I am having some tough days and nights lately. I am so miserable, but I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself. For the past three nights, I get sleepy and head to bed at the same time as DH around 10:30, but I will lay on my side of the bed being flooded with thoughts. I lay there with my eyes open and then I just start crying, silent-never ending tears. I have weaned myself off of my pain meds bc I was running out around 4 days ago and I don't know if this has anything to do with it. I keep thinking these moments are going to pass, but when? At first when I returned home from the hospital, I could barely stand going to my bedroom bc that is where all of the drama of me passing out happened. It had gotten better, except last night all of those terrible feelings reappeared. My Dh is softly snoring next to me and I can't even pray with out being distracted by how wrong it was for me to have to go through such an ordeal and then come out of it not being two anymore but being just one. A mother without her baby once again. I don't want to say that I am in denial or was in denial, but the days and nights right now are just so hard. I have tears in my eyes right now bc what I am writing is so true. It is a terrible thing to not be able to control your emotions. I know I will have to go through all of the stages of grief all over again, but I don't want too.
I also have to go to see my d**n doctor tomorrow and I just do not want to see him. I don't want to go back to that dam* office again. I don't want to be around happy, normal pregnant women who appear to have no cares in the world. Dh is determined that when we conceive again, we will find another doctor. Nothing feels right any more, staying with this doctor or finding a new one. I am not sure I will even want to make myself so vulnerable again by being pregnant again. I am still hurting in my belly, but my heart is just still so broken. I need the Eucharist. I have not been able to go to mass and I wish someone would bring me communion. I will call my church on Tuesday to request this.
Onto another complaint. Dh and I made a brief appearance at my cousin's graduation party yesterday. We are very close and he graduated the day after I got out of the hospital,so I could not see him graduate. Well, anyway, at this party one of his cousins from the other side of the family showed us with her newborn son. I literally had to bite the inside of my lip to keep from crying at the very sight of that baby. I made my way inside and then one of my aunts came in to check on me. Which of course made me cry and I had yet to shed a tear. I was so unprepared for that and it is not fair for me to be saddened by the sight a new baby or a new mom. I need to rejoice in this bc I know just how fragile life can be, but my sorrow surfaced first. We ended up making a quick exit and went to a supercenter to pick up a few groceries and of course passed the baby section with lots of clearances. One outfit caught my eye, then I was sad again. I ran into some ladies I know and while one compassionately listened to my story and pain (yes, I cried again in the store) the other one seemed so pained to see me suffering, it seemed it took everything she had to hug me and keep from crying herself. The loss of the life of our little Nicky is causing people all over my part of the world to suffer and ask serious questions about why bad things happen to good people.
When I spoke to one of the wisest women I know about the terrible loss we just experienced (she is the mother of six, had several miscarriages, secondary IF, raising a special needs child, and lost one specail needs child unexpectely in the middle of the night when they were two years old)and she told me that while you are suffering now, God is making you into a more compassionate woman. She told me that I would be able to understand many women's stories and compassionately care for them in their suffering in the future. Well, the truth of the matter is, I think I was compassionate enough already. I know that is a terrible attitude to have, but I could have survived being callous and cold. So many others seem to do just fine with this.
My sil and her fiance came over with our 7 mo. old godson yesterday. It went well. I was prepared for this visit and it was good for me to love on him. I needed to see that big gummy smile and those lovely rolls on his legs. I keep desiring for adoption. It seems like such a less painful journey and that is why I am thing God may not call us to that just because we desire it so much. For the last several years, the most important thing for me was to be a mommy. I wanted to parent a child, right along side my dear husband. I had moved on from the need to be pregnant for that to happen . . . but what do I know. God will, and has done, things his way, not mine. He can move mountains when He desires to do so. I just wish the mountains he chose to move were the ones I wanted moved too.
One last thing, I am having such a hard time praying. I have not been saying my night prayers consistently. I used to do a lot of praying in the car on my commute to work. My whole routine is off. Last night, I diligently tried to pray and the words just got lost in thought. I could say the first few words and then my mind was off somewhere else. So please keep praying for me. My spiritual director told me that my suffering is my prayer right now and God doesn't need me to put those feelings into words right now. Healing will come, emotionally and physically. I believe it.
My Dh is shrimping right now. We do not live too far from the Gulf of Mexico (the same reason we have to run from Hurricanes) and his parents called him around 10am to let him know they were so many big shrimp where they were they already got their limit and they knew J would want some too. So J called his brother, got his boat ready and they headed out very quickly to get their limit of 25 lbs of shrimp. When I tell you all that we are cajun . . . this is why. I can't wait to have some fresh grilled shrimp though! Yummy
This little paragraph was from my morning meditation ( the first one I have done since I went into the hospital) and I wanted to share it with you all. It is from the word among website: http://wau.org/
"Right now, stop and take at few deep breaths. In your mind, imagine yourself breathing in the Spirit and breathing out your sin. Picture yourself accepting the Lord and his plans, and letting go of your own plans and visions. Know that what you are breathing in is pure, holy, and intoxicating. Jesus has great plans for every member of his church. And that includes you! "
Sending sunday blessings to you all!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Healing
I am just not having a good day today! I went to bed last night with a headache and woke up this morning with a headache. I think I miss all of my normal meds, especially the T3. Over the last few days, I find myself having moments of hot flashes and then I am shaking from the cold. At night, I can barely go to sleep bc my feet are freezing! Even with socks and extra layers of blankets. I am also so tired of not being able to sleep close to my husand. We have a king size bed and I have big pillows right in the middle to give some support on the left side which is the side that had the most damage from my surgery. I am actually getting better every day and the bruises are healing exceptionally well. I am really suprised. I have not taken a pain pill for over 24 hours and maybe this is what is adding pain to my headaches. I am moving around so much better and I was even able to make a spagetti dinner for my sweet husband last night. I was sore afterward from standing too long, but that went away quickly.
