Happy Birthday!

J's birthday is at the stroke of midnight and today it was so much fun to spoil him for the day! Since his birthday falls on a big family day, I like to celebrate with him all to myself the day before!

I asked him what kind of cake he wanted and he said Chocolate! Well, the only cake mix I had in the cabinet was strawberry, but in a moment of divine intervention I remembered that I had some Her.shey's Cocoa mix and all of the ingredients in the pantry to make a homemade (FROM SCRATCH!!!!) Chocolate birthday cake for the love of my life! I was a complete mess when I was done, he actually loved to kiss me and tell me that I looked like the people on cak.e boss! Well, I am proud to report that the cake was DELICIOUS!!!! He just took the spoon straigt to it! I made him a big glass of milk and it was such a treat for him!

I am so glad that he was born 34 years ago! He is such a tremendous blessing to me and I can't imagine not having him by my side! He is my best friend and biggest supporter! He always makes me laugh and loves me in gentle ways that remind me that God's love is true, sincere, and never-ending.

I found this quote on www.ron.rolheiser.com recently and it made me think of J!
"Anne Michael's writing: "Only real love waits while we journey through grief. That is the real trustworthiness between people. In all the epics, in all the stories that have lasted through many lifetimes, it is always the same truth: love must wait for wounds to heal. It is this waiting that we must do for each other, not with a sense of mercy, or in judgment, but as if forgiveness were a rendezvous. How many are willing to wait for another in this way? Very few."

J has loved me in good times and bad. He has waited with me as I journeyed (still journey)through grief.

I prayed for him long before I ever met him. I think it was my freshmen year that my religion teacher challenged us to pray for future spouse EVERYDAY! I started then! In college, I knew he was out there and I would pray for him throughout the whole day! As I was in my senior year, I met him! It was January 1999 that we met and started dating! Let me tell you, he was worth every prayer, every moment of waiting, every tear that I cried as I waited and worth every broken heart until we found one another!

Now, as we wait for our dream to come true of adding to our family, I still find myself thankful that I get to dream next to him each night, that I get to wake up to him each morning, and that I get to live my life with him each day!

Honey, I love you!

What to do?

It is just so hard to be on the IF roller coaster for this long!

It is draining to get great blood results and know that it could mean very little in helping you achieve your dream.

It is not that I am losing hope for this cycle or of ever having a BFP or even of growing our family through the miracle of adoption. I am just so over disappointing my husband. He is so hopeful, I am too. Not that I am disappointing him myself, the inability for the two of us to get a BFP is disappointing the two of us.

I am just so hopeful, yet so reserved. There is some mild cramping going on on the left side mainly. It is not bad, just present. There is a light at the end of the tunnel! I am claiming that right now!

I forgot to mention that J got me the most beautiful Christmas gift!!!!!! A beautiful white & yellow gold dragonfly necklace. I was so suprised! He is always so thoughtful in choosing a gift :)
Note: the pic is from our recent trip and the other is one of us from Christmas eve!

P+7 results

I was able to call PPVI today and get my p+7 blood results and my progesterone was 26.1 and estradoil was 17.8. They were a little better than I antiticipated.

I have been feeling pretty rotten, got a crazy stinking cold on the day we were to leave for our trip. I have been so sleepy and tired, but we really enjoyed out trip to Galveston Island. It was just fun to travel with my husband and sing crazy songs on the road with our terrible nasal voices. Yes, we both have the crud. We are actually doing much better since we returned home, a huge nap helped :)

My new cycle should start either new years day or new years eve. Fun. Oh, well, life will go on. Today is P+12. feeling like it is on its way.

I survived 12/26/09

I have been covered in Grace!

I was able to laugh my way through Christmas and part of Christmas eve and even survived the anticipated EDD for Nicky.

We tried really hard to not focus on sorrow or pain. Ever since I made the commitment to try to let Nicky enjoy their time in Heaven, I have been covered in grace.

It does help that so many people are praying for us!

