Making Progress & Ramblings

I am almost done with the clomid this cycle. I am so happy, because I have had the wildest range of emotions lately and it did not help that I hurt a tooth and had to hunt down a dentist and have some dental work done yesterday. It came out of nowhere and really hurt. I felt like so whiny, but it was more miserable than the worst cramps I have ever had before. I had to go to a new dentist, but he did well, but I think it needs a little more work bc I am still trying to drink and eat only on one side of my mouth. I don't have dental insurance, so I had to pay a huge amount of money! We are trying so hard to watch our spending so much, but this was necessary.
Today we had a great day! It started out busy, though. I had two little boys, ages 4 and 5 who came by my house with their grandpas this morning and while J was outside with the men, I was watching the two busy and talkative boys! They are both so sweet and BUSY! They had fun trying to "TRAP" Baylie so they could pet her. She loved it! She had fun playing with them, so much so that when they went out to the porch, she cried for them.
In other news, we went to buy new cat bowls today. Simple you say, but they are so adorable. We found a great bargain for some really cute ones at Ross. We had some cute ones before, but poor Baylie was like a little orphan and would eat out of the pathetic little blue bowl we had, so now she & Daisy each have their own food bowl and share one for water. Baylie is a little hog, so Daisy would always just let her win when eating, so we give them each their own bowl. They were only a $1.99 each.
I recently bought a new comforter and sheets for our spare bedroom and it turned out great. My tastes have been changing lately, I love bold colors these days.
Some news to be thankful about is that I think that J is really beginning to understand how much I want to be a mother and that I am fully open to doing that through the miracle of adoption. He has actually been bringing up short comments about what the future will hold for us. I have just been very assertive in expressing myself and I have tried a million different ways to make this crystal clear, but only yesterday do I think he really "Got It". I want to raise children, I don't have to give birth to them for me to love them. I told him that I felt we have been going in opposite directions in regard to building our family for some time. This is not to say that I do not want to being open to life in my own womb, but I want to be able to be open to any life that could possibly be brought into our family. I am not trying to say that I think it is hopeless for me to get pregnant again or possibly bring a new baby to a healthy birth, but I want to know that if that doesn't happen, we can find another way to grow our family. I think he is really getting it because today he acknowledges that we will try a few more months to see how I respond to the meds and then we will go from there. That is his way of saying he is trying to be open. My heart just soared. Baby steps, I am so thankful for them. The prayers must be working. Actually, I have been asking for the intercession of St. Monica recently in regard to helping to restore that common goals that J and I have in our family. She has been a good role model for me lately. I am also praying for St. Gerard's intercession. I am keeping those saints busy!
On a completely different note, we are trying to get ready to have Baylie's front claws removed and the vet keeps suggesting that we get her spayed at the same time. I just have such a hard time making an animal inable to reproduce. Not that we want kittens or plan to let her be an outside cat, I just am so sensitive about this. I feel like our society neuters everything. I am a silly girl. I know that I will have to do this, I just wish I did not feel so concerned about it. Daisy was spayed already when we adopted her. Please someone tell me I am nuts to be worried about this! I think that I am just on fertility awareness overload and need to get my head on straight. I just feel like I am taking something away from her, but I don't want her going into heat all the time either. I wonder if there is anyone else who has ever stressed about this? My insanity is coming through, loud and clear!!!

Anyway, enough rambling, I have to go start dinner. I have been so hungry latley and I don't have anything to blame it on.

Yah for less pain!!!