My sweet husband is so stressed and worn out. He returned to work on Tuesday and it has been really hard on him having been off for so long. He is having problems with a tendon on his right foot, so we are going to try to get him some z.coil shoes that will be special ordered. Has anyone ever heard of these, we heard this would help since he is on his feet all day long and on concrete. He works so hard to provide for us and I am so thankful. He really needs to rest this weekend. Even if he is resting well at night, every time I get up to go to the restroom, he wakes up to make sure I am okay.
I am going to be out of work for the next four weeks and I was grumpily told that I would have a full check today, but would miss both of the checks for the month of June due to the fact that I no longer had any vacation or sick time left. I don't think this is correct, but I don't have any of my list of days with me at home, they are all in my locked drawer at work. I am having to use the FMLA to ensure that I will have a job when I return to work. All of this really stinks. I work for the catholic church and they pay 100% of my medical insurance and they said they will continue to pay for this while I am out. That is helpful, but today I got online and saw they they only deposited 10% of my regular pay. There is some lack of communication going one and I am just so frustrated. The awful lady whose is my direct supervisor really had no compassion when she called to tell me that "I would not lose my job bc of this incident (really people, a loss of a life in the form a much desired for baby and nearly the loss of my life is not an incident, it is a tragedy!) but that I can use the FMLA to ensure my job, but I need to contact the FISCAL office to arrange plans for benefits." When I call the fiscal dept. on Tuesday, she at least had the decency to tell me how sorry she was for our loss. Then compassionately discussed my pay and benefits. I am really angry that I am only going to get 10% of my pay today. I wanted to use that money for help pay some bills so that J would not be so stressed out about the bills for the next couple of weeks. Thankfully we have money in savings, but I was hoping to not use that right now.
On to some very positive news. I spoke with my Creighton instructor today and was able to share with her my fears about ttc again (not in the near future, but eventually) and she said she only knew one person who ever experienced an ectopic pregnancy before and it was her NFP and Creighton Model instructor. She said that the situaiton for this lady was very scary and her expeience was very much like my and she was very much near death like me, but God spared her life for a great purpose . . . just like I am hoping He did for me. This lady did go one to have 4 children naturally, although none of her pregnancies were easy. I have yet to hear of someone who has had an ectopic pregancy who did not get pregnant again, so why is there so much fear?
I do miss the little one we loss . . . so much at times I am moved to tears and at other times, I am completely assured that there was nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome. I know that God is and was in control, it just makes me sad that He did not see fit for our little one to have full life here on earth. Then in the next moment, I am thankful that we were able to be used to help create a new soul for God to know and love in heaven and I am thankful that the first little one we loss, Sam, now has a brother or sister in heaven with them. I keep reminding myself that God can bring beauty from these ashes. He can turn our sorrow into joy. He can bring us so much joy, we will be dancing one day soon as we sing His praises. It is so hard to sing His praises when there is so much sorrow in your heart, but you do so anyway because your union with Him and His will DO bring you joy and comfort no matter that the worldly things around you bring you disappointment.
I have one more thing I want to share and I have been wanting to do it since Wednesday, but like Mary, I have been treasuring this in my heart. Out of the blue, J comes home from work on wednesday and gives me a business card and told me that Chuck, his boss gave it to him to give to me. Chuck had told him he told this guy our story and it turned out that this guy knew me. The card was for a family lawyer who does private adoptions and Jessy did not understand how I knew this man. So when I saw the card, I knew exactly what it meant and it nearly brought me to tears. I was so overwhelmed that J would even bring me the card because he has not always been 100% for adoption for personal reasons and right then I felt so loved!!!!!!!!!!!! J was actually at peace with pursuing this because the right person presented it as an option to him at the right time (don't you love how God moves?). I later learned that Chuck came to J early in the morning that day and asked him if we had ever considered adoption. Jessy did tell him yes and shared his reasons for having fears about the whole process of adoption. Chuck seemed to soften his fears as he told him that he and the lawyer were recently on retreat together and he was told that there are some special circumstances that could help us be able to adopt a baby with the help of this lawyer. While I have been knowing this man (lawyer) for about a year and half and knew what kind of work he did, I never pursued anything bc I have more of a working relationship with him than a personal relationship, but I always knew this guy liked me bc I have always been kind to him and the men he brings on retreats at our center. I knew his kids/brother's kids when I was a youth minister at a local church while I was in college. While I am very hopeful about this being a part of God's will for our lives (if you have read my blog for a while, you will know what a heart I have for adoption) I am cautious to not bull nose my way to something that is not God's will. Yet, J and I are both (for the first time ever) determined to find out if God wishes to open this door for us . . .we both don't want to miss out on a blessing God has in store for us. In the end, I called the lawyer yesterday and spoke to his paralegal who was encouraging. We are awaiting his return call bc he has been in court alot.
I am not pursuing this bc I don't believe I will never become pregnant again, I just want God to grow my family His way and not my or J's way. Probably not the best grammar, but I am sure I could be doing worse.
I have not started to chart again yet, I need to get the courage to chart again. Dr. H wants me to chart for 2 cycles and then we can have a phone consult to discuss the possibility of us ever conceiving again. When I got this message from him, I felt deflated. I wanted answers NOW! So much for patience, I wanted reassurance and maybe it is just not time for that now.
Thank you all so much for your prayers! I am amazed at how those prayers are bringing me such grace and mercy. You are all in my prayers and know that I am lifting up all of my suffering for you all.
My sweet husband is so stressed and worn out. He returned to work on Tuesday and it has been really hard on him having been off for so long. He is having problems with a tendon on his right foot, so we are going to try to get him some z.coil shoes that will be special ordered. Has anyone ever heard of these, we heard this would help since he is on his feet all day long and on concrete. He works so hard to provide for us and I am so thankful. He really needs to rest this weekend. Even if he is resting well at night, every time I get up to go to the restroom, he wakes up to make sure I am okay.
