Quiet Moments

In the quiet moments of pumping I try to make a point to pray.



I pray about many things, primarily for Joseph's health, vocation, and future.



I pray for my husband as he rejoices in living out his fatherhood to Joseph and that God will continue to bless him with the strength to embrace his new vocation.



I pray for myself. I need lots of prayers, especially when I would rather be sleeping while Joseph is sleeping instead of pumping, but I remind myself that for the time being I am his life source and I have to get his next meal ready.



I ask for the intercession of many of the saints.



I ask God to bless all of the women in this faith community with the growing family they desire.



I prayer for our godchildren.



Yet, the last several times as I am watching the clock, my eyes have been drawn to Jesus on the Cross right above my husband's alarm clock.



The cross, the one Jesus died on for me to show his love for me is now showing me how to lay down my life for Joseph.



It all began on the day of Joseph's birth.



I was incredibly afraid to have the c-section. I knew I wanted to have my baby born safely and that was our best way to accomplish that. I was more afraid of the meds needed to allow my body to not feel the pain of the procedure. I was able to hear his heartbeat as I waited for his birth so that helped buoy my confidience that he would be okay. Everyone was incredible in helping me and my husband that day. I never felt so loved by complete stangers before in my life. The nurse that stayed by my side and the anethelogist were amazing. The nurse held me in a bear hug as I received the meds in my spine and the anethologist kept me going when they pulled my husband away to care for Joseph. They were amazing. When I heard Joseph's first cry, I cried huge tears of joy and they kept coming. I knew I would cry when I would hear him cry, but I did not know how complete I would feel at that moment. I kept crying for awhile, even upon seeing his precious face. I often wondered why my tears lasted for days in joy for him. I decided that when we lost Nicky and Sam I felt that very deeply and I felt this joy of new birth with Joseph just as deeply and there were tears for that, too! As deeply as I felt grief, I equally felt deep abiding joy. The way I was positioned for the birth of Joseph was in the same fashion that Jesus was crucified on the cross. I was laid out and at some point they put each of my arms on a ledge and braced them down. I think it was at that exact moment that the fear depated - once I realized that this mment was necessary to bring new life - our own son - into the world! God gave me that grace! I was able to lay down my life and fear with great love for Joseph -priceless!

Last night as I looked at the cross I learned something different! I reflected on the three wounds of Jesus and realized I have my own three wounds/scars from preparing for baby Joseph. Not all of them were voluntary, but they were all necessary and worth it.

The first came from my laparotomy in Sept 2008!

The second came from the ruptured ectopic pregnancy and removal f my left tube in May 2009.

The third is the still healing incision from the c-section for Joseph's miraculous birth!

God has been incredibly generous to us!