Grace has landed in my life. It was always there, it was just helping me to get through the grime I was surrounded in at the time. Everything I went through last week, every single emotion, every single tear was necessary! All of it was laying the groundwork for hope to be renewed in my heart. I wanted to be sure to post this positive new outlook because I truly feel like I have been given such a blessing in having others really help me to find a treasure of hope again.
Like I had mentioned in my post on Saturday, I was going to meet a lady and my CrMS instructor for a small gathering and part of the reason I was going was to listen to this other lady's story about her experience with surviving an ectopic pregnancy. The trauma she experienced was so similar to my own, that as I was listening to her story tears streamed down my cheeks because it is the kind of trauma you would never want anyone else to have to experience. Her situation was was different in some pivitol ways. I believe that her whole mission in sharing this painful part of her past was to allow me to see that you can make it past this. She was so kind in both listening and sharing. She ended up losing an ovary and tube, but she still had hope that God would honor her willingness to be open to life. She went on to recover although she was just as close or closer to death than I was. She continued to chart with some form of NFP, but not Creighton because it was not really established yet or she had not learned about it yet. She continued to ttc and had several miscarriages. Well, to make a long story short she went on to have four children, all healthy. She did mention that she had to take the same meds I am on to be able to concieve and she did have to take the progesterone meds to keep the pregnanies going. At this time she was using Napro to help her ttc and in maintaining her pregnancies. Her words of comfort helped me to release some of my sorrow. We talked of so many things of suffering, dreams, and vocations to motherhood. She and my other friend affirmed and recognized this driving force and dream, calling to be a mother. I was explaining to them that this has always been my dream. Some girls dreams of career, travel, and fame . . . .but I have ALWAYS dreamed of having a having a large family. They understood. They each stuggled, each survived, each trusted, and were given the desire of their hearts. I needed to hear that someone has been succussful with one tube. It was a great honor to meet this special lady. She shared with me a gem of hope and comfort. She was comforted after her loss by hearing from a lady that believed that all children who are torn from their parents hearts, arms, or wombs are taken into the arms of Our Holy Mother and held so close to her Immuclate Heart that they grow in her heart and act as powerful intercessors for their parents. The very same thing alot of you have told me in the last two months:)
So I left my friend's home feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt hopeful that God was not finished with me yet. J was so excited to see me with hope shining in my eyes again.
And if that was not enough of a gift, Mass today was Amazing. I knew that it was the Feast of St. Ann and Jochim, so that made it very special for me, but today's readings really reminded me of God's nature to take the little that is given and making it into something phenomenal. In the first reading, we reflected on how there seemed to be so little food and so many to feed, but when it was offered and blessed, it was enough!! Then in the gospel we listened to story of the five barley loaves and two fish feeding over 5000 with enough to be left over. I went to mass a the Cathedral where J and I were married and the priest there was so filled with the Holy Spirit and reminded that us the if we give God our little bit, God can do amazing things when we get out of his way and let Him do His work. He asked us "What is your little bit that you can offer God?" All week I focused on what I did not have. I recognized in Mass that My one tube is my little bit. I can't not try. I have to give God all that I have and even though in my mind it is a little bit, it could just be enough for Him to bring new life into our family. God can use my little bit, if I will just get out of His way.
I have been taken, blessed, broken, and given. Only God knows what is in store for me, but I have found that He is worthy of my trust. I can believe in God every day of the week, but I have to trust Him everyday of the week, too!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Ordinary Saturday
I am so happy that today is saturday. I am actually home alone listening to the washing machine and getting crawled on by Baylie who feels it is her job to help me to write this post. The days leading up to today have been nothing but ordinary.
I have had one of the hardest weeks in my life and I don't know if I made it so or I am allowing myself to see what it is God is trying to teach me right now.
After I had my phone consult done, I could not do anything but blame myself for having lost another child. A child that we never got to see or hold, but nevertheless, present in our lives. Dr. H had gone over what kind of damage I had to my left tube and how they tried to correct it and that they felt that they did correct it. So this was possibly the reason the baby got stuck in my tube on the left side. Not because it was just random or a bad luck of the draw, but once again my body had failed me once again. Once again, the IF wins. Once again, the diseases that I had been battling since I started having a cycle wrecked havoc on my life, forever changing me. Processing all that the doctor told me took about 48 hours. At first I was very excited with my game plan and the fact that the doctor thought that we had good chances at conceiving again. Once the newness wore off, I began to research from the copies of medical records of just how damaged my insides were bc of endo, adhesions, and PCOS. While the doctor gave us great reports in the post op appt, he glossed over just how damaged I was. How much he had to fix. When I looked at the surgery reports, I realized how severe my endo was, the PCOS was bad but not as severe as they had thought so only a small wedge resection was needed on both ovaries, and I had adhesions EVERYWHERE. I remember being told that I had some adhesions, not tons of it like what was reported in the paperwork. I thought I had mild endo, but it looked to be more than that. I was never give a stage # of the endo. It turns out that my left tube was the worst damaged part of it all and you all know how that worked out for me. Both of my ovaries were stuck, as well as my left tube. Some of it was actually stuck to the bowels. The left tube was listed as being slightly damaged on the distal end and then the right tube had three small areas of endo that was lysed. Both tubes were wide open when they tested them before finishing my surgery. Ok, so that is the biology of it all.
At first I felt angry that I wasn't aware of the severity of the concerns and then I wondered how could I have not put together how bad I was feeling before my second surgery and how much better I felt after it. I would like to tell all those doctors I saw before that "Yes, I did have endo and no a BCP would not have made it go away!!!"
