Emotional Days

I was so angry last night that it took me a long time to go to sleep. I was angry for two reasons. First off, I called my doctor to get some idea why I was having gummy mucus for the past 10 days. I wanted to go in to get him to rule out any inflammation to my cervix since this is about the only culprit I could learn about that might cause this weird cm pattern. I called his office around 10:30 yesterday morning and he called me back at 6:00 pm to ask me what the color of the cm was and if I am feeling feverish. I was thinking that the color was clear, but upon closer review of it last night, it has some white in it. I told him that I have not been feeling feverish, so he basically told me that he doesn't think that it is anything to be worried about and it should be fine. I don't want "should be fine". I want to be well. It would be one thing if he has always been right, but he hasn't and I really feel distrustful right now. So DH was home when he called me back and heard the conversation and thinks I am worrying myself needlessly. Well, that just made me P****D off. I clearly told him that maybe the re son I kept enduring pain with the ectopic pregnancy is bc when I would express my concerns about my pain, they were dismissed and cast off as me just worrying myself for nothing. I am still really angry and sad today. I cried last night again and I have been coming so far. I got two phone calls that really uplifted my spirits yesterday and I told both of these friends (one was my Spiritual Director) that I was really doing well and I believed it at the time, but just a few short hours later, the dam broke and I was wondering if I am just going to have to fight for good medical care my whole life. I live in a crummy part of the country where nearly everyone who is sick, feels like they can't trust their doctors. Most travel to Houston to get good medical care. I tried that route and all they wanted to do for me was ART. No thanks.
My belly still hurts on the inside and it is mainly worse in the evenings and during the night when I get out of bed to go to the bathroom. I take a Tylenol every night bc my legs hurt. The leg thing was a problem before my surgery in Omaha and it got better each month after my surgery. I feel like my reproductive organs are like a walking time bomb. There is only so much I can do and only so much I am willing to do and so much that needs optimal care and attention from a knowledgeable doctor. My phone consult with Dr. H is over a month away. I also told my local doctor that I had been having bouts of cramping like a period was coming for over a week and the new cycle has not started. I am still having trouble wearing my regular clothes bc my belly still feels swollen and wearing anything other than nightgowns, dresses, or very loose clothing makes my belly hurt worse at the end of the day. I feel really pathetic. The two highlights of my life right at this moment is that our new kitty is so loving and is getting along somewhat with our older cat Daisy. We are keeping Baylie! The other highlight is that we are going out to eat with some friends tonight and I don't have to cook or clean any dishes.
I really don't know what to do about the local doctor situation. I really like him as a person, but I just don't feel like he is the right person to care for me anymore. I want to trust him and believe that nothing is wrong with me, but what if there is and it is ignored. He is our only pro-life doctor in this area and I see him all over town and he is always kind, but maybe I need someone more aggressive in monitoring my health care. I want to tell him this bc I want him to be that kind of doctor for me, but what if that is not possible? He is used to caring for women who have healthy pregnancies. He is used to doing all of the regular care for healthy women. I am not a healthy woman and it is becoming clearer to me every minute of every day. This morning, I looked at all of the ob/gyns in my area and one stood out, but it was not the one I had heard suggestions to go to in the event I switch ob/gyns. I really want to find a pro-life doctor, but if I switch, that won't be possible (at least locally). I was discerning this earlier and wondering if I could trust a doctor who is promoting a culture of death, rather than life? Even if he/she is on top of things for my medical care, should I avoid a doctor bc he gives out the pill?
As I am typing this I am in my recliner with my laptop on my knee and Baylie is laying across my chest with her back two paws on the keyboard and Daisy is laying at my feet. They have been chasing each other from one end of the house to the other, so they need a catnap.
By the way, DH is angry at God right now bc of our recent trauma and he is not praying (to my knowledge at least and this just adds to my anger!) so any prayers on his behalf will be greatly appreciated.
I asked him last night if he still wanted to have babies (naturally, of course, since this is almost the only way he sees to having them) and he said "yes, that is a silly question!" I told him, maybe sometime in 2010, I may want to try again and he was unhappy with this, but heck, my body is still in survival mode and I am not ready and he is nipping at my tail. These feelings come and go on my part and the fact that I was so temperamental with him yesterday, makes me believe that a new cycle may be on its way, but I think that is wishful thinking these days.