Manna In The Desert

I have been so tremendously blessed lately! I have been journaling quite a bit about all of it and am finding that I doing okay.
On monday, one of my close friends that moved away a few years ago, made a trip to my house with her family for a visit. Her kiddos bring joy to J and I every time we see them and their youngest son is our godchild so it was healing just to visit them. Yet, the funny thing is that my friend was on a mission to vacuum my floors and sweep my floor in the kitchen bc I told her last week that this was driving me crazy. I specifically asked the doctor if I could do these tasks and he said no to vacuuming. No pushing, pulling, or lifting. J had already vacuumed before she came, but she did it all over again. She even organized little areas of my house that I have had to just let go of these days. It is little things that I could not do yet, but she generously did it while I hung out with sweet Emma, Mal, and G. J visited with her husband and overall we were so thankful for their visit and friendship. We were going to buy them pizza, but when we went to go pick it up, they paid for the pizza too. She said this is the least we can do, they are not even paying you right now.
By the way, this is the same day, we got our new awning for our front porch and to add a covered parking space for me and it turned out fabulous. I was not looking foward to this, but I love it and have been spending lots of time outside. Here is LA it is hot right now, but my front porch is nice and breezy all day long.
Next, on tuesday, I got an unexpected call from PPVI. I had called to let them know they overcharged me for a cycle review and I had to speak to a nurse to have the charge removed, but when she called me back, she took the time to minister to me in a most compassionate way. I asked about some very strange cm stuff that I have been seeing and she listened but really did not understand why I was experiencing that. She then went on to tell me that she and the other nurses at PPVI were very sad to hear of our loss and that they are praying for us. She went on to ask me really thoughtful questions about the experience I had on the day I got so sick and she compassionately listened and offered insight and understanding. I did not receive any of this at the hospital or even my doctor's office (except from my dr, somewhat) so I felt like this was manna in the desert. She went on to tell me that while this is a very difficult and sad time and that it seems very unfair that we were unable to meet our little baby or hold them in our arms, we can find comfort in the fact that our baby is able to look upon the face of God everyday. I felt so comforted at that moment that the tears just fell silently down my cheeks. I shared with her something I told my friend the day earlier. I told my friend that "No matter what, all of the surgeries, all of the charting, all of the medicines, all of the blood work was worth it because we were able to co-create with God and help bring one more soul to heaven." I am meaning it, too. What a privelege to help bring one more soul to heaven. If nothing else, everything up until that point had been worth it.
The dear nurse that I was talking about, then reassured me that they are all praying for us and told me ways to prepare for my phone consult with Dr. Hilgers that will be coming up in the next cycle or so.
Then to top off my wonderful week, my very best friend came by to visit today and we just visited for over 5 hours. I am so thankful for my friends. My friend, Michelle, and I have been friends for 11 years and we can still just laugh almost the entire time we visit. When she would come visit J and I in the hospital, she would have us laughing so hard, my sides would hurt.
The best part of this week is that we are going on a little getaway this weekend at this amazing little resort and it was totally unexpected, but decided to spurlge and enjoy this time right now. I can't wait to get there. We are leaving tomorrow and will come home on Sunday afternoon. Yah! I am thinking of calling them in the morning to tell the we are celebrating our 9th anniversary, and see if they can spice up our room. We can practice some of the aspects of SPICE ;)
On a final note, I am realizing that while I am navigating my way through all of this suffering and grief, I am being given manna in the desert every single day. God is sending me comfort. Either with a card, a phone call, a visit, an email, or even someone vacuuming my floor. I am blessed with a phenomenal husband who loves me unconditionally. I am blessed to have the freedom to just recover. That is my only thing that is really on my to do list lately. While I am charting to prepare for my call with Dr. Hilgers, I am not even having to try to conceive right now or worry about my infertility. I have no idea if I will be given the chance to be fertile again, although I am hoping I will be. I am still not sure what the future holds for me and J, but I know that God does and He will be with me each step of the way.

The good news is that I am healing physically too (at least on the outside). The bad news is that I am worried if my body on the inside will really recover. I still get sharp pains on my left side and while I am seeing healing on the outside, how can I truly trust that the insides are healing well, too? Once again, there is some good news in all of this and that is that God does his best work in secret and in darkness, so I will wait for the light!