Our family changed today . . .

You know, nothing happens without it being known to God. Well, I have to keep that in mind as I look at the past week. When I thought I just could not take that extra step, say that extra prayer, or drive that extra mile, God made a way through me. I got a unsettling call from a staff member about Mitchell on Monday of last week. The information in the phone call confirmed an issue I was curious about. It was not about the previous issue that had me worried a few months ago, but this time I KNEW something was amiss and that it was time for me to do something about this. I then got a letter from him on Thursday (the whole week I struggled with anxiety of planning my path) that cemented that I was done with letting he remain at the ranch, God was moving me to be bold and remove him immediately. The letter was not kind, but it was alarming. Not what some people would think, but I could tell by his tone, mannerisms in writing, etc that something was absolutely not right. I was sick with anxiety in trying to figure out how to accomplish what God was asking me to do, I only slept two hours and then earnestly began reading documentation from the Ranch to see my options and began to move money around to make that transition happen. There was an astronomical amount of money requested if you decided to remove a boy from the program early, BUT I was not just choosing to remove him, they basically made that choice for me when they failed to provide adequate, agreed upon care for our boy. I knew that Mitchell still had issues with me (says he doesn't feel I trust him and it led him to want to live somewhere else with his Nanny) so I alerted the Aunt and made arrangement to get the money together and drive that day to go get him. It was 6:30 Friday morning and our plans were made to make this work. I made calls to our attorney and explained the situation. She strongly suggested not paying the requested amount because they could not legally hold him there because of that. She even called the Department of Family Services and confirmed that. So off we went, I still had the certified check that I got before she called and strongly encouraged me to stand my ground and remove Mitchell from the program without giving them any money. The documentation said that they would hold his records if we did not pay and could possibly hold him (just a threat) but she told me that the priority was to get him out of there and then fight the battle over the records later. We drove straight there, I had his Nanny, my Aunt, and Joseph. I did not want Joseph to be around the staff at the ranch so I asked my Aunt to ride and care for Joseph during the time I would be meeting with the staff. My aunt was a huge help and cheerleader during this time of turmoil. When we arrived at the ranch that day, I was so very nervous (blood was pounding in my neck, I was actually almost afraid of these people) but I kept praying that God did not give me a spirit of fear, but one of power to do His will. I am not going to lie, it was a battle in that conference room. God guided my words and emotions and we eventually left with Mitchell and did not give them one single dollar. I am still afraid of being sued as I type this but our attorney and my husband thinks all will be fine. I got out the door, gave an update to the attorney and hit the highway with Joseph and Mitchell happy as could be. I was still sick, no appetite, pounding headache, etc. I called his Mom and told her that he was coming home and she cried tears of joy and said "Thank you" repeatedly. I knew he was not coming home with me and this was likely the last acts I would be doing for him as his guardian. While I was relieved because it is just incredibly uncomfortable and unsettling to have to be near someone who just doesn't seem to like you a whole lot, I was really sad that he was choosing to leave our family, with his Mother's consent of course. His mom gave permission for him to stay with his Nanny and then they were going to change provisional custody paperwork for Mitchell next week. Mitchell got to come by that night and visit his brother and Jessy. Joseph stayed with Daddy-o as I ran the last of the marathon in bringing everyone else home (another 1 1/2 hour drive). So I got Mitchell to his aunt's home, unloaded, and then brought my Aunt home. I was very emotional on the way home. I felt then like I failed Mitchell. Like I failed to love him enough, failed to change his life the way God wanted me to, but in the deepest recesses of my heart I KNEW that I had done everything I could with all that I had. It was 450 miles and 12 + hours trip to save a boy. He is more important than any amount of money they could have demanded and he was worth the miles, hours, and heartache of that very long day. The next day, Joseph and I were on our own and had a very nice, fun day. Then Sunday came and Mitchell came by to get all of his things that were in his room here and in the shed. It was bittersweet, but necessary. My spiritual director reminded me to let him do it himself so he would be fully aware of what he was willing to leave behind. Then today came, amidst all the stress of a sick toddler, a possibility that Joseph was around someone with lice when they came into our home unknowingly on Sunday, complete lack of sleep (due to sick child being up ALL night), we drove our way through the rain back to the attorney's office . . . this time coming home with one less child. There are no words to describe the feelings in my heart right now. I am still reflecting how I feel. I do know, however, that he will always be my boy. The one I labored for in love in the difficult moments of deepest sorrow, difficult emotions, and heartbreak is leaving our home, not our hearts. While this is necessary, it is most definitely not easy. I will always love him, I will continue to pray for him and his future, and I will always be there to offer a smile and remind him that life is about living, loving, and knowing you are loved.

