Our family changed today . . .

You know, nothing happens without it being known to God. Well, I have to keep that in mind as I look at the past week. When I thought I just could not take that extra step, say that extra prayer, or drive that extra mile, God made a way through me. I got a unsettling call from a staff member about Mitchell on Monday of last week. The information in the phone call confirmed an issue I was curious about. It was not about the previous issue that had me worried a few months ago, but this time I KNEW something was amiss and that it was time for me to do something about this. I then got a letter from him on Thursday (the whole week I struggled with anxiety of planning my path) that cemented that I was done with letting he remain at the ranch, God was moving me to be bold and remove him immediately. The letter was not kind, but it was alarming. Not what some people would think, but I could tell by his tone, mannerisms in writing, etc that something was absolutely not right. I was sick with anxiety in trying to figure out how to accomplish what God was asking me to do, I only slept two hours and then earnestly began reading documentation from the Ranch to see my options and began to move money around to make that transition happen. There was an astronomical amount of money requested if you decided to remove a boy from the program early, BUT I was not just choosing to remove him, they basically made that choice for me when they failed to provide adequate, agreed upon care for our boy. I knew that Mitchell still had issues with me (says he doesn't feel I trust him and it led him to want to live somewhere else with his Nanny) so I alerted the Aunt and made arrangement to get the money together and drive that day to go get him. It was 6:30 Friday morning and our plans were made to make this work. I made calls to our attorney and explained the situation. She strongly suggested not paying the requested amount because they could not legally hold him there because of that. She even called the Department of Family Services and confirmed that. So off we went, I still had the certified check that I got before she called and strongly encouraged me to stand my ground and remove Mitchell from the program without giving them any money. The documentation said that they would hold his records if we did not pay and could possibly hold him (just a threat) but she told me that the priority was to get him out of there and then fight the battle over the records later. We drove straight there, I had his Nanny, my Aunt, and Joseph. I did not want Joseph to be around the staff at the ranch so I asked my Aunt to ride and care for Joseph during the time I would be meeting with the staff. My aunt was a huge help and cheerleader during this time of turmoil. When we arrived at the ranch that day, I was so very nervous (blood was pounding in my neck, I was actually almost afraid of these people) but I kept praying that God did not give me a spirit of fear, but one of power to do His will. I am not going to lie, it was a battle in that conference room. God guided my words and emotions and we eventually left with Mitchell and did not give them one single dollar. I am still afraid of being sued as I type this but our attorney and my husband thinks all will be fine. I got out the door, gave an update to the attorney and hit the highway with Joseph and Mitchell happy as could be. I was still sick, no appetite, pounding headache, etc. I called his Mom and told her that he was coming home and she cried tears of joy and said "Thank you" repeatedly. I knew he was not coming home with me and this was likely the last acts I would be doing for him as his guardian. While I was relieved because it is just incredibly uncomfortable and unsettling to have to be near someone who just doesn't seem to like you a whole lot, I was really sad that he was choosing to leave our family, with his Mother's consent of course. His mom gave permission for him to stay with his Nanny and then they were going to change provisional custody paperwork for Mitchell next week. Mitchell got to come by that night and visit his brother and Jessy. Joseph stayed with Daddy-o as I ran the last of the marathon in bringing everyone else home (another 1 1/2 hour drive). So I got Mitchell to his aunt's home, unloaded, and then brought my Aunt home. I was very emotional on the way home. I felt then like I failed Mitchell. Like I failed to love him enough, failed to change his life the way God wanted me to, but in the deepest recesses of my heart I KNEW that I had done everything I could with all that I had. It was 450 miles and 12 + hours trip to save a boy. He is more important than any amount of money they could have demanded and he was worth the miles, hours, and heartache of that very long day. The next day, Joseph and I were on our own and had a very nice, fun day. Then Sunday came and Mitchell came by to get all of his things that were in his room here and in the shed. It was bittersweet, but necessary. My spiritual director reminded me to let him do it himself so he would be fully aware of what he was willing to leave behind. Then today came, amidst all the stress of a sick toddler, a possibility that Joseph was around someone with lice when they came into our home unknowingly on Sunday, complete lack of sleep (due to sick child being up ALL night), we drove our way through the rain back to the attorney's office . . . this time coming home with one less child. There are no words to describe the feelings in my heart right now. I am still reflecting how I feel. I do know, however, that he will always be my boy. The one I labored for in love in the difficult moments of deepest sorrow, difficult emotions, and heartbreak is leaving our home, not our hearts. While this is necessary, it is most definitely not easy. I will always love him, I will continue to pray for him and his future, and I will always be there to offer a smile and remind him that life is about living, loving, and knowing you are loved.