I already got my birthday cake and song!
My dear husband brought home a mini cheesecake! It was my only request and this request was made back in September when I was first diagnosed with GD and seriously watched everything I ate. The cheesecake was awesome and we were able to enjoy it in the 10 minute catnap that Joseph just took! At least he gave us 10 whole minutes ;)
Last year, I wished for a baby! Since I am on a streak, I told my husband that this year I wish for sleep!!!!
Joseph woke up every 45 minutes last night. I am not kidding. I love this kid, adore him but I also enjoy resting for a bit. He is going through a growth spurt or something and will not sleep away from us. I am worn smooth out and I know that these are the days I begged God for so I try to keep my chin up and realize that God is rooting out every bit of selfishness that is rearing its ugly head in my life right now.
On a more serious note, I am thrilled to be celebrating this birthday being a mom to a healthy, beautiful baby boy. It makes me realize the joy my Mom finds in me. It is humbling to know that no matter how old I become or what I do, my Mom adores me just as I adore my little boy.
My birthday wish is that everyone in this blogging community finds that their dreams come true very soon. I spend lots of time rocking Joseph and the other day I was telling him of our very special intentions for all of you. I felt so proud to tell him about all of you and the dreams and prayers of your hearts. Together we prayed for you all.
Enjoy your day tomorrow - I know that come gloomy weather or sunshine, restless or rested, my heart will be glowing with the contentment of knowing that God is working in me and finding joy in me as I try to surrender my life to him and all of my desires.
33 was a great year for me, I am praying that the year ahead will be filled with just as much joy!
God, be at my side and lead me in fulfilling your will! Amen.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Ear infection and Rambling
Me, thankfully! I would be so broken hearted if it was Joseph that got one.
I only remember getting one twice in my life and it is miserable. Especially at 3 am when you are trying to get your baby to sleep after eating.
My steriod shot seems to be working and I am on my way to bed.
The new doctor managed to make me feel a bit bummed about giving Jospeh formula and I cried when I got home. I did not even go into all of the issues with him. He tried really hard to tell me that 6 weeks of pumping was a really good start for Joseph. All I can do is pray that it is enough. I don't know how some of you super moms do it, but I thought my head was going to explode last night.
Thankfully we caught it early. I am on full duty with Joseph! I don't have the luxury of being sick, which is the truth for all moms.
Joseph's spit up is increasing lately. Today was better than yesterday, though. It just wears you out wanting to not see your baby uncomfortable because he makes faces with them.
This week I got to get out of the house to visit a dear friend and her daughter. That visit and their friendship do me a world of good! The walls of my house get so boring.
Ok, heading to bed. I might get an hour in before Joseph wakes up to eat.
I am so excited to announce that Joseph's baptism is scheduled. I thought it would be special if we could have him baptized on his Patron Saint's Feast Day and I am thrilled!
Some days Joseph's crying is improving, but that was not today or last night! It probably did not help that I was pathetically feeling sorry for myself.
Oh, one last thing. My new doctor's (PCP) is pretty cool. There is christian music to listen to while you wait, photo albums of their mission work, and bibles in the lobby and in the exam rooms. I did not notice them til I was leaving because I was reading an article on COLIC. Yes, this is my life and I am thankful for it!
I only remember getting one twice in my life and it is miserable. Especially at 3 am when you are trying to get your baby to sleep after eating.
My steriod shot seems to be working and I am on my way to bed.
The new doctor managed to make me feel a bit bummed about giving Jospeh formula and I cried when I got home. I did not even go into all of the issues with him. He tried really hard to tell me that 6 weeks of pumping was a really good start for Joseph. All I can do is pray that it is enough. I don't know how some of you super moms do it, but I thought my head was going to explode last night.
Thankfully we caught it early. I am on full duty with Joseph! I don't have the luxury of being sick, which is the truth for all moms.
Joseph's spit up is increasing lately. Today was better than yesterday, though. It just wears you out wanting to not see your baby uncomfortable because he makes faces with them.
This week I got to get out of the house to visit a dear friend and her daughter. That visit and their friendship do me a world of good! The walls of my house get so boring.
Ok, heading to bed. I might get an hour in before Joseph wakes up to eat.
I am so excited to announce that Joseph's baptism is scheduled. I thought it would be special if we could have him baptized on his Patron Saint's Feast Day and I am thrilled!
Some days Joseph's crying is improving, but that was not today or last night! It probably did not help that I was pathetically feeling sorry for myself.
Oh, one last thing. My new doctor's (PCP) is pretty cool. There is christian music to listen to while you wait, photo albums of their mission work, and bibles in the lobby and in the exam rooms. I did not notice them til I was leaving because I was reading an article on COLIC. Yes, this is my life and I am thankful for it!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
So happy!
I am loving my happy baby these days! What a difference he is sharing with us!
It is absolutely amazing to watch him smile and be content!
I love these moments and I do not take them for granted.
Everyday is a blessing, everyday is a challenge.
I heard today that suffering is not from God but it is simply a part of our lives because of our humanity. God is ready to bring santification to us through the suffering. I thought where was this message when I was in the depths of sorrow in my years of infertility and the loss of two precious babies. I was reminded today that even in my new vocation of motherhood, which I begged God to bless me with, will be filled with suffering as well as hope. I am sharing in the vocation of Mary, our Blessed Mother and suffering was a part of her life as well. Some days have been really hard lately, but there is light and hope that breaks in and comforts me. Joseph is such a treasure!
