Today is cd 1 and it greeted me bright and early this morning. My first thought was suprise, followed by "well, this is what I wanted", then "followed by no this is not I wanted at all".
I am so filled with anger and sadness right now that tears are filling my eyes and streaming down my cheeks. I should be about to begin my 16th week of pregnancy and I am just so sad that I am where I am. I know that God has all of this figured out and has a future filled with hope for me, but right now I just want to sit in my cave and weep. I don't want to eat, I don't want to think about heading to work, and I don't want to have to talk with J about it being a new cycle. I just want to sit in a cave by a fire and weep. When you think that life cannot possibly get more challenging, when you think that God could not possibly ask you to take one more thing on . . you find yourself once again crushed by the cross, with your face covered in dirt and the mud filling your eyes . . .sand getting into your mouth.
That is where I am, I am praying that this is not where I will be staying.
The only good thing about this is that the last cycle was 28 days, but still gave me a short lp and there is no brown bleeding/spotting, just bright pink. I guess we will be starting the new plan very soon. I should be speaking to one of the nurses today.
I will take this suffering and offer it up for all of you who have shared this journey of IF.
Oh, I was just about to comment on your "Plan" post, and this one popped up. I am heartbroken for you. I will lift you as high as possible in prayer today. I pray your doctor and nurses continue to give you hope for the upcoming cycles and that God would comfort you and give you a glimpse of His promise, too!
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you too - that the cross will lighten, that hope will come again, that God doesn't hide himself when you need to see Him most.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you started a new cycle. I'm praying for you, and call me when you get a chance.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your sadness! praying for you.
ReplyDeleteWhen AF comes it is just so bittersweet....goood it came on one hand...and disappointing on the other. I pray the dr's and nurses use their expertice and skills that the Lord has given to them to help you (and the rest of us carrying the cross of IF) get pregnant, stay pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. I, too, pray for Jesus's strength to get through the most difficult parts of this IF journey. With many prayers of hope and healing. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI feel so sad, there are no words to express how much I feel for you. I do think it's good that your cycle was 28 days which is textbook. I will pray that you remian hopeful and that God will grant you peace through this darkness.
ReplyDeleteIn Christ
I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't fair. I pray that you find peace and consolation in this time of deep pain and suffering.
I do believe you will NOT be in this place forever.
This cannot last forever. Not for any of us. There will be joy in the end. There will be joy!
Oh the agony. I hate CD1
ReplyDeleteBut I agree with LifeHopes...there will be joy in the end. Just keep telling yourself not to forget in the darkness that which you have seen in the light.
Praying for you!
Sorry for your sadness today! I pray that God will bless you with His peace during this difficult time. Know that we are walking with you on this difficult road.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It's just too much to have to struggle under the weight of this cross and have to go to work and pretend to lead a normal life at the same time. I'm praying God will lighten the load for you.
ReplyDeleteOh LIM, I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. You've been through so much, especially lately. I pray that God lifts you up out of this place very soon. You're in my prayers!
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