What a difference a year makes!

I have just a few minutes to write a few reflections down since my sweet husband brought Joseph to his bassinet for me.

Joseph is doing well, praise God! Each day with him is a miracle and somehow learning to be a parent to a newborn is getting easier. We are learning each other and it is a beautiful thing to know how to comfort your baby. For so long we prayed for him and dreamed of days with him, so it is just surreal to really be holding your dreams in your arms.

Last year at this time he was our dream - our prayer. This year we are praying to learn how to meet his needs quickly, to be able to comfort him and to make sure he knows us and the deep abiding love and devotion we have for him being a part of our family.

Being a new mom was hard for me, not because I did not like the sacrifice but because I had to let alot of ideals go. I had to set aside some things because they just did not work for him. We had to discern, pray, and trust that God was leading us in certain ways to care for him. We are so happy he is a healthy and happy baby. He tends to only get fussy if he is fighting his sleep and with diaper changes. I don't really know why he dislikes the diaper changes so much, but he quiets immediatley once he is covered and swaddled :) He has his momma's unhappy cry when she doesn't get what she wants and it breaks my heart.

I love being his Mom and I can still say that I am still wondering how God has brought us here.

Exactly 9 months before he was born, we went to a healing mass. It was that night that I felt my ovaries feeling like they were burning inside of me. Not a terrible pain, just a sensation that was present thought the mass. At the end of the mass, the priest from Rwanda said that someone with my condition/medical concern (IF) was healed. We found out exactly one month later that I was pregnant. So, March 15, April 15, and December 15, 2010 are all very special days to us.

One of the reasons I think that parenting has been more challenging than I expected is because we had some curveballs thrown at us in regard to feeding. Joseph had a difficult time latching on at the hospital and therefore breastfeeding became a frustration for him and when I realized that my idea of how I would feed my baby would not be all roses, I was very emotional about it. We ended up having to supplement with formula for awhile until I could get a good pump and I am pumping exclusively but it is very tiring and hard emotionally and physically. Only after about a week into it, did we realize there was a physical reason he was not able to latch well. It turns out that he has a far, deep palate and my food source for him is not long enough. We are trying to extend these, but it hasn't happened yet. My husband has been so amazaingly supportive through this in helping me find shortcuts by preparing the stuff I need to pump and helping me find time to pump. It has been helpful that he has been off for the last week. I am a bit spoiled with his support right now. I was able to have one of my aunts come over for two days while my husband had to return to work for awhile, but she was here mainly to bring Joseph and I to his well baby visit. My mom is unable to help in the ways we need right now, so we tell her we just need lots of prayers. She has a hard time understanding how difficult it is to feed a newborn this way. We have not even told my in-laws about the feeding because they tend to set me off in ways that are not life-giving for my family. So I am choosing my battles right now.

Anyway, I was not meaning to sound unappreciative of the miracle of our newest family member, but I don't want to say that all is perfectly fine when we are honestly blindly feeling our way around this new vocation we have been blessed with in being Joseph's parents. Sometimes when I am holding him, I forget to talk to him in verbal words because there is just so much my heart is telling him and God about the gratefulness I am experiencing.

In addition to the blessing of little Joseph - my husband and I received another blessing yesterday in being able to have Stacey (from Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility) and her family over to our home to meet Joseph and to let us meet their precious new miracle, Lily. Both of these children were brought to our families in a most miraculous way and we both prayed fervently for one another during our miracle pregnancies. It was such a joy to be in their presence and to see how love and the addition of their daughter has changed their lives. To see answered prayers in the flesh is priceless. I cannot find the right words to express it. The blogs have been such a blessing to me and I am grateful for the amazing friendships God has blessed me with through them. We have seen so many miracles brought about by our prayers for one another and we are still praying for even more miracles to surprise us in 2011!

I am unable to add pictures to my blog right now for some reason, but if you are one of my fb friends, go check out new pictures we have of him.

Blessings to you all this New Year's Eve! Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day as we celebrate my husband's birthday with him being able to hold his son in his arms. His birthday wishes for many years have come true! Praise God!

Our First Christmas

Last night and in the wee hours of this morning, I found myself in tears simply from the awe that we are miraculously a new family of three.

My heart is so overjoyed. I cannot even begin to describe the joy my heart is feeling.

