Wild House and CD 1

The cats have gone wild. I swear taking care of two cats is more draining than taking care of two active adhd boys! I have done the later, but this cat business is making me crazy. I guess it is just something else to complain about. I am not completely sure we have made the right choice, but we are sticking to our guns and we will make this work, gosh darn it. I know how humans think and react, I don't know anything about a 12 pound adult cat attacking a 1 pound kitten. Just when I think we are making great progress, it backfires. Yes, the cats can coexist, it is just that the kitten has so much energy it wears Daisy out. Baylie wants to play and Daisy does too, but Daisy is just so rough. We keep thinking that when the kitten has enough, she will walk away. Baylie is always the aggressor, always! She jumps right onto Daisy. Baylie still has her claws and Daisy does not, so when she has enough, she bites and that is when J or I get involved. I thought that by the time I would return to work, they would be well-adjusted. I don't know what will happen. When is enough, just enough? I have some cat cubes and now they are fighting over them. We try to give Daisy her down time, but this may not always be possible when we are away at work. It seriously sounds like I have horses in my house. They run from one end of the house to the other. Neither one of the gives up, maybe they are mostly playing. I have no clue. Any cat experts out there. Is this what I am reduced to, talking about cats on my blog about IF. I was chatting with my fertile friend the other day and I said, I guess since I can't have kids, I have cats. She said "I love cat ladies." Give me a break. I know she made that statement without the intention to hurt my feelings, but it still did hurt.
It is cd 1, or at least I hope so. Just VL today. I was sad . . . it has been three whole months since my last period before I lost the baby. I get angry when people tell me that the baby was only just a mass of cells or that they are not quite so sad about the baby bc they are just thankful I am alive. It sucks to be the one to survive sometimes. I know this sounds like enough to commit me to a mental hospital, but it is true. I think that I am really the only one going to mourn the loss of the this child in this intimate way because I was the only one who really felt and sensed this child growing in me. Yes, J will mourn, but his grief is different from my own. Today was just a turning of the page and it made me sad. Even though this is necessary and I was looking foward to a new cycle, an emotional surge surfaced. I did not break down crying, like I have done in the past, I just allowed myself to crawl back in bed and grab my book.
With all of this time off, you would think I would be more productive, but I feel so much less productive. I am back to planning the meals and cooking. This is making J very happy. On Monday, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing our shower and on tuesday morning, I was so sore I could barely crawl out of bed. How truly pathetic is that. I need to vacuum but will wait until later when the cats are calmer.

I was watching tv this morning, big suprise, and the birth control commercial for y.az comes on. Now what woman in her right mind will take some pill that the FDA mandated them to make a new commercial to inform people what the side effects are for takng the meds and remind people what it is truly intended for . . . pregnancy prevention, not to clear up acne or anything else. JUST PREGNANCY PREVENTION!!! Then there is the other commercial that says you can take this pill and have only 4 periods a year. Oh, yeah . . . that is normal and good for your body! WTH? Pregnancy prevention is not in my vocabulary. I just get so sad that people throw away their fertility for convience. Do they know how much I would desire to have FERTILITY! Yet these are the same people who will get prenant on the pill or after stopping it for a month or two. IF smells like rotten eggas and so does losing a much desired for pregnancy. I want so bad to move from the place, but I feel really stuck. I am telling you my moods change like the tide.