Jesus

I was able to go to Holy Mass today and it was wonderful. I was able to go to the church where J and I got married and it was like going home. I was able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist and my heart was so full. Well, it is still full! I made the special trip because (the church is about 40 minutes away from my house) I always seem to go there after a crisis and my hope is always nurtured there. Remembering the day we wed and being so filled with hope, wonder, dreams, confidence that our love for one another and for God would get us through anything this life could fling our way. We had no idea that our life would be filled with so much suffering, but we did know that no matter what our tomorrows brought us, we would be accompanied by one another and God. We were fortunate to have three priests celebrate our marriage with us. And the photographer got some amazing photos of all five of us as J and I proclaimed our vows to one another. I have a large photograph of this in our bedroom and it is a daily reminder that the Holy Trinity is with us always. The priest this morning spoke of how the Trinity ministers to us all in different ways in just the way we are needing it at the moment. I absolutely loved watching the joy of seeing the way the priest was enjoying his role in ministering to us. I fell in love with my faith all over again today. When we sang the Great Amen, my heart soared. When we sang the "Alleluia" my heart overflowed with peace and hope.
My prayer time before mass began was one of surrender. It was not filled with bitterness. It was not demanding. It was not sorrowful, it was just honest. A honest surrender of my will. My will to control the outcome of my life, the will to control how my family will grow, my will to always trying to be one step ahead so that I won't be suprised when crisis comes my way. Surrendering my will to trust that God knows what is best for me and that it is not negotioable. If He sees for me to one day be blessed with another pregnancy, I will just have to trust Him to do what is best each day of that pregnancy. I will just have to surrender that the months ahead I may not like having to work at ttc again when I should still be growing a little baby inside of my belly. No, I have no idea what my tomorrows will be like, but I do know that I have an amazing husband who will be with me on that journey. I do know that I have a trustworthy Abba, Father to count on to bring me joy no matter what tempory suffering I may be enduring.
Over the course of the weekend, I had a few revelations. I realized that while losing a child to miscarriage or even a traumatic ectopic pregnancy is hard, I can find comfort that our children are with God, that I will get to meet them one day. I can take comfort in the faith that I was blessed with that my children are being cared for and will never have to deal with suffering here on earth. Yes, these moments of comfort come and go, but overall they are stable. It is the infertility that really wears down my spirit. In infertility, there is very little to comfort yourself with when you are experiencing month after month of giving your all to growing your family and your actions are not fruitful. This morning I woke up dreaming about me trying to comfort a crying newborn baby boy. I was the one who was going to bring him comfort. I was consoling him, his cries were quieting . . .then I woke up. I was so brokenhearted in that moment. I can't even describe it. Yet, I picked my self up, got dressed, put on some make-up and made it to mass! Thank God that I made it to mass, I was blessed with a new perspective.
I want to tell you all that I remembered you all in my prayers before Mass. I know that God will be blessing us all in so many ways! God's blessings to you all, today and always!