Mixed Reactions

The past few days have been overwhelming. We went to a funeral for a relative of my husband who died suddenly of a heart attach at the age of 52. It was very sad. Yet after standing up at the funeral home and working all day, my back hurt so much. I don't usually have back pain so this made me nervous. When we finally got home I was starving and miserable. First thing I did, though, was have J give me my progesterone injection. I am so anxious about miscarrying, that I am not even enjoying the moments I have with this little one growing under my heart. Then after the shot, I inhaled my dinner, then crashed. I slept until 9am the next day. Only to find that J was miserable. He was limping and in severe pain and needed me to take him to the doctor. We were afraid he hurt a bone in his foot, so I quickly dressed and brought him to a weekend clinic. It turned out to be tendonitis (sp?) and the meds are helping him. He was able to go to work today. He stands on his feet all day long and we really need him to work. So I am so thankful he is feeling better. I got to take a nap after bringing J to the doctor and to the pharmacy for meds, so this made me feel great. Then my SIL and her family came over to visit and they gave me a sweet picture and card from my Godchild. He is the cutest little baby and he is crawling all over the place and he is only 6 mo. old. We had fun visiting them and we even played some games which was fun. It was also great just to cuddle with my godson. He likes to cuddle and be rocked to sleep, so it is good for my heart to be around him.
Then Mother's day arrived. I have had a hard time to get excited about this mother's day, because the memories are so fresh of all the years I would have to bolster my emotions just to make it through church and family visits. Well, this year was different and just as much overwhelming. One of my SIL who is not always so kind, went wild when I arrived at my inlaws and gave me a rose for mothers day. I do not care to be the center of attention so this was overwhelming. I know she is just excited to have a new baby in the family, but it still was a little too much. We had a nice visit there otherwise. Then we went to see my Mom and stepdad and my mom gave me a beautiful gift for mother's day that was completely unexpected but touched my heart so much. Both of our mom's loved the gifts we chose for them, it is so nice to spoil our moms. Throughout the day, I had a pain on my left side for some reason and it continued into the night, making me feel completely psycotic and question everything I was feeling.
Now, onto the reason for my title. Today, my local ob/gyn ordered me to have another blood test for the beta hcg levels and progesterone levels. According to the local lab, my beta hcg level is 7750.85 (on thursday, 5/7, it was 3002.97), progesterone is 26. I had to call for my results bc they were taking too long to share the results and they immediately put the doctor on the phone (which I knew was not a good sign) and he told me that he really wanted my level to be much higher than this at this stage. He said my progesterone was good, but he was very concerned about the hcg not being where he wanted it to be. I asked "So I should be concerned as well?" and he responded "Well, I am not going to sugarcoat any of this for you." I was livid. What a choice of words and the day after mother's day. He then went on to tell me, " guess we will see what happens this friday when I see you again." I tell him of my pain on my left side and he said "Well, if it gets too bad call my office or go to the hospital if it is after hours." Great, just the words to comfort my heart and tattered emotions. So then I get angry at this doctor and wonder how I can switch. I just don't feel well cared for here. I come to the conclusion that I am not taking his theory as my final answer. I call PPVI to talk with a nurse bc I know they got a copy of my bloodwork today. Well, the nurse called me back a few hours later to let me know that Dr. H is completely satisfied with my blood results and in fact he wrote "Good" on the results after he reviewed them. This comforted my heart, in addition to have the nurse listen to how my local doctor responded to the results. She told me not to give up on my baby. She told me to keep praying and that she will pray for me too. Why can't the whole world of doctors and nurses show as much compassion? Tonight I will not be taken my vaginal progesterone so that I can test the progesterone that my body is naturally producing and have it sent to ppvi for review. I am terribly afraid not to have the progesterone tonight because I feel like that is the key to helping me not spot. This whole experience has been so much about trust. Trusting that God is in control of it all and the life of my child and now matter what may come, I can keep trusting God. I am praying that this pain is not caused by an ectopic pregnacy. It comes and goes and I am trying to visualize myself giving birth to a healthy baby, hearing that newborn cry, watching the doctor place the baby in my waiting arms and watching my husband just fall in love with our new baby. I am believing that the God who has blessed me with this pregnancy will bring this baby to a full term birth and safe delievery. God bless us all, as we depend on God to fulfill the desires of our hearts. Two weeks ago, I was just blown away that I was pregnant, now I am despereatley depending on God to fulfill this dream of mine to continue, grow, and live. Please join me in prayer.
I am praying for all of you. I am so thankful for your friendship.