Once the anger lessened I wondered if it was prudent for us to ever ttc again knowing that I could be putting another child's life at risk and possibly my own. These thoughts really brought me to the cross. I just asked God why couldn't I have an end in sight here. Why couldn't I just know when I would die to the cross of IF. I know this sounds so dramatic. The thing is, I had been bonding with the hurting, beaten, sorrowful Jesus for over a week and then I regonized at least he had an end in sight. At least he knew what the cross meant for him. It meant death. Yet, it did not mean an everlasting death! He also knew what he was going to gain by dying on the cross. There was an end to the suffering, the pain, the beatings, the mockery. Although it was a high cost to pay, he did it. He knew that is what his Heavenly Father created him to do. The most important thing that he knew that this was not just death, but this was the opening gate to eternal life. He knew that this was the only way to heaven so that he could sit at the right hand of His Father. He knew that by dying on that cross was the only way to get to the next stage of his mission. His death did not mean that his work had ended, it was only a new beginning. I walked my way with Jesus in those final moments. The dying on the cross, his friends removing his broken body from the cross, the special ladies who annointed his body with oils for burial, the special people who wrapped him burial clothes in the mist of suffering the loss of someone so special to them. I went with Jesus into the tomb. It was dark in there. This is around the time that I had a huge temper tantrum with God. It was freeing and embarrassing at the same time. At one point I was so sad, I took some time to go to the chapel at work and prayed for God to send someone to me to talk too. Not an hour later, my dear friend (my very fertile one) walked through the doors of my office bringing me an angel pin with a infant in their arms with a card saying that our little one is in the caring hands of an angel in heaven. She also got to see me cry as I told her how terrified I was to ttc again. I told her that I don't want to put another child in harm's way and that I did not know how to share that with J because he is just so hopeful now that the doctor thinks we will be able to conceive again. I told her what is the point of trying to get pregnant when you aren't able to stay pregnant! Looking back on this I know that at least that would be one more soul in heaven, but this did not comfort me at all. All I could think about was that this child would have lived if my body had not been so damaged. Then to add insult to injury, I have always felt a calling to adoption, I knew that I could love any child who needed my love like my very own, but now I was desiring pregnancy like never before. I desire so much with my heart and soul to have a baby in the traditonal way and labor in pain to see my child born healthy. I desire so much to hear that newborn cry. I desire so much to see the doctor hand our little one to J and see the glow on his face and the tears in his eyes. My friend was so kind to listen. The only advice she offered was for me to share all of this with J bc she said he is a good man. He loves you, she reminded me. I knew this, but I needed to hear it again.
After work, I headed home and hit two huge thunderstorms with hail. In the midst of one, I get a call from the nurse at PPVI. We had been playing phone tag for two days, so I pulled over to talk. She reviewed all of the meds for the next cycle and then discussed the cortisol blood draw and adrenal fatigue paperwork. She asked me if I had any questions for her or for the doctor and I explained to her that I reviewed my medical reports for a whole day and wondered if it would be prudent for us to ttc given the damage that was on my right tube that was probably fine now, but I wanted some assurance that I wouldn't be putting a child in danger again. I was not crying at this point. She said she understood why I was asking bc she knew that it also put my life in danger too. She went on to tell me how she reviewed the medical reports from my er visit and surgery on May 16 and said that God really must have been there with me because I was so close to death. I wasn't really worried about myself, just how likely a baby would have a chance to survive growing in my body. I began to cry at this point and she was very kind to me at that time. She said she would talk with the doctor about my concern. I know we are not ttc this cycle or the next, I just need to know his medical opinion. I know that he is not God and if God saw fit to bless me with another pregnancy I would take the good with the bad, I just don't want to be foolish. I want to be prudent.
I then made it home and shared all of my concerns with J. At first he was not that receptive but then he realized how concerned I was about all of it and then completely understood my concern. This was a tremendous relief. Praise God. He agreed that he did not want to keep going this direction if it would only mean more possible harm for me or another baby.
In the midst of all of this was the beginning days of a new cycle and I was hurting. Only on my left side where the surgery occured. I had not had pain like that there for a long time and it scared me. It felt like the staples were coming out or something. At some point, the pain would take my breath away. I wondered if it was healing pains or something wrong. It was a huge ordeal to try to talk to a doctor, but I finally got in touch with someone locally who said that it was probably healing pains and to take ibuprophen. Did that and I am feeling better. I am on cd 4 and I have barely had a normal period this cycle. This doctor explained that it will take a couple months to get back to regular cycles. The nurse at PPVI told me that because I was not taking all of the normal meds, hcg etc right now, that my lining probably wasn't that thick and that may be why my period is lighter. I did have shorter LP so maybe this is a reason too, it did not have as much time to thicken.
Well, I have made this post way too long. I am off to finish the laundry and get ready. I am meeting a lady who was a CrMS instructor for many years in TX and my instructor for a little gathering. The lady who is coming into town had almost the very same thing happen to her with an ectopic pregnancy while dealing with secondary IF. She was a patient of Dr. H and she went on to have two more healthy children. I am hoping that I can learn more of her story today and be encouraged.
I have had one of the hardest weeks in my life and I don't know if I made it so or I am allowing myself to see what it is God is trying to teach me right now.
After I had my phone consult done, I could not do anything but blame myself for having lost another child. A child that we never got to see or hold, but nevertheless, present in our lives. Dr. H had gone over what kind of damage I had to my left tube and how they tried to correct it and that they felt that they did correct it. So this was possibly the reason the baby got stuck in my tube on the left side. Not because it was just random or a bad luck of the draw, but once again my body had failed me once again. Once again, the IF wins. Once again, the diseases that I had been battling since I started having a cycle wrecked havoc on my life, forever changing me. Processing all that the doctor told me took about 48 hours. At first I was very excited with my game plan and the fact that the doctor thought that we had good chances at conceiving again. Once the newness wore off, I began to research from the copies of medical records of just how damaged my insides were bc of endo, adhesions, and PCOS. While the doctor gave us great reports in the post op appt, he glossed over just how damaged I was. How much he had to fix. When I looked at the surgery reports, I realized how severe my endo was, the PCOS was bad but not as severe as they had thought so only a small wedge resection was needed on both ovaries, and I had adhesions EVERYWHERE. I remember being told that I had some adhesions, not tons of it like what was reported in the paperwork. I thought I had mild endo, but it looked to be more than that. I was never give a stage # of the endo. It turns out that my left tube was the worst damaged part of it all and you all know how that worked out for me. Both of my ovaries were stuck, as well as my left tube. Some of it was actually stuck to the bowels. The left tube was listed as being slightly damaged on the distal end and then the right tube had three small areas of endo that was lysed. Both tubes were wide open when they tested them before finishing my surgery. Ok, so that is the biology of it all.
