Simple Question, never a simple answer!

Over the course of the weekend, I was surrounded - literally - by little kids and some a little older. The weekend did not turn out to give us the alone time we were anticipating, but J tried to make up for that a little by stopping at a State Park on our way home to bring me to see flower gardens and just walk with me alone. One of the reasons we planned this trip last minute was bc I did not want to go or to spend any extra money. We did go to try to make it a fun trip for me too, my husband had already planned to fish a tournament during the day, which left me to read, sit by the pool, sleep late, etc until around two in the afternoon when he would return. We had some fun together, but in the evenings his family (aunt, uncle, cousins)invited us over to eat and visit. There were four young boys and just about some of the coolest, easy going kids you could find on the planet. I had fun getting to know them, I don't ever see this side of the family, so it was a reunion of sorts. The kids see J a bit more than they see me, but I found out that my husband is a favorite of theirs. Big suprise! I chatted and played with the kids during most of the visits and enjoyed this, but one evening, J and I snuck outside to go sit by the water alone away from the noise and then it happened. One by one, those little boys found us and stayed with us. I thought to myself "Why is it that anywhere we go or whoever we are around, the children seem to magnatize themselves to us?" Don't get me wrong, we loved and adored every minute with them. From playing baseball with a two year old who can hit the ball with great force and who begs for one more pitch, to talking about school work, teachers, and family (or lack thereof) with one of the older boys. Yes, it did feel like a knife going straight through my heart to see J have so much fun pitching and chasing balls for Harrison. I want him to be able to do those things with our own son. While I am talking with the oldest boy and J is playing with the youngest. The oldest one, Cody, decides to ask me if we have any of our own children. While in anyone normal person's mind this is a simple question, it still suprises me every time and my pulse rate quickens. I casually say no, then he begins to ask "Do yall ever want to have any kids?" I say, "Of course, we are hoping that they will come one day." He gets very quiet and very serious, and after a minute or so, he gets the sweetest, silliest grin on his face. I am quite suprised at what comes out next. He tells me "yeah, but kids are a lot of trouble." Like he is sharing some huge secret to warn me and help me to understand that we have not thought this through. Immediatley, I laugh out loud and then he does too. J turns around to find out what we are laughing about and I share with him, in front of Cody, the conversation we just shared. My sweet husband immediately tells Cody "NAH, kids are not trouble!" I fell in love with my husband all over again. We continued to play and chat for another hour or so until dinner was done. Yet, here is the significane of the whole story. When Cody asked me about having children and tells me they are just trouble, this means that this is what he is told everyday by someone he lives with. His mother is an addict who has been blessed with three beautiful, loving kids and she has abandoned all of them. Her mother and stepfather are raising her two boys, both of which have some delays. The youngest one is diagnosed with dwarfism and adhd, so he is so terribly small for his age, but smart. The oldest one is the one I had the pleasure of talking with about children. His mom, also gave birth to a little girl and she is being taken care of by her dad (not his father) and so he hardly knows his own sister. I have watched many grandparents raise grandchildren and sometimes it works, but how much burden is placed on their small shoulders in just knowing that this is not the way it is supposed to be. For his whole life, this child and his siblings have been handed a load of garbage when they are told they are a burden, trouble. I now love those boys so much because I know that while there needs (physical) are being met, will they ever know the real warmth of a parent's unendng, unconditonal love. On a completely different wavelength, how does one who has loved two children she never got to met, but knows are with God say to anyone who wants to know if you have any children say the truth? It is so much easier to say no, we are still waiting for the blessing. The truth is I am a mother without a child to parent, to care for, to hold their hand, to assure of my unconditonal love, to pray with at night. I want to tell the world about our two miracles in heaven, but some people are not prepared to understand that even though our children never knew the warmth of our arms, they know our God in heaven. No matter what, whether our children lived for one moment in the womb, I believe that God allowed them to know that their mother and father loved them more than they loved anything else in this whole world. I am still grateful for knowing that I was pregnant before I knew Nicky was growing in the wrong place inside of me. I am so grateful that I talked with Nicky, that I sang and prayed over our little one. Nothing can take away those wonderful times. Our first one was such a short pregancy, I did not even know I was pregnant but a brief moment, when I realized I was miscarrying. I never had the chance to sing to our first baby, but I did pray.
I just finished reading "My Sister's Keeper" and a line stuck out to me. It goes like this "there is no word in the english language for someone who loses a child. There is widow and orphan, but nothing for someone like me who loses a child." Then another quote "I don't know why they refer to it as losing a child, no parent is so careless to lose their child. The problem is we know where our child is, but we would do anything for them not to be there."
Oh well, I am now driving again and I need to head to the grocery store. We need the essentials. I will head out just as soon as I put tonight's supper in the crock pot!