Getting out of the house

Baylie says going to the vet is hard work!

Today I managed to get out of the house to bring Baylie to the vet and it went very well. She is such a laid back kitty, that the vet fell in love with her right away. She weighs a whopping 2 lbs. and is about 8 weeks old. I would venture to say that she has gained a whole pound in the last week because she eats and drinks all the time. I am so grateful she uses her litterbox well.
She was calm the whole way to the vet and back, which is great considering it takes 30 min. to get there one way. While we were out, I brought her to see J as I dropped off a big sonic route 44 drink to him as a surprise. I love to do this for him. It just seems to make his day go better!
Once we got home, Baylie made herself at home again and then Daisy was sure to check her out, I believe she missed her. They even cuddled together this afternoon for a nap. I know that this was only possible because Baylie is worn out and has less energy for chasing Daisy around. I do believe all of you were right, my vet agreed, that the cats are just doing what they are meant to do and will keep playing and sometimes be rough. The vet doesn't think Daisy will hurt Bailey, so I will try to relax. Thanks for all our your suggestions and comments. I have never had two cats at the same time, so this is a learning experience for me.
By the way, I think that I was premature in thinking that yesterday was cd1. I only had one real time of evidence for that and then still nothing. I read somewhere that it may take around six weeks for a normal cycle to return and this Saturday is six weeks since my surgery. I am not cramping at all, but I am having right hip pain which I almost always get with a new cycle. I will just wait with the patience of Job. Yah, right. I am amazed at Job's faith and I would have failed God's expectations a million times over already.
It was great getting out of the house today. It is the actual getting out of the door that is so hard. I am becoming reclusive, I think.
Another thing weighing on my mind is coming up with questions for my call with Dr. H. next month. I have a few, but I keep wondering if they are crazy questions.
Today has not been to sad for me and I am thankful. I am learning that there is nothing that I truly control, but God still loves me. This sounds simple, but it is something that I am having to learn at different levels all the time. God did not bring me this far to throw me over a cliff. He is in control and he is qualified for the job, I am not.

Wild House and CD 1

The cats have gone wild. I swear taking care of two cats is more draining than taking care of two active adhd boys! I have done the later, but this cat business is making me crazy. I guess it is just something else to complain about. I am not completely sure we have made the right choice, but we are sticking to our guns and we will make this work, gosh darn it. I know how humans think and react, I don't know anything about a 12 pound adult cat attacking a 1 pound kitten. Just when I think we are making great progress, it backfires. Yes, the cats can coexist, it is just that the kitten has so much energy it wears Daisy out. Baylie wants to play and Daisy does too, but Daisy is just so rough. We keep thinking that when the kitten has enough, she will walk away. Baylie is always the aggressor, always! She jumps right onto Daisy. Baylie still has her claws and Daisy does not, so when she has enough, she bites and that is when J or I get involved. I thought that by the time I would return to work, they would be well-adjusted. I don't know what will happen. When is enough, just enough? I have some cat cubes and now they are fighting over them. We try to give Daisy her down time, but this may not always be possible when we are away at work. It seriously sounds like I have horses in my house. They run from one end of the house to the other. Neither one of the gives up, maybe they are mostly playing. I have no clue. Any cat experts out there. Is this what I am reduced to, talking about cats on my blog about IF. I was chatting with my fertile friend the other day and I said, I guess since I can't have kids, I have cats. She said "I love cat ladies." Give me a break. I know she made that statement without the intention to hurt my feelings, but it still did hurt.
It is cd 1, or at least I hope so. Just VL today. I was sad . . . it has been three whole months since my last period before I lost the baby. I get angry when people tell me that the baby was only just a mass of cells or that they are not quite so sad about the baby bc they are just thankful I am alive. It sucks to be the one to survive sometimes. I know this sounds like enough to commit me to a mental hospital, but it is true. I think that I am really the only one going to mourn the loss of the this child in this intimate way because I was the only one who really felt and sensed this child growing in me. Yes, J will mourn, but his grief is different from my own. Today was just a turning of the page and it made me sad. Even though this is necessary and I was looking foward to a new cycle, an emotional surge surfaced. I did not break down crying, like I have done in the past, I just allowed myself to crawl back in bed and grab my book.
With all of this time off, you would think I would be more productive, but I feel so much less productive. I am back to planning the meals and cooking. This is making J very happy. On Monday, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing our shower and on tuesday morning, I was so sore I could barely crawl out of bed. How truly pathetic is that. I need to vacuum but will wait until later when the cats are calmer.