Momma Mary

I refer to our Blessed Virgin Mary as Momma Mary. Joseph knows Jesus, Mary, and Joseph but he often tells "no more payers Momma!" I wish I could say this kid loves to pray, but right now he sometimes would rather go read his story or play with a toy than pray, so I don't make a big deal about, but I do finish my prayers out loud.
Today, however, he was happy to say his prayers. He knelt by Matthew and prayed the Hail Mary with me. As we were leaving he said "I said my payers to Momma Mary." It was that knowing, that familiar relationship tone in which he said it that made my heart soar straight to the heavens!

Nothing, nothing makes me proudest than than knowing seeds are being planted and no matter what comes (or goes) in this life, he will know our Jesus, Momma Mary, God, and St. Joseph!

Special delivery

To Granny.

We made a fruit basket during playtime yesterday. We found these fun dry-erase color pencils recently and they are less messy that keeps for 2 year old hands and they are worth their weight in gold. He has so much fun with them.
We talked about our fruit and then pretended we could send it to someone and we decided Granny would like it. So this was his special delivery, super sweet!

60 seconds

60 seconds is enough time for this crazy Momma to capture way too many pictures of her cutie!

We picked up Matthew from school early for a doctor appointment and while we waited we hung out outside on the benches. Joseph was thrilled. He loves to go to the big school to get Matthew.
As I wilt under the discernment process of what I am called to choose for Joseph's education, I was rather sad seeing him like 'school' so much and look so natural there, but really he is so cute!!!
These pictures are strictly for my memories ;))





















Thankfully, we have a whole 2 more years before he would even be old enough for this school! Even as I write those words I am fully aware of how fast those two years will go! So I will continue to discern if God's will is homeschool, private school, or public school. My heart keeps saying homeschool despite my abundant fears and and my logical, scared self says private school (hubs leaning toward this one). And our financially poor selves scream the local public school.
I never thought of homeschooling prior to having Joseph but it really always felt like a God-prompting leading but I have all kinds of fears. The fears of not making income, not being able to teach right, Joseph not liking my teaching style (not able to learn), and Joseph not getting enough socialization. These and a million other reasons are basically bringing me to almost tears because no one seems to understand the promptings in my heart despite all these newly surfacing fears.

So tonight I am thankful he is still my little boy who is nowhere near old enough yet to need us to decide on schooling needs!

Mommy's Eyes

After lunch yesterday, Joseph crawled on my lap and started talking, playing, and getting excited. As we sat there together, alone at the table in the suddenly quiet house he discovered something new. He said "mommy's eyes Joseph". I did not know his meaning, so he repeated it this way "Joseph mommy's eyes" as he continues to stare straight into my eyes. I asked him "do you see Joseph in mommy's eyes?" His whole face brightens up and he grins from ear to ear saying "YES!! YES!!"
Right there, my heart melted.

Cousins

Oh my goodness! Being together is fun and wild.
I would rather say nuts, but that sounds too simple to describe the two hooligans together!
These are a few shots we captured after Gauge spent the day with us last weekend.


















Watching the bunnies eat!


Gauge will be 5 in a month. Joseph is two, going on 3 in December yet they are so close in size!

