, I knew he needed to hear me surrender to him willingly. No tears. No sadness. Only joy and peace.

Okay, here is another story all together. I had so much time before mass, that I drove around some neighborhoods near the church to look at some cute homes in the area. Well, I turned down this one street in not the best neighborhood and saw this little boy wandering along the sidewalk of the street with a stick. I looked all around for some adult who was watching out for this little boy. Well, there was no sign of adult supervision. I saw another car pull to the opposite side of the road and I was thinking maybe they recognize the boy or are calling the police. Well, the next thing I know they pull into a driveway and go inside. So I keep going around the block watching out for this little boy. For about 15 min. I stayed at a stop sign for a while just waiting to see if this boy would go to one of the homes that he belongs to or an adult related to the child would surface. Well, he finally went to a door and knocked and a woman opened the door. I am hoping she was the mother or aunt, anything. I then left, feeling relieved that at least someone was paying attention to this child finally.

Hope you all are doing well on your lenten resolutions. Especially fasting from the internet. Peace be with you all.

Lenten Article from Ronald Rolheiser

I just realized I did not read my mediation from Ron Rolheiser yet and when I did, I knew I had to share it with you.

Go to this link: www.ronrolheiser.com

Happy Mardi Gras!

Down here in Southwest Louisiana, Mardi Gras is a paid holiday for almost everyone with office/state jobs. So I am enjoying some time at home with Daisy. It is very quiet. I ate a leftover chicken breast from our bbq on sunday and then took a long, hot bath. The only thing is I think my baths are probably too hot, because I am physically drained after finishing one. I did get to see one my favorite shows on HG.tv. Then my hubby called to see if I wanted to go to the parade this evening. We hardly ever go to parades anymore but it is sort of fun when you are with a group of good, fun people. We will be going with his buddy and his wife. So it should be a fun time. I told J that he could let me know what he decided to do after he gets off work today. Of course, being the surrendered wife that I am, this worked really well. We will see. I would be just as happy staying at home and cuddling on the couch.
Mardi Gras parades were a fun part of my past. My step-grandparents lived near the place where the parades pass through, so it was always a day with family and really great food. My grandma could really cook. I just wish I would have taken the time to learn her recipes before she got sick. She died when I was 24 and still being very reclusive about losing our first child and not having any more come along. It was only a few years later, that my grandfather died too. I miss them still. On a very positive note, it was on Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras) 10 years ago that J told me he loved me for the first time and we just knew that we were heading toward marriage. We knew this was not something casual, but the real kind of love we had been praying for over the many years of waiting.
I recently posted some pics from college on FB and in the pics there was memories from an all-girls trip three friends and I took to Gulf Shores and I remember we were all thinking, we would never find our Mr. Forver. Well, quite suprising I was the first one to get married and now we are all married and they all have 3 kids already. I can't be the first for everything ;) I, then, decided that I need to not be counting the cycles, days, weeks, months, years of ttc as a waste. I could very well in 10 years see pics from today and think back saying "Wow, and we wondered if the kids would ever come?" I have been having a great peace (that truly surpasses all understanding) that I will be a mother one day. I will finally see a positive preg. result, I will finally get my own "Annunciation" . I will give birth to a baby or babies. My only job right now is to continue promoting my health, being open to life, and share wonderful times with my husband. God is in control of my tomorrows and he is with me today!
On a more somber note, I am not looking foward to going back to work tomorrow. It is going to be hectic, being ash wednesday and all and knowing that we are having a huge group come for mass in the evening (which means I will be working until at least 9 pm) and a presentation to prepare for lent and in the past few days I realized that the priest I work with has not given me any of the materials to prepare on the computer yet or copy so it will be a last minute, hectic day. You can see how worried I am with that crazy run on sentence. Plus to top it off, I am responsible to come up with a beautiful prayer area first thing in the morning for the staff meditations for the remainder of Lent. Plus fasting! woe is me - hahahaha.
I pray for God's blessings to you all, especially those of you who are hurting physically and emotionally today.
Dearest Abba,
I pray for all who struggle with infertility today and for the crosses it brings into their lives every moment of every day. You are the giver of life and we look to you to bring us life, hope, renewed faith, and mercy. Be with us today and bless those who love us dearly and suffer greatly in being unable to fix us, but are just called to share this journey with us. Amen.

