I am loving my happy baby these days! What a difference he is sharing with us!
It is absolutely amazing to watch him smile and be content!
I love these moments and I do not take them for granted.
Everyday is a blessing, everyday is a challenge.
I heard today that suffering is not from God but it is simply a part of our lives because of our humanity. God is ready to bring santification to us through the suffering. I thought where was this message when I was in the depths of sorrow in my years of infertility and the loss of two precious babies. I was reminded today that even in my new vocation of motherhood, which I begged God to bless me with, will be filled with suffering as well as hope. I am sharing in the vocation of Mary, our Blessed Mother and suffering was a part of her life as well. Some days have been really hard lately, but there is light and hope that breaks in and comforts me. Joseph is such a treasure!
I came to a realization the other day and it startled me as well as called me to serious reflection on my relationship with God. Do I trust him in all ways? Do I truly know of his great love for me? Do I know it in my inmost being despite my imperfection. Nothing has humbled me more and it feels like there is a huge spotlight on all of my imperfections as a Mom because quite frankly I feel like I am stumbling my way through it and has so much to learn.
What I realized is that the reason I am so torn up about the nursing and it not working out as I had planned is because I am afraid of letting Joseph down and letting God down. God has given me this wonderful opportunity to be a mother and only I can provide him with breastmilk. I have come to a place where I am letting it go because I just cannot produce enough milk to meet the amount he is taking now since his intake is increasing. There is a growth spurt happening. I cannot keep up even with supplements of vitamins to increase my milk and when I am not caring for him - I want to sleep. I keep trying to tell myself that the flesh is weak and that is what gets me out of bed in the middle of the night to pump, but I am trying to give myself a break from these crazy ideals that I am not measuring up and failing to make God happy.
In one sense, this seems crazy right, but I think this is what it boils down to for me and there is freedom is working this out spiritually for me. As I pump and as I feed Joseph my milk, I tell him that God gives us the milk and Mommy just pumps it. Slowly, I am feeling the grip of worry being released and I am enjoying my baby so much more.
In news about my incision, there is still some issues and I hurt a bit and am now on antibiotics. If there are prayers to spare, please say one for us. I don't want to worry about some silly incision when I can just enjoy him.
Oh bless you, dear! I had this same issue with my first.I did not make enough milk and was feeding her at the breast, then making her a bottle with formula and breast milk, feeding her that, putting her down and then pumping. I just could NOT keep up - the whole process took so long that there was no time for me to rest before we started all over. I finally had to give it up and even the pumping didn't work. So, my baby was formula fed. MY baby. It was the worst time for me spiritually. BUT, after I came to terms with it and moved to the formula -got a tiny amount of sleep I saw that God has really used this time as a spiritual growth for me. Letting go of how I thought the ONLY way to be a Catholic mama was and just do what was best for my baby. For me, that meant her not having a stressed and freaking out mama. The Lord sure surprised and blessed us, I had an unexpected return to fertility (I think due to stopping all the pumping) and we got pregnant before I got a cycle back. Now we have kids 12 months apart. I by no means am telling you what to do, only you and your hubby and God can know that. I just want to encourage you and share with you breastfeeding is not a moral choice, and you can still be a great Catholic mama if it doesn't work out. I also have a Catholic mom friend who just went to pumping (she had the milk for it) and fed her baby her milk from the bottle.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying for you hon. You are a great mama no matter how little Joseph gets his food. God has a plan for your family.
We have a 3 week old and also recovering from a 2nd c section so I can empathize with you! Nursing is going well for us but having supply issues here. I pray you find peace with however you end up feeding sweet Joseph. It's so hard when what we wanted isn't what turns out. Praying for you (and for some sleep for us all!)
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your milk. You are an amazing mommy. Joseph is a very lucky baby.
ReplyDeletepcos thyroid issues insulin and cortisol issues play a huge role in milk production.......thyroid insulin and cortisol r the hormones that make milk. so do not beat urself up.....im barely keeping up as well. i mean there is no extra. if i dont pump an extra 2oz sometime in the morning to give her at night when im completely dried up we wld have issues....
ReplyDeletei totally understand as i have issues giving her a bottle of my milk coz i want to feed her 100%.....
our broken bodies. there is nothing we can d-! u r a great momma! he loves you and u r doing the best u can!
oh honey... you are a WONDERFUL mama....
ReplyDeleteI'm realizing I never emailed you back... bad me!!
You enjoy that baby boy and don't beat yourself up. You're a love...
Keep looking to the Lord for the peace and encouragement only he can give! That is so beautiful, to realize that God gives the milk.... We are the conduit for so many graces God gives to our children!
ReplyDeleteAlso, have u tried fenugreek supplements yet to see if they can help your supply? Many blessings in your journey of motherhood my dear!
What a beautiful reflection! Oh, the nursing, is so hard! I went through the same thing. But, now on the other side (our LO is all formual fed), things are so happy for everyone. I'm not stressed out and our LO is so happy. But, it was a process to get here. It was rough. I was defeated again by my body, but I had to keep looking at our miracle and enjoy her, we don't know if we will get another.
ReplyDeleteAre you back on the metformin? That could help...
I was really sad that I couldn't nurse Leo as well. He just can't physically do it. But I'm totally at peace about it now that I'm bottle feeding and seeing him gain weight and thrive! You're doing a great job!
ReplyDeleteI finally found a computer that doesn't crash when I go to your blog! UGHHHHH....I have been dying to read the updates about Joseph (who shares my husband's name, too--it's the best name!!!)
ReplyDeleteI feel for you with your nursing situation.
I am 1000% confident that you will be lead to the right situation and solution.
For me, nursing was not the right option.
I just could not do it physically and still be a working Mom. I needed my husband to be involve in the feedings in a MAJOR WAY.
I never gave it a second thought. I really didn't. I came up with extra special ways to hold my baby and bond with her...that she still enjoys today.
People all comment that she is the happiest baby they have ever seen and that she is always smiling so in terms of attachment it worked. She is also 98% in height and 50 -75% in weight so in terms of nutrition it worked too!
She also has barely gotten sick. The peditrician gave us 3 gold stars!!!
So, stick to what works for you.
Joseph has the best Mommy in the world.
I'll tell you a funny story. I was having bad nursing issues with a kid. I took the baby and my husband down to the National Gallery of Art in Washington D.C. I left the baby, a bottle, and my husband in the lobby. Then for 20 minutes I stared alone at all the gorgeous ancient Alter paintings of Our Blessed Mother nursing Jesus. I know that we're worlds apart in terms of formula, pumping options, etc-- but looking at Our Mother I didn't feel estranged or inadequate. I just felt peace. Breastfeeding a baby is super duper hard sometimes and I felt peaceful knowing that Our Mother knows exactly what it's like.
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