At first I felt angry that I wasn't aware of the severity of the concerns and then I wondered how could I have not put together how bad I was feeling before my second surgery and how much better I felt after it. I would like to tell all those doctors I saw before that "Yes, I did have endo and no a BCP would not have made it go away!!!"
Once the anger lessened I wondered if it was prudent for us to ever ttc again knowing that I could be putting another child's life at risk and possibly my own. These thoughts really brought me to the cross. I just asked God why couldn't I have an end in sight here. Why couldn't I just know when I would die to the cross of IF. I know this sounds so dramatic. The thing is, I had been bonding with the hurting, beaten, sorrowful Jesus for over a week and then I regonized at least he had an end in sight. At least he knew what the cross meant for him. It meant death. Yet, it did not mean an everlasting death! He also knew what he was going to gain by dying on the cross. There was an end to the suffering, the pain, the beatings, the mockery. Although it was a high cost to pay, he did it. He knew that is what his Heavenly Father created him to do. The most important thing that he knew that this was not just death, but this was the opening gate to eternal life. He knew that this was the only way to heaven so that he could sit at the right hand of His Father. He knew that by dying on that cross was the only way to get to the next stage of his mission. His death did not mean that his work had ended, it was only a new beginning. I walked my way with Jesus in those final moments. The dying on the cross, his friends removing his broken body from the cross, the special ladies who annointed his body with oils for burial, the special people who wrapped him burial clothes in the mist of suffering the loss of someone so special to them. I went with Jesus into the tomb. It was dark in there. This is around the time that I had a huge temper tantrum with God. It was freeing and embarrassing at the same time. At one point I was so sad, I took some time to go to the chapel at work and prayed for God to send someone to me to talk too. Not an hour later, my dear friend (my very fertile one) walked through the doors of my office bringing me an angel pin with a infant in their arms with a card saying that our little one is in the caring hands of an angel in heaven. She also got to see me cry as I told her how terrified I was to ttc again. I told her that I don't want to put another child in harm's way and that I did not know how to share that with J because he is just so hopeful now that the doctor thinks we will be able to conceive again. I told her what is the point of trying to get pregnant when you aren't able to stay pregnant! Looking back on this I know that at least that would be one more soul in heaven, but this did not comfort me at all. All I could think about was that this child would have lived if my body had not been so damaged. Then to add insult to injury, I have always felt a calling to adoption, I knew that I could love any child who needed my love like my very own, but now I was desiring pregnancy like never before. I desire so much with my heart and soul to have a baby in the traditonal way and labor in pain to see my child born healthy. I desire so much to hear that newborn cry. I desire so much to see the doctor hand our little one to J and see the glow on his face and the tears in his eyes. My friend was so kind to listen. The only advice she offered was for me to share all of this with J bc she said he is a good man. He loves you, she reminded me. I knew this, but I needed to hear it again.
After work, I headed home and hit two huge thunderstorms with hail. In the midst of one, I get a call from the nurse at PPVI. We had been playing phone tag for two days, so I pulled over to talk. She reviewed all of the meds for the next cycle and then discussed the cortisol blood draw and adrenal fatigue paperwork. She asked me if I had any questions for her or for the doctor and I explained to her that I reviewed my medical reports for a whole day and wondered if it would be prudent for us to ttc given the damage that was on my right tube that was probably fine now, but I wanted some assurance that I wouldn't be putting a child in danger again. I was not crying at this point. She said she understood why I was asking bc she knew that it also put my life in danger too. She went on to tell me how she reviewed the medical reports from my er visit and surgery on May 16 and said that God really must have been there with me because I was so close to death. I wasn't really worried about myself, just how likely a baby would have a chance to survive growing in my body. I began to cry at this point and she was very kind to me at that time. She said she would talk with the doctor about my concern. I know we are not ttc this cycle or the next, I just need to know his medical opinion. I know that he is not God and if God saw fit to bless me with another pregnancy I would take the good with the bad, I just don't want to be foolish. I want to be prudent.
I then made it home and shared all of my concerns with J. At first he was not that receptive but then he realized how concerned I was about all of it and then completely understood my concern. This was a tremendous relief. Praise God. He agreed that he did not want to keep going this direction if it would only mean more possible harm for me or another baby.
In the midst of all of this was the beginning days of a new cycle and I was hurting. Only on my left side where the surgery occured. I had not had pain like that there for a long time and it scared me. It felt like the staples were coming out or something. At some point, the pain would take my breath away. I wondered if it was healing pains or something wrong. It was a huge ordeal to try to talk to a doctor, but I finally got in touch with someone locally who said that it was probably healing pains and to take ibuprophen. Did that and I am feeling better. I am on cd 4 and I have barely had a normal period this cycle. This doctor explained that it will take a couple months to get back to regular cycles. The nurse at PPVI told me that because I was not taking all of the normal meds, hcg etc right now, that my lining probably wasn't that thick and that may be why my period is lighter. I did have shorter LP so maybe this is a reason too, it did not have as much time to thicken.
Well, I have made this post way too long. I am off to finish the laundry and get ready. I am meeting a lady who was a CrMS instructor for many years in TX and my instructor for a little gathering. The lady who is coming into town had almost the very same thing happen to her with an ectopic pregnancy while dealing with secondary IF. She was a patient of Dr. H and she went on to have two more healthy children. I am hoping that I can learn more of her story today and be encouraged.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
cd1
Today is cd 1 and it greeted me bright and early this morning. My first thought was suprise, followed by "well, this is what I wanted", then "followed by no this is not I wanted at all".