I was watching tv this morning, big suprise, and the birth control commercial for y.az comes on. Now what woman in her right mind will take some pill that the FDA mandated them to make a new commercial to inform people what the side effects are for takng the meds and remind people what it is truly intended for . . . pregnancy prevention, not to clear up acne or anything else. JUST PREGNANCY PREVENTION!!! Then there is the other commercial that says you can take this pill and have only 4 periods a year. Oh, yeah . . . that is normal and good for your body! WTH? Pregnancy prevention is not in my vocabulary. I just get so sad that people throw away their fertility for convience. Do they know how much I would desire to have FERTILITY! Yet these are the same people who will get prenant on the pill or after stopping it for a month or two. IF smells like rotten eggas and so does losing a much desired for pregnancy. I want so bad to move from the place, but I feel really stuck. I am telling you my moods change like the tide.

Friends

While they are still getting used to one another, they are slowly becoming friends!

Thank goodnes...we wondered when this would finally happen.

Better Day, emotionally at least.

I am not so emotional today. I have lots of distrations and there has been lots of laughter in our home this weekend. We ended up having an early dinner last night and one of my cousins, Matthew, (almost like a nephew) called and asked to come spend the night, so we got him after dinner and he was so excited because he was able to go fishing with J today. Matthew has been having a ball helping us spoil Baylie.
After dinner we ran to the grocery store to pick up some things for a bbq we are doing on Sunday, I lost my little temper with J. I kept telling him that I was not having a good day and that I was worried and for some reason, I hurt my right foot somehow yesterday and walking in the store was hurting me so bad. I was awful. We recovered well, but I just stayed in a foul mood. In the car on the way to get Matthew, I just let it all out about what was bothering me. I had previously told him the other night that when I am talking to him, I am not always asking him to fix it or make up solutions, I just need him to listen, so he did just the right thing this time. I was crying, just steady stream of tears, nothing heavy, but it just would not stop. J asked if we needed to make a few blocks bc we were getting close to Matthew's house. I tried to dry my eyes and once he got in the car, I have found myself not feeling sorry for myself so much. I was thankful that I was able to verbalize what was making me so irritable and worried. I told J that I just don't like my body. Period. I feel very betrayed by it and that I am stuck with it. I explained my worries about the doctor, weird cm, fear of infection that could worsen everything else in my body. My foot continued to hurt and remained a problem all last night and today so far. I soaked my foot in iced water and that helped some and then I took some aleve. I am having better cm which is lessening my fears and thinking that maybe my doctor could have been right, bc I am now having 10 ck. This was so unexpected, that I have to believe that it is an answer to prayer.
I have realized that trying to trust my doctor in all of this mystery is like having to trust God in the mystery of why my body was created as it was created. I am still discerning about interviewing other physicians in the area to make sure I find the best fit. I do believe right now that for some reason that all of this is not just about me. God is working on a much bigger picture here. By the way, my current doctor is not napro trained. He has the textbooks but has never had the time to go for training. I don't think he understands Creighton at all. I am thinking, how can he affort not to go to training? How many women and families would benefit from a doctor with that specialized knowledge. My prayers are not finished and I will be seeing my current doctor on June 29. I am finding that I am being more assertive, WITH EVERYONE.
So, thank you all for your prayers and advice. Your ecouragement is so helpful and some of the comments made me cry with thankfulness. I am blessed to have great friends in real life, but they don't understand the pain of this journey to its full extent, and I am so thankkful for all of you who do fully understand the journey I am on. Offering up prayers for you all.
I hope that Father's Day is not too much of a sad day for you all and your husbands. My husband is making a big deal in honoring his dad this year and we invited both of our parents over for a bbq. My mom and stepdad are coming by in the evening, while his parents will be by early in the day. I did buy my husband a simple card to let him know that I love him for all he is to me as my husband. I am not sure if I will give it to him on Sunday or save it for our anniversary on July 1.