I came to a realization the other day and it startled me as well as called me to serious reflection on my relationship with God. Do I trust him in all ways? Do I truly know of his great love for me? Do I know it in my inmost being despite my imperfection. Nothing has humbled me more and it feels like there is a huge spotlight on all of my imperfections as a Mom because quite frankly I feel like I am stumbling my way through it and has so much to learn.
What I realized is that the reason I am so torn up about the nursing and it not working out as I had planned is because I am afraid of letting Joseph down and letting God down. God has given me this wonderful opportunity to be a mother and only I can provide him with breastmilk. I have come to a place where I am letting it go because I just cannot produce enough milk to meet the amount he is taking now since his intake is increasing. There is a growth spurt happening. I cannot keep up even with supplements of vitamins to increase my milk and when I am not caring for him - I want to sleep. I keep trying to tell myself that the flesh is weak and that is what gets me out of bed in the middle of the night to pump, but I am trying to give myself a break from these crazy ideals that I am not measuring up and failing to make God happy.
In one sense, this seems crazy right, but I think this is what it boils down to for me and there is freedom is working this out spiritually for me. As I pump and as I feed Joseph my milk, I tell him that God gives us the milk and Mommy just pumps it. Slowly, I am feeling the grip of worry being released and I am enjoying my baby so much more.
In news about my incision, there is still some issues and I hurt a bit and am now on antibiotics. If there are prayers to spare, please say one for us. I don't want to worry about some silly incision when I can just enjoy him.
It is absolutely amazing to watch him smile and be content!
I love these moments and I do not take them for granted.
Everyday is a blessing, everyday is a challenge.
I heard today that suffering is not from God but it is simply a part of our lives because of our humanity. God is ready to bring santification to us through the suffering. I thought where was this message when I was in the depths of sorrow in my years of infertility and the loss of two precious babies. I was reminded today that even in my new vocation of motherhood, which I begged God to bless me with, will be filled with suffering as well as hope. I am sharing in the vocation of Mary, our Blessed Mother and suffering was a part of her life as well. Some days have been really hard lately, but there is light and hope that breaks in and comforts me. Joseph is such a treasure!
I came to a realization the other day and it startled me as well as called me to serious reflection on my relationship with God. Do I trust him in all ways? Do I truly know of his great love for me? Do I know it in my inmost being despite my imperfection. Nothing has humbled me more and it feels like there is a huge spotlight on all of my imperfections as a Mom because quite frankly I feel like I am stumbling my way through it and has so much to learn.
What I realized is that the reason I am so torn up about the nursing and it not working out as I had planned is because I am afraid of letting Joseph down and letting God down. God has given me this wonderful opportunity to be a mother and only I can provide him with breastmilk. I have come to a place where I am letting it go because I just cannot produce enough milk to meet the amount he is taking now since his intake is increasing. There is a growth spurt happening. I cannot keep up even with supplements of vitamins to increase my milk and when I am not caring for him - I want to sleep. I keep trying to tell myself that the flesh is weak and that is what gets me out of bed in the middle of the night to pump, but I am trying to give myself a break from these crazy ideals that I am not measuring up and failing to make God happy.
In one sense, this seems crazy right, but I think this is what it boils down to for me and there is freedom is working this out spiritually for me. As I pump and as I feed Joseph my milk, I tell him that God gives us the milk and Mommy just pumps it. Slowly, I am feeling the grip of worry being released and I am enjoying my baby so much more.
In news about my incision, there is still some issues and I hurt a bit and am now on antibiotics. If there are prayers to spare, please say one for us. I don't want to worry about some silly incision when I can just enjoy him.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Praying for POO!!!!!!
I have to say that I have thrown God a few curveballs in my day, but He is getting tons of curveballs from my heart these days.
I had reached a new level of desperate and began praying for POO for sweet Joseph since early Monday afternoon. He has always been very regular, but for some reason he went about 50 hours without having a bowel movement and it was making him miserable. In turn, his mom became a walking zombie and very miserable, too! The doctor told us give him a infant suppository today to help him out. So that was the next step to helping him, add another trip to Wal,greens.
If that is not enough for this new mom facing the challenge of a child with Reflux, Thrush, and gas, I ended up getting a severe case of diarrehea since Sunday and have not been able to keep anything in me. I have lost more than 40 lbs in the last 5 weeks and I did not even gain that much during my pregnancy. I love weighing less but that is not the way to do it. Oh, yeah, lets add one more kink to the wheel in addition to the scheduled pumping and lack of enough milk to make a full day I have discovered that my incision had a small opening and there was an area that was inflamed. I tried to self cure myself without calling the doctor over the weekend and then with the added fuss of caring for a newborn I was forgetting to care for myself. I finally called the doctor today and told her what was going on and she immediately wanted me to come in so she can see the area. Oh, yah, let me just run right out like I have no other things to do.
I had my spiritual director already on her way to visit and meet Joseph. I had about 1 hour to get to the doctor's office and I live 40 minutes away. I ended up feeding the baby, visiting with her, changing the diaper, changing the outfit of the baby, and barely make it. I have only drove with the baby on my own once before and with his current level of discomfort and fussiness - I was STReSSED OUT!!! I simply put him in the carseat and PRAYED for the best.
I literally begged our blessed Mother to come and comfort him because I just could not be in the driver's seat and be next to him. Somehow, I made it there and he did not die from crying. Thankfull, he did not cry for too long. I had one hand on the wheel and one hand trying to vibrate the carseat. Not a pretty site. Imagine that! My husband was lifesaver and met me at the parking lot of my doctor's office since he was close to getting off from work and works in town. I was 10 minutes late, so as soon as I parked the car, my husband hopes in the backseat of my car and I run (literally run) into my doctor's office because we basically tried to move mountains to get there and by golly I needed them to see me after doing all of that and not close the office!