I am finally feeling better. I have been taking pontsel every six hours on the dot though. I still have some back pain on the left, but basically I am 90% better than yesterday. I am so thankful to be feeling better. Did a cycle review today. They were concerned about the pain I was experiencing. If the pontsel did not work, I think I would be panicking. I am trying to not let fear drown out any of the light God is trying to shed into my life and soul at this time. I will continue on all of the meds and vitamins, except we are going to change up the clomid dose and see how this will help me have an earlier P day and increase my hormone levels. I can't wait to see if this works. We will continue to avoid days of fertility until I have good levels of progesterone and estradoil.
As I am typing this, I wonder where this hope that a better cycle is possible is coming from? I am hoping that I do not overstimulate my poor overworked and tired ovaries. I am supposed to be using this time of "avoiding fertility" to work on developing healthy eating habits and learning to exercise MORE! I have been feeling so bad, that has not happened. Everyday is a new beginning though!! I can keep getting back up.
The nurse did tell me the result of my cortisol level at the 9am draw on 8/14. The result was 9.9 (I think) and she did not tell me when Dr. Hilgers will determine if I have adrenal fatigue or not and if there is a treatment plan we can start.
Does anyone have any ideas about what my results could mean or how do these compare with the results you have had when tested? Any imput will be helpful!

Cycle Stuff

Well, a new cycle started yesterday. It is so funny to go from being traumitized when discovering that, to being thankful that you have a new cycle to try to get better. Emotionally, I have been in a better place since going to Holy Mass yesterday and receeiving the Eucharist. J and I prayed together yesterday, which is a huge step for the two of us these days. We even had a in-depth discussion about why I feeled we are called to be open to adoption and that we have to work (lay the foundation) for that to happen. J seems to think that a baby can just fall out of the sky. He said that he is open to a newborn of our race. But he is resistant to having to work toward that goal. Yesterday was not a day to avoid hurting feelings, it was all about getting all our feelings out in the open. While we had lunch before going to see my in-law's, I asked him if he thought I was going to listen to his mom go on forever about how their newest grandbaby is doing and his sister is a terrible mother? He got upset and said "Are you always going to be like this?" I simply said "Maybe so." This discussion was before the one about adoption.
I appear to be obsessed. I feel like I am still in the nesting stage that pregnant mothers are in before the baby arrives. I was in a store the other day and I was drawn to look at the infant clothing, etc. My husband interrupted me and said "What are you doing?" You don't want to know what I said to him then. He was a little shocked himself. All of these changes in hormones are seriously getting the better of me. I did start a new cycle yesterday. It was vl at first, and then during the night I woke up in terrible pain. The pain was so intense on my left side, I felt like someone had stabbed me there. I know, a little dramatic. Well, I managed to get out of bed and find one of my pontsels. I could not muster up the strength to get the heating pad or plug it in for that matter. The pain finally eased up about an hour and half later to where I could fall asleep again. When I got up to go to work, I was fine. The pontsel was still in my system. Well, about an hour after getting to work, I was in so much pain and bleeding so heavy, I took two tylenols thinking that would get me through the day, but I could not make it. I had to call in a volunteer and take the afternoon off. I am still bleeding so heavy and I have not had this in so long. I have to keep running back and forth to the bathroom. Today at work the pain on the left side was so intense, it took my breath away. I was so blown away by the pain that I couldn't help but cry. It doesn't help that I am so worried that something is screwed up from the surgery the doctor did when I had the left tube removed because of the pregnancy rupturing it.
As of this moment, my plan is to try to get a Napro doctor in Houston, I just live a little over 2 hrs away from Houston. I want to see what is causing this pain. Last cycle I had the same kind of pain in the same left area and it always makes my back on the left hurt too. It is like the pain goes straigt through. I can't seem to find a new obgyn in my area right now, but (BUT!!) if I get pregnant, I can see the one I really wanted to choose. I need to do a cycle review. I finally got my new charts in. Now, I have to transfer some of the information.
I thought the pain was getting better, yeah right. I just went to walk around the house and the pain is still there and much, much more pronounced on the left side. This is really making me want to panic. The pontsel does relieve some of it, but right now, it is still there. This pain is not typical cramping pain, it a different pain all together.
I do have to say a huge thank you to all of you who have been praying for us. I believe that the progress J and I made yesterday was nothing short of a miracle.
I will offer up my suffering right now for all of you!
On a sad note, on saturday night on our way home from town I was sad and not really talking to J (don't ya love those kinds of moments) and so I just looked at the dark sky - filled with stars and one star really caught my attention. The thought that immediatley came to me was that I am about as close to that star as I am to our little Nicky. I just felt so far away . . . like the separation would never, ever be removed. I know what my faith tells me, but my heart just ached for a while after that.