Emotional Days

I was so angry last night that it took me a long time to go to sleep. I was angry for two reasons. First off, I called my doctor to get some idea why I was having gummy mucus for the past 10 days. I wanted to go in to get him to rule out any inflammation to my cervix since this is about the only culprit I could learn about that might cause this weird cm pattern. I called his office around 10:30 yesterday morning and he called me back at 6:00 pm to ask me what the color of the cm was and if I am feeling feverish. I was thinking that the color was clear, but upon closer review of it last night, it has some white in it. I told him that I have not been feeling feverish, so he basically told me that he doesn't think that it is anything to be worried about and it should be fine. I don't want "should be fine". I want to be well. It would be one thing if he has always been right, but he hasn't and I really feel distrustful right now. So DH was home when he called me back and heard the conversation and thinks I am worrying myself needlessly. Well, that just made me P****D off. I clearly told him that maybe the re son I kept enduring pain with the ectopic pregnancy is bc when I would express my concerns about my pain, they were dismissed and cast off as me just worrying myself for nothing. I am still really angry and sad today. I cried last night again and I have been coming so far. I got two phone calls that really uplifted my spirits yesterday and I told both of these friends (one was my Spiritual Director) that I was really doing well and I believed it at the time, but just a few short hours later, the dam broke and I was wondering if I am just going to have to fight for good medical care my whole life. I live in a crummy part of the country where nearly everyone who is sick, feels like they can't trust their doctors. Most travel to Houston to get good medical care. I tried that route and all they wanted to do for me was ART. No thanks.
My belly still hurts on the inside and it is mainly worse in the evenings and during the night when I get out of bed to go to the bathroom. I take a Tylenol every night bc my legs hurt. The leg thing was a problem before my surgery in Omaha and it got better each month after my surgery. I feel like my reproductive organs are like a walking time bomb. There is only so much I can do and only so much I am willing to do and so much that needs optimal care and attention from a knowledgeable doctor. My phone consult with Dr. H is over a month away. I also told my local doctor that I had been having bouts of cramping like a period was coming for over a week and the new cycle has not started. I am still having trouble wearing my regular clothes bc my belly still feels swollen and wearing anything other than nightgowns, dresses, or very loose clothing makes my belly hurt worse at the end of the day. I feel really pathetic. The two highlights of my life right at this moment is that our new kitty is so loving and is getting along somewhat with our older cat Daisy. We are keeping Baylie! The other highlight is that we are going out to eat with some friends tonight and I don't have to cook or clean any dishes.
I really don't know what to do about the local doctor situation. I really like him as a person, but I just don't feel like he is the right person to care for me anymore. I want to trust him and believe that nothing is wrong with me, but what if there is and it is ignored. He is our only pro-life doctor in this area and I see him all over town and he is always kind, but maybe I need someone more aggressive in monitoring my health care. I want to tell him this bc I want him to be that kind of doctor for me, but what if that is not possible? He is used to caring for women who have healthy pregnancies. He is used to doing all of the regular care for healthy women. I am not a healthy woman and it is becoming clearer to me every minute of every day. This morning, I looked at all of the ob/gyns in my area and one stood out, but it was not the one I had heard suggestions to go to in the event I switch ob/gyns. I really want to find a pro-life doctor, but if I switch, that won't be possible (at least locally). I was discerning this earlier and wondering if I could trust a doctor who is promoting a culture of death, rather than life? Even if he/she is on top of things for my medical care, should I avoid a doctor bc he gives out the pill?
As I am typing this I am in my recliner with my laptop on my knee and Baylie is laying across my chest with her back two paws on the keyboard and Daisy is laying at my feet. They have been chasing each other from one end of the house to the other, so they need a catnap.
By the way, DH is angry at God right now bc of our recent trauma and he is not praying (to my knowledge at least and this just adds to my anger!) so any prayers on his behalf will be greatly appreciated.
I asked him last night if he still wanted to have babies (naturally, of course, since this is almost the only way he sees to having them) and he said "yes, that is a silly question!" I told him, maybe sometime in 2010, I may want to try again and he was unhappy with this, but heck, my body is still in survival mode and I am not ready and he is nipping at my tail. These feelings come and go on my part and the fact that I was so temperamental with him yesterday, makes me believe that a new cycle may be on its way, but I think that is wishful thinking these days.