I am going to be out of work for the next four weeks and I was grumpily told that I would have a full check today, but would miss both of the checks for the month of June due to the fact that I no longer had any vacation or sick time left. I don't think this is correct, but I don't have any of my list of days with me at home, they are all in my locked drawer at work. I am having to use the FMLA to ensure that I will have a job when I return to work. All of this really stinks. I work for the catholic church and they pay 100% of my medical insurance and they said they will continue to pay for this while I am out. That is helpful, but today I got online and saw they they only deposited 10% of my regular pay. There is some lack of communication going one and I am just so frustrated. The awful lady whose is my direct supervisor really had no compassion when she called to tell me that "I would not lose my job bc of this incident (really people, a loss of a life in the form a much desired for baby and nearly the loss of my life is not an incident, it is a tragedy!) but that I can use the FMLA to ensure my job, but I need to contact the FISCAL office to arrange plans for benefits." When I call the fiscal dept. on Tuesday, she at least had the decency to tell me how sorry she was for our loss. Then compassionately discussed my pay and benefits. I am really angry that I am only going to get 10% of my pay today. I wanted to use that money for help pay some bills so that J would not be so stressed out about the bills for the next couple of weeks. Thankfully we have money in savings, but I was hoping to not use that right now.
On to some very positive news. I spoke with my Creighton instructor today and was able to share with her my fears about ttc again (not in the near future, but eventually) and she said she only knew one person who ever experienced an ectopic pregnancy before and it was her NFP and Creighton Model instructor. She said that the situaiton for this lady was very scary and her expeience was very much like my and she was very much near death like me, but God spared her life for a great purpose . . . just like I am hoping He did for me. This lady did go one to have 4 children naturally, although none of her pregnancies were easy. I have yet to hear of someone who has had an ectopic pregancy who did not get pregnant again, so why is there so much fear?
I do miss the little one we loss . . . so much at times I am moved to tears and at other times, I am completely assured that there was nothing I could have done differently to change the outcome. I know that God is and was in control, it just makes me sad that He did not see fit for our little one to have full life here on earth. Then in the next moment, I am thankful that we were able to be used to help create a new soul for God to know and love in heaven and I am thankful that the first little one we loss, Sam, now has a brother or sister in heaven with them. I keep reminding myself that God can bring beauty from these ashes. He can turn our sorrow into joy. He can bring us so much joy, we will be dancing one day soon as we sing His praises. It is so hard to sing His praises when there is so much sorrow in your heart, but you do so anyway because your union with Him and His will DO bring you joy and comfort no matter that the worldly things around you bring you disappointment.
I have one more thing I want to share and I have been wanting to do it since Wednesday, but like Mary, I have been treasuring this in my heart. Out of the blue, J comes home from work on wednesday and gives me a business card and told me that Chuck, his boss gave it to him to give to me. Chuck had told him he told this guy our story and it turned out that this guy knew me. The card was for a family lawyer who does private adoptions and Jessy did not understand how I knew this man. So when I saw the card, I knew exactly what it meant and it nearly brought me to tears. I was so overwhelmed that J would even bring me the card because he has not always been 100% for adoption for personal reasons and right then I felt so loved!!!!!!!!!!!! J was actually at peace with pursuing this because the right person presented it as an option to him at the right time (don't you love how God moves?). I later learned that Chuck came to J early in the morning that day and asked him if we had ever considered adoption. Jessy did tell him yes and shared his reasons for having fears about the whole process of adoption. Chuck seemed to soften his fears as he told him that he and the lawyer were recently on retreat together and he was told that there are some special circumstances that could help us be able to adopt a baby with the help of this lawyer. While I have been knowing this man (lawyer) for about a year and half and knew what kind of work he did, I never pursued anything bc I have more of a working relationship with him than a personal relationship, but I always knew this guy liked me bc I have always been kind to him and the men he brings on retreats at our center. I knew his kids/brother's kids when I was a youth minister at a local church while I was in college. While I am very hopeful about this being a part of God's will for our lives (if you have read my blog for a while, you will know what a heart I have for adoption) I am cautious to not bull nose my way to something that is not God's will. Yet, J and I are both (for the first time ever) determined to find out if God wishes to open this door for us . . .we both don't want to miss out on a blessing God has in store for us. In the end, I called the lawyer yesterday and spoke to his paralegal who was encouraging. We are awaiting his return call bc he has been in court alot.
I am not pursuing this bc I don't believe I will never become pregnant again, I just want God to grow my family His way and not my or J's way. Probably not the best grammar, but I am sure I could be doing worse.
I have not started to chart again yet, I need to get the courage to chart again. Dr. H wants me to chart for 2 cycles and then we can have a phone consult to discuss the possibility of us ever conceiving again. When I got this message from him, I felt deflated. I wanted answers NOW! So much for patience, I wanted reassurance and maybe it is just not time for that now.
Thank you all so much for your prayers! I am amazed at how those prayers are bringing me such grace and mercy. You are all in my prayers and know that I am lifting up all of my suffering for you all.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Life is never fair. Yet God still loves me.
I know that you all are wondering why I seemed to vanish from the earth. There is no simple answer to that, in fact it is down right painful.