Daddy-O

A few weeks ago I called out to Jessy a request for help with something for Joseph. I called out to him "Daddy-O". I said this before from time to time, it just is a term of endearment. In fact, when I was pregnant with Joseph, I was emailing a priest who was a great encourager and support to us, Fr. Whitney, and he would send blessings to us and he started to call Jessy "daddy-o". Well, now Joseph only calls his Daddy "daddy-o". He says it at least 200 times a day and each time it is said with so much love, admiration, and joy! Sometimes I just amazed and grateful for how blessed Joseph is. I love to see him and his Daddy-O together, I love that they know each other, spend time together, learn together, and have adventures together. Being a girl who did not ever get to call a man Daddy, there are emotions that well up in me in knowing he is fortunate. It is the little things that really transform my heart to knowing the riches of my life are not found in things, but in the love that is surrounding me and my family.
P.s. Joseph has started to ask to ride in his DaddyO's big red truck and when we get home he asks to drive the big red truck. Here is a picture I captured - he was overjoyed!




One more

Climbing steps

We found a fun park recently that is clean, shaded, and fun.
It is the little things that entertain Joseph. Like climbing the steps:



He started out looking at the big steps and got ready to do sitting moves ;) I told him how he could do it with his feet and he was so proud! We don't have big steps like this at home so he was very happy!


Learning to trust himself!!


"I did it, more!!"


The days are passing and even though I wish I could freeze time right now, I am so grateful to have this time with him. Time to not rush, time to explore. Time to love, time to grow. Time to nurture, tine to learn. Time to see, time to hear. Time to feel, time to give. Time to know my blessings, time to share our blessings.
These really are beautiful moments that make up my everyday. Even the hard days are a gift. Only God could have taught me that incredible lesson!

Random moments of my day

I have literally been homebound for the last 3 days unless Jessy drives me somewhere because I haven't been feeling well and the meds I take are not suggesting driving. So Joseph and I hang out at home and while the days have been good, I am running out of fun things to do.
Thank goodness he is such a great little boy with a fun imagination.
Here are the highlights of my wonderful day:
1- started the day with a request to watch George sleep in a igloo. This child's vocabulary amazes me.
2- moving around and his first request for food is a pop-pop. This is not a normal morning request so I laugh and tell him that once he eats breakfast he can have a pop-poo. He is not much morning eater but today he are 3 small bowls of Cheerios and then asked for an orange pop-pop. He got one and for the first time ever, ate it all.
3- we do a lot of water painting so that was his next request (boy he had his own agenda today) and while we painted I put on a bandana and he got the giggles!! So fun! After taking turns wearing the hat I made it into a blindfold and as I out it in myself just being silly he told me "momma, you a pirate!" He tried it and more giggles :))
4- did the regular playing of blocks, trucks, and trains. Then he watched George for half an hour while I cooked supper. Once supper was cooked, we ate lunch and then he asked to play play-dough. While playing we make snakes, pickles, and tasers (tape measures). Random --- yes!!! All Joseph - of course! By the way "of course" is his new phrase. In addition to "I guess."
5- it is the end of the day, time to make rice and beans while waiting for Daddy-o! When daddy walks in Joseph proudly exclaims " I cooking rice daddy-O!" This us while I am sweeping the scattered rice off the floor!
6- oops -almost forgot this gem! Before cooking rice Joseph told me that "he needed to hold Mary and Jesus!" In the moment of exhaustion - I let him hold his favorite miniature statues of Mother Mary and St.Joseph (holding Jesus). He plays in the big bed with them while I sit down with him. He soon discovers his plastic cement truck and has both of their heads in the window and their bodies handing out, later this is whAt found:



I was following close behind to make sure he did not try to flush them!!
7- the last moments of the day is the beauty of what we found that he tucked in under his daddy's blanket and on his daddy's pillow. He put his "squeaky" (Sophie) in his daddy's pillow for him. I know that this was a gesture of love because earlier in the day Daisy was crying and I told her "it is going to be ok" and he ran to where she was and gave her his "squeaky". After doing so, he ran back to me and told me "I give Daisy squeaky". He was so proud to help.




Oh, how I live this boy and all of who he is. I pray I nurture the God in him to always live to serve and love others!

Boudin

Tonight we told Joseph we were going to ride to go get 'some boudin for supper.'

He excitedly responds with "ooh we going get some booty"!! Ha!!!!
We kept correcting the sound but we were cracking up inside! That isn't a phrase we need repeated, especially in church!
I can just see it now everyone is quiet and Joseph proclaims to whoever he wishes "we had booty last night!"
Everything about that is just insanely wrong ;/. Funny, but just not right!

