Mitchell

Yesterday and today have probably been some of my hardest days emotionally.  Letting go of a child you love is so hard on your heart.  Even after the involuntary loss of our two special babies, I am finding this so much more overwhelming because I chose this for him.  I know he is not gone forever.  I know that I exhausted every local resource and internal strength that Jessy and I had in meeting the unique needs of precious man-child, but my heart still grieves in not being able to greet him first thing in the morning to see how he is, asking how he slept, and just knowing he is safe and sound.

We had a few hiccups in the transition, but for the most part I think that this is one of the fastest transitions for this type of situation and I think I got bogged down in the details and was just barreled over by the emotions I experiencing now.  I am praying, desperately clinging to Jesus, that we were led by HIS spirit and discerned appropriately in securing a safe, healing place for Mitchell.

Just getting him out of the local school and home, his overall disposition improved.  There were still areas of depression, anger, resentfulness but overall the issues were 85% better.  We only had a few moments were immediate disciplinary redirection were necessary.  Walking away from him was one of the single most difficult moments I have had to surrender to.

Matthew and Mitchell have been living with us for 19 months.  There is so much growing that happens in those years of being 13, 14, 15, and 16.  In just 4 months or so Matthew will be 17!  Mitchell will be turning 16 in October.  They have grown so much that these early pictures seem like so long ago.

Christmas Ever 2012

I have to constantly remind myself that we gave Mitchel many options to correct his behavior, we tried to give him the tools to be successful in choosing better behavior and that this time at the ranch is not a punishment for him but a necessary reaching out for something to click in his head and help him to find the path to a brighter future for himself.  I think of his Dad often and how we are chosen to guard Mitchell from evil (within our knowledge and power) and give him the best that we can offer him.  If something happened to Jessy and I , I would want whoever was caring for our Joseph to know that they should be able to trust whatever means necessary to reach him to help him preserve his very life, his precious soul.

I think what I am struggling most with is the fact that I feel like we sent him away, just like his mother did.  Like we are sending him the message that we don’t want to bother with him, so we just sent him away and that could not be farther from the truth.  I feel like this choice was almost the most compassionate, life-giving, selfless thing we could do for him.  I have to keep reminding myself of this truth!  I struggle with the fact that he is ‘alone’ at 15 years of age without his family near him.  I struggle with the fact that if he would have had a normal life, growing up in a loving home, not touched by the grief of losing a parent at such a young age and being fully dependent on a mother who was not able to emotionally meet their needs (which turned in to not meeting their other needs) he would not have to face the consequences of being at a Ranch/Boarding School type of facility away from the people who love him most.  I struggle that I became the ‘Mom” to three boys in 7 months and did a lousy job loving the two older boys with a maternal love that tucks in the child every night, does one-on-one bonding with all of them.  Joseph was a very high-needs child, still only is comforted by Mommy.  I know that when Mitchell and Matthew came to our house they were 13 and 15 years  old, respectively.  So many struggles. 

I stayed busy today, Joseph and I cleaned, played, did laundry, and even rearranged some furniture.  I keep waiting on an update from the Ranch.  I have three images that keep playing in my mind.  The first one is from yesterday morning, Joseph and Mitchell were playing blocks at his little tikes table and they were both sitting on the yellow plastic chairs building towers.  The second one is holding a crying Joseph and hugging Mitchell as he shook in my embrace trying desperately to keep his tears in but they overflowed down his cheeks anyway, kissing his forehead and blessing him “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit”, reminding him that we love him.  The third image is him running after me to the van (not just for another hug, haha, but for his ear buds for school).  He still got another big hug from me, though.

I am having to settle my heart consciously.  I am having to remind myself that we did make the best choice we knew to make giving the circumstances we are in.  I have to remind myself that none of this is about ME!!!!!  It is all about Mitchell, his healing, and his future.  It is about saving his soul.

Please pray for him, he has a sensitive heart and he struggles with depression.  I have come to learn that I do not understand depression, especially in how it manifests itself in teen boys.  Our family here at home could use some prayers, too.  Especially Matthew.  Thanks in advance.