The only time I cried in the past several days was at Christmas Midnight Mass as I was filled with wonder and awe at the birth of our Savior and when I was reading the first reading this morning at Mass and had to proclaim to the congregation the sacrifice Hannah made in returning her son Samuel to the Lord. I love that line that where it says "this child for whom I prayed. . . " It made me think of our Sam and then I was reminded of Sew's Hannah Grace and was moved to pray for the Sew family :)

One of my best friends' birthday was yesterday and she wanted to eat at a Japaneese restaurant. J and I have never eaten anything like that we were way out of our comfort zone, but we had fun celebrating with her. It was such a great opportunity to celebrate life instead of mouning.

We are planning to take a small getaway this week and I am so excited.

In cycle news, I am at p+10 and only had a few episodes of slight pain on the left side. I keep expecting to get that terrible pain on the right side, but so far that has not happened yet. I really need to do a better job of tracking when those kind of pains come in my cycle. Dr. H did write an order for me to get an utrasound if I do have that pain again. I think that they want to see if there is a cyst. In regard to the pain on the left side, I really think that it must be adhesions that developed after my surgery in May when my left tube was removed. In other related news, I just had to do the hcg on p+3, 5, & 7.

It is so nice to have hope. I really think that this is part of the grace I am receiving straight from Heaven.

We got to go see "Did you.hear about the Morgans?" today and it was hilarious and had the best ending ever . . .

Many prayers to you all for a beautiful New Year celebration! May 2010 bring many blessings to our blogging circle.

HOPES UP

I am at p+6 and I don't know what to expect from my body but I am just hopeful. We did the absolute best we could to try to make a baby (with God's help), so we will see what comes to pass.
I will do the blood draw tomorrow, yes on Christmas Eve.
I have been feeling pretty good and not having alot of pain on either side. I did have some pain on the left side two nights ago, but it went away on it's own. I am almost cautious to say that because you know how once you write something, it changes.
In other news, I was visiting a priest I work with who was at his home this morning because he is recovering from a surgery and he randomly asked me "Are yall still interested in adoption?" He has always been very supportive of us adopting and really has been somewhat a big adoption cheerleader for us. Well, I told him "Yes, we are still very interested in adoption and while we have not started the homestudy process we were trying to see what would happen in the next few months but that is was still very much on the table. He then told me "I don't want to get your hopes up, but I do know of a young woman who is looking to place her child with an adoptive family." At the moment, I was really calm as I sat at the table with him and a coworker of mine. I went on to tell him of my experience at mass last sunday and He remained supportive. I told him, "No, I understand that these things don't always work out." Yet, once I left I went straight to the adoration chapel and prayed that God would protect my heart, J's heart, the mama's heart, and that sweet baby. He gave me no details, but for some reason I am so hopeful for this child. I prayed that God would somehow make sure that this child makes it to the right parents. I don't know what I was thinking but I told him that he could tell this person to contact J and I if they wanted to get to know us or ask us any questions that they may want answered. I have no idea of how far along this young woman may be at this time, but my heart is just overflowing with hope. It almost felt like a Christmas miracle :) Just the idea that someone thought of us FIRST! That we came to mind, what a gift. Only by God's grace, I am convinced. J is working out of town right now and I haven't called him because I am trying to not get my hopes up, but they are up. I just think that this came from a reliable source. WAIT, J just called and I told him the about the conversation that I had with Father! He was more than suprised. We shall wait and see . . . for all I know Father might have just gave me some hope because I would need my hope buoyed to make it through this Christmas season. Just kidding, I don't think he would have done that.

PURE CRAZINESS!!!!

Now for the second magical, sent down straight from heaven part of my day . . .

Earlier this week, I said a prayer to St. Therese, The Little Flower, and asked her to pick a rose from the heavenly garden and send it to me as a message of love. As I was going to an office party, I was early so I drove around the community surrounding the Chancery and stumbled onto a rose garden. I was blown away . . . I have seen this yard before during the spring and summer time, but not in December and there were roses of every kind and color gracing those branches. I was in awe that my prayer was being answered . . . as I drove very slowly past the yard, I lovingly admired the roses and then I say a small angel in the distance and then my eye caught the most beautiful image . . . A LIFE SIZE STATUE OF SAINT THERESE!!!! Then I knew that the prayer was answered through her intercession. My heart was pounding as I stared at her beautiful image. It was at that point that I realized that nothing is in my control in relation to conception or adoption. I can pray, wait in expectant hope, and just wait some more :D

