My Day

The days in our home busy. Super busy. There are ranges of emotions that have me in a tailspin somedays. Today the teething little ragamuffin and the two very emotional (all be it, understandably so) teenage boys have worn me smooth. I feel like I have no sharp edges anymore, just roll me down the hill and I will be gone in seconds. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I have too many sharp edges. I feel like a living example of to whom much is given, much is expected. Not in the terms of financial resources, that is for sure, but in terms of young souls to ready for Heaven. I know that as the boys grow older, they will have to do their own spiritual work to prepare their souls for Heaven, but the foundation is being laid now to help them learn how to love a God who is sometimes not fair, but always, ALWAYS, loving. We do not live in a perfect world. Today, I dealt with a 14 year old who wanted to act as though he were 2 years old, and 15 year old who just wants a happy life, and a very miserable teething boy. The 14 year old is always emotional after a visit with his mother. It is understandable, but draining to constantly go through this process time and time again. Both older boys love and adore their Mom who is extremely ill and was sent home with a oxygen tank on Wednesday night and was tested for ovarian cancer on Thursday. I tried all day to settle the 14 year old down so that he wouldn't butt heads with Jessy this evening but it just did not work. The older one doesn't seem to have a varying personality after his visits, but in all honesty he keeps his feelings hidden. He stores and then blows up when you least expect it. When I say blow up, he tends to just raise his voice a bit and then immediatley starts to cry. Tonight, after addressing the behavior, they were both in tears. Joseph was in tears because I would not let him eat food off the floor that he threw down there, so needless to say, we had our full serving of tears this evening at the table. I will be honest, I do not write about the older boys much because I think I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like they will not be with us forever although no one else in the family will take them in and their mother is unable to care for them. Joseph is quite attached to them, as are we. We are enjoying, for the most part, being a family of 5. I explained to them tonight that we do not live in a perfect world. We do not always get what we want and sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way we request, although they are always answered. Life is hard. In a perfect world, their father would still be living, their mother would be healthy, and Joseph would have two older siblings. We explained that they are here because we LOVE them, not because we owe this to them or anyone else. Plain and simple, God told us to care for them and we are being obedient in loving them and caring for them. As my husband explained this to them after they basically said they would rather be somewhere else but there is no place for them, I just saw my husband in such a godly light. He just told them "I love you two and that is why you are here. No other reason." Now tell me again, isn't that what God is telling us each day we breathe in a fresh breath. Is that not what God is telling us with each new conception, wanted by the parents or not, this child is wanted by God, created for his purpose, to be loved by Him. I am so thankful for my husband. So thankful God led me to a holy, just, and caring man. I am am super thankful that he has a fun spirit, a generous heart, and a gentle way of loving me and our family. In my darkest moment over the weekend after one of the older boys broke one of Joseph's new toys before he could even play with it, I was frustrated and whiny. I asked my husband, while alone in bed before getting up for the day, "Don't you ever get tired of raising three kids?" I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth . . . at all. I still feel rotten about it. Yet, it was my husband's response that really chastised me "We would have been doing it anyway." My heart shattered in brokenness at my stingy heart. I would have given everything to be able to raise these three boys, and still would, but in that moment I failed to live up to my vocation and I think it will haunt me for a long time. I have learned that that moment was necessage, painful but necessary to refocus my determination to ready myself, my husband, and these boys for Heaven. Ready our hearts to welcome the Christ child. Yes, I am readying my heart for the Christ Child and readying my heart to accept any and all children tat God places under our roof, under our mantle of protection, and under our guiding hearts. Please God, have mercy on me a sinner. Amen.