Our new life as a momma and daddy has been challenging, but we are so grateful that we have God as our companion to help us discern how to meet Joseph's needs. He is doing well, resting well, and eating well (after some adjustments)! He is the most spectacular miracle I have ever experienced.

He is the answer to so many prayers & offered sacrifices. Everyone who visited us in the hospital and once we arrived home have met Joseph with tears in their eyes beacuse we have all just had to so much faith trust was going to join our family one day.

I am just so thankful to be Joseph's Mommy. Not just anyone's mommy, but Joseph's Mommy!

My husband has been so faithful, loving, and patient! I have fallen more in love with him in the last 10 days and I never knew that my love for him could grow to these amazing proportions.

I hope to share the story of meeting Joseph for the first time soon! We are smitten! We are so blessed and feel so grateful for God entrusting this little soul to us.

The weather is not great for getting a newborn out, so we are going to cuddle up and stay home today. My mom is a bit disappointed, but understands. We hope to bring him to see her soon, once the weather warms a bit! I am so protective and do not wish to have a sick baby on our hands. He deserves us to make good choices for him and so far God has led us to make the best decisions for him and his health, praise God!

Merry Christmas Catholic Mutt!

I had the amazing honor of praying for Catholic Mutt!!!!

She is a fantastic woman of God and I loved reading her blog during the Advent season, knowing that I was able to personally beg God to comfort her heart. I did a Novena to St. Lucy asking God to help her discern God's will for her life and her vocation. Also, the Novena prayer asked St. Lucy to intercede in helping one see clearly ~ which is what ultimately led me to that novena based on her special prayer request.

I was also able to offer up many prayers on the day Joseph was born. I had lots of fears of the scheduled c-section and the whole prep for it (meds, etc.) and then I was able to offer up many sacrifices once we returned home as I was healing and learning how to be a mother to a precious newborn. We had significant feeding issues so my tears, worries, and never ending trying was also offered up for you, Catholic Mutt.

Wishing you a holy & happy Christmas - you do deserve the best!!!

Shower Pictures

Full of joy & Joseph!

These are some wonderful pictures from our shower that my dear friend, Maria, took for us at our baby shower for Joseph!

I wish it did not take me so long to post these pictures, but now seems like as good a time as any to share them!

My favorite onsies!!! Thanks Maria!

My heart was overwhelmed with gratitude just seeing everyone who wanted to celebrate Joseph with us!

I could not stop crying when I walked into the door for the shower! I had already prayed 2 rosaries and spent time in adoration before coming to the shower but I could not believe that I was going to a shower to celebrate a life growing in my belly! My heart did constant flip flops throughout the afternoon!

I was so thrilled to see Lynn!

Yummy food!

Showered in love!!!

Flowers added that special touch and reminded me of my prayer companion, St. Therese!

My wonderful friend, Michelle, wrote a poem that Carrie read about lighting a candle in prayer for Jospeh when he was born. There was not a dry eye in the room after the poem was read and every guest took a candle home and prayed for Joseph on his birth-day!

Little diapers filled with nuts :) My mom and aunt made these!

Little pacifiers!

Best cake balls ever!!! Thanks Maria & Carrie!

The cake was so yummy and rich!!! I did not check my sugar after this!

No baby boy in LA can live without his own camo alligator :) Thanks Laurie!

My favorite homemade quilt made by my favorite lady, Lynn!

He has worn this onsie out! His daddy loves it!

Everyone brought a book to build up Joseph's library and this is one of my favorites!

Joseph was definitely worth the wait! I love that little boy who was kicking me that day! Sometimes it does not even seem real that I am his momma and that I was ever pregnant!

Michelle, me, Carrie, and Kim! Joseph is so loved by these three ladies!

What a fun photo!!! There really is a baby in there!!!

My sister-in-laws, Crystal & Tiffany, and my mother in law, Peggy.

We are on top of the world!!! I feel like we are in the movie "up" with all the balloons! Our hearts were so light, it felt like we were flying above the clouds!

A dream come true!

Coming Home

Momma & Daddy are scheduled to bring their New Amazing Life home tomorrow.

What a long-awaited homecoming that will be!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Those who attended Joseph's Baby Shower were given this beautiful votive candle as a momento. Upon hearing the news of Joseph's birth, all were asked to light their candles and offer prayers of thanksgiving for his little life. Lots of little flames were flickering for that precious miracle this week. Thank you for joining in those special prayers.