Well, I get there and what do I do . .. wait! Joseph is unhappy in the car! My husband consoles him as best as you can in the backseat of a car. Needless to say, no one is happy at this point. I ended up getting called back into a room. As I wait, I get to read a magazine! What, I have two free hands? Are you serious? Finally, the doctor comes in and she tells me that the area doesn't look infected but she worked on the area and then told me to take some probiotics, stop the glucophage and the prenatal I was taking because it has a stool softener in it, and add some Immodium to see if the bowel issue improves and try a new prenatal. I was so relieved and I will see her again next week. She asked me to call her if the bowel issue doesn't improve because of me giving him breastmilk this is a concern and we don't want there to be something I can pass on to him. I am not giong to ask if this can be harder because I know that others are successfully dealing with much bigger challenges. It can always be worse and I don't need to experience it to know that life can be even harder.
So I finally get to leave the doctors office and relieve my husband. We decide to go to Wal,greens following one another so that I can run in while he sits in the car with Joseph. I make it there and run in and was on a mission. Probiotics for me and and the suppository for Joseph. That was it. No taking my time to stroll down the aisles. Get what I need and GO! I asked the pharmacy people to tell me where those items are and they actually tell me that are not sure. What? Then when I ask them to find out they tell me the wrong aisle. So I wait for the manager to help me and then when I finally find it, I quickly check out and head to the car.
I walk as fast as I can to the car and when I get there my husband has Joseph in his arms and a horrid look on his face and tells me "We have a CODE RED! He had a blowout!" Talk about answered prayers and Murphy's Law. I literally just bought the suppositories and thankfully I did not need to use them! Praise God in heaven!!!
Yes, that is how I ended up sitting cross-legged on the floor of the women's bathroom in Wal,greens. Joseph relieved himself finally and it was not pretty! I sort of felt guilty leaving that nasty diaper in their trash can. For some reason there is not changing station in wal,greens' bathroom so I had to lay down his blanket and change him. It took almost all the wipes I had in his bag to clean him and his legs :) It was the worst diaper that I was so thankful to change.
I ran into the manager on my way out and we had a quick laugh that I no longer needed the item he just helped me find! When I find my way outside again to meet my husband who is still waiting for us, I find him airing up my back tire. No, there is no limit to our worries these days.
So, by now it is time to feed Joseph again. I feed him & burp him in the parking lot crammed in the backseat. At least he was much happier this feeding time :) He had lots of room in his tummy!
Now, today has definitely been memorable and I feel like I have been branded into my new role as a Mom. Being Joseph's Mom has not been all I imagined, there are moments that have exceeded all of my expectations and even cleaning up poo while sitting on the floor of a public bathroom made me so thankful for being a Mom, finally.
I had reached a new level of desperate and began praying for POO for sweet Joseph since early Monday afternoon. He has always been very regular, but for some reason he went about 50 hours without having a bowel movement and it was making him miserable. In turn, his mom became a walking zombie and very miserable, too! The doctor told us give him a infant suppository today to help him out. So that was the next step to helping him, add another trip to Wal,greens.
If that is not enough for this new mom facing the challenge of a child with Reflux, Thrush, and gas, I ended up getting a severe case of diarrehea since Sunday and have not been able to keep anything in me. I have lost more than 40 lbs in the last 5 weeks and I did not even gain that much during my pregnancy. I love weighing less but that is not the way to do it. Oh, yeah, lets add one more kink to the wheel in addition to the scheduled pumping and lack of enough milk to make a full day I have discovered that my incision had a small opening and there was an area that was inflamed. I tried to self cure myself without calling the doctor over the weekend and then with the added fuss of caring for a newborn I was forgetting to care for myself. I finally called the doctor today and told her what was going on and she immediately wanted me to come in so she can see the area. Oh, yah, let me just run right out like I have no other things to do.
I had my spiritual director already on her way to visit and meet Joseph. I had about 1 hour to get to the doctor's office and I live 40 minutes away. I ended up feeding the baby, visiting with her, changing the diaper, changing the outfit of the baby, and barely make it. I have only drove with the baby on my own once before and with his current level of discomfort and fussiness - I was STReSSED OUT!!! I simply put him in the carseat and PRAYED for the best.
I literally begged our blessed Mother to come and comfort him because I just could not be in the driver's seat and be next to him. Somehow, I made it there and he did not die from crying. Thankfull, he did not cry for too long. I had one hand on the wheel and one hand trying to vibrate the carseat. Not a pretty site. Imagine that! My husband was lifesaver and met me at the parking lot of my doctor's office since he was close to getting off from work and works in town. I was 10 minutes late, so as soon as I parked the car, my husband hopes in the backseat of my car and I run (literally run) into my doctor's office because we basically tried to move mountains to get there and by golly I needed them to see me after doing all of that and not close the office!
Well, I get there and what do I do . .. wait! Joseph is unhappy in the car! My husband consoles him as best as you can in the backseat of a car. Needless to say, no one is happy at this point. I ended up getting called back into a room. As I wait, I get to read a magazine! What, I have two free hands? Are you serious? Finally, the doctor comes in and she tells me that the area doesn't look infected but she worked on the area and then told me to take some probiotics, stop the glucophage and the prenatal I was taking because it has a stool softener in it, and add some Immodium to see if the bowel issue improves and try a new prenatal. I was so relieved and I will see her again next week. She asked me to call her if the bowel issue doesn't improve because of me giving him breastmilk this is a concern and we don't want there to be something I can pass on to him. I am not giong to ask if this can be harder because I know that others are successfully dealing with much bigger challenges. It can always be worse and I don't need to experience it to know that life can be even harder.