Thoughts on Marriage

Today I just wanted to share with you all a very simple sentence that DH and I found at the end of our bible study on St. Paul yesterday. It says that "Clearly marriage is a 'great mystery' that surpasses happiness on the natural level and is orientated to the very salvation of the husbands' and wives' souls."
I told the group we were in last night that before I got married, someone told me that my mission as J's wife was to "make J a saint'. He just laughed, what does that say about me??? HA HA HA.
He clearly thought that was funny and one tough mission, I guess he never knew why all that nagging was heading his way over the years . . ha ha hahahaha.
No, seriously, I have been trying to use some of the lessons from a "Surrendered Wife". He is not responding as the book said he would though, I want to keep trying but I sometimes fail. I am very humbled at this point.
Today I am at home with M (it is mardi gras holiday) and one of the neighbor boys is here playing with him. They are such good boys and it helps that they get along so well. M is really just learning what it means to get along with others his age. He has the hardest time getting along with his 15 mo. older brother. Keep in mind this is the same kid they keep telling me is uncontrollable, mean, and abusive to his mom and brother. He also never eats at home and he has done nothing but eat well and balanced meals here. He told us when he first came over this weekend is that he no longer sleeps good at night. Well, lo and behold the first night he went to bed at a decent time and then we kept getting up to check on him and he slept so well, he slept until 9:20 am. We did not have the heart to wake him, bc it seemed like he was finally getting some peaceful rest. He did well all day yesterday, even in church. We had to find the church with the latest am mass so we could go and not miss due to his sleeping so late. But that worked out beautifully bc we went to the parish I grew up in and rec'd all of my sacraments of initation. We had a beautiful homily and I saw some familiar faces. He slept in a little today, too. He is just so calm at our home . . . what is the deal. I don't stay on his case, bc I don't have to, but there is also no competition for attention. His needs are met and we provide suitable entertainment. I feel sometimes that I will be so tired by the time my children are his age, but I say just let me have the first child and we will take it one day at a time.
I am on cd 10. So far cd 1-7 were red, 8-10 green with only one day of shiny. I am pretty pleased so far bc the days of red were better than the last few cycles. I did have some very light brown bleeding for a few hours on day seven. I had it for 2 days the previous cycle. I don't really know what is making the change, but it makes me hopeful that things are progressively getting better! I start the fertile cm supplements today. They are helping, but I just wonder why it takes such a grand maze to find possible ways to bring life into our marriage? I keep thinking that we are here in this place for a reason. God keeps reminding me of this, I just have to have renewed faith and hope and know that if it doesn't not happen this cycle . . . I will go on and keep trying. Prayers continue for all my buddies on the blog world.

Called and Blessed

I recently got an invitation to a luncheon from my dear friend who taught me Creighton in 2007. By the way, it hit me today that we started learing the method almost two years ago in March. We hit alot of roadblocks with getting our letter written to Dr. Hilgers to be accepted as his patient. My instructor and friend was then pregnant with her seventh child and with a full life and she was basically teaching me the method bc she really felt called by God to do so. She had not taught anyone for the last several years bc of being so filled with attending to the needs of her family. When our paths crossed, she was filled with compassion and shared the gift of Creighton with me. So we would meet when we could and then all was delayed a little when she gave birth to her seventh child at the age of 42. I am saying all this background info to explain why I have so much hope for myself at this point. Well, the invitation to the luncheon included her friend giving a presentation on Shak.lee products so that my instructor can earn some more money while staying home raising her little family. On the invitation, it said the name of the lady giving the presentation for her and the name seemed so very familiar. It turns out this was the lady that taught my instructor the Model and they worked together in sharing this with other families for over 10 years. I learned a great deal about the products they represented and when everyone left, I shared my story and thankfulness to both of these women for being courageous and giving some of their life's energy to transform my life. We are talking about a true legacy of love, compassion, and ministry for families by families.



I shared with her that my instructor offered to teach me the model in 2007. I was accepted as a patient of Dr. Hilgers at the end of 2007 and the majority of the 2008 was full of medical procedures from Dr. Hilgers. I expressed my gratitude for being treated with dignity and respect. She then relayed to me that she was in her 30's when she began working with Dr. Hilgers. She laughingly told me that he was determined to get her pregnant. He was so passionate about it, so determined. I almost got the impression that his determination buoyed her on the rough patches of the treatment programs. She did not say it was easy. But she did say it was worth it. She told me that she now has 4 beautiful children. The oldest is 24, married, and then she has a 21 year old, 15 year old, and then a 13 (I think) year old. She clearly told me that she had to take progesterone injections to keep her pregnacies and she did lose several early on. While this is not the first time someone has told me to not be disappointed if I do conceive and miscarry, because it is showing progress. I don't like the idea of losing another child to miscarriage. This woman talked about her miscarriages so easily, that I knew she had to have the peace of Christ dwelling in her. I am just hoping that in the last 20 years, the research he has learned about low progesterone in early pregnancy will be enough to help any babies that are conceived to remain living in my womb until they are ready to live outside the womb. She and my instructor just looked at me not with pity, but with understanding. I felt like I would soon be in this league of women, like they were preparing me to join in this journey of motherhood. Does this make any sense??? I just got the impression that they were assured that I will be raising my own children one day soon. It was not just a hope, but an assured hope.



Within minutes, I explain to them that I really feel called to go forth and share this wealth of information to the women who are suffering in our community and I want to get the support of the diocese that I work for and possibly the doctor that I see. I tell them about my shower epiphany. I was in the shower today just wondering why God is making me wait for our baby. I have been trying to let myself and my success speak volumes to the priests and those in family life ministry that what I sought healing for and going nearly across the country was worth it. I have been telling myself that when I am pregnant people will listen and I will have greater courage to put myself out there to share this information with others. Then it hit me "Why do I have to wait for God to show favor on me, for me to allow him to use me for this ministry?" I think I would have jumped on the bandwagon a long time ago, but my husband in his wisdom continues to tell me that we need to allow my body to heal well before we go out and promote this way. Everyone I talk to seems to agree with him. So here I am waiting, supposedly assured, for my babies to come. I feel called to this ministry, but am I? I want people to have the knowledge but does it have to be me? If not me, then who? This lady was so fired up with my passion for wanting to get the support of the church here, she offered to share the information they presented to their bishop and priests in their diocese. She also told me about a support group in Houston that is for infertility and Creighton Support. She is willing to offer her assistance in preparing information to present to my bishop, who is very pro-life. I know all bishops should be, but he makes a point to validate life in all ways and it makes me proud. I also see him all the time and talk with him but cannot seem to get the courage of St. Therese to make my interest known. I will continue praying for this and I ask for your prayers as I wait for our babies to come. Then will I be too busy for this? If you all knew me in person, you would know that I am a very shy person. I have to be motivated passionately to be bold and I am ready to be bold like St. Therese and all the other saints in making this mission known. I believe that God will open the doors when he is ready for them to open.