Expect to hear from the new momma soon. Her DH is betting she'll be on the computer writing all of you back during Joseph's first nap at home! :)

Signing out ~ Maria (Living in Lewis Land)

Sweetness

Introducing.....

.....A NEW AMAZING LIFE!!!!!!!

Baby couldn't be more perfect and beautiful.

Momma is glowing, healthy and feeling blessed beyond measure.

Daddy is prouder than a peacock with a twinkle in his eye.

C & J are SO are so thankful for all the prayers and support you all have poured on them and their journey. I know she can't wait to share her perspective, her heart and more pictures once she gets home and settled.

Maria (Living in Lewis Land)

Tomorrow is D-Day!!!!!

Praise God - tomorrow is the big day and we are so joyful to be meeting our sweet boy tomorrow!

Prayers please :)

I am scheduled for a c-section at 7:30 am (CST) since he is not moving down and I think that I might (might) have had two contractions (BH) last Friday and that is it!

I cried tears of joy leaving the doctor's office and my husband thought it was because I was scared . . . nope, just tears of complete joy! We had just seen him doing well on the ultrasound and I was so relieved and grateful that we can meet him tomorrow! Please pray that all goes smoothly and the recovery is speedy! My other special prayer intention is that nursing will go well, especially given that we are having a scheduled c-section.

I will be praying for all of you and your special intentions and offering up all that I can!

God's Promise

"Before she comes to labor, she gives birth; Before the pains come upon her, she safely delivers a male child. Who ever heard of such a thing or saw the like? Can a country be brought forth in one day, or a nation be born in a single mment? Yet Zion is scarcely in labor when she gives birth to her children. Shall I bring a mother to the point of birth, and yet not let her child be born? says teh Lord; Or shall I who allow her to conceive, yet close her womb? says your God"

Isaiah 66:7-9

Very early in this miraculous pregnancy, God led me to this scripture passage. For the longest time I would just sit with it in prayer for many hours. I would wait for God to reveal a message to me . . . I kept coming back to it and now I am seeing it as God's promise to keep Joseph and I safe!

Thank you all for your prayers, please contine because I feel that this time is such a huge time for me to exhibit extreme faith! I find myself worried about movements and any trauma that can just come and knock me out - emotionally! Praise God for a faithful, loving, and present husband! I could not do this alone!

God of all life, I trust you!

Not much of an update and more!

Today I got to meet with my local doctor to see if my body is making any progress to indicate that delivery will be soon. Guess what I got . . . nada.

There is no dilation happening, no dropping of this baby - he is simply all snug as a bug in a rug. Sew, what exactly did you whisper to Hannah to encourage to want to see the light of day so quickly??? I need some pointers, haahaa! Just kidding.

I am really patient to a degree and want to trust my body and let it do things on its own, but the last few inches of my incision from the laparotomy is just terrible. It is terrible stretched and hurts at times. Plus this little guy is coming right in around 8 lbs which is not really large but the doctors both agree to not let me go past 39 weeks (which for my calculations will be 12/14 and their calculations, 12/18). The peri said that he would recommend they schedule for delivery to happen between 12/17-12/19. I just wonder how you can throw a date out there, but they are the doctors and I just want to be healthy and for Joseph to be healthy and thriving.

I really don't have a dream in mind of how I wanted to actually give birth to Joseph, I have always just dreamed of meeting him and seeing that he is alive and well! I have braced myself for a c-section, but as time approached found myself thrilled if a vaginal delivery was possible. I am not mentioning all of this so that I can get your opinions or views, I can't take those in or process anything negative right now. That being said I was a little suprised today to hear my doctor tell me that she really doesn't want me to suffer through an induction in the hopes that my body M-I-G-H-T catch up and allow a vaginal delivery even a long one and that would eventually lead to a c-section. She said that if I am not dilated or showing much progress, she strongly recommends that the c-section be scheduled without the induction. She said it would just be easier on my body that trying the induction and then having to resort to a c-section after so much wear on my body. I am glad that I had about a week to think about an induction and possible c-section before this was shown to me. The bottom line is that we trust our doctor and I know that without a shadow of a doubt she is preparing us this way so that the outcome is the most favorable one. We are both praying for a sudden change and that my body will start to prepare for the baby's birth in the most natural way possible.

