New Game Plan

Well, I managed to get through my phone consultation today without crying. He was very compassionate in recognizing how difficult this journey has been for me thus far. All we can do is have faith that the journey will get better from here on out. Even though I took great pains to send in all of my paperwork from the recent hospitalization and recent chart but for some reason he did not have this information in front of him. Anyway, we discussed that the baby had implanted in my left tube and I asked him if the history of my endo was part of the reason for this and he reviewed the surgery notes he had from when I saw him and he said that the majority of the damage that I had was on the left tube on the distal area of it and there were adhesions too so even though it seemed that it was all corrected, this still could have been a problem. He did tell me that in my Sept 16, 2008 surgery they opened up the narrow passageway of my left tube. It seemed like I learned more about the awful condition of my body today than I ever did before. He spoke of all of the diseases my body had at the time of my surgery, no wonder I felt like a new woman when it was all corrected. He asked me how my body was healing and I told him that I am amazed at how well my body has healed, but that is only what I can see.
So that led us to discuss what to do next. He wants me to continue all of the same medicaitons that I was on when we conceived. Those meds are: Clomid (50 mg), Fertile CM (3 x d), B6 (1 x d), Glucophage 500 mg (1 x d), t3 (22.5mcg - 2 x d), and increase my hcg meds to 2500 units on days p+3, 5, 7, & 9. I will continue to do blood draws to monitor my progesterone and estrogen levels at p+7. This suprised me, but it suprised me even more when he told me that we must abstain on the days of fertility during those cycles. I have a hard time thinking that I will be taking medicine that could help me to get pregnant, but I have to try to avoid it for the time being until my hormones are in balance. He wants my progesterone and estrogen levels to be at a certain level before he will give us permission or, rather, recommendations to use the days of fertility to try to conceive again. I explained to him that we did not do so well this cycle in trying to avoid days of fertility. We did BD on a day that turned out to be peak. I was so glad to be feeling loving to my husband again and not afraid to be intimate so I did not pay attention to the chart. It is currently cd 28 and there was some mild cramping. So I am just waiting for a new cycle to begin so that I can begin this new game plan. I asked him if my history would lead him to believe that I might be suffering from adrenal fatigue. He said that he will have his nurse call tomorrow morning to arrange for all of the meds and instructions and then get with me to discuss the adrenal fatigue symptoms, testings, and symptom questionaire. I also talked with him about how I started taking the Rel.iv shakes 2 x day and he said this is a great nutritution supplement, but that I should still take a prenatal too. I was so excited that he thinks this is a good choice for us. We also talked diet and he suggested that I use these months of waiting to work on continued weight loss. I have been gaining for the last two weeks and nothing has changed in my diet, I have been trying hard to see those numbers go down and it is beginning to go down. Praise God. I don't know if it is PMS or what. I was cranky all weekend. Once again, this was probably PMS too. At the end of the conversation, Dr. H told me that it may take one month to get the hormones leveled out or it could take 4 months. We can't judge that. He did say that the most encouraging thing about all of this is that I was able to get pregnant. He was really suprised that I got pregnant on the first cycle of clomid. His final note of instruction was to tell me that at each cycle review in the coming months I am to end the conversation with the nurses by asking "Can I try to get pregnant this cycle?" He said they will know when to tell me yes.
The girl who battled IF for the last 8 1/2 years has a hard time trusting that another pregnancy is likely in the near future, but the girl who trusts in God and has complete abandonment and confidence that the God is at work in all of this believes that it can.
That was the update - now here is the rant!
1. After hearing just how damaged my reproductive organs were before surgery it made me feel irresponsible for even getting pregnant in the first place. While in my defense, I thought I was healthy, I don't think I ever truly understood just how damaged all of my baby making parts were at that time. I don't say this to be pathetic, this is just how I felt as I listened to the doctor review the past surgery reports.
2. I can't fathom having to take all of those meds, especially the clomid and not be ttc. I can rationalize taking them to get my hormones in balance, but this is really tough to accept emotionally and financialy.
3. I really think that us being able to conceive in April was a miracle and it is so hard for me to trust that there are more miracles in store for us.
4. I am not excited about trying to lose weight. I am less than I was a year ago, but so, so far from where I need to be. I just keep telling myself that I can do this. J is on board with this.
5. I am still grumpy!!! I just into a huge argument w/J bc I told that I made a bucket list. He took it the wrong way. While I thought it was fun to list what I would like to do in my life, he tought I was focusing on death. Seriously?
6. Before I was suprised w/ my recent pregnancy, I really desired motherhood more than a pegnancy that would lead to motherhood. I was really assured that I would be completely satisfied with adoption. While, my heart is still fully open to adoption, the desire to nurture life in my womb, give bith, nurse my baby, and watch the glow on my husband's face as he meets his child for the first time is stronger than ever!!! I desire to be pregnant more now than I have before. Only six weeks ago, I was petrified to even consider getting pregnant again. All is grace.
OK, enough ranting. I have so much to be thankful for right now and I will try to focus on that. I have lots of prayers to say to say in thanksgiving and petition.