I am so filled with anger and sadness right now that tears are filling my eyes and streaming down my cheeks. I should be about to begin my 16th week of pregnancy and I am just so sad that I am where I am. I know that God has all of this figured out and has a future filled with hope for me, but right now I just want to sit in my cave and weep. I don't want to eat, I don't want to think about heading to work, and I don't want to have to talk with J about it being a new cycle. I just want to sit in a cave by a fire and weep. When you think that life cannot possibly get more challenging, when you think that God could not possibly ask you to take one more thing on . . you find yourself once again crushed by the cross, with your face covered in dirt and the mud filling your eyes . . .sand getting into your mouth.
That is where I am, I am praying that this is not where I will be staying.
The only good thing about this is that the last cycle was 28 days, but still gave me a short lp and there is no brown bleeding/spotting, just bright pink. I guess we will be starting the new plan very soon. I should be speaking to one of the nurses today.
I will take this suffering and offer it up for all of you who have shared this journey of IF.
I am so filled with anger and sadness right now that tears are filling my eyes and streaming down my cheeks. I should be about to begin my 16th week of pregnancy and I am just so sad that I am where I am. I know that God has all of this figured out and has a future filled with hope for me, but right now I just want to sit in my cave and weep. I don't want to eat, I don't want to think about heading to work, and I don't want to have to talk with J about it being a new cycle. I just want to sit in a cave by a fire and weep. When you think that life cannot possibly get more challenging, when you think that God could not possibly ask you to take one more thing on . . you find yourself once again crushed by the cross, with your face covered in dirt and the mud filling your eyes . . .sand getting into your mouth.
That is where I am, I am praying that this is not where I will be staying.
The only good thing about this is that the last cycle was 28 days, but still gave me a short lp and there is no brown bleeding/spotting, just bright pink. I guess we will be starting the new plan very soon. I should be speaking to one of the nurses today.
I will take this suffering and offer it up for all of you who have shared this journey of IF.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
New Game Plan
Well, I managed to get through my phone consultation today without crying. He was very compassionate in recognizing how difficult this journey has been for me thus far. All we can do is have faith that the journey will get better from here on out. Even though I took great pains to send in all of my paperwork from the recent hospitalization and recent chart but for some reason he did not have this information in front of him. Anyway, we discussed that the baby had implanted in my left tube and I asked him if the history of my endo was part of the reason for this and he reviewed the surgery notes he had from when I saw him and he said that the majority of the damage that I had was on the left tube on the distal area of it and there were adhesions too so even though it seemed that it was all corrected, this still could have been a problem. He did tell me that in my Sept 16, 2008 surgery they opened up the narrow passageway of my left tube. It seemed like I learned more about the awful condition of my body today than I ever did before. He spoke of all of the diseases my body had at the time of my surgery, no wonder I felt like a new woman when it was all corrected. He asked me how my body was healing and I told him that I am amazed at how well my body has healed, but that is only what I can see.
So that led us to discuss what to do next. He wants me to continue all of the same medicaitons that I was on when we conceived. Those meds are: Clomid (50 mg), Fertile CM (3 x d), B6 (1 x d), Glucophage 500 mg (1 x d), t3 (22.5mcg - 2 x d), and increase my hcg meds to 2500 units on days p+3, 5, 7, & 9. I will continue to do blood draws to monitor my progesterone and estrogen levels at p+7. This suprised me, but it suprised me even more when he told me that we must abstain on the days of fertility during those cycles. I have a hard time thinking that I will be taking medicine that could help me to get pregnant, but I have to try to avoid it for the time being until my hormones are in balance. He wants my progesterone and estrogen levels to be at a certain level before he will give us permission or, rather, recommendations to use the days of fertility to try to conceive again. I explained to him that we did not do so well this cycle in trying to avoid days of fertility. We did BD on a day that turned out to be peak. I was so glad to be feeling loving to my husband again and not afraid to be intimate so I did not pay attention to the chart. It is currently cd 28 and there was some mild cramping. So I am just waiting for a new cycle to begin so that I can begin this new game plan. I asked him if my history would lead him to believe that I might be suffering from adrenal fatigue. He said that he will have his nurse call tomorrow morning to arrange for all of the meds and instructions and then get with me to discuss the adrenal fatigue symptoms, testings, and symptom questionaire. I also talked with him about how I started taking the Rel.iv shakes 2 x day and he said this is a great nutritution supplement, but that I should still take a prenatal too. I was so excited that he thinks this is a good choice for us. We also talked diet and he suggested that I use these months of waiting to work on continued weight loss. I have been gaining for the last two weeks and nothing has changed in my diet, I have been trying hard to see those numbers go down and it is beginning to go down. Praise God. I don't know if it is PMS or what. I was cranky all weekend. Once again, this was probably PMS too. At the end of the conversation, Dr. H told me that it may take one month to get the hormones leveled out or it could take 4 months. We can't judge that. He did say that the most encouraging thing about all of this is that I was able to get pregnant. He was really suprised that I got pregnant on the first cycle of clomid. His final note of instruction was to tell me that at each cycle review in the coming months I am to end the conversation with the nurses by asking "Can I try to get pregnant this cycle?" He said they will know when to tell me yes.
The girl who battled IF for the last 8 1/2 years has a hard time trusting that another pregnancy is likely in the near future, but the girl who trusts in God and has complete abandonment and confidence that the God is at work in all of this believes that it can.
That was the update - now here is the rant!
1. After hearing just how damaged my reproductive organs were before surgery it made me feel irresponsible for even getting pregnant in the first place. While in my defense, I thought I was healthy, I don't think I ever truly understood just how damaged all of my baby making parts were at that time. I don't say this to be pathetic, this is just how I felt as I listened to the doctor review the past surgery reports.
2. I can't fathom having to take all of those meds, especially the clomid and not be ttc. I can rationalize taking them to get my hormones in balance, but this is really tough to accept emotionally and financialy.