Nurturing somthing!

This is Baylie. She has been keeping me busy, she was so malnourished when we inherited her. My in-laws found her at the back of their property and we were going to try to give her to my aunt, but my aunt can't take her because of many reasons, so now we are fostering a sweet kitten and wondering if our house can handle two cats. We took Baylie home that night and gave her a bath because she was filthy. We had to change the water twice to finish because the water was so dirty. One highlight of this was bathing her together with J. We worked so well together and enjoyed the common goal of seeing her getting cared for, I could just see us one day getting to do the first bath with our baby. One day, I hope. Anyway, while I dried her off, I realize she is full of huge fleas!!! I am was blown away bc we don't ever see fleas on our cat, Daisy. We ended up getting our kennel out of the shed and letting her sleep in it with a cat bed for the night. I was up very early the next morning to go buy Advantage from the vet for both cats to keep them flea-free. That was on Tueday, and she is now flea free!
We just really feel like we are in a dilemma because our home is not huge, we already have one cat, and we want to have a baby in the near future or by God's grace, adopt a baby. I have no idea what we should do because what if we have a home study done and can't get approved bc we have two cats. Do they even look at this? I don't know if a homestudy is in our future, but I want to know. I know that if we have a baby that is allergic, unfortunately we will have to find loving homes for the cat(s). I have tried not to get attached to the Baylie, but that is near impossible! She is eating well (kitty milk replacer and science diet kitty food) and going to the litter box on her own. We plan to introduce her into our home tonight. Wish us luck, Daisy is very cautious, while Baylie is very loving.
In cycle news, I am on cd 31 and still having 6G several times a day for the last 9 days. I am wondering if one of my hormones are low. I keep feeling like I should be getting a new cycle starting, but it is not coming. It is really overwhelming to try not to be worried about it and just wait until July 21. What if a period never comes. I used to have the worst cycles. I know there are a few of you who have been trained and are CrMS instructors, so I wonder if you could tell me if this type of mucus is common after a pregnancy loss? I did have some of this kind of cm after my miscarriage, but I did not have it for this long and at that time I never heard about the Creighton Model or Napro.