So, really at the end of this appointment, I leave with a peace of mind and deep in my heart. I have spent the last 10 days or so freaked out about what to do for a L&D plan because I just never let myself go there before because of reasons I can't quite name and because my personality tends to not be one that feels the complete need to control this situation. When it comes to fertiltiy, health, sickness, and infertility, even childbirth and pregnancy - I knew that I am just on this ride that God has set out for me and not in driver's seat at all. No control here, hence my attitude of waiting this advent season. Just for the record, my sweet prayer buddy is being covered in graces from all the sacrifices I am making at this time!

I had the incredible pleasure of going to Mass to celebrate the Feast of the Immaculate Conception at our local Cathedral where Jessy and I were married 10 1/2 years ago. For some reason it did not occur to me that the crowd would be so much larger since it was a Feast Day for the Patron of the Parish, so I just loved being in the presence of so many faithful who really wanted to be there and who sung and prayed with all their hearts. It was surreal for me to walk down that long aisle to receive Jesus in the Eucharist with a baby clearly evident in my large belly. It was amazing and beyond beleif for me to receive Jesus and think that in a week or so I could be a Momma with a newborn in her arms. As the readings today remind us "Nothing is impossible with God!" I was moved to tears singing "Ave Maria" and hearing the words from the readings "your cousin Elizabeth, who was once called barren is now in her sixth month . . . " What a celebration of faith, mercy, goodness, and joy!

Knowing that the Bishop was greeting parishoners as they were leaving Mass, I hung behind and asked him to give Joseph a blessing. Knowing that Joseph will soon be born and the desire that I have for a blessed meeting on the day of his birth, a healthy and safe one . . . I deeply desired this blessing and the Bishop was thrilled to do provide one for our baby. Once again, peace reigned in my heart and I knew that whatever God has in store for us with the arrival of baby Joseph - all will be well and according to His divine will.

The single most important reason I did not want to schedule an induction/c-section was because I did not want my will, my doctor's will, or anyone else's will for that matter to determine the birth or birthday of our baby. I wanted God to choose that. That is why I was in such turmoil since my last visit with my local doctor. Then my husband reminded me to just "Trust". Trust God, trust my doctor, and trust my body. My husband has always led us by trust in God and he has never steered us wrong. So I am trusting. I am not more afraid, I am filled with peace and joy!

So then after the blessing from the Bishop, I made my way to the parking lot and so my friend and I got to chat with her for a few minutes and she was so encouraging - reminding me that a scheduled c-section is not the end of the world, that having a difficult vaginal delivery would not make me any better of a momma, and that c-sections babies are precious, too! Praise God for good friendships.

One day at a time, one kick count at a time :)

Praying for you all during this advent season. I gave myself permission to relax this advent season and not be to harsh on myself - I have been living my Advent for the last 10 years or so and for the the last nine months the meaning of Advent has taken on a whole new meaning!

Congratulations Sew!!!

Welcome to the world, Hannah Grace!!!

Update on the little girl

The sweet little girl that I requested prayers for passed away yesterday. Please continue to keep her and her family in your prayers. There is a tremendous amount of sadness surrounding them.

You better watch out, you better not cry!

I need to keep reminding myself of this and the following lines of not pouting!

I wrote a post yesterday about the fact that some crazy person has taken residence in my body - uninvited, of course.

I have been able to sleep at some points. I have been feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to be done - I wake up thinking about things that are not even essential at this time, but I keep thinking about them.

I also stay hungry - I wake up at 4 am, thinking of things to work on and end up thinking "What am I going to eat for lunch today?" I just lay in the dark, waiting for the sun to rise. I am able to take some naps here and there and that is very helpful. I am ready to go crawl back in bed now, but I have a very full day ahead.

I do have a visit with the perinatologist today. I am also planning to try to go to daily mass later since I ended up sleeping late yesterday and never went to the next town to go to mass. On the upsdie, tons of nesting was done yesterday. My low point yesterday was giving my husband a hard time over the dresser/changing table. It was a crazy time and I hated acting like a brat, but all I could think of at the time was that we may just have a week or so left before J's arrival and I want to not be more scatterbrained than we will have to be when those glorious days arrive.

Prayer buddy - thanks for your prayers! I need them :)

Advent Prayer from Pope Benedict - Prayer for Life

The other night, we were blessed with the opportunity to go to our local pregnancy crisis center's fundraising gala. We were both so excited, the friends who offered us tickets are so great and we were thrilled to go! The keynote speaker for the evening was Cardinal Raymond Burke and we were both touched so deeply and profoundly by being there listening to his affirmation for life. It was quite a different place to be, expecting a baby in the next few weeks. I don't know how to explain my reaction or my husband's reaction, but we were both so saddened, in a new level of our being that abortion is taking away precious lives while we have done everything possible to sustain and nurture the little one growing in me.