3. I really think that us being able to conceive in April was a miracle and it is so hard for me to trust that there are more miracles in store for us.
4. I am not excited about trying to lose weight. I am less than I was a year ago, but so, so far from where I need to be. I just keep telling myself that I can do this. J is on board with this.
5. I am still grumpy!!! I just into a huge argument w/J bc I told that I made a bucket list. He took it the wrong way. While I thought it was fun to list what I would like to do in my life, he tought I was focusing on death. Seriously?
6. Before I was suprised w/ my recent pregnancy, I really desired motherhood more than a pegnancy that would lead to motherhood. I was really assured that I would be completely satisfied with adoption. While, my heart is still fully open to adoption, the desire to nurture life in my womb, give bith, nurse my baby, and watch the glow on my husband's face as he meets his child for the first time is stronger than ever!!! I desire to be pregnant more now than I have before. Only six weeks ago, I was petrified to even consider getting pregnant again. All is grace.
OK, enough ranting. I have so much to be thankful for right now and I will try to focus on that. I have lots of prayers to say to say in thanksgiving and petition.
So that led us to discuss what to do next. He wants me to continue all of the same medicaitons that I was on when we conceived. Those meds are: Clomid (50 mg), Fertile CM (3 x d), B6 (1 x d), Glucophage 500 mg (1 x d), t3 (22.5mcg - 2 x d), and increase my hcg meds to 2500 units on days p+3, 5, 7, & 9. I will continue to do blood draws to monitor my progesterone and estrogen levels at p+7. This suprised me, but it suprised me even more when he told me that we must abstain on the days of fertility during those cycles. I have a hard time thinking that I will be taking medicine that could help me to get pregnant, but I have to try to avoid it for the time being until my hormones are in balance. He wants my progesterone and estrogen levels to be at a certain level before he will give us permission or, rather, recommendations to use the days of fertility to try to conceive again. I explained to him that we did not do so well this cycle in trying to avoid days of fertility. We did BD on a day that turned out to be peak. I was so glad to be feeling loving to my husband again and not afraid to be intimate so I did not pay attention to the chart. It is currently cd 28 and there was some mild cramping. So I am just waiting for a new cycle to begin so that I can begin this new game plan. I asked him if my history would lead him to believe that I might be suffering from adrenal fatigue. He said that he will have his nurse call tomorrow morning to arrange for all of the meds and instructions and then get with me to discuss the adrenal fatigue symptoms, testings, and symptom questionaire. I also talked with him about how I started taking the Rel.iv shakes 2 x day and he said this is a great nutritution supplement, but that I should still take a prenatal too. I was so excited that he thinks this is a good choice for us. We also talked diet and he suggested that I use these months of waiting to work on continued weight loss. I have been gaining for the last two weeks and nothing has changed in my diet, I have been trying hard to see those numbers go down and it is beginning to go down. Praise God. I don't know if it is PMS or what. I was cranky all weekend. Once again, this was probably PMS too. At the end of the conversation, Dr. H told me that it may take one month to get the hormones leveled out or it could take 4 months. We can't judge that. He did say that the most encouraging thing about all of this is that I was able to get pregnant. He was really suprised that I got pregnant on the first cycle of clomid. His final note of instruction was to tell me that at each cycle review in the coming months I am to end the conversation with the nurses by asking "Can I try to get pregnant this cycle?" He said they will know when to tell me yes.
The girl who battled IF for the last 8 1/2 years has a hard time trusting that another pregnancy is likely in the near future, but the girl who trusts in God and has complete abandonment and confidence that the God is at work in all of this believes that it can.
That was the update - now here is the rant!
1. After hearing just how damaged my reproductive organs were before surgery it made me feel irresponsible for even getting pregnant in the first place. While in my defense, I thought I was healthy, I don't think I ever truly understood just how damaged all of my baby making parts were at that time. I don't say this to be pathetic, this is just how I felt as I listened to the doctor review the past surgery reports.
2. I can't fathom having to take all of those meds, especially the clomid and not be ttc. I can rationalize taking them to get my hormones in balance, but this is really tough to accept emotionally and financialy.
3. I really think that us being able to conceive in April was a miracle and it is so hard for me to trust that there are more miracles in store for us.
4. I am not excited about trying to lose weight. I am less than I was a year ago, but so, so far from where I need to be. I just keep telling myself that I can do this. J is on board with this.
5. I am still grumpy!!! I just into a huge argument w/J bc I told that I made a bucket list. He took it the wrong way. While I thought it was fun to list what I would like to do in my life, he tought I was focusing on death. Seriously?
6. Before I was suprised w/ my recent pregnancy, I really desired motherhood more than a pegnancy that would lead to motherhood. I was really assured that I would be completely satisfied with adoption. While, my heart is still fully open to adoption, the desire to nurture life in my womb, give bith, nurse my baby, and watch the glow on my husband's face as he meets his child for the first time is stronger than ever!!! I desire to be pregnant more now than I have before. Only six weeks ago, I was petrified to even consider getting pregnant again. All is grace.
OK, enough ranting. I have so much to be thankful for right now and I will try to focus on that. I have lots of prayers to say to say in thanksgiving and petition.
Friday, July 17, 2009
It's Friday!!
I am so glad today is finally friday. This week has actually been a little better because I am not staying as tired as I usually am. I have been faithfully taking my Re.liv shakes in the am and pm and I see some subtle results. For example, I am no longer punching the snooze 3 times. Yesterday I came home and cleaned my house and did four loads of laundry so that I would not have to worry about my house this weekend. In fact this weekend I am going to be able to get my hair cut. It has been way too long and almost 6 months since my last cut. Then I am going to meet my best friend for lunch where we usually end up talking for a couple hours. I am always so revived after having some time with my friends.
Well, I am off to get ready for work. Hope you all have a blessed weekend.