Following Jesus

Today was pretty good, although I had some mild VLB. Didn't really feel like myself today, but there were no major crisis emotions, so that is good.
At the end of the day I finally got around to reading the meditation for the day and I wanted to share it with you all.

"Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his (HER) cross, and follow me." Mark 8:34

Mary Morrocco relfects the following in Living Faith:
"These are hard words. Could Jesus be telling us he wants us to suffer? That he wants our selves to be lost? Sometimes we get the idea that the more miserable we are, the better God likes it. Indeed, in my own life it's tempting to congradulate myself for doing the hard things, as though I could earn God's love and mercy, those pure gifts.
The key is in the final words, "and follow me". It's because he leads, that we are able to live differently. Because love calls us foward, our burdens are transformed and become places of freedom."

I used to glory in suffering, I learned this early in college by reading "The Story of the Soul" the autobiography of St. Therese of Lisseux. I would GLORY in suffering. I can remember certain instances in my life when I chose the road of suffering to grow in faith and love for God. As I am writing this it occured to me it the fact that I chose to suffer, that made it bearable. Knowing that there is an alternative to suffering, that I consiously chose the path. Now I understand why I am not glorying (is that a word?) at this moment as I continue to suffer not being fertile! I did not choose it. I did not say that this is the cross I want to bear. I chose to bear the cross of cutting my salary in half and taking a ministry job to work in a less stressful environment. I chose voluntarily teach 11th graders for 5 years to prepare them for the sacrament of confirmation. I volunteered to share my story of conception to save unborn babies lives. I choose to stand up for life in the midst of a culture of death.

I did not choose to have endo, PCOS, tyroid problems, infertility, or very early miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage that forever changed the person that I am and my newly wedded husband did not know how to find the spirited woman I was before our miscarriage.
This cross has changed me. I am in a different place than I was in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, & 2008. But am I better off spiritually. I feel like I am figting spiritual warfare every minute of every day. I deeply desire to carry my cross passionately, without reservation. I am not sure I can say that I have been for the last 2-3 months. I will do more to try. I want to live in the freedom of loving Jesus where I no longer see my will, but his. Where I no longer see the cross as mine, but ours.
On a side note, I don't know how I would be able to do without the strength of my husband. He believes that dreams come true, that prayers are answered, and that miracles still happen to even people like us. For so many yearsl, I was the one who buoyed us with hope and now it is he that gets us treading on the water's surface when I fill like surrendering to the waves. God was so wise when he declared that it is not wise for man to be alone. I am glad that God gave J to me as a helpmate and vice versa. He is strong when I am weak these days and I am thankful for that.
I am now officially off for a four day weekend! Down here is Louisiana, we take Mardi Gras very seriously. I just enjoy being off before the beginning of Lent. Gives me some extra time to prepare my soul for the fasting.
Prayers continue for you all! Thanks for all your encouraging words about Daisy, she is now back to her ol' talkative, rolly polly self!

What kind of mother will I be? *update

Daisy sneaking a peek at baby Jesus.

Daisy successfully destroying the vinyl mini blinds, thus allowing me to plead my case for 2" faux wood blinds

Daisy getting comfortable.

This is about the time we found out about her special needs. She kept wanting to jump from these tall bar stools in our kitchen :)

Daisy getting comfortable in the special blanket my mom made for her so that she would feel no need to climb on mine.


This is a post in honor of the fur baby in our home: Daisy!

This is meant to be a light hearted post, but my heart was a little heavy today.

Yesterday, I needed to bring Daisy, our cat, to the vet to get her annual shots. Well, she was doing her typical routine last night but went to her bed early. Well, during the night, she met me halfway when I headed to the bathroom, she is usually on my heels. So she just wasn't herself. I thought, this will pass. I pet her and talked with her for a few minutes and then went back to bed.

First thing this morning as I am doing my am routine, I notice she is barely moving, not talking (meowing), or getting out of her bed. I keep thinking in the back of my mind, it could take about 24 hours for her to get back to feeling like her old self. It is hard to leave her home. I tried to motivate her with treats, this just made her move bc she did not to be near the smell of the treats. I just moved the treats, gave her a blessing and tore myself away to go to work.

Well, needless to say, I was WORRIED all day long. Full of anxiety that I would come home and have her barely breathing or worse. Before you think that I have gone off the deep end, this behavior was similiar to what happened to our Angel the cat I had for 11 years. One day I brought her to the vet and then she got terribly sick and never recovered. Her list of medical concerns included cancer and every day she got worse. She only lasted about 10 days after that vet visit. We always thought that it had to have been the FEMA camper we had lived in while we were trying to get our home and land fixed up after Hurricane Rita. There was lots of formaldahyde poisoning found and we thought that maybe she was more exposed to the fumes since she stayed in the camper during the day (with the air on of course) while we went to work. Well, that being said. I worried like a crazy woman today.

My husband got home before me and he called me to tell me that she was moving and talking and waiting for me at the screen door. I hurried home. She moved so slowly and looked to be so sore. I finally got her to eat a few treats and then about an hour later we were able to get her to eat some of her food. My husband was able to get her to drink some fresh water.