I have a copy of the Cardinal's keynote address, so email if you are interested in it.

Anyway, our local bishop, prayed the following prayer for Benediction and my heart just swelled with thankgiving - feeling like finally - no one is forgotten in this prayer for life!

THE HOLY FATHER'S PRAYER FOR LIFE



Lord Jesus, You who faithfully visit and fulfil with your Presence the Church and the history of men; You who in the miraculous Sacrament of your Body and Blood render us participants in divine Life and allow us a foretaste of the joy of eternal Life; We adore and bless you.



Prostrate before You, source and lover of Life, truly present and alive among us, we beg you:
Reawaken in us respect for every unborn life, make us capable of seeing in the fruit of the maternal womb the miraculous work of the Creator, open our hearts to generously welcoming every child that comes into life.



Bless all families, sanctify the union of spouses, render fruitful their love.
Accompany the choices of legislative assemblies with the light of your Spirit, so that peoples and nations may recognise and respect the sacred nature of life, of every human life.
Guide the work of scientists and doctors, so that all progress contributes to the integral well-being of the person, and no one endures suppression or injustice.



Gift creative charity to administrators and economists, so they may realise and promote sufficient conditions so that young families can serenely embrace the birth of new children
Console the married couples who suffer because they are unable to have children and in Your goodness provide for them.



Teach us all to care for orphaned or abandoned children, so they may experience the warmth of your Charity, the consolation of your divine Heart.



Together with Mary, Your Mother, the great believer, in whose womb you took on our human nature, we wait to receive from You, our Only True Good and Saviour, the strength to love and serve life, in anticipation of living forever in You, in communion with the Blessed Trinity.




Amen.

Reflections on the shower & more

I was so very emotional on the day of the shower for Baby Joseph. I remember thinking that for the last 10 years, I have gone to nearly every single baby shower for family and friends with tears in my eyes and my emotions on my sleeves and I am now going to one for our baby in the exact same emotional state.

I really never anticipated that the wonder and awe of reaching this moment in my life would create such a wide array of emotions, so I was surprised. I even had my husband take some time to pray a blessing over Joseph and I before we left home and he anointed us with Holy Water with the blessing. My heart did flip flops the whole way there and I was able to pray 2 rosaries while going there. I even had some extra time, so I went to my favorite little adoration chapel and prayed prayers of thanksgiving for baby Joseph and for the journey that led us to him. I prayed prayers for our blogging community and anyone who was suffering that day with the reality of loss and less than ideal fertility.

I remember walking in feeling like Sam and Nicky were both right there beside me, while Joseph rested peacefully under my heart. I cried. My tears caused others to cry - all tears of joy! Joy from being able to celebrate life! Joy to be able to celebrate new beginning! Joy from many answered prayers. The room was filled with the loving presence of my family's prayer warriors, that alone was worth celebrating!

Joseph's very existence shows the world that God does create goodness and joy from suffering and ashes. A year ago, I was suffering so much from the emotional grief of anticipating the arrival of our expected due date for Nicky that I was unbearable to be around. My focus was on God, but I could not find joy for a long time as I begged him to reveal his plan for our family and why it was necessary for my husband and I to suffer such a tragic loss after waiting so long for new life to be conceived from our love. It was on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe last year, 12-12-09, that God poured out his grace and mercy on me and allowed to me to experience peace in a very real way and approach the upcoming celebration of the birth of his Son, Jesus, with great and true joy. Now, nearly one year later, I am writing this feeling a growing boy in my womb. As undeserving as we are to be his parents, we are so grateful to know him so intimately already just because our love for him is already so great. I can't even imagine how much more in love we are going to be with him once we are able to know him even more fully and see in him the image of our God.

Still waiting, still trusting, and still filled with hope that we will meet this little guy soon and watch him grow up!

God, our Father, you are the author of life. We praise you and thank you for the life of Joseph and for preparing us to be his parents. We ask for your grace to be holy as we lead him to know you! Amen.

Sidenote:

I can't seem to get the pictures from the shower uploaded here, so if you are fb friends with me, you can find them there! Blessings to you all!