Oh, by the way, since I was having such a hard time praying I decided just to go sit in the chapel yesterday for lunch and it helped tremendously just to sit there in the presence of Jesus. I recognized that I can relate better to the broken, suffering Jesus on the cross than I can relate to God right now. This was comforting to be reminded that even Jesus wanted to avoid the cup of suffering, but embraced it because of great love for us and His father. Not that different at all. I even had a little chat with my spiritual director that let me name some of the feelings I had been having and this was truly a gift at this point.
Well, I am off to get ready for work. Hope you all have a blessed weekend.
Oh, by the way, since I was having such a hard time praying I decided just to go sit in the chapel yesterday for lunch and it helped tremendously just to sit there in the presence of Jesus. I recognized that I can relate better to the broken, suffering Jesus on the cross than I can relate to God right now. This was comforting to be reminded that even Jesus wanted to avoid the cup of suffering, but embraced it because of great love for us and His father. Not that different at all. I even had a little chat with my spiritual director that let me name some of the feelings I had been having and this was truly a gift at this point.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Good news & Sample of comments
Just a few pics. The lizard was on my plant on our porch and the other two are of our growing Baylie. In one of them it looks like I am choking her, but I swear I was not. I am holidng her under her belly.
First of all! Congrats SEW! Your little one is going to have the cutest clothes and the best parents! Still thanking God for bringing new life into your family!
Prayers continue for you, your DH, and your baby!
**
I have been around reading the blogs but not able to have enough energy to comment. For most of the week, I was recovering from hurting my left arm/elbow this weekend and I am left handed so this was driving me nuts. I had a hard time typing too. This week has been flying by and I am just numb to the comments that are said to me these days.
Here goes:
(1) "You and J should just adopt a baby . . .then you will get pregnant I am sure. You will get pregnant three times! I am so sure of it." This actually came from a dear nun who is dying and has been praying for us. The problem is I did not even share our terrible ordeal bc of hearing she is now on hospice. The comment was said in a loving way, but it just hurt.
(2) "You are losing weight . . .your belly is getting flat!" Once again, this was meant as a compliment, but it just reminded me that I never got to watch my belly grow because of a growing baby."
(3) "Sorry about your loss, but at least you know you CAN get pregnant." As usual, that was meant to be encouraging. Just fell slightly short of encouraging.
Overall, I am tired of grieving. I am tired of not getting my way. I am tired of having to carry this heavy cross. Yet, I believe that good things are coming our way! I am having a hard time praying. I am having a hard time finding comfort in knowing that God can do all things but still let my heart suffer. I know that this too will pass, so I will keep my chin up and wait for the sun to shine on my face once again.
On tuesday, 7/21, I will have my phone consultation with Dr. Hilgers and I am struggling to come up with intelligent questions. I am trying to not focus on blaming, but focus on a new plan of action. Thank you for all of the prayers you all are saying on our behalf. My heart thanks you and I am so grateful. I am lifting you all up in prayers. It is easier to pray for you all, rather than for myself.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
On the bandwagon!
Just a quick update to say that today is better. I only had tears once today. That is major improvement.
I am also wanting to quickly share that I have got on the bandwagon by starting with Reliv. I am so excited. My friend and her mom are both distrutors and J and I signed up last night too. J and I had our first shake last night, yum. I had one this morning, J did not. His loss. I find that I am not drowsy today. I ate less for lunch and had more vegetables than usual and I am satisfied. Good thinngs are gonna happen! My mom bought me a plaque with that saying and I keep reminding myself of that.
Blessings to you all and thank you so much for your prayers and support. I am in such awe that I have this support system of the most amazing women I know. I am thankful to God every day for you all and that God led me to find friendship and encouragement here! Who'd thunk it???
I am also wanting to quickly share that I have got on the bandwagon by starting with Reliv. I am so excited. My friend and her mom are both distrutors and J and I signed up last night too. J and I had our first shake last night, yum. I had one this morning, J did not. His loss. I find that I am not drowsy today. I ate less for lunch and had more vegetables than usual and I am satisfied. Good thinngs are gonna happen! My mom bought me a plaque with that saying and I keep reminding myself of that.
Blessings to you all and thank you so much for your prayers and support. I am in such awe that I have this support system of the most amazing women I know. I am thankful to God every day for you all and that God led me to find friendship and encouragement here! Who'd thunk it???
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sadness
Today was a sad day for me. I could not escape it. Someone who knows that pain of M/C sat right in front of my desk today and talked nonstop about her young unmarried daughter who had a baby girl the week after we lost our baby. I could almost handle it, until I found out that she knew that how bad it was for me and my husband. I had mentioned how grateful I was that Fr. Whitney (the priest who did our pre marriage counseling with us and officiated our wedding) came by to visit me and administer the annointing of the sick the day after my surgery and she told me that he told her he went to see me. She is his housekeeper. It was fine that she knew. No secret there, it is what Fr. Whitney told her that brought me so much pain. She said that Fr. Whitney told her how bad off I was at the time, but she told me that Fr. Whitney told her that they really need to pray for J because he was "really torn up about what happened." I don't mind them talking about me, but I did want them to talk about my husband and his wounded emotions. I thought I was the only one to really see his suffering heart. Why does life have to been this damn hard?
On the day of our anniversary, I was so determined to celebrate our love for one another and how lucky we are to have one another. Yet, when I checked my mail that afternoon, I got all of the medical records I requested from my recent hospitalization. Well the description of my last ultrasound on my baby's feast day, I was slapped in the face. I read that they could see the fetal pole and CARDIAC ACTIVITY! I can't get that out of my mind. They calculated the baby to be 6w2d old based on the crown to rump measurements. This is the only real description I have of my baby. I really thought that the baby, Nicky, really had already been surrendered to God before my surgery and I am haunted by what I imagine. I know that there is no way Nicky could grow and develop in the position they were in, but I am being haunted nonetheless. The only consolation that I had that day was being fully immersed in knowing that God was sending hope my way. As you all know, dragonflies were very present to me at the beginning of my miracle pregnancy. They remained present to me throughout the glorious time that I was enjoying my miracle pregnancy. On the day of my anniversary, the quad at the retreat center was SWARMED with DRAGONFLIES!!!!! The first thought was that God was telling us to not give up! Telling us not to lose HOPE! Then later that night, I realized that maybe this was a gift from God to remind us that our little Nicky is well and enjoying their Heaven. Like St. Therese said she will spend her heaven doing good on earth. I believe that Nicky and Sam will do the same.