So I finally get to leave the doctors office and relieve my husband. We decide to go to Wal,greens following one another so that I can run in while he sits in the car with Joseph. I make it there and run in and was on a mission. Probiotics for me and and the suppository for Joseph. That was it. No taking my time to stroll down the aisles. Get what I need and GO! I asked the pharmacy people to tell me where those items are and they actually tell me that are not sure. What? Then when I ask them to find out they tell me the wrong aisle. So I wait for the manager to help me and then when I finally find it, I quickly check out and head to the car.
I walk as fast as I can to the car and when I get there my husband has Joseph in his arms and a horrid look on his face and tells me "We have a CODE RED! He had a blowout!" Talk about answered prayers and Murphy's Law. I literally just bought the suppositories and thankfully I did not need to use them! Praise God in heaven!!!
Yes, that is how I ended up sitting cross-legged on the floor of the women's bathroom in Wal,greens. Joseph relieved himself finally and it was not pretty! I sort of felt guilty leaving that nasty diaper in their trash can. For some reason there is not changing station in wal,greens' bathroom so I had to lay down his blanket and change him. It took almost all the wipes I had in his bag to clean him and his legs :) It was the worst diaper that I was so thankful to change.
I ran into the manager on my way out and we had a quick laugh that I no longer needed the item he just helped me find! When I find my way outside again to meet my husband who is still waiting for us, I find him airing up my back tire. No, there is no limit to our worries these days.
So, by now it is time to feed Joseph again. I feed him & burp him in the parking lot crammed in the backseat. At least he was much happier this feeding time :) He had lots of room in his tummy!
Now, today has definitely been memorable and I feel like I have been branded into my new role as a Mom. Being Joseph's Mom has not been all I imagined, there are moments that have exceeded all of my expectations and even cleaning up poo while sitting on the floor of a public bathroom made me so thankful for being a Mom, finally.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Joseph
is already one month old!
Where does the time go?
I just added a new picture on the side bar!
We love you, little one!
Where does the time go?
I just added a new picture on the side bar!
We love you, little one!
Pathetic, but Thankful!
Thursday evening/night and Friday morning were ROUGH at our little house.
Joseph was miserable and we were able to console him, but it took great measures and there were very brief times of rest for any of us! We were working on fumes and the thing was the week was long for us, but this just put us over on the "ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS STAGE" mode.
Some things that caused a huge worry for me at this time were my milk seemed to have disappeared, in one breast particularly and I was convinced that my milk was making him sick. He was very cranky and gassy and he had little red spots all around his chin/upper chest/back of neck. Then when he would be awake, he was crying! Not little whimpers, cries that just broke my heart. We needed to get him some relief, but we really felt like imposters trying to be good parents. We were fumbling our way though it! Looking back on it now, we have a different perspective, but in the moment, it felt like it would last forever. I felt powerless in trying to meet his needs and all I could do was rock him and help him get any rest he could.
He slept from 12:40 am until 3 am, then from 5 am until 7 am, and then from 9 am until 9:40 am. Then I was trying to pump in between his sleep so we would have his next meal ready. I was emotional from the lack of sleep and then got upset with myself for just wanting a better balance - I begged GOD for this, what is wrong with me! I can sleep in 20 years, right?
So anyway, when I had a few moments of quiet - he was asleep on my chest, I called a friend of mine back and when I heard her encouraging voice, I caved and shared my distress. I was so thankful to have someone who understood that time of waiting and receiving and riding the tough moments out to wait for the next good ones :) She is one has been a huge encourager and prayer warrior for our family and I am so grateful to have someone listen, but she even came by my house to bring us some things and show Joseph some love. I felt like I was so pathetic, but so thankful to have a friend who cared so much for us. She brought us some helpful things and she has the same pediatrician for her child so she can share helpful advice that she learned from the pediatrician in raising her sweet daughter.
A few moments later after that phone call, another friend of ours called to say that she would not be able to come by on Friday evening with her kids because her youngest child was sick with a fever and that they would come another time. Well, as I am talking to her she hears my stuffy nose and finds out how little sleep we have gotten lately and decides to get her mom to watch her kids and she pops over to the house for about 3 hours to visit and let me take a nap. I was able to sleep for about an hour and it was such a peaceful rest because I was not worried about Joseph, I knew he was in good hands. It was incredibly hard to step away from him, even for an hour, but I did it so that I could be better for him. It was just enough time to re-energize me and it helped me make it through the evening.
We ended up using some advice from my friend about giving Joseph about 2 drops of mylecon before each feeding and by the grace of God there was no huge crying discomfort spells last night. Each time he fell asleep, he slept for almost 3 hrs each! My husband and I feel so refreshed! I ended up sleeping so hard, my husband was waking up first to hear him. Even this morning, I slept when he slept and I finally feel like a real person.
I never thought I would be so thankful that all of my friends had their babies before we had our Joseph! I am so blessed to learn from their wisdom and encouragement that these stages will pass!
Today, Joseph is already 1 month old! It makes me a bit sad, then I realized this is a huge milestone and I am so thankful that is doing better!
He is a happy baby today! Thank you Jesus!
We have been covered in prayer and we are forever grateful for that!
The milk production improved a bit, but we did supplement yesterday. The fussiness and red spots could have been from a pizza we ate on Wednesday night and I ate some leftovers on Thursday for lunch! Apparently, the pizza sauce caused him misery (or so that is what we are trying to blame). So I am trying to cut out dairy (the major sources), chocolate, and tomato based foods. Salads make both of us miserable as well as orange juice, so it is fun to figure out what to eat these days, but whatever it takes we will try at this point.