On Saturday, May 16, I was at home cooking lunch visiting with my family who was visiting. All was going well. There were still so many fears that I was experiencing with my pregnancy, but I was determined to dispel fear and fully rely on trust in my all - loving God to see me through all the questions and fears. I allowed myself to feel joy and anticipation. Finally. I was now seven weeks pregnant. Halfway through the first trmester. I saw my doctor the day before who was still hesitant to be hopeful. He had a gut feeling that something was not right with the development of our baby, but I kept telling him that we were going to pray our way to this baby's birth. Well, back to Saturday. As soon as I started cooking, I got this terrible (most horrible feeling ever) in my belly. It just felt like a huge beach ball was blown up in my belly. I tried to go to the bathroom, but nothing came, then my husband started cooking the meal I started and once I smelled it cooking, I started vomiting. Really painful vomiting. I was thinking, wow, this morning sickness can be tough, but I was so thankful to be having it. I told my husband that I needed to lay down, so I immmediately laid down thinking I would be better soon. I never got better. Ever. I started to feel sick again, so I made it back to the bathroom a second time and tried to poo, thinking I was just consipated. No go. Sorry for tmi. Brace yourself, though, it does get worse. I vomited again and then J came in to check on me and I was so weak, I could barely move. I made it back to bed and wondered why I could not poo or pee. Nothing, something was wrong. I asked J to call either my mom or his mom. I was cold and clammy and knew I needed to go to the hospital. Then I immediately realized that there was no way I would be able to walk out of my house. I was so weak and cold, clammy, hurting, and scared. I told J that I did need to go to the bathroom and he is helpimg me and I collapse out of our bed and onto the floor. I could hear J panicking and telling me to wake up, he is scared out of his mind and I cannot respond only listen to his scared voice. He tried to call our neighbors who are emts and they are not home, so he calls some other neighbors and his parents. He had already called my mom before I collapsed and she thought I was just weak from the morning sickness. Our neighbors came over and the wife, Jerri, fully took care of me while here husband, Rocky, helped my husband call 911 and explain that I just collapsed and eliminated on myself bc I could not control my bodily functions anymore. Jerri kept holding my hand, rubbing a cool rag on my face and talking me through it all and prayed for me and my baby. Then J's parent's arrived and still the ambulance was not here. They passed up our road and my fil had to chase them down to show them to our home. When they finally arrive, they were pompous and kept hurting me worse. Finally they get me into the ambulance with J and brought me to the local hospital (about 35 min. away). When I get there they realize that my blood pressure has bottomed out, I am dry (meaning they cannot get any blood from me), I am dehydrated (although I kept drinking lots of water), and my heartrate is beating so fast. Time passed, they hook me to iv's and I keep thinking, please take care of me so that I can keep my baby alive in me. Finally, they do an ultrasound and they keep looking to make sure I am not having an ectopic pregnancy. Well, they finally figure out that I am having an experiencing an eptopic pregnancy and I bleeding internally which is what caused the all of the above problems. What I learned about ectopic pregnancy during that time is that in between 6-8 weeks of the pregnancy the baby will eventaully grow to big to be where they implanted (ovary, fallopian tube, etc) and it ruptures the area it is in. They quickly thought that our baby implanted right outside of my left ovary, so they called my doctor and he immediately arranged for me to have emergency surgery. It was a life or death surgery. It was already too late to prolong the life of our baby, but no one really knew if I would be able to live through the surgery because it had already taken them so long to figure out what was going with my body. They then put me into another ambulance to transport me to another local Women's Hospital where my doctor was getting ready to do my surgery. J could not ride with me in the ambulance the second time, but the EMT who was with me was so life-giving in his encouragement. It is amazing how much you share with complete strangers when you are in the depths of intense sorrow and grief.
When I arrived at the next hospital, I immmediatley saw my mom and stepdad and then J and Dr. Darbonne together. I just looked at my doctor and said I was not ready to see him again soon and that he was right, sometimes things do not work out. I mean you are talking to a woman who has experienced a previous miscarriage and 8 1/2 years of IF. I know that sometimes things do not work out, but this was my time for it to work out. That is not asking too much. The doctor quickly explained that what he was going to do. He was going to do the removal of our baby and the blood laprascopically ( i don't know if this is spelled right) and once he figured out where the baby had been, he would figure out if he needed to remove my left ovary or not. I then asked him to pray with me and J and for us and he did and his prayer comforted my soul and immediately I trusted that God would use him to restore my health. I mean this doctor went to the author of life for me and I knew that God would guide his hands and bring me healing. He had me sign all of the forms and then the anesthiologist came in and explained what he would be doing and had me sign tons of forms too. I could not write, so they basically got chicken scratch. In the end, it really did not matter. I just knew I wanted to live.
My whole family was at the hospital, along with my in-laws and best friend praying for me throughout the surgery and they did not know if I would live or die. It was not looking good.
After the surgery, in the recovery room with the two nurses, I woke up to hear them giggling nervously bc I was still bleeding through one of the holes the doctor used to remove the baby and my left tube. They could not stop the bleeding and had to use extrordinary measures to stop the bleeding. I remember telling them that there was nothing funny about this situation and they immediately stopped laughing. I told them to get the doctor and they said he already left. They had to apply so much pressure to get all of the blood out, that I am so bruised it will take six weeks to heal. The doctor had already told me it would take 4-6 wks to just recover physically from the surgery, not including the emotional healing that would have to happen at some point. In the end, they removed my left tube, but both ovaries were spared. I got to see picutres of all of reproductive organs and they looked so good. While I did not want to see them, I was amazed at how good they looked after so much traume. Apparently, the doctor is so pleased with results of the surgery, he is very hopeful that our future will be bright. Let's hope he is right about this too!~
Once they put me in a room (a labor and delivery room-suite, what irony)I began to see my family come to see me one by one to give me their love. I was not really able to keep my eyes open, but just hearing their voices, brought me such peace. They would take turns feeding me ice chips. I was still dying of thirst. I can only imagine the thirst of Jesus on the cross. For two more days, I remained on iv's and had an oxygen mask. I lost so much blood (over a liter was removed from my belly), my blood count was so low and I had very little iron to bring my heart oxygen. They starting giving me pain meds, but I had an empty stomach, so I started to vomit terribly. It was miserable. I was finally released to come home on Tuesday night, and my follow-up appt with the doctor is June 1, 2009. There is so much sorrow in my heart right now. Yet there is gratitude that God spared my life and has allowed me more time with my dear husband and my family. My family and husband are still so traumatized that it will take them a long time to recover.
At one time, I woke up and told J that I was talking to dead people. I don't ever talk like this, but I know that I was talking with my Grandma Elaine and some others that I could not name. That is how close to death I think I was.
The grace through all of this is that I realized that although I would love nothing more to mother a child here on earth, I need to love and appreciate my husband more than my desire to be a mother. I don't need to spend my days toiling for a baby, I need to be thankful for life in all of its giftedness. I still want to have a baby to love one day, but at this time, I want to love the one I just lost. Our baby is with Jesus. They may very well, be in the arms of our holy mother. We did name our baby Nicky. We had always thought of the name of Nicholas for a boy after St. Nicholas, but realized that Nicole is such a beautiful name for a girl and since we did not know the gender of our baby, we thought Nicky was the perfect choice.