I keep thinking I am going to worry like a mad woman any time my kids get sick! In any event, I will be so thankful to have a kid to worry about and care for, even when the may be puking everywhere.

Oh, and another tid bit about our lovey Daisy. Her two joints at the hips do not have sockets. Not kidding. We used to wonder if she had been injured or hit by a car before we adopted her because if she moved a certain way, she would limp around for a few hours and we could tell she was in pain. The vet did some xrays on her and they found that there is no hole (sockets) for the to hip joints to fit in. It basically is bone rubbing against bone which they said would bother her more with age and added weight. We do try to help her to maintain a healthy weight, but she is not 12 lbs, 3 oz. Pretty big. She also stays constipated. So the vet told us to add metamucil to her food. Now that I am typing all of this, I am just so overwhelmed with all of her special needs. We just try to love her, she is so doggone lovable.

Hope you all are having a great evening and that you did not spend your day worrying away, as I did!

*****************

Daisy is almost back to herself 100%. Something to be thankful for in the midst of all of the craziness in my life.

Wiped Out!

I have not been blogging much lately bc I am just in such a weird place these days. I have made it past the sad feelings for not being able to conceive last cycle. In all honesty, I think I had a hormonal shift breakdown. I think that that cycle could have been the first time I really ovulated and had somewhat normal hormones that when they dropped off with the new cycle I dove off the deep end with them. I have not been easy to live with for the past few days, even though I am not feeling terrible sadness with this new cycle. I have just been picking silly fights with my husband and making him feel like he is not doing enough for me or for this marriage. I think it might be my way of dealing with some lack of control issues and I am never able to stop myself before I get started and then once it is over, I am terribly regrettful and see how silly it all was. There are two issues we are just not agreeing on, but the bottom line is we love each other and we are totally committed to each other, so why not rejoice in the good things in life.
Well, in all honesty, I am trying to do this but some issues were stirred up in spiritual direction yesterday and I was brutally honest about how much I want these two things in my life and share them with the love of my life. One being that we can continue to grow and agree in prayer and the other is never make room for adoption if we are unable to conceive naturally.
Earlier this month, I really told my husband that I want to raise babies - I want to mother, I want to nurture and I want to parent with him. Regardless of the fact that the child shares our genes or not. I know I can love a child that needs me to be its mother and I just wish my husband would be willing to take the risk of loving a child through adoption not knowing all the answers. I realize that just because we pursue adoption, there is no guarantee that a child will be placed with us. I just want to know that we have tried all avenues. On the other hand, he feels that we are going to conceive and that we have the best possible doctor caring for us to ensure that this will happen. I am really struggling with my not surrendering to this possibility and just riding the waves of hope for the next 12 - 15 months. I don't think our doctor would have told us we have a 90% chance to conceive in 12-18 months from my last surgery date. I think he is smart enough to know when the odds are really in our favor. So that is really what it all boils down to. I am not being patient enough to let my body heal and surrender to my husband's desires and plans for my family. Last night, I was so miserable with myself becasue my lack of faith was so evident as I spewed calloused words to my hopeful husband. I think I just keep trying to find little things wrong with him instead of dealing with my own imperfections and strained faith right now. I have opened myself up to be so vulnerable with others knowing our story and receiving their prayers, that I am starting to get embarrassed around these people to becasue my body is just not healing the way all of our prayers are asking. Wait. I am doing it again. Let me refocus. Focus on the positive things.
I did have my cycle review done yesterday with the nurse from PPVI. The things I was worried the most about they clearly said was all normal and typical. My body is responding to the hcg injections as hoped. My body is responding to the Fertile Cm just as he hoped! My mucus pattern looked just great to them and there was no real evidence for Brown bleeding. I was also having some really late Peak type mucus for the last several cycles at the very end of the cycle (like 1-3 days before a new cycle would start). He told me that this is completely normal and is endometerial fluid preparing my lining to be shed. That was great comfort bc I thought it might have been a sign of low progesterone or that all of the good from the surgeries were disappearing. .
Over the last year, I have been given the opportunity to learn about our Lady of Guadalupe and I am just amazed that I was led to her. She is the patron of the Amerias and the Unborn. I am surrounded by love from her every day. St. Therese is also so very kind in showing me that my prayers are being heard and I had a very clear sign of that on Monday. God truly is very good to me. My husband is very good to me. I am very blessed. I am continuing to surrender to his will every day and each day seems harder than the last.
I am climbing onto my Father's lap and letting him know my desires and he will wipe away my tears and clothe me with Grace.
One last note, thank you all for your prayers and openness in sharing your struggles. You all are teaching me so much! Today's meditaition talked about how the sick man's friends brought him to Jesus for healing and I will do the same for you all and I thank you all for doing this for me.

Healing Graces

Just a quick update to say that I am feeling better. A little more balanced. I also was reminded this morning to be a imitator of Christ in all things. I think yesterday was my day of sweating blood . . .in my venting, crying, and screaming at the reality that is my life. All day today I felt ashamed for my lack of faith, selfishness, and inability to be happy with the gifts I do have in my life. I was so ashamed of my behavior yesterday. So this morning I went to confession and I expained my shame and sin of being so angry with God and any offensive, faithless comments I may have said in my sadness and bitterness. I just felt like such I was showing no faith in God's healing plan for my life. My priest simply said that he would like for me to never think of my self as lacking faith or being lukewarm as I experience these emotions. He acknowledged that this is hard and then gave me absolution. Let me also say that the tears have been fewer today. Except for when I was in cofession and at the beginning of Mass. Graces were abounding today! Praise the Lord to whom all good blessings flow!