I am no longer sad to supplement and I am no longer putting huge pressure on myself for pumping. I simply cannot pump every two hours for 10 minutes when I am alone with Joseph and he is fussy. I want to enjoy all of the moments with him and when pumping can work, I will do it. I have allowed myself to know that God will give me the means to care for Joseph! God will walk me down this pathway to being a good Mom. He will teach me, along with his Mother being a good example for me. We will take it one moment at a time. That is all God expects of us and he is the one who has given us this vocation!
Joseph was miserable and we were able to console him, but it took great measures and there were very brief times of rest for any of us! We were working on fumes and the thing was the week was long for us, but this just put us over on the "ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS STAGE" mode.
Some things that caused a huge worry for me at this time were my milk seemed to have disappeared, in one breast particularly and I was convinced that my milk was making him sick. He was very cranky and gassy and he had little red spots all around his chin/upper chest/back of neck. Then when he would be awake, he was crying! Not little whimpers, cries that just broke my heart. We needed to get him some relief, but we really felt like imposters trying to be good parents. We were fumbling our way though it! Looking back on it now, we have a different perspective, but in the moment, it felt like it would last forever. I felt powerless in trying to meet his needs and all I could do was rock him and help him get any rest he could.
He slept from 12:40 am until 3 am, then from 5 am until 7 am, and then from 9 am until 9:40 am. Then I was trying to pump in between his sleep so we would have his next meal ready. I was emotional from the lack of sleep and then got upset with myself for just wanting a better balance - I begged GOD for this, what is wrong with me! I can sleep in 20 years, right?
So anyway, when I had a few moments of quiet - he was asleep on my chest, I called a friend of mine back and when I heard her encouraging voice, I caved and shared my distress. I was so thankful to have someone who understood that time of waiting and receiving and riding the tough moments out to wait for the next good ones :) She is one has been a huge encourager and prayer warrior for our family and I am so grateful to have someone listen, but she even came by my house to bring us some things and show Joseph some love. I felt like I was so pathetic, but so thankful to have a friend who cared so much for us. She brought us some helpful things and she has the same pediatrician for her child so she can share helpful advice that she learned from the pediatrician in raising her sweet daughter.
A few moments later after that phone call, another friend of ours called to say that she would not be able to come by on Friday evening with her kids because her youngest child was sick with a fever and that they would come another time. Well, as I am talking to her she hears my stuffy nose and finds out how little sleep we have gotten lately and decides to get her mom to watch her kids and she pops over to the house for about 3 hours to visit and let me take a nap. I was able to sleep for about an hour and it was such a peaceful rest because I was not worried about Joseph, I knew he was in good hands. It was incredibly hard to step away from him, even for an hour, but I did it so that I could be better for him. It was just enough time to re-energize me and it helped me make it through the evening.
We ended up using some advice from my friend about giving Joseph about 2 drops of mylecon before each feeding and by the grace of God there was no huge crying discomfort spells last night. Each time he fell asleep, he slept for almost 3 hrs each! My husband and I feel so refreshed! I ended up sleeping so hard, my husband was waking up first to hear him. Even this morning, I slept when he slept and I finally feel like a real person.
I never thought I would be so thankful that all of my friends had their babies before we had our Joseph! I am so blessed to learn from their wisdom and encouragement that these stages will pass!
Today, Joseph is already 1 month old! It makes me a bit sad, then I realized this is a huge milestone and I am so thankful that is doing better!
He is a happy baby today! Thank you Jesus!
We have been covered in prayer and we are forever grateful for that!
The milk production improved a bit, but we did supplement yesterday. The fussiness and red spots could have been from a pizza we ate on Wednesday night and I ate some leftovers on Thursday for lunch! Apparently, the pizza sauce caused him misery (or so that is what we are trying to blame). So I am trying to cut out dairy (the major sources), chocolate, and tomato based foods. Salads make both of us miserable as well as orange juice, so it is fun to figure out what to eat these days, but whatever it takes we will try at this point.
I am no longer sad to supplement and I am no longer putting huge pressure on myself for pumping. I simply cannot pump every two hours for 10 minutes when I am alone with Joseph and he is fussy. I want to enjoy all of the moments with him and when pumping can work, I will do it. I have allowed myself to know that God will give me the means to care for Joseph! God will walk me down this pathway to being a good Mom. He will teach me, along with his Mother being a good example for me. We will take it one moment at a time. That is all God expects of us and he is the one who has given us this vocation!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Quiet Moments
In the quiet moments of pumping I try to make a point to pray.
I pray about many things, primarily for Joseph's health, vocation, and future.
I pray for my husband as he rejoices in living out his fatherhood to Joseph and that God will continue to bless him with the strength to embrace his new vocation.
I pray for myself. I need lots of prayers, especially when I would rather be sleeping while Joseph is sleeping instead of pumping, but I remind myself that for the time being I am his life source and I have to get his next meal ready.
I ask for the intercession of many of the saints.
I ask God to bless all of the women in this faith community with the growing family they desire.
I prayer for our godchildren.
Yet, the last several times as I am watching the clock, my eyes have been drawn to Jesus on the Cross right above my husband's alarm clock.
The cross, the one Jesus died on for me to show his love for me is now showing me how to lay down my life for Joseph.
It all began on the day of Joseph's birth.