All over the place!

Emotionally, that is.

I have not been a happy camper for at least a week. Yeah, just the perfect formula a healthy marriage and a happy husband.

I have not wanted to get up to go to work this week, at all! I have done very few things around the house, etc. I have just felt so tired, drained, and depressed. Each day, I managed to get out from under the covers and trek it in to work. I thought seriously that I was having depression symptoms. But the truth of the matter is that I am not happy at my job. I don't know what else I want to do. If we could just afford for me to stay home for awhile, I would. Yet, I wonder if the simple act of having to get dressed every morning and getting up is what is helping me not lose this fight against completely giving up. I am not happy with alot of things in my life. My extended family is in shambles and they are bickering all the time, we try to help one person out and then that bites you where the sun don't shine. My husband is in the midst of grief, but denying it and will not go to the throne of grace with me. I seriously think that the only bright thing in my life right now is those two kitties. They can bring a smile to my face all the time.
Last night, I had horrible dreams. I have been trying to pray and it is almost like the words don't come.
Yesterday, I saw a pregnant woman at about 5 months and that is about where I would be right now. I seriously cried from around 11 am until around 5 pm off and on this silent tears that just come out of nowhere. Thankfully, for the most part, I was in the office with out too many interruptions. I think what made this so hard is that this is a woman who talked with me after I was in the hospital after losing Nicky. She called to tell me how sorry she was for my loss and how she had been praying for me. I don't doubt her sincerity, I just could not face her bc I did not know that she was pregnant at the same time I was.
I feel like I am in a constant state of misery. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels refusing to face reality bc my husband only wants one way to build a family. Oh, that is not entirely true, he believes that I am too impatient iwth waiting my doctor's approaches to work and that I would be rushing into adoption prematurely. He has told me clearly that he doesn't think that he can love an adopted child the way he would love a biological child or even love the adopted child at all. I know for a fact that he will fall madly in love with any child we will have, he is just not able to recognize this in himself yet. We are getting older. My reproductive system is tired of being messed with. My left side still hurts and people tell me I am still healing, heck, it has been the longest three months of my life so far.
I don't typically have such negative posts, but today is the day for one. This post would have been a whole lot uglier if I had done it last night. At least I woke up in a bettter mood (somewhat) at 10:30 am, I first woke up at 6 am and cried myself back to sleep.
I am tired of hurting, I am tired of making countless calls to the pharmacy or trips there to get meds. I am tired of disagreeing with my husband on the two most important things in our lives. I am once again giving it to God. I really need him to come to my aid. God, if I can't have it one way, please give me the other thing I desrie.

Now, that all being said, I should be starting a new cycle soon. Like today! If it would ever start. There is no reason to worry about a pregnancy this time, so AF arrive already. I think that I am not tolerating my feelings well bc of the changes in the hormones. Easy to blame, but it is at this time that all of my dissatisfactions are magnified. But, seriously, the pain stinks and I really desire to be praying openly with my husband about the will of God in our lives. I know that I cannot rush his grief work and miraculously get him to trust God again, but I can pray for it passionately.
On a weird note, I had a dream that J and I had to babies. Literally, two babies but different ages. They were both so adorable and loving. Then I woke up with the telephone ringing. What a way to start the day.

Above All . . .

Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
We are, quite naturally,
impatient in everything to reach the end
without delay.
We should like to skip
the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being
on the way to something unkown,
something new,
And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stage of instability -
And that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you
Your ideas matrue gradually -
let them grow
let them shape themselves,
without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today
what time (that is to say, grace and
circumstances acting
on your own good will)
will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of
feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

-Margaret B. Guenther, “Seasons in Spiritual Direction” in
Handbook of Spirituality for Ministers, pages. 306-308

