Waiting - Advent - New Lessons

Advent seemed to knock me in the face this year. It seems that the lessons on waiting are not going to end anytime soon. I really thought I have become pretty good at waiting. I thought that I had realized that waiting on God and not forcing my own will and timing was worth the extra sacrifice. Well, I still know it, but I am still having a hard time accepting it with a grateful and generous heart.

For some reason, I have been extremely emotional. Irrational levels of emotion. My poor husband has been very kind about it, even my family seems to understand that that this type of mood seems to just be a timely part of the course for this stage in my life, but I get even more grumpier knowing that I am grouchy and not expressing the true joy and gratefulness that are deeply rooted in my heart right now! I was crying on Thanksgiving night simply because I was so upset with myself for being so emotional and not being able to keep everything in check. Really? This is a new level of crazy, even for me.

There was some really tough moments (hours, if I am being honest) on Thanksgiving that just made my day seem harder than most. It was not the typical family day of festivities and I was not used to that. We were blessed to have dinner with my father in law but he was not in a happy mood and there was no one else there. My mother in law was working, the rest of J's family was elsewhere and it was J and I at the table when we sat down to eat. No blessing as a family, etc. Not like my family thanksgivings at all and then we were off to visit my Mom at the hospital and while she is doing better, it is still extremely tough to see her dependent on a wheelchair and looking exactly like my grandmother in her last years. My mom is only 50 years old. That alone is enough to make someone sad.

The high point of the day was knowing that Joseph was loving the turkey and that next year would be so much different. I had so much to be grateful for everytime is would see my belly squirm or catch my pregnant shadow in a mirror. I really was thankful and my heart was filled with gratitude, just the reality of the situation with out families made it a hard day to not recognize how much we wish some things were different.

There are two other things that really upset me that day and caused me to argue with J and although he said he would be working on those particular issues - nothing has been done yet. This leads me to the reality of truly living out Advent this year. I so want to rush past these days, but know of their great worth. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice! I nearly chuckled at Mass at how God set my due date at the END of ADVENT!!!! This will be my biggest lesson of my life, waiting on God and not forcing my way! I cannot rush the birth of baby Joseph and I do not have any idea when God wills for him to arrive. All I can do is GET READY!

It is my job not to get drowsy - to stay awake and alert. My job is to simply wait.

Speaking of waiting, tomorrow is my last working day. I keep trying to remind myself that when I am caring for our long-awaited miracle, Joseph, I will be so grateful to be home caring for him. Yet, at this time when I am still having to exercise every bit of trust I can muster in my heart that all is going to be well, I am afraid to have too many quiet moments before that time. Not sure why all of this is coming to the surface now, except that maybe my emotions are having a grand time seeing me grow in faith.

I will see the doctor tomorrow for another biopysical and regular ob check-up. I want desperately to hear that there is some changes that my body is doing to prepare to Joseph's arrival and have some clue as to when he is coming, but I may have to just wait to see what the specialist says on December 6. My phyiscal discomfort has lessened in some areas. My biggest concern is over the bottom parts of my scar tissue/incision from my laparotomy. It is stretched out alot. I do have hip pains and sleep is good, when I can actually find a comfortable positon. I do offer it up - so these pains are still serving a huge purpose! Since last week, I started experiencing some swelling, but with rest and more fluids it seems to improve. If I do alot of running around town, it gets bad. Thankfully the 24 hour urine testing did not show any thing to indicate that I needed bedrest or early hospitalization, praise God.

I am mot meaning to complain, these really are some of the sweetest moments of my life. I still sit in awe that there is a baby growing inside of my belly, in my womb of all the wombs in the world. I still am stunned to silence at his movements and know that there is no other feeling in the world that could make me happier. It sounds so silly, but I think that when labor is upon me and I get to finally meet this little guy - I will truly know what these last months were all about . . . it has been such a mystery, joyfully, of course carrying this sweet baby, but I am still in awe that I will meet our son one day soon.

Blessings to you all this Advent! May this season of waiting renew your hope!

I am looking foward to praying for my prayer buddy! I feel so honoered to be her prayer buddy and can only imagine how wonderful God's plans are for her!!!