I was incredibly afraid to have the c-section. I knew I wanted to have my baby born safely and that was our best way to accomplish that. I was more afraid of the meds needed to allow my body to not feel the pain of the procedure. I was able to hear his heartbeat as I waited for his birth so that helped buoy my confidience that he would be okay. Everyone was incredible in helping me and my husband that day. I never felt so loved by complete stangers before in my life. The nurse that stayed by my side and the anethelogist were amazing. The nurse held me in a bear hug as I received the meds in my spine and the anethologist kept me going when they pulled my husband away to care for Joseph. They were amazing. When I heard Joseph's first cry, I cried huge tears of joy and they kept coming. I knew I would cry when I would hear him cry, but I did not know how complete I would feel at that moment. I kept crying for awhile, even upon seeing his precious face. I often wondered why my tears lasted for days in joy for him. I decided that when we lost Nicky and Sam I felt that very deeply and I felt this joy of new birth with Joseph just as deeply and there were tears for that, too! As deeply as I felt grief, I equally felt deep abiding joy. The way I was positioned for the birth of Joseph was in the same fashion that Jesus was crucified on the cross. I was laid out and at some point they put each of my arms on a ledge and braced them down. I think it was at that exact moment that the fear depated - once I realized that this mment was necessary to bring new life - our own son - into the world! God gave me that grace! I was able to lay down my life and fear with great love for Joseph -priceless!
Last night as I looked at the cross I learned something different! I reflected on the three wounds of Jesus and realized I have my own three wounds/scars from preparing for baby Joseph. Not all of them were voluntary, but they were all necessary and worth it.
The first came from my laparotomy in Sept 2008!
The second came from the ruptured ectopic pregnancy and removal f my left tube in May 2009.
The third is the still healing incision from the c-section for Joseph's miraculous birth!
God has been incredibly generous to us!
I pray about many things, primarily for Joseph's health, vocation, and future.
I pray for my husband as he rejoices in living out his fatherhood to Joseph and that God will continue to bless him with the strength to embrace his new vocation.
I pray for myself. I need lots of prayers, especially when I would rather be sleeping while Joseph is sleeping instead of pumping, but I remind myself that for the time being I am his life source and I have to get his next meal ready.
I ask for the intercession of many of the saints.
I ask God to bless all of the women in this faith community with the growing family they desire.
I prayer for our godchildren.
Yet, the last several times as I am watching the clock, my eyes have been drawn to Jesus on the Cross right above my husband's alarm clock.
The cross, the one Jesus died on for me to show his love for me is now showing me how to lay down my life for Joseph.
It all began on the day of Joseph's birth.
I was incredibly afraid to have the c-section. I knew I wanted to have my baby born safely and that was our best way to accomplish that. I was more afraid of the meds needed to allow my body to not feel the pain of the procedure. I was able to hear his heartbeat as I waited for his birth so that helped buoy my confidience that he would be okay. Everyone was incredible in helping me and my husband that day. I never felt so loved by complete stangers before in my life. The nurse that stayed by my side and the anethelogist were amazing. The nurse held me in a bear hug as I received the meds in my spine and the anethologist kept me going when they pulled my husband away to care for Joseph. They were amazing. When I heard Joseph's first cry, I cried huge tears of joy and they kept coming. I knew I would cry when I would hear him cry, but I did not know how complete I would feel at that moment. I kept crying for awhile, even upon seeing his precious face. I often wondered why my tears lasted for days in joy for him. I decided that when we lost Nicky and Sam I felt that very deeply and I felt this joy of new birth with Joseph just as deeply and there were tears for that, too! As deeply as I felt grief, I equally felt deep abiding joy. The way I was positioned for the birth of Joseph was in the same fashion that Jesus was crucified on the cross. I was laid out and at some point they put each of my arms on a ledge and braced them down. I think it was at that exact moment that the fear depated - once I realized that this mment was necessary to bring new life - our own son - into the world! God gave me that grace! I was able to lay down my life and fear with great love for Joseph -priceless!
Last night as I looked at the cross I learned something different! I reflected on the three wounds of Jesus and realized I have my own three wounds/scars from preparing for baby Joseph. Not all of them were voluntary, but they were all necessary and worth it.
The first came from my laparotomy in Sept 2008!
The second came from the ruptured ectopic pregnancy and removal f my left tube in May 2009.
The third is the still healing incision from the c-section for Joseph's miraculous birth!
God has been incredibly generous to us!
Is this my life?
During the night I catch a glimpse of what is on my nightstand, in the shadows of the light from the alarm clock and what I see is a nasal aspirator and a Soo.thie pacifier. My heart overflowed with joy at that exact moment.
I do have some trying times of learning how to best meet Joseph's needs, primarily due to the reflux because the majority of our day revolves around feeding and then the holding upright for a 1/2 hour. He is a wonderful baby and we are so grateful to have him be a part of our family. We are settling into a somewhat pattern of eat, sleep, poo :) The biggest challenge for me is finding time to pump and clean those doggone bottles that is a necessary part of feeding sweet Joseph. I was having trouble getting my milk, but we just live one bottle pumped at a time and then we will just roll with the punches. It is really the best that I can do at this time. I would much rather spend my time playing and holding him rather than pumping and the whole idea of sleeping when they sleep might be great for others, but it is hard for me to accomplish. That is when I can eat, shower, or even go through the mail, etc.
We thought that we had colic issues, too. Thankfully, I think we were wrong. In some way or another, we can always console him, praise God. I do alot of holding and I am not sure if I should be putting him down more, but he doesn't like being down for long. Even in the swing or bouncy chair, he gets a bit restless. In order to sleep, even for a cat nap he has to be swaddled - thankfully we can do this for him.