Ho Hum Days

The days have been going so slowly these days. Although, I would like to let this day go on for awhile since I took the day off from work. I had my blood draw today for p+7, although today is only P+6. I also did the blood draw for the cortisol level. I am quite interested in finding out what these results will be. I did have to speak to a nurse to find out how to time my injections (hcg) since I was having to do the blood draw one day earlier this cycle. She just told me to skip the injection for p+5 and then resume on P+7. This made me very happy bc I am just really nervous how my body seems to be responding to all of these fertility meds since this cycle. This cycle has been very different for me and I was very afraid that my ovaries were not responding well to all of the meds. It has actually been better today. I have been having some off the wall symptoms and it got me so nervous and made me wonder if this is the right path for us right now. J seems to have faith that we need to observe the counsel of our primary physican and I wondered if I should somehow just listen to the signals my body is sending me. I will have to do another injection on saturday night, so we will see. I just don't feel normal in all of those tender areas and I get tired of people telling me that my body is still healing. I did not feel the same pains when I was on the two months on no fertility meds. I truly feel neurotic.
I did try to schedule an appt with a new doctor that I was really wanting to see and she is only taking ob patients. I let it go for a day, then I called back to see if she might change her mind knowing that I am trying to get pregnant. All they told me is that once I am pregnant, I can set up an appointment with her. I think it is best that I choose a new doctor, but I really feel like there is not a lot to choose from right now.
I almost lost it at the lab today. I finally got called back and when they did the draw, another girl came by and looked at the orders and started to prepare for the mailing of them to ppvi while the other girl did the draw. They wondered (out loud) why I was getting all of this done right in front of me. I humbling said this is what happens when you are SICK ALL THE TIME!!! Needless to say, they asked no more questions and then were very kind to me until I walked out.
If you would know me in real life, you would know that I go out of my way to be a kind, courteous patient. So I did not get mad, I was just forthright. Heck!! I am tired of being sick. I am tired of the doggone blood draws. The last time I was there was when I was pregnant and getting the beta hcg levels monitored. I was blown away by the receptionist's bulging belly. I swear she did not even look pregnant 3 months ago when I was there last.
I have to say that is the hardest part. Seeing bulging bellies that are so clearly full of life. It took everything I had inside of me to not crumple there on the floor in a teary mess.
I don't know how long I will be called to suffer, but I do know that I hope that I can do it well. Or, I should say better than I have done it in the past. A friend of my recently told me they are expecting (unexpectedly) baby number five. I was so happy for them, but realized that was my dream. To always be generating new life. One more layer ripped away. I am trusting that our third baby is waiting in the wings. Hopefully this will be one that we will be able to meet, hold, and love here on earth.

Changes

I have been having some emotional turmoil this week when people just feel it is their responsiblity to remind us that there are many children who are needing to be adopted. Really? I would have never guessed. Oh, and by the way . . . the reason we have not chose to do that is not because we are selfish or unaware of the fact that that is a wonderful way to build a family. Unfortunately, we are still trying to see if my body can nurture human life. We are putting all of your resources - prayer, money, energy, etc into that right now. I almost fell off that bandwagon this week. All of the sudden, I just wanted to quit all the trying. All of the waiting. Yet, just because we start the adoption process is no reason to believe that we will wait less to meet and hold our child. There is too many awful comments to even mention. Yet even my Spiritual Director mentioned using ART to me. I was blown away. I am so tired of being around people who are in catholic leadership who do not honor the teachings of the catholic church. I told them that the ART she was referring to was against church teaching and they just asked me "So that means you wouldn't do it?" Seriously, I am suprised I did not just walk out right there. Why does Satan use so many different ways to get to us? I am feeling attacked at all sides. I am really having a difficult time with my working environment and was even encouraged to open up my own private day care this week. I will discern that as well as try to figure out if I would rather just get my educaiton certification. I am struggling in so many areas.
I do want to adopt. I do want to have a baby naturally. Why do I have to choose? I want them all. I want all the children that God desires for me to raise to glorify Him. Yesterday, J asked me which direction I wanted to go and while he asked, he wasn't really open to pursuing adoption at this time. I keep reminding myself that somehow, God can be using him to keep us on track to being blessed with our miracle. We will see. Only time will tell. I am not trying to be sad or down on J, this is just the way things are at this time. I believe that miracles still happen every day and ours will come at just the right time. I believe that we are still under God's care and that my suffering is life! My suffering is like the labor before holding that beautiful new creation in your arms and kissing them for the first time. I believe that my suffering is birthing something beautiful. I pray that that the will be a time when I can enjoy the sunlight in spite of the rain, finding the rainbow that God uses to remind that I will never be drowned by the suffering, but that His never ending love will be my dry shore.