Suffering and Surrendering

I have to say that I do not want to post about my day today because it just stinks. AF arrived at 5:40 am today. I was hurting so bad, I could not go to sleep so I took a Pontsel and about an hour after laying on my side, I was able to fall asleep. At first, I could not believe it. I have never been so hopeful as for the 48 hours leading up to this mornings untimely arrival. If my peak day was correct, I had a 14 day lp which is usually just 11 days. I had no signs and symptoms to indicate it was arriving so I was just shocked. I was not even sad at the moment. I guess the pain trumped the emotions at that time. I crawled back in bed and gave my hubby his valentine card and gift (yes, I woke him up early). I had been having his card for over three weeks because I had found the perfect one really early. I let him enjoy the card and the small gift I chose for him and then told him about it being the 1st day of a new cycle. I asked him if he was sad and he said no, so that made me feel better. I did not disappoint him. He just told me that he really thinks that my levels getting better was the good news this cycle. I just let him hold me and it seemed to make me feel comforted. Well with the pontsel I was able to rest for another 2 hours and then we got up. He was just his old self. But I felt sadder than I did before I rested again.
I did not want to get out of bed. I just wanted to stay there and let the world pass me by. I did not want to go out in public and I did not want to face the world at all. Besides being sad, I am angry. I am angry that I put my self out there again (emotionally letting myself hope and believe in miracles) and got struck down AGAIN. I have tears streaming down my face right now. I heard this song in the car today that was talking about surrendering to God's will and it just made me want to scream. So I screamed at the top of my lungs (at this point I am alone in my car on valentine's day). Then I screamed again. It felt like a release, but now my throat hurts. I felt very foolish. I just showed the depth of my pain. Every month the longing seems to increase as well as the disappointmnet. I foolishly got excited over the possibility of actually being with child, that I became more vulnerable than I can ever remember being. Then I thought to myself "What use is it to surrender to God's will when you still end up being empty handed?" I am not proud of this thought, but it deserves to be given some time in prayer. I feel like I am putting my trust in the wrong things. Or that I am asking him for the wrong things and that I must be the most dense person in the world to not get what he is asking of me yet. After 8 years. Can I be happy not raising children?
Here is how my Valentine's day turned out: 1st - wake up in pain, notice big fat sign that reminds me that I am definitely not pregnant, 2nd - my husband brings me out to eat at a little mexican restaurant, 3rd - go to get my meds from a pharmacy, 4th - on the way home, my husband gets a call from his dad to go fishing, so he wants me to drop him off and go pick him up when he is done. So I guess his day is flippin done with me. Oh, now let's not forget the wonderful topic of conversation my mil decides to spew all over me when I walk in the freakin door to ask me how my mom is doing. I play the situation down because my day is already terrible so I don't want to focus on the poor health of my mom and my MIL continues to keep asking me very sensitive questions. I just tell my husband, well, I do need to hurry home to put our groceries up. Make my escape with no gentleness at all and I hate myself for that.
I just feel like how can the world go on? Can't they see my suffering in my eyes? Can't someone just offer consolation, instead of pain once in awhile.
Another bad thing about being so hopeful is that I let you all think that I could possibly be pregnant and enjoyed all of your words of encouragement only to have to tell you that "No, the miracle is not happening at our home this month."
I have never been angry with God about my infertility. I have felt ashamed about it over the years, but I never blamed him for allowing me to be this way. I just aked him to reveal to me what his desires are so they can be my desire. He then planted adoption in my heart, only to not plant it in my husband's heart yet. Then we were led to Napro Technology which is probably is bringing much healing. It has been a rocky road. Some wonderful times, some like today.
Wishing all of my blog friends peace and assurance in know that God is truly with them in this valley of tears.

Blood work results

I had to call the nurses from PPVI today and they called me back not 2 hrs later with my results from my P+7 results. Remember how I was saying I was not even sure if I correctly identified my peak day. Well, last night after looking at my chart, I got very discouraged and upset with myself (like I can really control what my body is doing). So anyway, the nurse told me that the results were definitely post ovulatory! This was music to my ears. I feel like it is Christmas or Resurrection Sunday! Then she gave me the specific numbers. My progesterone level was 10.1 (which Dr. Hilgers likes it to be at least 13) and my estradoil level was 7.1 (which Dr. Hilgers wants it to be at least 12). I really did not get bogged down in the shortcoming of the numbers because I just knew that this is massive improvement from the 1st and 2nd times I tested. I did explain to her that I was so unsure about when my true peak day was and then explained that I was worried because AF has not arrived yet. She then said that if it has not arrived by Monday, I will need to have them send out an order for a blood pregnancy test. Now, don't you know I will be completely anxious until Monday. I really hope AF does not show up! I was filled with excitement, joy, and then nervousness all in about 1 minutes time as the possibility sank in. I then went straight to our adoration chapel to pray and then called my husband. We were both so fired up. He is much calmer than I am at this point, but just the knowledge that I did ovulate and there was an egg for him to fertilize is miraculous to me. Hoping the future in very bright here in SWLA!

Thoughts for the day!