Phone Consult is Scheduled

I have to admit I am scared of what the future holds for me, my husband, and my fertility. Even yesterday, I tell J that I wonder and worry about what would happen if I was lucky enough to get pregnant in the future and it turned out the same way just in the other tube and that I would eventually lose that tube and be completely unable to have hope of ever being able to conceive again! Then I told him that maybe once I am able to speak with Dr. H and have a clear picture of what we are up against I will feel much better. I have been holding my breath in just trying to wait patiently for a new cycle to start . . .still no AF. I have been having some strange cm patterns and I am curious to find out what I can expect my body to do and when it will begin to change. I think this was the first vacation a period did not ruin. The other day I told a little boy miracles happen every day. He was suprised and really was waiting for a miracle to happen. I wonder if I planted a seed of hope or one he will remember when something he has prayed for doesn't come.
I was told about 3 1/2 weeks ago, that once I had charted two cycles, I could schedule a consult over the phone with Dr. Hilgers. So I was very suprised to hear from PPVI today to schedule my phone consult with Dr. H. They told me that he just got back into town and he wanted to schedule my phone consult for July 21 at 4:30 pm. I would have 30 minutes to ask whatever questions I want and he will fully expain all that he could to help me prepare for the future. The cost is a little steep, but absolutely necessary. I really think that this is an answer to a prayer I had not even said aloud, but I felt I needed in my gut.
I really trust Dr. Hilgers and I beleive that God will continue to use him to help me know what to do next.
On a different note, I talked with my friend who uses Re.liv today and she also is starting to sell the product and I am considering starting them. I am also hoping to have J use them as well. It will be great to be healthy and energized. I am worried about my blood count bc I am still a little clumsy and get dizzy alot (especially yesterday). I don't think the iron meds I am taking are being absorded as well as they should be. Woe is me. I went to the grocery store hungry and bought chocolate milk, little debbbie snacks, pickles (sweet for dh, dill for me), and all of the other regular stuff. I feel like I am hopeless. I keep thinking my current cycle is going to end soon, maybe that is why I am craving such weird foods and all of those sweets!

Simple Question, never a simple answer!

Over the course of the weekend, I was surrounded - literally - by little kids and some a little older. The weekend did not turn out to give us the alone time we were anticipating, but J tried to make up for that a little by stopping at a State Park on our way home to bring me to see flower gardens and just walk with me alone. One of the reasons we planned this trip last minute was bc I did not want to go or to spend any extra money. We did go to try to make it a fun trip for me too, my husband had already planned to fish a tournament during the day, which left me to read, sit by the pool, sleep late, etc until around two in the afternoon when he would return. We had some fun together, but in the evenings his family (aunt, uncle, cousins)invited us over to eat and visit. There were four young boys and just about some of the coolest, easy going kids you could find on the planet. I had fun getting to know them, I don't ever see this side of the family, so it was a reunion of sorts. The kids see J a bit more than they see me, but I found out that my husband is a favorite of theirs. Big suprise! I chatted and played with the kids during most of the visits and enjoyed this, but one evening, J and I snuck outside to go sit by the water alone away from the noise and then it happened. One by one, those little boys found us and stayed with us. I thought to myself "Why is it that anywhere we go or whoever we are around, the children seem to magnatize themselves to us?" Don't get me wrong, we loved and adored every minute with them. From playing baseball with a two year old who can hit the ball with great force and who begs for one more pitch, to talking about school work, teachers, and family (or lack thereof) with one of the older boys. Yes, it did