Then when I returned home and checked the mail, I had received a gift from my Advent Prayer Buddy. Ms. Blondie so generously gave of her prayers for me this Advent and for that I am so thankful. The gift she chose for me was a beautiful statue of Saint Nicholas and a prayer card. The gift could not have touched my heart more . . . I just marveled at God's goodness in sending me a friend in her and being so thankful that God has allowed our paths to cross. Thank you, Ms. Blondie :) As always, I am praying for some baby blondies to come your way very soon!

I had the pleasure of having TWO Advent Prayer buddies this Advent - Ms. Blondies & Jeremiah 29:11 - & I was able to offer up all of my suffering during the first part of Advent for the success of their surgieries and that children would become a part of their families very soon!

My specific prayer for Jeremiah 29:11 was that her surgery would be successful, that the homestudy would be completed very quickly, that God would bring life to her womb and nurture that life to a safe delivery, and that if God chose to bring her and her husband their children through the miracle of adoption, that He would do that SOON! See, even in my prayers for others, I throw in that urgency :) I also prayed that God would help Jeremiah and her husband to have renewed faith and hope during this season that reminds us that hope is alive and that God is still reaching out to all of us in love, bringing us MIRACLES!

My specific prayer for Ms. Blondie was that her surgery would be tremendously successful and that Dr. Hilgers would be able to give her some answers and HOPE! I begged God to open her womb when she healed! I specifically prayed for her husband that he find comfort in knowing that she was in the care of a good doctor and that both would trust him. I prayed that their marriage would be strengthened during this time of waiting for healing and that God would carry them on eagles wings even amidst the stormy winds that they may encounter.

In all of this, I lifted them both up to St. Gerard and asked for his intercession.

Ladies, know that I will continue to keep you two and all the other IF bloggers in my prayers.

On the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and wrote to Nicky in my journal. Afterward, I looked back on my notes and reflections from my retreat in April and one of the first lines I wrote down that the retreat master shared with us. He told us "The secret to getting what you want in life is to pray for others to get what you want first." I have finally got there. The other day, I was praying for one particular person (you know who you are) and begging God to bring life to her womb. I don't know when that will happen, but I do believe it will happen one day. That was the gift of the Advent Prayer Buddy system, we are praying for others to have what we desire most. I hope that retreat master was RIGHT! Then we will all have the desires of our heart!

Special note to Jeremiah 29:11 -
I sent you and Ms. Blondies a gift in the mail and when my post office weighed it, but misjudged the amount. I only know this because Ms. Blondie told me she had to go to the post office and pay 68 cents to get the package. I was so disappointed that this happened to her and then I knew yours would probably be wrong too and it is out of my control to fix it. I am so sorry :( Please know that it was not my intention to make the gift to you both become so burdensome. That being said, I hope you both enjoy your gifts! Merry Christmas!

where is there a safe place?

