Healing

I am just not having a good day today! I went to bed last night with a headache and woke up this morning with a headache. I think I miss all of my normal meds, especially the T3. Over the last few days, I find myself having moments of hot flashes and then I am shaking from the cold. At night, I can barely go to sleep bc my feet are freezing! Even with socks and extra layers of blankets. I am also so tired of not being able to sleep close to my husand. We have a king size bed and I have big pillows right in the middle to give some support on the left side which is the side that had the most damage from my surgery. I am actually getting better every day and the bruises are healing exceptionally well. I am really suprised. I have not taken a pain pill for over 24 hours and maybe this is what is adding pain to my headaches. I am moving around so much better and I was even able to make a spagetti dinner for my sweet husband last night. I was sore afterward from standing too long, but that went away quickly.
My sweet husband is so stressed and worn out. He returned to work on Tuesday and it has been really hard on him having been off for so long. He is having problems with a tendon on his right foot, so we are going to try to get him some z.coil shoes that will be special ordered. Has anyone ever heard of these, we heard this would help since he is on his feet all day long and on concrete. He works so hard to provide for us and I am so thankful. He really needs to rest this weekend. Even if he is resting well at night, every time I get up to go to the restroom, he wakes up to make sure I am okay.
I am going to be out of work for the next four weeks and I was grumpily told that I would have a full check today, but would miss both of the checks for the month of June due to the fact that I no longer had any vacation or sick time left. I don't think this is correct, but I don't have any of my list of days with me at home, they are all in my locked drawer at work. I am having to use the FMLA to ensure that I will have a job when I return to work. All of this really stinks. I work for the catholic church and they pay 100% of my medical insurance and they said they will continue to pay for this while I am out. That is helpful, but today I got online and saw they they only deposited 10% of my regular pay. There is some lack of communication going one and I am just so frustrated. The awful lady whose is my direct supervisor really had no compassion when she called to tell me that "I would not lose my job bc of this incident (really people, a loss of a life in the form a much desired for baby and nearly the loss of my life is not an incident, it is a tragedy!) but that I can use the FMLA to ensure my job, but I need to contact the FISCAL office to arrange plans for benefits." When I call the fiscal dept. on Tuesday, she at least had the decency to tell me how sorry she was for our loss. Then compassionately discussed my pay and benefits. I am really angry that I am only going to get 10% of my pay today. I wanted to use that money for help pay some bills so that J would not be so stressed out about the bills for the next couple of weeks. Thankfully we have money in savings, but I was hoping to not use that right now.
On to some very positive news. I spoke with my Creighton instructor today and was able to share with her my fears about ttc again (not in the near future, but eventually) and she said she only knew one person who ever experienced an ectopic pregnancy before and it was her NFP and Creighton Model instructor. She said that the situaiton for this lady was very scary and her expeience was very much like my and she was very much near death like me, but God spared her life for a great purpose . . . just like I am hoping He did for me. This lady did go one to have 4 children naturally, although none of her pregnancies were easy. I have yet to hear of someone who has had an ectopic pregancy who did not get pregnant again, so why is there so much fear?
I do miss the little one we loss . . . so much at times I am moved to tears and at other times, I am completely assured that there was nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome. I know that God is and was in control, it just makes me sad that He did not see fit for our little one to have full life here on earth. Then in the next moment, I am thankful that we were able to be used to help create a new soul for God to know and love in heaven and I am thankful that the first little one we loss, Sam, now has a brother or sister in heaven with them. I keep reminding myself that God can bring beauty from these ashes. He can turn our sorrow into joy. He can bring us so much joy, we will be dancing one day soon as we sing His praises. It is so hard to sing His praises when there is so much sorrow in your heart, but you do so anyway because your union with Him and His will DO bring you joy and comfort no matter that the worldly things around you bring you disappointment.
I have one more thing I want to share and I have been wanting to do it since Wednesday, but like Mary, I have been treasuring this in my heart. Out of the blue, J comes home from work on wednesday and gives me a business card and told me that Chuck, his boss gave it to him to give to me. Chuck had told him he told this guy our story and it turned out that this guy knew me. The card was for a family lawyer who does private adoptions and Jessy did not understand how I knew this man. So when I saw the card, I knew exactly what it meant and it nearly brought me to tears. I was so overwhelmed that J would even bring me the card because he has not always been 100% for adoption for personal reasons and right then I felt so loved!!!!!!!!!!!! J was actually at peace with pursuing this because the right person presented it as an option to him at the right time (don't you love how God moves?). I later learned that Chuck came to J early in the morning that day and asked him if we had ever considered adoption. Jessy did tell him yes and shared his reasons for having fears about the whole process of adoption. Chuck seemed to soften his fears as he told him that he and the lawyer were recently on retreat together and he was told that there are some special circumstances that could help us be able to adopt a baby with the help of this lawyer. While I have been knowing this man (lawyer) for about a year and half and knew what kind of work he did, I never pursued anything bc I have more of a working relationship with him than a personal relationship, but I always knew this guy liked me bc I have always been kind to him and the men he brings on retreats at our center. I knew his kids/brother's kids when I was a youth minister at a local church while I was in college. While I am very hopeful about this being a part of God's will for our lives (if you have read my blog for a while, you will know what a heart I have for adoption) I am cautious to not bull nose my way to something that is not God's will. Yet, J and I are both (for the first time ever) determined to find out if God wishes to open this door for us . . .we both don't want to miss out on a blessing God has in store for us. In the end, I called the lawyer yesterday and spoke to his paralegal who was encouraging. We are awaiting his return call bc he has been in court alot.
I am not pursuing this bc I don't believe I will never become pregnant again, I just want God to grow my family His way and not my or J's way. Probably not the best grammar, but I am sure I could be doing worse.
I have not started to chart again yet, I need to get the courage to chart again. Dr. H wants me to chart for 2 cycles and then we can have a phone consult to discuss the possibility of us ever conceiving again. When I got this message from him, I felt deflated. I wanted answers NOW! So much for patience, I wanted reassurance and maybe it is just not time for that now.
Thank you all so much for your prayers! I am amazed at how those prayers are bringing me such grace and mercy. You are all in my prayers and know that I am lifting up all of my suffering for you all.