All over the place!

Emotionally, that is.

I have not been a happy camper for at least a week. Yeah, just the perfect formula a healthy marriage and a happy husband.

I have not wanted to get up to go to work this week, at all! I have done very few things around the house, etc. I have just felt so tired, drained, and depressed. Each day, I managed to get out from under the covers and trek it in to work. I thought seriously that I was having depression symptoms. But the truth of the matter is that I am not happy at my job. I don't know what else I want to do. If we could just afford for me to stay home for awhile, I would. Yet, I wonder if the simple act of having to get dressed every morning and getting up is what is helping me not lose this fight against completely giving up. I am not happy with alot of things in my life. My extended family is in shambles and they are bickering all the time, we try to help one person out and then that bites you where the sun don't shine. My husband is in the midst of grief, but denying it and will not go to the throne of grace with me. I seriously think that the only bright thing in my life right now is those two kitties. They can bring a smile to my face all the time.
Last night, I had horrible dreams. I have been trying to pray and it is almost like the words don't come.
Yesterday, I saw a pregnant woman at about 5 months and that is about where I would be right now. I seriously cried from around 11 am until around 5 pm off and on this silent tears that just come out of nowhere. Thankfully, for the most part, I was in the office with out too many interruptions. I think what made this so hard is that this is a woman who talked with me after I was in the hospital after losing Nicky. She called to tell me how sorry she was for my loss and how she had been praying for me. I don't doubt her sincerity, I just could not face her bc I did not know that she was pregnant at the same time I was.
I feel like I am in a constant state of misery. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels refusing to face reality bc my husband only wants one way to build a family. Oh, that is not entirely true, he believes that I am too impatient iwth waiting my doctor's approaches to work and that I would be rushing into adoption prematurely. He has told me clearly that he doesn't think that he can love an adopted child the way he would love a biological child or even love the adopted child at all. I know for a fact that he will fall madly in love with any child we will have, he is just not able to recognize this in himself yet. We are getting older. My reproductive system is tired of being messed with. My left side still hurts and people tell me I am still healing, heck, it has been the longest three months of my life so far.
I don't typically have such negative posts, but today is the day for one. This post would have been a whole lot uglier if I had done it last night. At least I woke up in a bettter mood (somewhat) at 10:30 am, I first woke up at 6 am and cried myself back to sleep.
I am tired of hurting, I am tired of making countless calls to the pharmacy or trips there to get meds. I am tired of disagreeing with my husband on the two most important things in our lives. I am once again giving it to God. I really need him to come to my aid. God, if I can't have it one way, please give me the other thing I desrie.

Now, that all being said, I should be starting a new cycle soon. Like today! If it would ever start. There is no reason to worry about a pregnancy this time, so AF arrive already. I think that I am not tolerating my feelings well bc of the changes in the hormones. Easy to blame, but it is at this time that all of my dissatisfactions are magnified. But, seriously, the pain stinks and I really desire to be praying openly with my husband about the will of God in our lives. I know that I cannot rush his grief work and miraculously get him to trust God again, but I can pray for it passionately.
On a weird note, I had a dream that J and I had to babies. Literally, two babies but different ages. They were both so adorable and loving. Then I woke up with the telephone ringing. What a way to start the day.