Sadness

Today was a sad day for me. I could not escape it. Someone who knows that pain of M/C sat right in front of my desk today and talked nonstop about her young unmarried daughter who had a baby girl the week after we lost our baby. I could almost handle it, until I found out that she knew that how bad it was for me and my husband. I had mentioned how grateful I was that Fr. Whitney (the priest who did our pre marriage counseling with us and officiated our wedding) came by to visit me and administer the annointing of the sick the day after my surgery and she told me that he told her he went to see me. She is his housekeeper. It was fine that she knew. No secret there, it is what Fr. Whitney told her that brought me so much pain. She said that Fr. Whitney told her how bad off I was at the time, but she told me that Fr. Whitney told her that they really need to pray for J because he was "really torn up about what happened." I don't mind them talking about me, but I did want them to talk about my husband and his wounded emotions. I thought I was the only one to really see his suffering heart. Why does life have to been this damn hard?
On the day of our anniversary, I was so determined to celebrate our love for one another and how lucky we are to have one another. Yet, when I checked my mail that afternoon, I got all of the medical records I requested from my recent hospitalization. Well the description of my last ultrasound on my baby's feast day, I was slapped in the face. I read that they could see the fetal pole and CARDIAC ACTIVITY! I can't get that out of my mind. They calculated the baby to be 6w2d old based on the crown to rump measurements. This is the only real description I have of my baby. I really thought that the baby, Nicky, really had already been surrendered to God before my surgery and I am haunted by what I imagine. I know that there is no way Nicky could grow and develop in the position they were in, but I am being haunted nonetheless. The only consolation that I had that day was being fully immersed in knowing that God was sending hope my way. As you all know, dragonflies were very present to me at the beginning of my miracle pregnancy. They remained present to me throughout the glorious time that I was enjoying my miracle pregnancy. On the day of my anniversary, the quad at the retreat center was SWARMED with DRAGONFLIES!!!!! The first thought was that God was telling us to not give up! Telling us not to lose HOPE! Then later that night, I realized that maybe this was a gift from God to remind us that our little Nicky is well and enjoying their Heaven. Like St. Therese said she will spend her heaven doing good on earth. I believe that Nicky and Sam will do the same.

A little update on my aunt. Yes, she is only 39 and had a heart attack. She lost her husband when her two boys were only 1 and 2 years old. She just remarried in May 09 to a man we are hoping to learn to appreciate. Years ago when she was battling breast cancer, she asked J and I to committ to taking care of her two boys if anything would ever happen to her. She is only 8 years older than me and has had a hard life, but her boys have had it harder. We love them very much but would love it so much more for her to be the mother they deserve and for them to have their mom for many more years. That doesn't seem likely at this point. Her body is going down so fast and they are not sure exactly what is going on with her heart. She is possibly getting out of the hospital tomorrow, all we can do is pray at this point.

I am sorry that this blog is filled with so much grief.