I had a great, but exhausting weekend with my family this weekend! The company was great, the food was fabulous, too bad our team did not win their game. There is always next time.
It was only at the end of the weekend that I got sad. My mom offered to join us for mass and it was very important to go because it was the 4th sunday of advent and since we had stayed up late and needed to bring her home, we were unsure what Mass we would be able to attend. Wel, we got to go to our favorite Mass that we have been going to and the homily was great, one of the lectors did an awesome job of reading the second reading that my heart was turned, and I was so thankful to just be there. The only problem was this gorgeous baby that was only a few months sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I could not look past this baby, it took my full concentration to focus on the priest so that I could simply survive. I managed to avoid looking directly at this baby, but not for long. Even J said "that baby just keeps watching you". Any other time I would have oohed and ahhed over this baby, but this one just took my breath away and I wanted have my baby. It did not help to see my mom just fall head over hills in love for this baby.
Tears silently streamed down my face, past my neck, they never seemed to end. J got so sad for me. I wasn't looking for someone to feel bad for me, in fact I did all that I could to keep my tears to where no one could see them, but in trying to not face my mom, I tried to face J the most as the tears flowed. I told J that if that woman would have looked back at me and said "I cannot care for this child, will take him?" I would have said yes in a heartbeat and never looked back. He agreed with me by saying "Who wouldn't?" God is working on his heart, I know He is!
So I prayed for grace throughout the whole mass and it was just a very special time. Grace covered me! Oh, and when J and I were talking about why that baby seemed so interested in me, you know how they get fixiated on things, well even J said this one was fixiated on me and J just told me "Don't you see that as a good sign?" I told him that it did not occur to me to be a good sign, but I sure hope it was a sign straight from heaven.
Well, I suvived Sunday, only to fall flat on my face today. Not so much with tears at the sight of ANOTHER stunning little one, but just that no place is safe for me. If I would have known that someone was bringing a brand new baby to our staff Christmas party, I would have been able to prepare myself. I did not know, but lo, and behold they show up and everyone is begging to hold her, everyone except me. I hate that IF and pregnancy loss has jaded me so much that I can't trust my emotions to remain intact when I am holing a new baby, much less hearing how much she is a blessing to her mother. While I managed to admire this little angel from afar and remaining aloof about it all, a Sister sits next to me and tells me that her family is expecting SIX new babies in the next few months. Then she went on to tell me that three were just born in the last two months. I know all of the girls she was talking about, I went to college with almost all of them! One of my dear friends is expecting baby #5 and she clearly wrote that while she never expected to have FIVE, she is SO HAPPY!. Well, I dreamed of having FIVE and I have NONE and I am not too happy about it.
So needless to say, I did not stay around long and went back to the office and opened up shop. What really made the waterworkds come out was when a lady who realized she was asking more and more questions about those new babies next to me and getting so excited about them came to me later and apologized for being insensitive. She said "I don't know why I opened up that conversation, it was not a good idea to talk about that at this time." My tears were for two reasons. First, I don't want people to be so aware of my pain that they guard themselves but secondly I was so suprised that someone noticed my pain and suffering. It just amazed me how people can forget that I was ever supposed to be delivering a baby this week, but when someone does remember the tears still come.
I had been doing so well until being presented with these beautiful babies. The desire is SO STRONG! I am ready to get a call of someone who will not be able to parent their child and would choose us to parent that baby. Yet, we haven't even started the adoption p/w. I am ready to get a BFP, but I don't even know if we will ever be able to conceive again of if I would be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy and safely deliver a baby. It is all about trust and that is what I am counting on right now. I am placing my hope and trust in GOD!
Today is p+4, did the first hcg injection last night. I would love for this cycle to be successful, but I will try hard to keep my chin up if my prayers are not answered the way I want them to be answered. So leave it to me to need a blood draw on CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!! I had to coordinate with my lab today to make sure they were open and they will be opened to noon, but they will have to freeze my blood since PPVI lab will be closed for the holiday. I might get my blood work results in before the new year, I hope so. I am just so hopeful!

One last thought, I am missing all of the comments I used to get when I was public and not private. Yet I do feel a sense of peace knowing my readers.
If anyone is reading this (HAHAHA) - I wish you all a merry christmas!

Update

It has been one busy week. Lots of work, but boring days, know what I mean.
I live for 4:30 PM! Especially today. I took a comp day on Friday and so tomorrow I get to sleep late under the warm covers and when I wake up at MY leisure I will be doing things I love to do. I have 3 days off, work 3, then don't have to go back until January 4, 2010. It is highly likely I will start a new cycle right around my husband's birthday on January 1st and I would love to tell him that I am pregnant as a birthday present. The problem is that I have had very scarce CM! There is white babies on my chart, but seriously, I don't think that it is the baby-making kind of peak type cm. I am too worn out to be hopeless anymore! It is just so draining to be so sad all the time, although at the time, I had no means to change it. It was just like a light was finally lit in the darkness and I emerged from the pit! I hope it lasts! Speaking of light in the darkness, I am so happy for Amber! I swear the fact that she has been so faithful to her treatment gameplan and was successful is motivating me to not give up! I think she has lit a fire of hope in all of us in this catholic IF circle :) So glad God is using her to bring us hope :)

Well, I may be off, but I will be busy! We have tons of gifts to wrap and then there is the housework to do. I only plan to leave the house to go to the post office so that I can mail my prayer buddies their gifts! I have grown so much this Advent and I am so suprised at God's goodness! I even listened to "Held" by Natalie Grant today and did not cry. I really don't know how grace is keeping me stable, but whether or not I understand it, I am thankful! Thank you prayer buddy, I can't wait to find out who you are!!!