feel like a knife going straight through my heart to see J have so much fun pitching and chasing balls for Harrison. I want him to be able to do those things with our own son. While I am talking with the oldest boy and J is playing with the youngest. The oldest one, Cody, decides to ask me if we have any of our own children. While in anyone normal person's mind this is a simple question, it still suprises me every time and my pulse rate quickens. I casually say no, then he begins to ask "Do yall ever want to have any kids?" I say, "Of course, we are hoping that they will come one day." He gets very quiet and very serious, and after a minute or so, he gets the sweetest, silliest grin on his face. I am quite suprised at what comes out next. He tells me "yeah, but kids are a lot of trouble." Like he is sharing some huge secret to warn me and help me to understand that we have not thought this through. Immediatley, I laugh out loud and then he does too. J turns around to find out what we are laughing about and I share with him, in front of Cody, the conversation we just shared. My sweet husband immediately tells Cody "NAH, kids are not trouble!" I fell in love with my husband all over again. We continued to play and chat for another hour or so until dinner was done. Yet, here is the significane of the whole story. When Cody asked me about having children and tells me they are just trouble, this means that this is what he is told everyday by someone he lives with. His mother is an addict who has been blessed with three beautiful, loving kids and she has abandoned all of them. Her mother and stepfather are raising her two boys, both of which have some delays. The youngest one is diagnosed with dwarfism and adhd, so he is so terribly small for his age, but smart. The oldest one is the one I had the pleasure of talking with about children. His mom, also gave birth to a little girl and she is being taken care of by her dad (not his father) and so he hardly knows his own sister. I have watched many grandparents raise grandchildren and sometimes it works, but how much burden is placed on their small shoulders in just knowing that this is not the way it is supposed to be. For his whole life, this child and his siblings have been handed a load of garbage when they are told they are a burden, trouble. I now love those boys so much because I know that while there needs (physical) are being met, will they ever know the real warmth of a parent's unendng, unconditonal love. On a completely different wavelength, how does one who has loved two children she never got to met, but knows are with God say to anyone who wants to know if you have any children say the truth? It is so much easier to say no, we are still waiting for the blessing. The truth is I am a mother without a child to parent, to care for, to hold their hand, to assure of my unconditonal love, to pray with at night. I want to tell the world about our two miracles in heaven, but some people are not prepared to understand that even though our children never knew the warmth of our arms, they know our God in heaven. No matter what, whether our children lived for one moment in the womb, I believe that God allowed them to know that their mother and father loved them more than they loved anything else in this whole world. I am still grateful for knowing that I was pregnant before I knew Nicky was growing in the wrong place inside of me. I am so grateful that I talked with Nicky, that I sang and prayed over our little one. Nothing can take away those wonderful times. Our first one was such a short pregancy, I did not even know I was pregnant but a brief moment, when I realized I was miscarrying. I never had the chance to sing to our first baby, but I did pray.
I just finished reading "My Sister's Keeper" and a line stuck out to me. It goes like this "there is no word in the english language for someone who loses a child. There is widow and orphan, but nothing for someone like me who loses a child." Then another quote "I don't know why they refer to it as losing a child, no parent is so careless to lose their child. The problem is we know where our child is, but we would do anything for them not to be there."
Oh well, I am now driving again and I need to head to the grocery store. We need the essentials. I will head out just as soon as I put tonight's supper in the crock pot!