A little update on my aunt. Yes, she is only 39 and had a heart attack. She lost her husband when her two boys were only 1 and 2 years old. She just remarried in May 09 to a man we are hoping to learn to appreciate. Years ago when she was battling breast cancer, she asked J and I to committ to taking care of her two boys if anything would ever happen to her. She is only 8 years older than me and has had a hard life, but her boys have had it harder. We love them very much but would love it so much more for her to be the mother they deserve and for them to have their mom for many more years. That doesn't seem likely at this point. Her body is going down so fast and they are not sure exactly what is going on with her heart. She is possibly getting out of the hospital tomorrow, all we can do is pray at this point.
I am sorry that this blog is filled with so much grief.
On the day of our anniversary, I was so determined to celebrate our love for one another and how lucky we are to have one another. Yet, when I checked my mail that afternoon, I got all of the medical records I requested from my recent hospitalization. Well the description of my last ultrasound on my baby's feast day, I was slapped in the face. I read that they could see the fetal pole and CARDIAC ACTIVITY! I can't get that out of my mind. They calculated the baby to be 6w2d old based on the crown to rump measurements. This is the only real description I have of my baby. I really thought that the baby, Nicky, really had already been surrendered to God before my surgery and I am haunted by what I imagine. I know that there is no way Nicky could grow and develop in the position they were in, but I am being haunted nonetheless. The only consolation that I had that day was being fully immersed in knowing that God was sending hope my way. As you all know, dragonflies were very present to me at the beginning of my miracle pregnancy. They remained present to me throughout the glorious time that I was enjoying my miracle pregnancy. On the day of my anniversary, the quad at the retreat center was SWARMED with DRAGONFLIES!!!!! The first thought was that God was telling us to not give up! Telling us not to lose HOPE! Then later that night, I realized that maybe this was a gift from God to remind us that our little Nicky is well and enjoying their Heaven. Like St. Therese said she will spend her heaven doing good on earth. I believe that Nicky and Sam will do the same.
A little update on my aunt. Yes, she is only 39 and had a heart attack. She lost her husband when her two boys were only 1 and 2 years old. She just remarried in May 09 to a man we are hoping to learn to appreciate. Years ago when she was battling breast cancer, she asked J and I to committ to taking care of her two boys if anything would ever happen to her. She is only 8 years older than me and has had a hard life, but her boys have had it harder. We love them very much but would love it so much more for her to be the mother they deserve and for them to have their mom for many more years. That doesn't seem likely at this point. Her body is going down so fast and they are not sure exactly what is going on with her heart. She is possibly getting out of the hospital tomorrow, all we can do is pray at this point.
I am sorry that this blog is filled with so much grief.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Empty House to Full House!
We had a full house tonight and I got a quick taste of how hard it is to juggle meeting the needs of 8 month old, a 11 year old, 1 busy-needy kitten, and one set in her ways cat! I thought it would all be too much, but I found enough energy to do all that needed to be done, thanks to a very helpful husband. We had planned to have M (the 11 year old who has been with us alot of the last 10 years when my aunt would get sick or need respite) for the night because his 39 year old mom has a heart attack on Monday and is stil in the hospital. Then my SiL called to see if we could babysit our godchild for the night. We missed him and while I thought it would be too much to handle, I said yes. Well the night turned out to be wonderful (so far, Little G is still sleeping). We even had the inlaws come by bc they found out we had their youngest grandchild here and they missed him too. I have never seen them enjoy him so much. They were on the floor playing with him, they don't even do this with him at their own home. It was a privelege to see. Both kiddos had a great time playing with Baylie which gave Daisy a break! Now, Baylie is sleeping, G is sleeping, and M is going to bed right now. What a night!
In cycle news, I am on cd 9 with the first two days being VL and there is no flow now. This is amazing to me. I was really scared that because of my history with irregular bleeding, I would not stop bleeding once I started after the emergency surgery.
We took M to see UP at noon today and I really learned alot about letting go . . . about not getting attached to only one way, and learning not to substitute personal possestions for relationships with people!
Well, here are a few pics from this evening. Enjoy! Oh, and excuse my dirty house, I cleaned before, but you could not tell that by these pics! He loved the spatula and bowl almost more than the toys :)
In cycle news, I am on cd 9 with the first two days being VL and there is no flow now. This is amazing to me. I was really scared that because of my history with irregular bleeding, I would not stop bleeding once I started after the emergency surgery.
We took M to see UP at noon today and I really learned alot about letting go . . . about not getting attached to only one way, and learning not to substitute personal possestions for relationships with people!
Well, here are a few pics from this evening. Enjoy! Oh, and excuse my dirty house, I cleaned before, but you could not tell that by these pics! He loved the spatula and bowl almost more than the toys :)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Happy 9th Anniversary!
Today, J and I are celebrating our 9th anniversary! This year was extra special for us and we took special care in celebrating our marriage today. God has truly blessed us!
I stole this from Living Advent! I thought it would be fun to take some time to reflect on our lives so far!
1. Where/how did you meet: We met at Southern Marble. I had just got a second job while making my way through college. When I pulled in the parking lot for my interview, I knew in my gut that wanted me to know that I would meet my husband there. The funny thing is that when I met the guy who owned the company, I thought God surely has a sense of humor since he was much older than me. I then met some of the other men who worked there (I was the only female besides the owners mom and new wife) who were much older too. Then one day, J walked in the showroom where I worked and we immediately hit it off! God was right, imagine that.