Every night when I was pregnant, I would place my blessed St. Gianna medal on my left side as I prayed for the life of our little one. It felt very ironic that while St. Gianna died to spare the life of her child, my life was spared at the cost of our baby's life.
I almost did not want to share this with any of you, because ttc is already so hard and knowing things that could go wrong when you will finally get pregnant is so hard on our hearts. I thought of all of you in my suffering and prayers at the hospital and even now. Apparenently, with an ectopic pregnancy you will still have a chance to conceive again, but while my heart is hopeful it is very cautious. My aunt suffered an ectopic pregnancy and went onto have my cousin, Dillon. My best friend's mom also had an ectopic pregnancy and went onto have two children. I have no idea what God's plans are for me and J, but I am assured that they are great plans. He would not have spared my life otherwise.
I don't know how much I will be blogging as I heal, but know that you all remain in my prayers and will lift up my suffering for healing in prayers for you all.
On Saturday, May 16, I was at home cooking lunch visiting with my family who was visiting. All was going well. There were still so many fears that I was experiencing with my pregnancy, but I was determined to dispel fear and fully rely on trust in my all - loving God to see me through all the questions and fears. I allowed myself to feel joy and anticipation. Finally. I was now seven weeks pregnant. Halfway through the first trmester. I saw my doctor the day before who was still hesitant to be hopeful. He had a gut feeling that something was not right with the development of our baby, but I kept telling him that we were going to pray our way to this baby's birth. Well, back to Saturday. As soon as I started cooking, I got this terrible (most horrible feeling ever) in my belly. It just felt like a huge beach ball was blown up in my belly. I tried to go to the bathroom, but nothing came, then my husband started cooking the meal I started and once I smelled it cooking, I started vomiting. Really painful vomiting. I was thinking, wow, this morning sickness can be tough, but I was so thankful to be having it. I told my husband that I needed to lay down, so I immmediately laid down thinking I would be better soon. I never got better. Ever. I started to feel sick again, so I made it back to the bathroom a second time and tried to poo, thinking I was just consipated. No go. Sorry for tmi. Brace yourself, though, it does get worse. I vomited again and then J came in to check on me and I was so weak, I could barely move. I made it back to bed and wondered why I could not poo or pee. Nothing, something was wrong. I asked J to call either my mom or his mom. I was cold and clammy and knew I needed to go to the hospital. Then I immediately realized that there was no way I would be able to walk out of my house. I was so weak and cold, clammy, hurting, and scared. I told J that I did need to go to the bathroom and he is helpimg me and I collapse out of our bed and onto the floor. I could hear J panicking and telling me to wake up, he is scared out of his mind and I cannot respond only listen to his scared voice. He tried to call our neighbors who are emts and they are not home, so he calls some other neighbors and his parents. He had already called my mom before I collapsed and she thought I was just weak from the morning sickness. Our neighbors came over and the wife, Jerri, fully took care of me while here husband, Rocky, helped my husband call 911 and explain that I just collapsed and eliminated on myself bc I could not control my bodily functions anymore. Jerri kept holding my hand, rubbing a cool rag on my face and talking me through it all and prayed for me and my baby. Then J's parent's arrived and still the ambulance was not here. They passed up our road and my fil had to chase them down to show them to our home. When they finally arrive, they were pompous and kept hurting me worse. Finally they get me into the ambulance with J and brought me to the local hospital (about 35 min. away). When I get there they realize that my blood pressure has bottomed out, I am dry (meaning they cannot get any blood from me), I am dehydrated (although I kept drinking lots of water), and my heartrate is beating so fast. Time passed, they hook me to iv's and I keep thinking, please take care of me so that I can keep my baby alive in me. Finally, they do an ultrasound and they keep looking to make sure I am not having an ectopic pregnancy. Well, they finally figure out that I am having an experiencing an eptopic pregnancy and I bleeding internally which is what caused the all of the above problems. What I learned about ectopic pregnancy during that time is that in between 6-8 weeks of the pregnancy the baby will eventaully grow to big to be where they implanted (ovary, fallopian tube, etc) and it ruptures the area it is in. They quickly thought that our baby implanted right outside of my left ovary, so they called my doctor and he immediately arranged for me to have emergency surgery. It was a life or death surgery. It was already too late to prolong the life of our baby, but no one really knew if I would be able to live through the surgery because it had already taken them so long to figure out what was going with my body. They then put me into another ambulance to transport me to another local Women's Hospital where my doctor was getting ready to do my surgery. J could not ride with me in the ambulance the second time, but the EMT who was with me was so life-giving in his encouragement. It is amazing how much you share with complete strangers when you are in the depths of intense sorrow and grief.
When I arrived at the next hospital, I immmediatley saw my mom and stepdad and then J and Dr. Darbonne together. I just looked at my doctor and said I was not ready to see him again soon and that he was right, sometimes things do not work out. I mean you are talking to a woman who has experienced a previous miscarriage and 8 1/2 years of IF. I know that sometimes things do not work out, but this was my time for it to work out. That is not asking too much. The doctor quickly explained that what he was going to do. He was going to do the removal of our baby and the blood laprascopically ( i don't know if this is spelled right) and once he figured out where the baby had been, he would figure out if he needed to remove my left ovary or not. I then asked him to pray with me and J and for us and he did and his prayer comforted my soul and immediately I trusted that God would use him to restore my health. I mean this doctor went to the author of life for me and I knew that God would guide his hands and bring me healing. He had me sign all of the forms and then the anesthiologist came in and explained what he would be doing and had me sign tons of forms too. I could not write, so they basically got chicken scratch. In the end, it really did not matter. I just knew I wanted to live.
My whole family was at the hospital, along with my in-laws and best friend praying for me throughout the surgery and they did not know if I would live or die. It was not looking good.