On a lighter note, I changed the pictures on the blog! Let me know what you think!

Good Weekend

This weekend turned out to be so busy! There is definitely some sleep deprivation going on in this household. I am on cd 19 (I think) and it seems that I am now P+1. Finally there was a P day! I am having a lot of strange feelings around my ovaries and my one tube today. It comes and goes and has been happening for almost this whole cycle. I am really concerned about it, but am so tired of worrying.
We had so much fun spending time with our dear friends and their family this weekend. We celebrated our godson's 1st birthday. We were around some amazing families and people who shared our values, truly a gift and something we don't take for granted anymore. I have been telling J that it would be great that if we would just keep hanging out with our super fertile friends that we would be fertile by osmosis. hahaha. It made it very hard to avoid days of fertility after you have just been so surrounded by fertility? Does this make any sense? It just seems to me that when I am surrounded by babies and little ones, I am so much more on fire to try to have one of my own. Lord, I am ready for you to make a highway in this desert of my body. Make me fertile, please God. I will continue to beg God to bring new life into our family. I am so happy for another blogger shared her happy news of pregnancy. It just gives me so much hope!
One last thought, I had some amazing conversation with my dear friend yesterday and was just so thankful that God uses friends to share his love and insight with us. I told her how I had struggled for a while about wondering if it was prudent to try to conceive again and that I blamed myself for harming my baby and getting angry with my body for it not only failing me, but failing my baby. She unquestionably immediately said "It is prudent to keep trying to be open to life. . .seek it with all your heart . . .beg God" I felt that God just reached down from heaven with another message to get me through the next few hurdles that are surely going to meet me on this journey. Very similiar to the first reading this morning from Mass. We need to be fed to be ready for the journey. I am so thankful for so many that feed me daily with hope, grace, and joy. To God be the glory!

Quiet Days

I have been stalking some blogs just waiting to see how this weekend went for those on the BW weekend. I was a little sad all weekend that I couldn't join yall. I am so glad it was so life=giving for those that went though! God is moving!
Life over here seems to be moving so slow! I am only on cd 14. I had had the strangest CM pattern that I had to just motivate myself to chart. I ran out of charts and tried to order one two weeks ago and no one sent one to me, so if any of you have some ideas on where I can order some new ones, let me know. I hate having to wait so long with the place I typically order them from, but it is mainly volunteers and no one works in the office on a regular basis. Enough about that.
I did try to get creative and did a chart on the computer so that I can see what is really happening. This could possibly be my P day, only time will tell. I am not having the kind of CM that we were able to conceive on so I am discouraged. We are supposed to avoid days of fertility right now and while that may sound freeing, it is very different and not all that much fun! There is a purpose in all of this. I am trying to lose a few pounds but I have been crazy hungry the last three days. Do people really get the munchies around ovulation time? We had homemade hamburgers tonight with some healthy ole doritos!! Oh, with a side of dill pickles :) Very nutritious I tell you!
Work has really been very difficult, but I finally did talk to my director and expressed my feelings. Thankfully, he listened objectively. I don't know if I accomplished anything, but I feel much better.
We have been having lots of game nights with my in-laws lately and it has been fun. You should see them love on our cats. It really suprises me how much joy they find in their little antics.
Baylie and Daisy are getting along great these days, although Daisy would probably love it if Bay was not such a hog when eating. We have to give Daisy a chance to eat by herself because Bay is such a little hungry monster! Fun days!
We will be heading out to see our godson this weekend in anticipation for his first birthday. I remember the day he was born. It was one month before my open surgery with Dr. H and I was so hopeful that I could find myself in the maternity ward in a year or so! Well, life does send us curveballs, but I am still so thankful that I was at the hospital the day he was born. Our sweet, little godson - we are so thankful for him!
Hope you all have a great week! Still saying prayers that we will all have many bright days ahead!