Today was a fantastic day! It was so quiet at work today, I read my newspaper and checked my email most of the day. Then there was the spotting of a monster alligator about three feet from where I park my vehicle everyday! Our retreat center is basically on an island in the middle of swamp land! While you may get very ugly images of it, I tell you it is one of the most restful and beautiful places in LA. It was actually a day filled with lots of wildlife. One of the ladies saw the one of the foxes that live on the property. I only got to see them one time, but they were gorgeous! At one time in the year, they will bring their young out into the open spaces to run and play and it is always right at dusk. The only thing about knowing about all of this wildlife is that now I am not so sure about walking on the nature trail anymore! One time we have someone walking on the trail and a wild boar was running through the woods and she did not know what to do, so she just stepped out of the boar's way and he just barreled past her! I don't know how she managed to keep breathing and find her way out of the woods! We have also been having some of the most beautiful birds all over the courtyard right outside my office. I can't wait for the rabbits to start moving about again. We don't see them too much until spring.
Well, I really did not intent to talk about the wildlife, but I just started remembering it all when I was saying that I was having a great day! My boss even let me leave work about an hour early, so I was able to beat my hubby home, start dinner, and do tons of housework! I have already washed the sheets and put them back on the bed, did 3 loads of laundry, and cleaned out a few cabinets - this was all while the dinner was cooking in the oven! I am so glad things were productive today!
I am on cd 34 (12 po- I think). The reason I am unsure about my peak day is because the fertile cm made me a little confused and I really question if I correctly identified my true peak day! I was extremely stressed out this month around my peak time, so I really don't know if I should be hopeful that a real pregnancy is possible or prepare myself for a terribly timed arrival of cd 1. I am allowing myself to hope that I could be pregnant, we definitely tried to make the most of our chances! I still have not heard back from the nurses at PPVI on my p+7 blood draw. Hopefully they will call soon.
I have been doing some real soul-searching lately (probably thanks to Sew's book :)). It is really having a postive impact on my attitude and my marriage and I haven't even finished chapter one. Good things are happening! The only thing that is really bothering me right now is knowing that one of my little cousins is suffering terriblly from neglectful parenting and is now going to have to go through another social service agency to get help. I really feel it is his mother that needs more help in parenting, but we have been trying to teach her this since he was 2 years old and now he is 11. He stays in trouble at school and the teachers have not been very helpful. Last year at this time, he was living with us and J and I tried for six weeks to help him give him a fresh start. We literally had to do it all. We met with teachers, counselors, principals, social workers, etc. We did 4th grade homework every night and worked really hard to keep him from failing in school! Luckily he did pass 4th grade! He is a very smart kid, just had no routine at home. At home, he was the adult. He had a brother at home, but he stayed at his grandparents. Both boys were very young when their dad died unexpectantly at the age of 31. My aunt was a widow at 29 with a 3 year old and a 23 month old. While my aunt went through her grief and recovery, the boys spent almost all of their weekends with us! M spent more time with us bc his brother would spend more time with the other side of the family. M is now given a few adhd meds and depression meds. It is greiving my spirit. Well, anyway, M finally went to live with his mom and the Social Services got involved and it looks like he is the starter of problems, but I just think he needs love and discipline, not a probation officer is what his mom is trying to get for him. He has never done anything illegal. He has a tough time in school and does not get along with his mom. When he is with us, he is generally fine. I am asking for you to join me and J in prayer for him and whoever it is that will determine his fate on Friday. I don't think that he will ever be able to live with us or any other family member because I think he will be so resentful to not be with his mother! While he does not get along with her, he desperately seeks her love, approval, and acceptance. Please pray! He still loves to come to our home, but I think that he thinks we gave up on him. I guess I should ask your prayers for my heart, that I would be given the grace to know that we did the best that we could for him. My husband and I are suffering so much right now about this. All of our friends know this whole story, bc M has always been with us on the weekends for the last 8 1/2 years and it is only now that he is not a fixed part of our lives on a regular basis. I have been praying for the last 9 years for my aunt to get her act together and enjoy her children, but it is just not happening. Now my prayer is that he will survive the next seven years and be a healthy adult with as little resentment as possible.
I have been saying special prayers for all of my blog friends on my way to work and way home each day! Hope you are all doing well and are filled with God's grace today!
Now, I am off to reading some more of that phenomenal book!

Pulling my head out of the sand

Well, today I am all about pulling my head out of the sand and deciding to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have been such a bitter person for the last few days that I was completely miserable to be around. I did not post on those days bc I did not want to even put into words the reality of what I was feeling or dealing with lately.

I seriously need to go to confession because I really think that I say some things very offensive to God and I doubted His healing power. No, wait, I did not question His healing power, I questioned why he did not will to heal me yet! Big, huge difference.

I saw this saying in Ki.rklands the other night "Faith is not believing that God can, it is believing that he will." That sucker punched me. I meditated on that all weekend. Needless to say that on the way home that night, DH and I got into a discussion on something very important to us and we completely disagreed and I wondered what do we do when we cannot agree on this essential matter. We let the conversation linger, which made for a grumpy sunday. I finally came around and brought the subject up again on Sunday night and he was so disappointed that I cound not let it go. I told him we have to figure this out. It was not an option to let it linger anymore. Well, after that discussion, we were able to embrace and be thankful that God delivered us out of the belly of the whale.
Someone said that God heals us in one way or another when we pray for healing. It can come in different forms, either spiritually or physically. God has healed me spiritually, but I was going backwards this weekend. Now, I am still hoping he wills to heal me physically.
Thanks be to God for faithful husbands and families who support and do not destroy life. Amen.