The N/ap Nanny seems to help him sleep better and for longer periods of time and that means Mama gets to get some rest, too.
During the day, I am so busy caring for him, I have not managed to return many calls, do any thank you cards, or accomplish much of anything. During the week, I was able to cook two suppers and then I tried to make some oatmeal cookies which I hope helped to produce more milk. It seems like such a huge accomplishment when I am able to do at least one-two loads of laundry in between his naps!
I have yet to really go anywhere public with him yet, I am just so cautious to avoid him getting sick and the weather is not so much fun right now in promoting outings with one so small. I am going a bit stir crazy and I miss seeing other people, espceically my friends. My family makes odd comments about Joseph and just seems to cause me to worry more and enjoy their presence less. This makes me sad.
I have gotten to the point that I am so lonely or feeling so isolated that I turn on the tv for noise. That is not me at all. I am learning to adapt. This baby is worth it and when we are able to come and go as we like, look out Tar.get and even my sweet friends who have offered to let us visit them as soon as we are ready to get out of the house.
Even though I am pumping and feeding Joseph with a bottle, I am still the only one feeding him. My husband fed him once for me and I missed it. He did it so I could actually have two hands to eat. That particular day I hadn't managed to eat much and it was late and that affects my milk. Some days we just do what works, that is all we can manage right now. It doesn't help that my husband is now working longer hours and so he might get about 2-3 hours at home for awake time and he is missing Joseph. When he is home, it makes such a difference. He is phenomenal on helping me have all that I need to make each moment easier. I love him so much!
I do have some trying times of learning how to best meet Joseph's needs, primarily due to the reflux because the majority of our day revolves around feeding and then the holding upright for a 1/2 hour. He is a wonderful baby and we are so grateful to have him be a part of our family. We are settling into a somewhat pattern of eat, sleep, poo :) The biggest challenge for me is finding time to pump and clean those doggone bottles that is a necessary part of feeding sweet Joseph. I was having trouble getting my milk, but we just live one bottle pumped at a time and then we will just roll with the punches. It is really the best that I can do at this time. I would much rather spend my time playing and holding him rather than pumping and the whole idea of sleeping when they sleep might be great for others, but it is hard for me to accomplish. That is when I can eat, shower, or even go through the mail, etc.
We thought that we had colic issues, too. Thankfully, I think we were wrong. In some way or another, we can always console him, praise God. I do alot of holding and I am not sure if I should be putting him down more, but he doesn't like being down for long. Even in the swing or bouncy chair, he gets a bit restless. In order to sleep, even for a cat nap he has to be swaddled - thankfully we can do this for him.
The N/ap Nanny seems to help him sleep better and for longer periods of time and that means Mama gets to get some rest, too.
During the day, I am so busy caring for him, I have not managed to return many calls, do any thank you cards, or accomplish much of anything. During the week, I was able to cook two suppers and then I tried to make some oatmeal cookies which I hope helped to produce more milk. It seems like such a huge accomplishment when I am able to do at least one-two loads of laundry in between his naps!
I have yet to really go anywhere public with him yet, I am just so cautious to avoid him getting sick and the weather is not so much fun right now in promoting outings with one so small. I am going a bit stir crazy and I miss seeing other people, espceically my friends. My family makes odd comments about Joseph and just seems to cause me to worry more and enjoy their presence less. This makes me sad.
I have gotten to the point that I am so lonely or feeling so isolated that I turn on the tv for noise. That is not me at all. I am learning to adapt. This baby is worth it and when we are able to come and go as we like, look out Tar.get and even my sweet friends who have offered to let us visit them as soon as we are ready to get out of the house.
Even though I am pumping and feeding Joseph with a bottle, I am still the only one feeding him. My husband fed him once for me and I missed it. He did it so I could actually have two hands to eat. That particular day I hadn't managed to eat much and it was late and that affects my milk. Some days we just do what works, that is all we can manage right now. It doesn't help that my husband is now working longer hours and so he might get about 2-3 hours at home for awake time and he is missing Joseph. When he is home, it makes such a difference. He is phenomenal on helping me have all that I need to make each moment easier. I love him so much!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Let me just say . . .
I love being Joseph's mommy. Even when he is in distress, he quieted down to my voice today. Praise God!
What I wish I knew . . .
I wish someone would have been able to explain to me how desperately helpless I would feel when my baby is crying and I have done everything possible to relieve his suffering and still come up short. He has reflux and while I never would have imagined it would be that difficult to overcome, feedings are so hard for him and for me.
Today seems to be a bit better. I am pumping and putting milk in bottles, around 2 oz each and the doctor told me to add 1 tsp of rice cereal to each oz of breast milk we give him to help make the milk heavier to aid gravity. I really disliked having to add cereal to the bottles at this young age for him. I struggle with it each time I prepare his meals. Then I have no idea what to eat anymore, I keep thinking that I had big issues with gas and reflux during my pregnancy and it only is natural that he will have to face these issues, but I just don't seem to have the answers I need to make his life better yet.
The doctor also told us to elevate his bed or bassinet to an incline of thirty degrees at the head, but that did not work for the bassinet. So we got the nap nanny and I have been able to get him to sleep in it at night for 2-3 hours at a time (on a good moment) if he is SWADDLED ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY! Even with the addition of the meds, keeping him upright at all feedings, holding him upright for 1/2 hour after each feeding, changing his diaper right before each feeding, and waiting at least 1/2 hour after each feeding to make another diaper change as needed the reflux is still a present although there is some improvement.