Manna In The Desert

I have been so tremendously blessed lately! I have been journaling quite a bit about all of it and am finding that I doing okay.
On monday, one of my close friends that moved away a few years ago, made a trip to my house with her family for a visit. Her kiddos bring joy to J and I every time we see them and their youngest son is our godchild so it was healing just to visit them. Yet, the funny thing is that my friend was on a mission to vacuum my floors and sweep my floor in the kitchen bc I told her last week that this was driving me crazy. I specifically asked the doctor if I could do these tasks and he said no to vacuuming. No pushing, pulling, or lifting. J had already vacuumed before she came, but she did it all over again. She even organized little areas of my house that I have had to just let go of these days. It is little things that I could not do yet, but she generously did it while I hung out with sweet Emma, Mal, and G. J visited with her husband and overall we were so thankful for their visit and friendship. We were going to buy them pizza, but when we went to go pick it up, they paid for the pizza too. She said this is the least we can do, they are not even paying you right now.
By the way, this is the same day, we got our new awning for our front porch and to add a covered parking space for me and it turned out fabulous. I was not looking foward to this, but I love it and have been spending lots of time outside. Here is LA it is hot right now, but my front porch is nice and breezy all day long.
Next, on tuesday, I got an unexpected call from PPVI. I had called to let them know they overcharged me for a cycle review and I had to speak to a nurse to have the charge removed, but when she called me back, she took the time to minister to me in a most compassionate way. I asked about some very strange cm stuff that I have been seeing and she listened but really did not understand why I was experiencing that. She then went on to tell me that she and the other nurses at PPVI were very sad to hear of our loss and that they are praying for us. She went on to ask me really thoughtful questions about the experience I had on the day I got so sick and she compassionately listened and offered insight and understanding. I did not receive any of this at the hospital or even my doctor's office (except from my dr, somewhat) so I felt like this was manna in the desert. She went on to tell me that while this is a very difficult and sad time and that it seems very unfair that we were unable to meet our little baby or hold them in our arms, we can find comfort in the fact that our baby is able to look upon the face of God everyday. I felt so comforted at that moment that the tears just fell silently down my cheeks. I shared with her something I told my friend the day earlier. I told my friend that "No matter what, all of the surgeries, all of the charting, all of the medicines, all of the blood work was worth it because we were able to co-create with God and help bring one more soul to heaven." I am meaning it, too. What a privelege to help bring one more soul to heaven. If nothing else, everything up until that point had been worth it.
The dear nurse that I was talking about, then reassured me that they are all praying for us and told me ways to prepare for my phone consult with Dr. Hilgers that will be coming up in the next cycle or so.
Then to top off my wonderful week, my very best friend came by to visit today and we just visited for over 5 hours. I am so thankful for my friends. My friend, Michelle, and I have been friends for 11 years and we can still just laugh almost the entire time we visit. When she would come visit J and I in the hospital, she would have us laughing so hard, my sides would hurt.
The best part of this week is that we are going on a little getaway this weekend at this amazing little resort and it was totally unexpected, but decided to spurlge and enjoy this time right now. I can't wait to get there. We are leaving tomorrow and will come home on Sunday afternoon. Yah! I am thinking of calling them in the morning to tell the we are celebrating our 9th anniversary, and see if they can spice up our room. We can practice some of the aspects of SPICE ;)
On a final note, I am realizing that while I am navigating my way through all of this suffering and grief, I am being given manna in the desert every single day. God is sending me comfort. Either with a card, a phone call, a visit, an email, or even someone vacuuming my floor. I am blessed with a phenomenal husband who loves me unconditionally. I am blessed to have the freedom to just recover. That is my only thing that is really on my to do list lately. While I am charting to prepare for my call with Dr. Hilgers, I am not even having to try to conceive right now or worry about my infertility. I have no idea if I will be given the chance to be fertile again, although I am hoping I will be. I am still not sure what the future holds for me and J, but I know that God does and He will be with me each step of the way.

The good news is that I am healing physically too (at least on the outside). The bad news is that I am worried if my body on the inside will really recover. I still get sharp pains on my left side and while I am seeing healing on the outside, how can I truly trust that the insides are healing well, too? Once again, there is some good news in all of this and that is that God does his best work in secret and in darkness, so I will wait for the light!