Better Day

I had a much better day today. I woke up determined to not let others control my reactions today. My direct supervisor was on a war path today, but I just stood my ground and then later asked her how she was doing. That sort of turned the tables and allowed her to vent. I think she has been so stressed and I am the one who sees so much of it.
I also did great with my dinner choices last night and all day today. I did a couple short walks throughout the day so I think that helped with my energy and spirit. I really appreciate all of your comments and support. It really helped me as I processed things today. What I think really helped was that I packed some healthy snacks today to eat throughout the day so that I would not be starving at certain points of the day and just give in an indulge in something terrible for me. This change really helped. My DH had to put his vehicle in the shop so I picked him up this afternoon and he offered to get us some fast food but I just kept driving home, intending to have a salad and grilled chicken sandwich. I did have a coke though. That really is a weakness for me, but I drank water all day before that. Just gotta keep up the momentum.
In cycle news, still just having to use green stickers and no pms symptoms today. I really feel that I had no idea when my true P day was, so I am not able to figure out when my next cd 1 should start.
Yesterday, I was so down in the dumps, I was thinking "How will I keep this up for the next 18 months?" I really wanted to just quit all of the medical treatments and meds and just get a removal of all the defective female parts! Today, I received my answer. I remember that I make a committment to be open to life and this is my way to being open to life. I can do this. This morning as I was getting ready, I was thinking that the way these cycles are coming, it would come across that I am bipolar! I sure hope not!
I so blessed that God is calling me to himself and revealing his love to me in countless ways throughout the day. So glad that today I was able to recognize a few of those ways today!

What is with this attitude???

I don't know what the heck is going on with me but I am about the meanest, grumpiest, and dowright sassy woman here is SWLA! Well, there is one contender trying to beat me out of this post and it would be my direct supervisor! She gets in these funks and it makes me miserable! I usually just let it roll right off my shoulder but that was not happening at all today. Part of me always wants to look at what is going on with my cycle for some answers to this. I am cd 26, but according to my chart my P day was on day 21 (at least I think so) . The fertile cm gave me tons of mucus and every day I would think was my peak day! Talk about a loose cannon when I am trying to hurry and find out my peak since I have time-sensitive hcg meds. Is that too much to ask? See, I am sassy! Yet, today and last night I could have been certain that I was having my typical pms symptoms. Then another sign that my hormones are not right is that I sometimes get 2 - 3 dark hair around my chin that make me feel like a total freak! It is always in the same places and it seems to just show up overnight. I am so sorry that this post is so depressing.
Things are not looking so great for my mom and I am worried about some of my other relatives that I just don't know what to do about right now.
My Monday off was very productive and then I got a migrane in the afternoon and it lasted until midmorning tuesday.
I am just very discouraged about the way this cycle is turning out. Nothing seems right. My mucus pattern seemed confusing. I don't feel like I could possibly be pregnant right now. It would only be because God wills it and allowed new life to be nested into my womb.
I am trying to learn to eat healthy and I am having the hardest time staying motivated. I came home and made 5 chocolate chip cookies. I only ate 3, J ate the other two. We are having baked chicken breasts, salad, and some mashed potatoes. I keep thinking that I would like to start the low gi diet but don't know which book would be most helpful for me to start with. I was doing LA W.eight L.oss last year, but I am never in the city where it is for long enough during the week days to go in for my consultations. Something has to change. I keep saying that I am going to walk to a video I have, but failed to do it this afternoon. I just keep figuring that if it is my weight that is keeping me from conceiving, I really need to do something about it. I am making a commitment to do more. I am so down about this, but I really think that even if I make one good choice, it will start to make me want to make more better choices!
Let's see, hopefully tomorrow will be less moody!

Busy weekend!

This is the blanket my mom made for my bithday and we were trying to keep Daisy away from it, but she found it anyway. That is a comfy cat! These are some of the balloons J sent to me at work on Friday.

This is my nephew with the new bargain bib I found that says "I love my aunt" He loved the lights at Ch. Cheese for Dev's birthday party.

The is the reaction we were going for. It made all the searching for this tractor worth it. It is his first John Deere tractor. What a great 5th birthday. They are so much fun at this age!

First of all, let me say that as I headed out the door on Friday morning I said a prayer asking St. Therese to send me a flower as a message of love today. Thank goodness I started the day with prayer bc the day proved to be full!

Well, Friday was a day of mixed emotions. I had got a terrible call from my mom telling me some bad news about her health. I was just really stressed about the call because she was crying and having a hard time explaining what the doctor/nurses told her. She has finished her chemo and is now ready to begin the radiation but was getting really mean comments from the local doctor she was referred to to oversee the radiaiton treatment. She is overweight and really swollen from a lot of swelling and the meds she has been on for depression and cancer treatments have made it very difficult to control her weight. The doctor locally told her she needed to lose 40 lbs in 3 weeks or lose both breasts. This terrifed her because it is not possible and she just went through months of chemo and surgery and was thinking she was getting closer to getting out of the belly of the whale and was slapped in the face with yet another challenge. She is going to see her surgeon in Shreveport and the oncologist this week so we will see what they recommend. The first doctor she saw in the beginning of this journey also told her she would need to remove her breast to remove the cancer and the doctors in Shreveport were able to provide other options, so that is what we are praying for in this circumstance.