Today when I called to tell the nurse that last night he soiled his daiper 3 times very badly in 30 minutes which was proceeded with cries that would break anyones heart and those cries lasted too long - our poor baby boy! She suggested we burp him at every 1/2 oz. Iwas doing it at every oz. I was crying with him crying in my arms. I could not take away his pain, all I could do was be there and hold him close through it all until it passed. My husband was equally miserable not being able to relieve his discomfort. I can't see us finding the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I know the light is there and we will find our way to it!
We will survive this stage. . . we will!!!!!
During the night, I am offering up so much for the families that are desiring to grow!
The doctor says he will outgrow the reflux in about 6-7 mo. I am both encouraged and discouraged at this.
Right now he is resting peacefully in my other arm, oh - how I love this boy! He is my most precios gift! The lessons I am learning about God's love for us is priceless.
Today seems to be a bit better. I am pumping and putting milk in bottles, around 2 oz each and the doctor told me to add 1 tsp of rice cereal to each oz of breast milk we give him to help make the milk heavier to aid gravity. I really disliked having to add cereal to the bottles at this young age for him. I struggle with it each time I prepare his meals. Then I have no idea what to eat anymore, I keep thinking that I had big issues with gas and reflux during my pregnancy and it only is natural that he will have to face these issues, but I just don't seem to have the answers I need to make his life better yet.
The doctor also told us to elevate his bed or bassinet to an incline of thirty degrees at the head, but that did not work for the bassinet. So we got the nap nanny and I have been able to get him to sleep in it at night for 2-3 hours at a time (on a good moment) if he is SWADDLED ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY! Even with the addition of the meds, keeping him upright at all feedings, holding him upright for 1/2 hour after each feeding, changing his diaper right before each feeding, and waiting at least 1/2 hour after each feeding to make another diaper change as needed the reflux is still a present although there is some improvement.
Today when I called to tell the nurse that last night he soiled his daiper 3 times very badly in 30 minutes which was proceeded with cries that would break anyones heart and those cries lasted too long - our poor baby boy! She suggested we burp him at every 1/2 oz. Iwas doing it at every oz. I was crying with him crying in my arms. I could not take away his pain, all I could do was be there and hold him close through it all until it passed. My husband was equally miserable not being able to relieve his discomfort. I can't see us finding the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I know the light is there and we will find our way to it!
We will survive this stage. . . we will!!!!!
During the night, I am offering up so much for the families that are desiring to grow!
The doctor says he will outgrow the reflux in about 6-7 mo. I am both encouraged and discouraged at this.
Right now he is resting peacefully in my other arm, oh - how I love this boy! He is my most precios gift! The lessons I am learning about God's love for us is priceless.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Rough Patch
We have managed to survive the last 4 days. It has just been rough.
I used to think that I was good with babies, but when you have your own it feels like anything you might have known has just left your sad, forgetful, dead tired brain!
It has been rough because Joseph has been diagnosed with GERD. He has been so miserable and that has in turn made us so sad, tired, and desperate to find something to work to help him rest, eat well, and breathe well.
It has been so hard. I am not complaining, but thanking God for getting us through one more meal and one more day. Thankfully, this has not been our reality for the whole time he has been born, it just seemed to develop over the weekend. It peaked on Monday morning and I made a desperate attempt to call our pediatrician and she got us in right away and was most helpful and completely understood our fears about the breathing, choking of spit up, etc. She totally validated us, but it was so hard to go get a prescription for little newborn. He takes it well, but is still barely sleeping. She gave a great list of new "to do's". One step at a time.
I met with a nurse today for something else and she could see his labored breathing after a feeding and saw the despeartion and fear in my eyes, she mentioned the nap nanny and so I drove an extra 1/2 hour to buy one and handed over some hefty money for hope that he can rest better.
I was so fearful putting him to sleep last night. I had to surrender him to God and trust that God has a long life and future full of hope for him. I pray over him all day long. It will get better, I do beleive it, but please keep him in your prayers. I am surviving on about 3 hours of sleep total for the last two days. Even with some help, my guard never goes down.
I need to get off of here to go rest while my husband can keep an eye on baby Joesph.
Prayers for you all. I am offering up lots of special sacrifices for all of you and your special intentions!
I used to think that I was good with babies, but when you have your own it feels like anything you might have known has just left your sad, forgetful, dead tired brain!
It has been rough because Joseph has been diagnosed with GERD. He has been so miserable and that has in turn made us so sad, tired, and desperate to find something to work to help him rest, eat well, and breathe well.
It has been so hard. I am not complaining, but thanking God for getting us through one more meal and one more day. Thankfully, this has not been our reality for the whole time he has been born, it just seemed to develop over the weekend. It peaked on Monday morning and I made a desperate attempt to call our pediatrician and she got us in right away and was most helpful and completely understood our fears about the breathing, choking of spit up, etc. She totally validated us, but it was so hard to go get a prescription for little newborn. He takes it well, but is still barely sleeping. She gave a great list of new "to do's". One step at a time.
I met with a nurse today for something else and she could see his labored breathing after a feeding and saw the despeartion and fear in my eyes, she mentioned the nap nanny and so I drove an extra 1/2 hour to buy one and handed over some hefty money for hope that he can rest better.
I was so fearful putting him to sleep last night. I had to surrender him to God and trust that God has a long life and future full of hope for him. I pray over him all day long. It will get better, I do beleive it, but please keep him in your prayers. I am surviving on about 3 hours of sleep total for the last two days. Even with some help, my guard never goes down.
I need to get off of here to go rest while my husband can keep an eye on baby Joesph.
Prayers for you all. I am offering up lots of special sacrifices for all of you and your special intentions!
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