Ordinary Saturday

I am so happy that today is saturday. I am actually home alone listening to the washing machine and getting crawled on by Baylie who feels it is her job to help me to write this post. The days leading up to today have been nothing but ordinary.
I have had one of the hardest weeks in my life and I don't know if I made it so or I am allowing myself to see what it is God is trying to teach me right now.
After I had my phone consult done, I could not do anything but blame myself for having lost another child. A child that we never got to see or hold, but nevertheless, present in our lives. Dr. H had gone over what kind of damage I had to my left tube and how they tried to correct it and that they felt that they did correct it. So this was possibly the reason the baby got stuck in my tube on the left side. Not because it was just random or a bad luck of the draw, but once again my body had failed me once again. Once again, the IF wins. Once again, the diseases that I had been battling since I started having a cycle wrecked havoc on my life, forever changing me. Processing all that the doctor told me took about 48 hours. At first I was very excited with my game plan and the fact that the doctor thought that we had good chances at conceiving again. Once the newness wore off, I began to research from the copies of medical records of just how damaged my insides were bc of endo, adhesions, and PCOS. While the doctor gave us great reports in the post op appt, he glossed over just how damaged I was. How much he had to fix. When I looked at the surgery reports, I realized how severe my endo was, the PCOS was bad but not as severe as they had thought so only a small wedge resection was needed on both ovaries, and I had adhesions EVERYWHERE. I remember being told that I had some adhesions, not tons of it like what was reported in the paperwork. I thought I had mild endo, but it looked to be more than that. I was never give a stage # of the endo. It turns out that my left tube was the worst damaged part of it all and you all know how that worked out for me. Both of my ovaries were stuck, as well as my left tube. Some of it was actually stuck to the bowels. The left tube was listed as being slightly damaged on the distal end and then the right tube had three small areas of endo that was lysed. Both tubes were wide open when they tested them before finishing my surgery. Ok, so that is the biology of it all.
At first I felt angry that I wasn't aware of the severity of the concerns and then I wondered how could I have not put together how bad I was feeling before my second surgery and how much better I felt after it. I would like to tell all those doctors I saw before that "Yes, I did have endo and no a BCP would not have made it go away!!!"
Once the anger lessened I wondered if it was prudent for us to ever ttc again knowing that I could be putting another child's life at risk and possibly my own. These thoughts really brought me to the cross. I just asked God why couldn't I have an end in sight here. Why couldn't I just know when I would die to the cross of IF. I know this sounds so dramatic. The thing is, I had been bonding with the hurting, beaten, sorrowful Jesus for over a week and then I regonized at least he had an end in sight. At least he knew what the cross meant for him. It meant death. Yet, it did not mean an everlasting death! He also knew what he was going to gain by dying on the cross. There was an end to the suffering, the pain, the beatings, the mockery. Although it was a high cost to pay, he did it. He knew that is what his Heavenly Father created him to do. The most important thing that he knew that this was not just death, but this was the opening gate to eternal life. He knew that this was the only way to heaven so that he could sit at the right hand of His Father. He knew that by dying on that cross was the only way to get to the next stage of his mission. His death did not mean that his work had ended, it was only a new beginning. I walked my way with Jesus in those final moments. The dying on the cross, his friends removing his broken body from the cross, the special ladies who annointed his body with oils for burial, the special people who wrapped him burial clothes in the mist of suffering the loss of someone so special to them. I went with Jesus into the tomb. It was dark in there. This is around the time that I had a huge temper tantrum with God. It was freeing and embarrassing at the same time. At one point I was so sad, I took some time to go to the chapel at work and prayed for God to send someone to me to talk too. Not an hour later, my dear friend (my very fertile one) walked through the doors of my office bringing me an angel pin with a infant in their arms with a card saying that our little one is in the caring hands of an angel in heaven. She also got to see me cry as I told her how terrified I was to ttc again. I told her that I don't want to put another child in harm's way and that I did not know how to share that with J because he is just so hopeful now that the doctor thinks we will be able to conceive again. I told her what is the point of trying to get pregnant when you aren't able to stay pregnant! Looking back on this I know that at least that would be one more soul in heaven, but this did not comfort me at all. All I could think about was that this child would have lived if my body had not been so damaged. Then to add insult to injury, I have always felt a calling to adoption, I knew that I could love any child who needed my love like my very own, but now I was desiring pregnancy like never before. I desire so much with my heart and soul to have a baby in the traditonal way and labor in pain to see my child born healthy. I desire so much to hear that newborn cry. I desire so much to see the doctor hand our little one to J and see the glow on his face and the tears in his eyes. My friend was so kind to listen. The only advice she offered was for me to share all of this with J bc she said he is a good man. He loves you, she reminded me. I knew this, but I needed to hear it again.
After work, I headed home and hit two huge thunderstorms with hail. In the midst of one, I get a call from the nurse at PPVI. We had been playing phone tag for two days, so I pulled over to talk. She reviewed all of the meds for the next cycle and then discussed the cortisol blood draw and adrenal fatigue paperwork. She asked me if I had any questions for her or for the doctor and I explained to her that I reviewed my medical reports for a whole day and wondered if it would be prudent for us to ttc given the damage that was on my right tube that was probably fine now, but I wanted some assurance that I wouldn't be putting a child in danger again. I was not crying at this point. She said she understood why I was asking bc she knew that it also put my life in danger too. She went on to tell me how she reviewed the medical reports from my er visit and surgery on May 16 and said that God really must have been there with me because I was so close to death. I wasn't really worried about myself, just how likely a baby would have a chance to survive growing in my body. I began to cry at this point and she was very kind to me at that time. She said she would talk with the doctor about my concern. I know we are not ttc this cycle or the next, I just need to know his medical opinion. I know that he is not God and if God saw fit to bless me with another pregnancy I would take the good with the bad, I just don't want to be foolish. I want to be prudent.
I then made it home and shared all of my concerns with J. At first he was not that receptive but then he realized how concerned I was about all of it and then completely understood my concern. This was a tremendous relief. Praise God. He agreed that he did not want to keep going this direction if it would only mean more possible harm for me or another baby.
In the midst of all of this was the beginning days of a new cycle and I was hurting. Only on my left side where the surgery occured. I had not had pain like that there for a long time and it scared me. It felt like the staples were coming out or something. At some point, the pain would take my breath away. I wondered if it was healing pains or something wrong. It was a huge ordeal to try to talk to a doctor, but I finally got in touch with someone locally who said that it was probably healing pains and to take ibuprophen. Did that and I am feeling better. I am on cd 4 and I have barely had a normal period this cycle. This doctor explained that it will take a couple months to get back to regular cycles. The nurse at PPVI told me that because I was not taking all of the normal meds, hcg etc right now, that my lining probably wasn't that thick and that may be why my period is lighter. I did have shorter LP so maybe this is a reason too, it did not have as much time to thicken.
Well, I have made this post way too long. I am off to finish the laundry and get ready. I am meeting a lady who was a CrMS instructor for many years in TX and my instructor for a little gathering. The lady who is coming into town had almost the very same thing happen to her with an ectopic pregnancy while dealing with secondary IF. She was a patient of Dr. H and she went on to have two more healthy children. I am hoping that I can learn more of her story today and be encouraged.