The big thing that I am preparing for is that we are having my whole side of the family over on Saturday evening for GUMBO! Good cajun chicken and sausage gumbo with potato salad and all the fixings. I also have tons of baking to do! My mom is coming to spend the night on Friday and I am looking foward to spending some time with her, it is going to be so much fun! We do have a little house, but they say love grows best in small spaces! We will be putting that to the test on Saturday. We are also going to be watching the Saints game.

I will be baking some oatmeal cookies and some chocolate chip cookies. I can't wait to see how great my house is going to be smelling!!!! So much fun!

Oh, well, that is about all that is going on right now!

Prayers & blesisngs to each of you! I told J the other day that I feel like we are each others' cheerleaders, always ready to encourage and offer support!

Christmas Decorations & Weird Moments

A waiting manger . . . waiting!!!!


Daisy hiding behind Frosty!
We had a nice weekend, but I have been nursing a bad headache and I think it is related to a sinus infection. That being said, we had J's christmas party at Jack.Daniels' Bar & Grill (if you have never been there, count yourself lucky :) Immodesty is thriving there!) Just kidding, the food was great and the company unmatched. Yet, when were were sitted at the table, it was just us and one other couple there at that point and she did not know us well, so her first question was "So, how many children do you have?" I handled it easily is saying "oh, no we don't HAVE any children right now?" No explaination, no please feel sorry for me explainations. THEN, "She looks at her husband and say "LUCKY!" Now you know that wild horses could not have stopped me from addressing that right at the moment. I think J was praying that my claws would stay down and that I would remain cool. I graciously explained at that point that we would LOVE beyond anything imaginable to have a brood of children and that we did just lose a baby in May. No tears, no ugliness, just simple honesty. They received that news graciously, I just wish people would not assume that every couple who does not have any children are doing that because of selfish motives, in fact, most are not 'choosing' that at all.

Emotionally, I have been much more stable. If someone asked me that a week ago, I would have run crying to the bathroom in shame. I think that grief being so strong for the first part of advent was necessary. I woke up in the middle of the night on Saturday morning and wrote a letter to Nicky. There was sweet release in those moments.

Enjoy the pictures!





A new ornament for Nicky. I could not find a little "n" at the craft store for some reason I think of a shining star of hope when I think of Nicky, so I made this one. I am not crafty, but I like it and I like that I made it.

!!!

Finally!!!!!!!!!

I am finally not teary and licking my wounds for the moment. It could be a combination that my husband made grilled steaks and potatoes and got chocolate chip cookies for dinner or the fact that it is finally friday night and I have a simple, fun weekend planned, or it could be that when my DH opened the statement of our investment portfolio and I told him that should cover at least one adoption (hahahahaha) and he agreed with me that brought a little bit of sunshine into my caved in heart.

Anyway, just wanted to let those of you who might be checking up on this nutty girl that I am surviving and actually smiling tonight! There is grace in the smallest things~thank God!

Happy Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe

Low

I am at an all time low.

I never knew life could be this difficult.

I never knew that suffering could reduce one so much.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth "


I went to a luncheon with my mom at her church with my two aunts today. They told a story about how how the manger was empty because Jesus can come and go from earth to heaven and so that is the same way with the ones we love. We can experience their presence here on earth at times. We sang christmas carols and just enjoyed making memories. Yet . . . . . .I completely lost it when we sang "Silent Night". I was reminded before the song that Nicky is in paradise and experiencing a time of fulfillment. As we neared the end of the first verse, I had to stop singing, my emotions were bursting open! I just felt that I was singing to my baby "sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace" It was a moment of letting go and an opportunity of renewed peace and understanding enveloped me.
My mom consoled me as tears racked my body. I don't know why grief has to be so hard, but it is necessary I suppose.