2. How long have you known each other: 10 1/2 years!
3. How long after you met did you start dating: 2 weeks
4. How long did you date before you were engaged: 7 1/2 months
5. How long was your engagement: 10 months
6. How long have you been married: 2 years
7. What is your anniversary: July 1
8. How many people came to your wedding reception: 160
9. What kind of cake did you serve: traditional white cake with vanilla frosting - It was a big hit. It had beautiful little white dots all over and was 3 tiers.
10. Where was your wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception
11. What did you serve for your meal: Crawfish Etouffee
12. How many people were there in your bridal party: 4
13. Are you still friends with them all: yes
14. Did you or your spouse cry during the ceremony: Yes - we both did!
15. Most special moment of your wedding day: It was all so memorable. I do remember the sharing of peace. We had three priests at our wedding and one of them prayed the entire time and he gave us a special message that God placed on his heart to share with us at that time. He was just so humbled to share the message with us and you can hear him share it with us on the video!
16. Any funny moments: everybody left the church before us and we had to carry out altar flowers because there was a wedding that was going to start shortly after ours. We also rode to the reception in a minivan in the rain! It was a perfect sunny day and then the rain poured down! Our priest told everyone at the mass that there was enough sunshine in the two of us to not be bothered by the weather!
17. Any big disasters: Fortunately we didn't really have any big disasters on the wedding day. Before the wedding day there was of course some drama. My dress almost got stained from when I took my bridal pictures. I took some photos before the weeding a few weeks early at a plantation home and someone overwatered some plants and my train got stained. It all came out, but I was so worried! 18. Where did you go on your honeymoon: We took a cruise to Cozumel, Progresso, and Playa de Carmen. It was wonderful! We spent most of our time in the small cabin! We were so happy in love!
19. How long were you gone: One week
20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change: I would have been more patient with my Mom! She was having a hard time letting go.
21. What side of the bed do you sleep on: usually on the side closest to the bathroom :)
22. What size is your bed: King
23. Greatest strength as a couple: Our understanding that nothing can be taken for granted.
24. Greatest challenge as a couple: IF, Miscarriage, Ectopic Pregnancy
25. Who literally pays the bills: I write the checks and mail them! He makes most of the money!
26. What is your song: "I will be here" by Stephen Curtis Chapman
27. What did you dance your first dance to: same as #26
28. Describe your wedding dress: a beautiful white gown with lots of beading and crystals. It had short beaded sleeves and a cathedral train.
29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding: roses and orchids all in white, light pink and lavender
30. Are your wedding bands engraved? What do they say? His is with "Beyond ALL-ways" which means that I will love for always and unconditionally in all ways. My ring was too narrow to have engraving.
This was so much fun! I really liked thinking about the special times in our special day!
I stole this from Living Advent! I thought it would be fun to take some time to reflect on our lives so far!
1. Where/how did you meet: We met at Southern Marble. I had just got a second job while making my way through college. When I pulled in the parking lot for my interview, I knew in my gut that wanted me to know that I would meet my husband there. The funny thing is that when I met the guy who owned the company, I thought God surely has a sense of humor since he was much older than me. I then met some of the other men who worked there (I was the only female besides the owners mom and new wife) who were much older too. Then one day, J walked in the showroom where I worked and we immediately hit it off! God was right, imagine that.
2. How long have you known each other: 10 1/2 years!
3. How long after you met did you start dating: 2 weeks
4. How long did you date before you were engaged: 7 1/2 months
5. How long was your engagement: 10 months
6. How long have you been married: 2 years
7. What is your anniversary: July 1
8. How many people came to your wedding reception: 160
9. What kind of cake did you serve: traditional white cake with vanilla frosting - It was a big hit. It had beautiful little white dots all over and was 3 tiers.
10. Where was your wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception
11. What did you serve for your meal: Crawfish Etouffee
12. How many people were there in your bridal party: 4
13. Are you still friends with them all: yes
14. Did you or your spouse cry during the ceremony: Yes - we both did!
15. Most special moment of your wedding day: It was all so memorable. I do remember the sharing of peace. We had three priests at our wedding and one of them prayed the entire time and he gave us a special message that God placed on his heart to share with us at that time. He was just so humbled to share the message with us and you can hear him share it with us on the video!
16. Any funny moments: everybody left the church before us and we had to carry out altar flowers because there was a wedding that was going to start shortly after ours. We also rode to the reception in a minivan in the rain! It was a perfect sunny day and then the rain poured down! Our priest told everyone at the mass that there was enough sunshine in the two of us to not be bothered by the weather!
17. Any big disasters: Fortunately we didn't really have any big disasters on the wedding day. Before the wedding day there was of course some drama. My dress almost got stained from when I took my bridal pictures. I took some photos before the weeding a few weeks early at a plantation home and someone overwatered some plants and my train got stained. It all came out, but I was so worried! 18. Where did you go on your honeymoon: We took a cruise to Cozumel, Progresso, and Playa de Carmen. It was wonderful! We spent most of our time in the small cabin! We were so happy in love!
19. How long were you gone: One week
20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change: I would have been more patient with my Mom! She was having a hard time letting go.
21. What side of the bed do you sleep on: usually on the side closest to the bathroom :)
22. What size is your bed: King
23. Greatest strength as a couple: Our understanding that nothing can be taken for granted.
24. Greatest challenge as a couple: IF, Miscarriage, Ectopic Pregnancy
25. Who literally pays the bills: I write the checks and mail them! He makes most of the money!
26. What is your song: "I will be here" by Stephen Curtis Chapman
27. What did you dance your first dance to: same as #26
28. Describe your wedding dress: a beautiful white gown with lots of beading and crystals. It had short beaded sleeves and a cathedral train.
29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding: roses and orchids all in white, light pink and lavender
30. Are your wedding bands engraved? What do they say? His is with "Beyond ALL-ways" which means that I will love for always and unconditionally in all ways. My ring was too narrow to have engraving.
This was so much fun! I really liked thinking about the special times in our special day!
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