After the surgery, in the recovery room with the two nurses, I woke up to hear them giggling nervously bc I was still bleeding through one of the holes the doctor used to remove the baby and my left tube. They could not stop the bleeding and had to use extrordinary measures to stop the bleeding. I remember telling them that there was nothing funny about this situation and they immediately stopped laughing. I told them to get the doctor and they said he already left. They had to apply so much pressure to get all of the blood out, that I am so bruised it will take six weeks to heal. The doctor had already told me it would take 4-6 wks to just recover physically from the surgery, not including the emotional healing that would have to happen at some point. In the end, they removed my left tube, but both ovaries were spared. I got to see picutres of all of reproductive organs and they looked so good. While I did not want to see them, I was amazed at how good they looked after so much traume. Apparently, the doctor is so pleased with results of the surgery, he is very hopeful that our future will be bright. Let's hope he is right about this too!~
Once they put me in a room (a labor and delivery room-suite, what irony)I began to see my family come to see me one by one to give me their love. I was not really able to keep my eyes open, but just hearing their voices, brought me such peace. They would take turns feeding me ice chips. I was still dying of thirst. I can only imagine the thirst of Jesus on the cross. For two more days, I remained on iv's and had an oxygen mask. I lost so much blood (over a liter was removed from my belly), my blood count was so low and I had very little iron to bring my heart oxygen. They starting giving me pain meds, but I had an empty stomach, so I started to vomit terribly. It was miserable. I was finally released to come home on Tuesday night, and my follow-up appt with the doctor is June 1, 2009. There is so much sorrow in my heart right now. Yet there is gratitude that God spared my life and has allowed me more time with my dear husband and my family. My family and husband are still so traumatized that it will take them a long time to recover.
At one time, I woke up and told J that I was talking to dead people. I don't ever talk like this, but I know that I was talking with my Grandma Elaine and some others that I could not name. That is how close to death I think I was.
The grace through all of this is that I realized that although I would love nothing more to mother a child here on earth, I need to love and appreciate my husband more than my desire to be a mother. I don't need to spend my days toiling for a baby, I need to be thankful for life in all of its giftedness. I still want to have a baby to love one day, but at this time, I want to love the one I just lost. Our baby is with Jesus. They may very well, be in the arms of our holy mother. We did name our baby Nicky. We had always thought of the name of Nicholas for a boy after St. Nicholas, but realized that Nicole is such a beautiful name for a girl and since we did not know the gender of our baby, we thought Nicky was the perfect choice.
Every night when I was pregnant, I would place my blessed St. Gianna medal on my left side as I prayed for the life of our little one. It felt very ironic that while St. Gianna died to spare the life of her child, my life was spared at the cost of our baby's life.
I almost did not want to share this with any of you, because ttc is already so hard and knowing things that could go wrong when you will finally get pregnant is so hard on our hearts. I thought of all of you in my suffering and prayers at the hospital and even now. Apparenently, with an ectopic pregnancy you will still have a chance to conceive again, but while my heart is hopeful it is very cautious. My aunt suffered an ectopic pregnancy and went onto have my cousin, Dillon. My best friend's mom also had an ectopic pregnancy and went onto have two children. I have no idea what God's plans are for me and J, but I am assured that they are great plans. He would not have spared my life otherwise.
I don't know how much I will be blogging as I heal, but know that you all remain in my prayers and will lift up my suffering for healing in prayers for you all.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mixed Reactions
The past few days have been overwhelming. We went to a funeral for a relative of my husband who died suddenly of a heart attach at the age of 52. It was very sad. Yet after standing up at the funeral home and working all day, my back hurt so much. I don't usually have back pain so this made me nervous. When we finally got home I was starving and miserable. First thing I did, though, was have J give me my progesterone injection. I am so anxious about miscarrying, that I am not even enjoying the moments I have with this little one growing under my heart. Then after the shot, I inhaled my dinner, then crashed. I slept until 9am the next day. Only to find that J was miserable. He was limping and in severe pain and needed me to take him to the doctor. We were afraid he hurt a bone in his foot, so I quickly dressed and brought him to a weekend clinic. It turned out to be tendonitis (sp?) and the meds are helping him. He was able to go to work today. He stands on his feet all day long and we really need him to work. So I am so thankful he is feeling better. I got to take a nap after bringing J to the doctor and to the pharmacy for meds, so this made me feel great. Then my SIL and her family came over to visit and they gave me a sweet picture and card from my Godchild. He is the cutest little baby and he is crawling all over the place and he is only 6 mo. old. We had fun visiting them and we even played some games which was fun. It was also great just to cuddle with my godson. He likes to cuddle and be rocked to sleep, so it is good for my heart to be around him.
Then Mother's day arrived. I have had a hard time to get excited about this mother's day, because the memories are so fresh of all the years I would have to bolster my emotions just to make it through church and family visits. Well, this year was different and just as much overwhelming. One of my SIL who is not always so kind, went wild when I arrived at my inlaws and gave me a rose for mothers day. I do not care to be the center of attention so this was overwhelming. I know she is just excited to have a new baby in the family, but it still was a little too much. We had a nice visit there otherwise. Then we went to see my Mom and stepdad and my mom gave me a beautiful gift for mother's day that was completely unexpected but touched my heart so much. Both of our mom's loved the gifts we chose for them, it is so nice to spoil our moms. Throughout the day, I had a pain on my left side for some reason and it continued into the night, making me feel completely psycotic and question everything I was feeling.
