What is wrong with me?

I am having some tough days and nights lately. I am so miserable, but I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. For the past three nights, I get sleepy and head to bed at the same time as DH around 10:30, but I will lay on my side of the bed being flooded with thoughts. I lay there with my eyes open and then I just start crying, silent-never ending tears. I have weaned myself off of my pain meds bc I was running out around 4 days ago and I don't know if this has anything to do with it. I keep thinking these moments are going to pass, but when? At first when I returned home from the hospital, I could barely stand going to my bedroom bc that is where all of the drama of me passing out happened. It had gotten better, except last night all of those terrible feelings reappeared. My Dh is softly snoring next to me and I can't even pray with out being distracted by how wrong it was for me to have to go through such an ordeal and then come out of it not being two anymore but being just one. A mother without her baby once again. I don't want to say that I am in denial or was in denial, but the days and nights right now are just so hard. I have tears in my eyes right now bc what I am writing is so true. It is a terrible thing to not be able to control your emotions. I know I will have to go through all of the stages of grief all over again, but I don't want too.
I also have to go to see my d**n doctor tomorrow and I just do not want to see him. I don't want to go back to that dam* office again. I don't want to be around happy, normal pregnant women who appear to have no cares in the world. Dh is determined that when we conceive again, we will find another doctor. Nothing feels right any more, staying with this doctor or finding a new one. I am not sure I will even want to make myself so vulnerable again by being pregnant again. I am still hurting in my belly, but my heart is just still so broken. I need the Eucharist. I have not been able to go to mass and I wish someone would bring me communion. I will call my church on Tuesday to request this.
Onto another complaint. Dh and I made a brief appearance at my cousin's graduation party yesterday. We are very close and he graduated the day after I got out of the hospital,so I could not see him graduate. Well, anyway, at this party one of his cousins from the other side of the family showed us with her newborn son. I literally had to bite the inside of my lip to keep from crying at the very sight of that baby. I made my way inside and then one of my aunts came in to check on me. Which of course made me cry and I had yet to shed a tear. I was so unprepared for that and it is not fair for me to be saddened by the sight a new baby or a new mom. I need to rejoice in this bc I know just how fragile life can be, but my sorrow surfaced first. We ended up making a quick exit and went to a supercenter to pick up a few groceries and of course passed the baby section with lots of clearances. One outfit caught my eye, then I was sad again. I ran into some ladies I know and while one compassionately listened to my story and pain (yes, I cried again in the store) the other one seemed so pained to see me suffering, it seemed it took everything she had to hug me and keep from crying herself. The loss of the life of our little Nicky is causing people all over my part of the world to suffer and ask serious questions about why bad things happen to good people.
When I spoke to one of the wisest women I know about the terrible loss we just experienced (she is the mother of six, had several miscarriages, secondary IF, raising a special needs child, and lost one specail needs child unexpectely in the middle of the night when they were two years old)and she told me that while you are suffering now, God is making you into a more compassionate woman. She told me that I would be able to understand many women's stories and compassionately care for them in their suffering in the future. Well, the truth of the matter is, I think I was compassionate enough already. I know that is a terrible attitude to have, but I could have survived being callous and cold. So many others seem to do just fine with this.
My sil and her fiance came over with our 7 mo. old godson yesterday. It went well. I was prepared for this visit and it was good for me to love on him. I needed to see that big gummy smile and those lovely rolls on his legs. I keep desiring for adoption. It seems like such a less painful journey and that is why I am thing God may not call us to that just because we desire it so much. For the last several years, the most important thing for me was to be a mommy. I wanted to parent a child, right along side my dear husband. I had moved on from the need to be pregnant for that to happen . . . but what do I know. God will, and has done, things his way, not mine. He can move mountains when He desires to do so. I just wish the mountains he chose to move were the ones I wanted moved too.
One last thing, I am having such a hard time praying. I have not been saying my night prayers consistently. I used to do a lot of praying in the car on my commute to work. My whole routine is off. Last night, I diligently tried to pray and the words just got lost in thought. I could say the first few words and then my mind was off somewhere else. So please keep praying for me. My spiritual director told me that my suffering is my prayer right now and God doesn't need me to put those feelings into words right now. Healing will come, emotionally and physically. I believe it.
My Dh is shrimping right now. We do not live too far from the Gulf of Mexico (the same reason we have to run from Hurricanes) and his parents called him around 10am to let him know they were so many big shrimp where they were they already got their limit and they knew J would want some too. So J called his brother, got his boat ready and they headed out very quickly to get their limit of 25 lbs of shrimp. When I tell you all that we are cajun . . . this is why. I can't wait to have some fresh grilled shrimp though! Yummy

This little paragraph was from my morning meditation ( the first one I have done since I went into the hospital) and I wanted to share it with you all. It is from the word among website: http://wau.org/
"Right now, stop and take at few deep breaths. In your mind, imagine yourself breathing in the Spirit and breathing out your sin. Picture yourself accepting the Lord and his plans, and letting go of your own plans and visions. Know that what you are breathing in is pure, holy, and intoxicating. Jesus has great plans for every member of his church. And that includes you! "

Sending sunday blessings to you all!