After this call, I received a beautiful ballooon bouquet with a mug full of sweets from my husband. That really brighten my day! J used to send me flowers all the time when we were dating and when we were first married but I would bring them home and get sick from all the pollen. After this happening a few times, he stopped sending me flowers bc he got tired of me getting an allergy reaction. I would have rather been sick and have fresh flowers but he still limited the fresh flowers. I plant flowers outside, so thank goodness I have flowers in my life still. Well, anyway, when the balloons arrived I was so happy that he suprised me and got creative in finding an alternative to the flowers. But I was a little disappointed because I said my prayer to St. Therese that morning. I was thinking that she still found a way to send me a message of love through the balloons and cup full of candy.

Throughout the afternoon, I kept calling my Mom to see how she was handling her emotions and she was steadily improving. I shared what was going on with the priest I work with and he told me to finish up my stuff and head out to go see my mom. I laughingly told him "You know, I am not supposed to be STRESSED right now. I will never get pregnant like this!" He the told me "Well go see your mom, love her, and then go home be happy and get pregnant." Well, I hope I can say that I followed his instructions! I went to go see my mom and stopped at a flower store on the way to her home. I just wanted to get her some pink carnations bc when I was born my gma sent my mom a dozen pick carnations and they are my Mom's favorite flower. I go into this flower shop that I have never been to and walked in and there are no fresh flowers in the coolers. My face just fell. There were two ladies working on bouquets and then there was an elderly lady at the counter. I asked her if they had any carnations. She asked what I wanted and I just simply said I wanted something simple to bring to my Mom. She went into the cooler in the back of the shop and brought out a rainbow of carnations. I chose two baby pink ones and two hot pink ones. She then proceeded to take her time in preparing the flowers for me and wrapped them in beautiful ribbon and paper. She brought them to me and they looked so beautiful. She made the simple choice of flowers look like a magnificent bouquet!!! I was so suprised, I did not hear what she was telling me to pay. I pushed my check card toward her and she waver her hand and said "no, go see your momma" I was blown away. All I could say was "God Bless you". She just turned around and said "I love you" Now, I really felt that those words came straight from the St. Therese reminding me of God's great love for me. I am still so amazed. One of my friends said, "St. Therese is always blessing you" I thought that even though the flowers were not for me to keep, the image of the flowers were what I really wanted. I then realized that it was the first time I prayed to receive a gift of a flower as a sign of prayers answered and God used me to give them away! I felt so privelaged. She was so suprised and it made her day! God is SOO good.

After the visit with my mom, I made the long trek home and then my husband took me to eat and we hunted for the perfect gift for our nephew's 5th birthday. All he wanted was a tractor. Well we found one and his reaction to it was priceless! It was the first gift he opened and he fired up! His birthday was at Ch Cheese on a Sat. evening. Need I say more? I hope our kids are happy with a simple party. That place was nuts.

We also went to see Mall Cop and it was very funny and my husband brought me to eat some seafood after that party bc we did not eat at the party. Today, J bbq for us and we had his parents over to join us for lunch. W also went to the early mass. We were able to take a short nap before our follow me group. We are learning so much. I am going to share a few pics from the weekend. In cycle news, I think I finally had a peak day on day 21 (Friday). Late, but I am just wondering if this is a reaction to all the new meds I am taking. We will see what happens. I just hope that my o was not delayed bc of the extra stress that day. Only time will tell.

I am off of work tomorrow. I plan to write an appeal to my insurance company since my secondary is not wanting to pay for anything done last year. Wish me luck. My primary and secondary is the same, but different policies. It has made things difficult to say the least.
I am now 32! When my friend asked me at lunch on Sat. if I was happy about this, I literally started tearing up bc I am not where I was planning to be at 32. I tell you I have been SO freakin emotional. After that was out of the way we had the best time visiting. I think it is so amazing that we have been able to remain so close over the years. We were close in college. The and we were in each other's weddings and she was the first one beside my Mom to know that J and I miscarried our first child. Even then she was so understanding. Well, two years later, she announced she was pregant unexpectedly and the timing of her pregnancy was the same as mine and we had similiar due dates only two years apart. I was still grieving so much, I stayed away from her for a while and by the time her shower came around I went, but cried so much before and after and almost during it. I loved her and and her baby, but I was so overcome with my own grief I could not be transparent to her during this time in her life. I did go to the hospital when she gave birth to her first child and I quietly left the room and literlly took such a long walk I ran and hid at the nearby doctor's offices and cried til I could cry no more. Grief does some funny things to you and she never blamed me or judged me for what I was going through. Once, I got through this it was easier to see the beauty of life. She has since had two more suprise pregnancies very close together and really struggled to be a great mom. I was telling her that my miscarriage and fertility concerns is my cross and hers was not being able to plan her pregnancies. She is thankful for her three little ones. But she reminded me yesterday that she cried everyday she was pregnant with her last one bc she was so afraid of having two children so close together. I told her that I admired that she surrendered her will to God's will and did not fight it! I wish I could have done the same with my fertility concerns. It just took me alot longer to find my peace with believing that God is in charge of my family and he will lead me to healing one day. We were unable to visit with my other friend becase her youngest got rsv. We are continuing to pray for his complete recovery. He is also our godchild and we worry so much.

This post is nutty and way too long. I feel like it is all over the place. Now I will try go and see what is happening in your lives :) If there are tons of typos here, just forgive me. I am watching the game and blogging at the same time. This is actually the first superbowl I have ever seen. I have never seen a half-time show until tonight! Funny, huh? How does one in America not see the superbowl in 32 years???

By the way, I don't know how to put the pics at the end of a post! Any instructions are welcome. That is why they are all listed before the post!