Cycle Stuff

Well, a new cycle started yesterday. It is so funny to go from being traumitized when discovering that, to being thankful that you have a new cycle to try to get better. Emotionally, I have been in a better place since going to Holy Mass yesterday and receeiving the Eucharist. J and I prayed together yesterday, which is a huge step for the two of us these days. We even had a in-depth discussion about why I feeled we are called to be open to adoption and that we have to work (lay the foundation) for that to happen. J seems to think that a baby can just fall out of the sky. He said that he is open to a newborn of our race. But he is resistant to having to work toward that goal. Yesterday was not a day to avoid hurting feelings, it was all about getting all our feelings out in the open. While we had lunch before going to see my in-law's, I asked him if he thought I was going to listen to his mom go on forever about how their newest grandbaby is doing and his sister is a terrible mother? He got upset and said "Are you always going to be like this?" I simply said "Maybe so." This discussion was before the one about adoption.
I appear to be obsessed. I feel like I am still in the nesting stage that pregnant mothers are in before the baby arrives. I was in a store the other day and I was drawn to look at the infant clothing, etc. My husband interrupted me and said "What are you doing?" You don't want to know what I said to him then. He was a little shocked himself. All of these changes in hormones are seriously getting the better of me. I did start a new cycle yesterday. It was vl at first, and then during the night I woke up in terrible pain. The pain was so intense on my left side, I felt like someone had stabbed me there. I know, a little dramatic. Well, I managed to get out of bed and find one of my pontsels. I could not muster up the strength to get the heating pad or plug it in for that matter. The pain finally eased up about an hour and half later to where I could fall asleep again. When I got up to go to work, I was fine. The pontsel was still in my system. Well, about an hour after getting to work, I was in so much pain and bleeding so heavy, I took two tylenols thinking that would get me through the day, but I could not make it. I had to call in a volunteer and take the afternoon off. I am still bleeding so heavy and I have not had this in so long. I have to keep running back and forth to the bathroom. Today at work the pain on the left side was so intense, it took my breath away. I was so blown away by the pain that I couldn't help but cry. It doesn't help that I am so worried that something is screwed up from the surgery the doctor did when I had the left tube removed because of the pregnancy rupturing it.
As of this moment, my plan is to try to get a Napro doctor in Houston, I just live a little over 2 hrs away from Houston. I want to see what is causing this pain. Last cycle I had the same kind of pain in the same left area and it always makes my back on the left hurt too. It is like the pain goes straigt through. I can't seem to find a new obgyn in my area right now, but (BUT!!) if I get pregnant, I can see the one I really wanted to choose. I need to do a cycle review. I finally got my new charts in. Now, I have to transfer some of the information.
I thought the pain was getting better, yeah right. I just went to walk around the house and the pain is still there and much, much more pronounced on the left side. This is really making me want to panic. The pontsel does relieve some of it, but right now, it is still there. This pain is not typical cramping pain, it a different pain all together.
I do have to say a huge thank you to all of you who have been praying for us. I believe that the progress J and I made yesterday was nothing short of a miracle.
I will offer up my suffering right now for all of you!
On a sad note, on saturday night on our way home from town I was sad and not really talking to J (don't ya love those kinds of moments) and so I just looked at the dark sky - filled with stars and one star really caught my attention. The thought that immediatley came to me was that I am about as close to that star as I am to our little Nicky. I just felt so far away . . . like the separation would never, ever be removed. I know what my faith tells me, but my heart just ached for a while after that.