My heart is lighter and each day is filled with grace-filled moments that are leading me to knowing why I wait on Christ. I am preparing this advent and I am growing. I am trying hard to not cling, but to just wait to receive.

still moving

Last night I watched the big.gest loser where they are running the marathon. They were in pain and even though they accomplished alot, it was still hard. They desired so much to give up, but they desired to inspire others and make it to their goal more.

I feel like I am stuck right now. I am ready to give up, yet I am not ready to not be open to life and apparently I need a HUGE amount of prescriptions drugs to make me somewhat open to life.

I am losing all of my enthusiam to have a baby and I am not pushing adoption anymore. All it does is make my husband and I argue and while we have been encouraged to let go of it all, we were not ready to do that and we still are not ready to throw in the towel, but I just feel like we are fighting to not fall off of the mountain.

I have realized that we were extremely blessed to even be able to become a mother/father through the gift of one another and we should be thankful that somehow we are were/are parents to two souls. Yet, in reality that offers very little consolation.

I found myself, not caring about my crappy cycle review, I never even called the lady back after she left the message. I was somewhat hopeful at first, but I feel like I am just getting nowhere. I asked them about doing the clomid on cd4-8, instead of cd3-7 since this is how it worked the first time I was on clomid. I told them that I was concerned about the longer LP (16 days) so they decided to try the hcg on p+3,5,7 and to not do the hcg on p+9. I am still going to continue at 2500 units. I am now taking 1000 mg of metformin XR at bedtime and I am still on the vitamin b6, prenatals, and t3.

Well, today I finally got off the pitty potty and refilled the meds, picked them up, etc.

I am still completely terrified of a life without children. I am still terrified of having another ectopic pregnancy, etc. I really don't know how to get rid of the fear. I am just not doing so well in my faith and it is really draining.

I think that I used to think that God could interrupt my screwed up system anytime he desired and bless us with a baby, but now I am just thinking it is all about meds, science, charting and even that is not working. I know that God is the author of life, but I struggling to keep that trust alive.

My nagging, complaining, worrying, anxiety, fear, and anger is making my marriage miserable. I am attacking the one I love the most and I want to blame him for so many things.

There is so much inside of me that is just wanting to be rebellious. I keep thinking that right when you are wanting to give up, the answer could be right under your nose. I don't know what is going on right now, but prayers are so hard to utter for myself. I am finding that my spirit is just so wounded. I am not angry at God for not giving my desire, I am angry that he is not letting me know why we are asked to bear this cross.

This post is really all over the place. I am so thankful for all of your prayers, I could not pray for two days. I still can't listen to my christian music. I don't know why I am acting out this way, but this is how it is right now. I think alot of the down feelings had to do the the huge drop of hormones (is that a copout?) bc for two days the tears would just roll down my cheeks and I would be wiping away tears constantly. This is not normal. Before my surgeries or got my hormones better, I was used to really bad levels and I was more emotionally stable. Plus I was not really hopeful at that time and now I was thinking that if we got everything to line up, it would work again, but that didn't happen. This could go on forever or it could change in an instant.

The very best that I was able to do was to offer up my suffering, both physically and emotionally, for my prayer buddy.

The irony of my starting my period on the first day of advent has not been lost on me and I think that is what I am supposed to be learning about right now. I could have been waiting for my baby to be born, but now I am waiting and hoping for another baby one day, all the while loving the babies I know in heaven.

One more thought, I recently got a little card about the development of a baby from conception to birth and it talked about how a newly conceived life is about the size of a grain of sugar or smaller and I motivated myself to believe that my tube could allow a grain of sugar to pass through it, so I had the plan to call our little one "Sugar". One day I will have that chance. I am still trying to be hopeful. The past three days have been so hard physically with pain and cramps, it took all I had to get up and go to work. I haven't been able to sleep much. It has finally lessened and I hope to rest well tonight. I am thankful that it looks like I might have had a really great lining though.

I am not sure I ever wrote a post this scattered or long so if you all are still reading, thanks and thanks for your prayers and encouragement!