Now, onto the reason for my title. Today, my local ob/gyn ordered me to have another blood test for the beta hcg levels and progesterone levels. According to the local lab, my beta hcg level is 7750.85 (on thursday, 5/7, it was 3002.97), progesterone is 26. I had to call for my results bc they were taking too long to share the results and they immediately put the doctor on the phone (which I knew was not a good sign) and he told me that he really wanted my level to be much higher than this at this stage. He said my progesterone was good, but he was very concerned about the hcg not being where he wanted it to be. I asked "So I should be concerned as well?" and he responded "Well, I am not going to sugarcoat any of this for you." I was livid. What a choice of words and the day after mother's day. He then went on to tell me, " guess we will see what happens this friday when I see you again." I tell him of my pain on my left side and he said "Well, if it gets too bad call my office or go to the hospital if it is after hours." Great, just the words to comfort my heart and tattered emotions. So then I get angry at this doctor and wonder how I can switch. I just don't feel well cared for here. I come to the conclusion that I am not taking his theory as my final answer. I call PPVI to talk with a nurse bc I know they got a copy of my bloodwork today. Well, the nurse called me back a few hours later to let me know that Dr. H is completely satisfied with my blood results and in fact he wrote "Good" on the results after he reviewed them. This comforted my heart, in addition to have the nurse listen to how my local doctor responded to the results. She told me not to give up on my baby. She told me to keep praying and that she will pray for me too. Why can't the whole world of doctors and nurses show as much compassion? Tonight I will not be taken my vaginal progesterone so that I can test the progesterone that my body is naturally producing and have it sent to ppvi for review. I am terribly afraid not to have the progesterone tonight because I feel like that is the key to helping me not spot. This whole experience has been so much about trust. Trusting that God is in control of it all and the life of my child and now matter what may come, I can keep trusting God. I am praying that this pain is not caused by an ectopic pregnacy. It comes and goes and I am trying to visualize myself giving birth to a healthy baby, hearing that newborn cry, watching the doctor place the baby in my waiting arms and watching my husband just fall in love with our new baby. I am believing that the God who has blessed me with this pregnancy will bring this baby to a full term birth and safe delievery. God bless us all, as we depend on God to fulfill the desires of our hearts. Two weeks ago, I was just blown away that I was pregnant, now I am despereatley depending on God to fulfill this dream of mine to continue, grow, and live. Please join me in prayer.
I am praying for all of you. I am so thankful for your friendship.
Then Mother's day arrived. I have had a hard time to get excited about this mother's day, because the memories are so fresh of all the years I would have to bolster my emotions just to make it through church and family visits. Well, this year was different and just as much overwhelming. One of my SIL who is not always so kind, went wild when I arrived at my inlaws and gave me a rose for mothers day. I do not care to be the center of attention so this was overwhelming. I know she is just excited to have a new baby in the family, but it still was a little too much. We had a nice visit there otherwise. Then we went to see my Mom and stepdad and my mom gave me a beautiful gift for mother's day that was completely unexpected but touched my heart so much. Both of our mom's loved the gifts we chose for them, it is so nice to spoil our moms. Throughout the day, I had a pain on my left side for some reason and it continued into the night, making me feel completely psycotic and question everything I was feeling.
Now, onto the reason for my title. Today, my local ob/gyn ordered me to have another blood test for the beta hcg levels and progesterone levels. According to the local lab, my beta hcg level is 7750.85 (on thursday, 5/7, it was 3002.97), progesterone is 26. I had to call for my results bc they were taking too long to share the results and they immediately put the doctor on the phone (which I knew was not a good sign) and he told me that he really wanted my level to be much higher than this at this stage. He said my progesterone was good, but he was very concerned about the hcg not being where he wanted it to be. I asked "So I should be concerned as well?" and he responded "Well, I am not going to sugarcoat any of this for you." I was livid. What a choice of words and the day after mother's day. He then went on to tell me, " guess we will see what happens this friday when I see you again." I tell him of my pain on my left side and he said "Well, if it gets too bad call my office or go to the hospital if it is after hours." Great, just the words to comfort my heart and tattered emotions. So then I get angry at this doctor and wonder how I can switch. I just don't feel well cared for here. I come to the conclusion that I am not taking his theory as my final answer. I call PPVI to talk with a nurse bc I know they got a copy of my bloodwork today. Well, the nurse called me back a few hours later to let me know that Dr. H is completely satisfied with my blood results and in fact he wrote "Good" on the results after he reviewed them. This comforted my heart, in addition to have the nurse listen to how my local doctor responded to the results. She told me not to give up on my baby. She told me to keep praying and that she will pray for me too. Why can't the whole world of doctors and nurses show as much compassion? Tonight I will not be taken my vaginal progesterone so that I can test the progesterone that my body is naturally producing and have it sent to ppvi for review. I am terribly afraid not to have the progesterone tonight because I feel like that is the key to helping me not spot. This whole experience has been so much about trust. Trusting that God is in control of it all and the life of my child and now matter what may come, I can keep trusting God. I am praying that this pain is not caused by an ectopic pregnacy. It comes and goes and I am trying to visualize myself giving birth to a healthy baby, hearing that newborn cry, watching the doctor place the baby in my waiting arms and watching my husband just fall in love with our new baby. I am believing that the God who has blessed me with this pregnancy will bring this baby to a full term birth and safe delievery. God bless us all, as we depend on God to fulfill the desires of our hearts. Two weeks ago, I was just blown away that I was pregnant, now I am despereatley depending on God to fulfill this dream of mine to continue, grow, and live. Please join me in prayer.
I am praying for all of you. I am so thankful for your friendship.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Doctor's Appt Tomorrow - today's update w/ Lab results
I am going to see my doctor tomorrow for my first ob appt. Thankfully I recently had a annual exam on March 10. J will be there with me and I keep praying that they will be able to see baby and possibly a heartbeat. We will find out a due date tomorrow, although I already have an idea it will be sometime around Christmas. I still don't have a whole lot of symptoms of early pregnancy and it still feels like this is not even real yet. I do get some pain or spasms a few times a day, but they tend to go away quickly. I keep feeling so unworthy to be at this stage. Despite the years of waiting, I have feelings of concern about sharing it with my close friends who have been unable to have conceive and carry a child. While I know they are happy for me and J, I can sense their longing for this dream to be fulfilled in their lives. I had a hard time sharing it with my aunt who always wanted children and who is now in her late forties and continues to have health problems in regard to her cycles. Yet, her joy was so great because she knew (and understood) the struggle we faced for eight years. She can't wait to meet our baby. I can't either. I never thought I would want to rush the nine months, but I am realizing how much trust I am going to have to exercise in the next nine months. I need to trust that the nine months will come and go and the baby will be healthy and I will do okay in childbirth. I am worrying way too much. I keep thinking that every day is one day closer to meeting our little one. Now that I am feeling better, I am gaining more confidience that God is in control and I AM NOT! Thank goodness, bc I mess things up all the time. HAHA. Thank you so much for your continued support and prayers. I prayed for all of us in front of the tabernacle this morning. I know that God heard my prayers!