Joseph's backpack

I was gathering our things to go visit friends yesterday when Joseph saw that I had his new Curious George backpack. He requested "I wear it Momma".
I put it on him and here are the quick phone photos I captured.









Thank goodness we are not worried about school for a few more years.

Tummy hurts

This morning Joseph just woke up screaming crying. I was trying to console him but he was still asleep as he was fighting me. His cries were so sad and filled with fear. My heart was breaking, I couldn't get him to wake up. Jessy walks on the room asking me what is going on and I tell him I don't know. It all started at 5 am and Joseph typically sleeps past 8 am. Jessy's deep voice really helped he wake up and settle back down with me. He snuggled tight to me and began to doze off again. I laid beside him on the bed and the screaming hurting cries came back with a vengeance. It was so sad and difficult not know what to help with - how to help. I felt his tummy was tight so I gave him a bit of gas medicine. After awhile he started to tell me his "tummy hurts" and "tomachache". It was in his most pitiful voice and happened right before the bigs tears came along with losing all of yesterday's meals all over the two of is and the blanket. Thank goodness Jessy was still home. We got all cleaned up and currently watching curious George. I hope we are on our way to a better day.

My crazy lady post ;)

Nearly everyone that has read my thoughts over the years has learned that I believe in signs and the gift of the presence of the dragonfly. In a very strong way, I believe that they are reminders of my dear little Nicky who has since gone on to Heaven. The experience of losing my second child in 2009 nearly did me in. Physically and spiritually. I still miss him (for some reason I always thought of him as a boy and even now I still wish to have know if I had a daughter or a son during that glorious time of carrying them). All of those longing feelings still surface a bit when I am sitting outside, enjoying the day with Joseph, and a dragonfly stops by for a visit. My little (sometimes huge) dragonfly friends always stay for a good while. They just sit and stay . . . even with a wild tornado of a two year old talking to them. Yesterday, a beautiful dragonfly landed on Joseph's bike and the two of us were mesmerized. I usually have my conversations with the dragonfly (see, really a crazy lady here) in silence. I almost always use the reminder of the dragonfly's presence as a reminder to send a message to heaven for our sweet two there, Sam and Nicky. Well, this time, I shared with Joseph about his two older siblings (not that he understood a single thing coming out of my mouth) but he told the dragonfly "Hi and tell Nicky I wuv you." Then, he added in "Sam, too." In those moments there was a reverence and a hope that they heard that small greeting from their little brother. I can only imagine the angels in heaven smiling and Jesus being pleased. On a much lighter note, the other day a very, very large blue dragonfly was flying circles are Jessy and I as we were leaving the porch. This dragonfly has been around awhile and was determined for us to acknowledge him. He was so insistent that he flew right into Jessy's left eye ;) See, I tell you funny stuff, right there.

The library visit ........

that was actually successful.

On one of my very LONG days last week, we decided to go to our neighborhood library. Every other time I have taken Joseph there, it was like letting a lion of of his cage. Lots of stimulation and his ears are not always listening. Yet, this day was different and it really changed to tone of our day and helped lift our spirits. It was the kind of day of fighting sleep and I did not want to drive far because he would have fallen asleep in the carseat.
While I was returning some books, Joseph went straight to the computer to play with the toddler games ;). We then read books together at a small table.
I have to admit, my visions of motherhood included regular story time, lots of library visits, etc. Nit successful in those things so far but the last visit makes have reason for hope. I hope he shares my love fur good books.
Here are a few of the quick shots I captured. I love being this little boys Mommy.

Puzzles

My mom gets the best Kohls coupons and she is so kind to pass them onto to us to buy things for Joseph. The recent therapy session (oops, meant shopping trip) was very fruitful. We found some fantastic Melissa & Doug puzzles which he loves. Granny was very happy to see him enjoying his new puzzles, especially since she is a big fan of puzzles too.
Here are a few pictures I captured of he having fun fitting the pieces together.
















He is so proud!!!