Jesus

I was able to go to Holy Mass today and it was wonderful. I was able to go to the church where J and I got married and it was like going home. I was able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist and my heart was so full. Well, it is still full! I made the special trip because (the church is about 40 minutes away from my house) I always seem to go there after a crisis and my hope is always nurtured there. Remembering the day we wed and being so filled with hope, wonder, dreams, confidence that our love for one another and for God would get us through anything this life could fling our way. We had no idea that our life would be filled with so much suffering, but we did know that no matter what our tomorrows brought us, we would be accompanied by one another and God. We were fortunate to have three priests celebrate our marriage with us. And the photographer got some amazing photos of all five of us as J and I proclaimed our vows to one another. I have a large photograph of this in our bedroom and it is a daily reminder that the Holy Trinity is with us always. The priest this morning spoke of how the Trinity ministers to us all in different ways in just the way we are needing it at the moment. I absolutely loved watching the joy of seeing the way the priest was enjoying his role in ministering to us. I fell in love with my faith all over again today. When we sang the Great Amen, my heart soared. When we sang the "Alleluia" my heart overflowed with peace and hope.
My prayer time before mass began was one of surrender. It was not filled with bitterness. It was not demanding. It was not sorrowful, it was just honest. A honest surrender of my will. My will to control the outcome of my life, the will to control how my family will grow, my will to always trying to be one step ahead so that I won't be suprised when crisis comes my way. Surrendering my will to trust that God knows what is best for me and that it is not negotioable. If He sees for me to one day be blessed with another pregnancy, I will just have to trust Him to do what is best each day of that pregnancy. I will just have to surrender that the months ahead I may not like having to work at ttc again when I should still be growing a little baby inside of my belly. No, I have no idea what my tomorrows will be like, but I do know that I have an amazing husband who will be with me on that journey. I do know that I have a trustworthy Abba, Father to count on to bring me joy no matter what tempory suffering I may be enduring.
Over the course of the weekend, I had a few revelations. I realized that while losing a child to miscarriage or even a traumatic ectopic pregnancy is hard, I can find comfort that our children are with God, that I will get to meet them one day. I can take comfort in the faith that I was blessed with that my children are being cared for and will never have to deal with suffering here on earth. Yes, these moments of comfort come and go, but overall they are stable. It is the infertility that really wears down my spirit. In infertility, there is very little to comfort yourself with when you are experiencing month after month of giving your all to growing your family and your actions are not fruitful. This morning I woke up dreaming about me trying to comfort a crying newborn baby boy. I was the one who was going to bring him comfort. I was consoling him, his cries were quieting . . .then I woke up. I was so brokenhearted in that moment. I can't even describe it. Yet, I picked my self up, got dressed, put on some make-up and made it to mass! Thank God that I made it to mass, I was blessed with a new perspective.
I want to tell you all that I remembered you all in my prayers before Mass. I know that God will be blessing us all in so many ways! God's blessings to you all, today and always!

f/u doctor's appt

Today was okay. It helped that my mom was with me today. My doctor's office waiting room was as terrible as I anticipated. Once they called me back, they put me in the ultrasound room, so there were a few tears there. Then another short wait for the doctor, but once he came in, he took his time with me and answered all of my questions. I asked him what all of it looked like and he showed me the pictures from the surgery. He had taken one of my ruptured tube before he removed it along (I don't want to go into too many details, there are painful to share and to hear)with what it looked like after the removal of the tube and the baby (although they refer to it as tissue). I asked him how this recent surgery would affect my overall fertility and he explained that I probably will have a 25% less likely chance to conceive again. So given the fact that Dr. Hilgers said I had a 90% chance to conceive in 12-18 months following my Sept 08 surgery, that would mean I would have about a 60% chance to conceive agian. Is that likely? I hope so. I really do, even though I am feeling scared to get pregnant again. Maybe I will feel different in a few months. Let's hope and pray so.
When I explained to the doctor that I was having trouble going to sleep at night and he gave me a low-dose sleep medicine that is anti-anxiety med. I am very cautious to take anything that would be habit forming. Yet I am thankful that he was understanding of where I was coming from. He listened very well and patiently. I explained that I would go to be tired, but lay awake for about 3 hours before falling asleep and that it was hard for me to dispel memories of the day I was sick when I am in my bedroom bc that is where all of the drama happened. I do find myself feeling better everyday though. He did say however that I could experience the "baby blues" or post-partum emotions. He wants me to be very clear with him about how I am feeling so he can monitor this, though. We talked about the stages of grief and he seems to believe that the emotions I am feeling is normal bc I did experience the loss of a pregnancy.
I do have to say you all gave me such great support, along with the support of my family and friends, that I feel so encouraged to just let nature take its course, especially with the grieving process. Thank you all for your suggestions to help me in prayer. I did pray a decade of the rosary last night. I kept focusing on the annunciation. It helped me to ponder the thoughts of Mary as she was surely confused as to what the future held for her.
On a side note, I am about to drive my sweet husband crazy with all of the talk about my fears, struggles, and worries. I am going to start journaling again soon. I believe it will help.
God's blessings to you all and thank you for your prayers!