I have been having some emotional turmoil this week when people just feel it is their responsiblity to remind us that there are many children who are needing to be adopted. Really? I would have never guessed. Oh, and by the way . . . the reason we have not chose to do that is not because we are selfish or unaware of the fact that that is a wonderful way to build a family. Unfortunately, we are still trying to see if my body can nurture human life. We are putting all of your resources - prayer, money, energy, etc into that right now. I almost fell off that bandwagon this week. All of the sudden, I just wanted to quit all the trying. All of the waiting. Yet, just because we start the adoption process is no reason to believe that we will wait less to meet and hold our child. There is too many awful comments to even mention. Yet even my Spiritual Director mentioned using ART to me. I was blown away. I am so tired of being around people who are in catholic leadership who do not honor the teachings of the catholic church. I told them that the ART she was referring to was against church teaching and they just asked me "So that means you wouldn't do it?" Seriously, I am suprised I did not just walk out right there. Why does Satan use so many different ways to get to us? I am feeling attacked at all sides. I am really having a difficult time with my working environment and was even encouraged to open up my own private day care this week. I will discern that as well as try to figure out if I would rather just get my educaiton certification. I am struggling in so many areas.
I do want to adopt. I do want to have a baby naturally. Why do I have to choose? I want them all. I want all the children that God desires for me to raise to glorify Him. Yesterday, J asked me which direction I wanted to go and while he asked, he wasn't really open to pursuing adoption at this time. I keep reminding myself that somehow, God can be using him to keep us on track to being blessed with our miracle. We will see. Only time will tell. I am not trying to be sad or down on J, this is just the way things are at this time. I believe that miracles still happen every day and ours will come at just the right time. I believe that we are still under God's care and that my suffering is life! My suffering is like the labor before holding that beautiful new creation in your arms and kissing them for the first time. I believe that my suffering is birthing something beautiful. I pray that that the will be a time when I can enjoy the sunlight in spite of the rain, finding the rainbow that God uses to remind that I will never be drowned by the suffering, but that His never ending love will be my dry shore.
On a lighter note, I changed the pictures on the blog! Let me know what you think!
I like the new pictures. Very unique. I can't stand the liberal Catholics either. My own mother sort of falls into that category. She knows of people who are cafeteria Catholics who used ART and are now parents. She suggests it...but I tell her that those means of achieving a pregnancy are not in accordance with the church and what we believe is God's will for us. We don't want a third party in the making of our new life. She knows this but I don't think she understands. And whose to say those things would even work for us! I don't know. I just blow it off and move on with what I feel is right. Adoption is tough too because there's not a whole of birthmothers giving up their babies (around me anyways). We've been on a list for over 2 years now. Once again...I just try to live my life and wait as patiently as possible for the Lord's guidance and answers. I pray that you find that rainbow. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteI like the new pic, too!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the adoption thing. Fertile people suggest it all the time, like they are the ones first bringing it to our attention... like we're going to go, "Adoption?? ... Oh my, what a splendid idea! Let me get right on that." And then in their warped minds they think as soon as we DO get on board with it, we'll have a baby in no time.
Well, maybe it works that way for some people. The "fertile adoptive parents" as I like to call them- the ones who never even THOUGHT of adoption, then get a call that a baby is waiting for them... they become parents before even being Home Study approved. Yeah. Nice. That irks me AS MUCH AS the people who get pg immediately after coming off contraception.
OK, so it seems I've hijacked your post :) Just wanted to say I know how you feel. I don't want to choose between bio and adoptive kids, either! I want kids, I don't care HOW!!!
I would have been just as upset as you were hearing your spiritual director suggest ART. It is ridiculous to see things like that going on in the Church. I hope your prayers are answered and you find the right path for you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I like the picture.
I love what you said about your suffering birthing something beautiful. That is a beautiful thought!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe your spiritual director said that to you, but then again, I can. I have had a priest say it to me before as well. I know what a let down it is to hear that from someone you look up to for guidance. But I think when people say those things it may be God revealing to us a real need to pray for them. I wish that all those in Church leadership would follow and teach the Church's teachings. When you think about it, it is absurd that it's not a given!
And I love your pictures. The one on top reminds me of either a pregnant belly full of multiples (well, that many would be dangerous!!) or an ovary full of eggs!!
Is that a grape hyacinth? What a lovely photo.
ReplyDeleteI too am severely irked by the "just" adopt comments (clearly, being infertile has nothing to do with a complicated medical condition, and is an ex nihilo creation designed solely to get me to consider adoption. Which is effortless, by the way. I find God always works through a massive incompetent bureaucracy...).
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with rude comments. It always gets me that people suddenly become so concerned about all the children who need adopting when they want ME to do it. I always want to ask whether THEY'VE considered giving a child a home!
ReplyDeleteI think adoption is wonderful, but to have it suggested as some kind of easy answer to the problem of infertility is very frustrating. God knows your heart, and I trust that He will lead you (and me) in the right direction, whether it is to pursue biological children, or adoption, or both.
Thinking of you.
(I like the new pics!)