______
Update.
We saw the doctor today and it seems I am a little too early on in the pregnancy to see much. They did say my lining looked perfect and we saw a very small black spot on the ultrasound that the doctored said was probably where the baby is growing and then he sent me in for more blood work. I know all the people at the lab now. The probably all know my dob by heart. The fun thing we learned today is that my due date is December 26! That is according to lmp. I think it will be a few days later bc I tend to peak later than the normal person. Overall, there was nothing negative about the appt today so I was happy. There is lots to be thankful for, especially for all of your prayers! Just got a call from the nurse. My hcg level is 3002.97! Yeah!!!! And the prog. level is 331.8! Such high numbers, I am so thankful!
______
Update.
We saw the doctor today and it seems I am a little too early on in the pregnancy to see much. They did say my lining looked perfect and we saw a very small black spot on the ultrasound that the doctored said was probably where the baby is growing and then he sent me in for more blood work. I know all the people at the lab now. The probably all know my dob by heart. The fun thing we learned today is that my due date is December 26! That is according to lmp. I think it will be a few days later bc I tend to peak later than the normal person. Overall, there was nothing negative about the appt today so I was happy. There is lots to be thankful for, especially for all of your prayers! Just got a call from the nurse. My hcg level is 3002.97! Yeah!!!! And the prog. level is 331.8! Such high numbers, I am so thankful!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Good Blood Results
I just got a call back from PPVI. My blood results for today for the hcg level is 1216! Yeah! This weekend was such a battle for me to have courage and faith that God is in control and that I need to trust him in ALL things. Last monday it was 121. A big improvement. You can't even imagine how my heart is rejoicing right now. I am feeling better and am at work today. Thank you all so much for your prayers and reminders to be courageous and to trust God and not my own understanding. I am still is such awe! Blessings to you all and know my prayers continue for all of you!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Feeling Better
I am finally feeling better. Yesterday was horrible, but today is so much better.
I did have some more red spotting yesterday morning and immediately got back in bed and waited until 9am to call the nurse to let her know the brown spotting was continuing (vl, btw) and that I did have some red spotting that morning. She talked with the doctor and they decided I needed a very early utrasound. I am not sure that there is anything that they can see yet. So I dutifully found a ride and cried before my aunt came to get me. I had to go to a local hospital bc my doctor's was closing for the day when the orders were sent out. Well, to make a long story short, I don't think the lady who did the ultrasound new what she was looking for at this early stage in pregnancy. Dr. H told them to look for a fetal pole. It may still be too early for a heartbeat. Well, they did not tell me anything at the hospital so I had to wait for nurse to call me back. Keep in mind that part of the ultrasound was done vaginally and I thought for sure she was trying to find my throat. I was so scared but kept trying to remind myself that God is in control of this situation and my worrying is not going to add or take away from the outcome. I say tried, but I had to keep reminding myself that I was a faithful woman and whatever cross God has set before me, I will be able to handle, by His grace. I don't if it will be gracefully though. So anyway, when the nurse calls me back with the results, she is blown away at their lack of professionalism. She said the results were lacking a great deal. They said in their report that it could be that it is too early to see a growing baby yet, or it could be a missed abortion, or it could be an ectopic pregnancy. It took me nearly all night to get past these terrible thoughts and there was so much fear in my heart that I did not like how I was feeling. My husband was worried, but still very optimistic. So the nurse told me to have Jessy give me another prog. shot last night and that I would need to take some vaginal prog meds starting tonight. Overall, this is the best I have felt in days. I think the prog. shot is working. I have been able to get out of bed and have no red bleeding and I have been drinking so much water, I am staying in the bathroom. My least favorite place to be. I was able to actually eat some breakfast and actually got hungry for lunch. I had a chicken sandwich and some baked chips. I feel like a new woman. What I am afraid of is that on monday that want me to do another quan. beta hcg test to see how that is rising. This is how they found out last time that I was miscarrying, but I keep thinking I have a very agressived doctor and nurse working on my behalf and already I am further along. I just keep praying that we can see some evidence of our little one on Thursday when we have our second ultrasound at my doctor's office. I know that you are all praying so hard for us and I am so very grateful. I have a blessed St. Gianna medal that was touched to her gloves at the shrine and I have been placing that and another gift that was blessed in Jesesulem on my womb when I am lying down.
By the way, when I got home from the ultrasound yesterday and got on my porch there was a beautiful green dragonfly on my porch and the acorn is still right in front of my Mary statue where I put it one Saturday. I hope I am not being foolishly optimistic, I just know that I am being called to be faithful right now!
Since I have found myself with so much more reflective time, I praying for you all! Thanks for your support. You all are truly a gift that God has graciously shared with me. I had asked God to send me friends who could truly understand where I was at in my life and he answered that prayerr through this blog. I would have never imagined. I never thought I would blog, but it is almost like a life source now. God bless you all!
I did have some more red spotting yesterday morning and immediately got back in bed and waited until 9am to call the nurse to let her know the brown spotting was continuing (vl, btw) and that I did have some red spotting that morning. She talked with the doctor and they decided I needed a very early utrasound. I am not sure that there is anything that they can see yet. So I dutifully found a ride and cried before my aunt came to get me. I had to go to a local hospital bc my doctor's was closing for the day when the orders were sent out. Well, to make a long story short, I don't think the lady who did the ultrasound new what she was looking for at this early stage in pregnancy. Dr. H told them to look for a fetal pole. It may still be too early for a heartbeat. Well, they did not tell me anything at the hospital so I had to wait for nurse to call me back. Keep in mind that part of the ultrasound was done vaginally and I thought for sure she was trying to find my throat. I was so scared but kept trying to remind myself that God is in control of this situation and my worrying is not going to add or take away from the outcome. I say tried, but I had to keep reminding myself that I was a faithful woman and whatever cross God has set before me, I will be able to handle, by His grace. I don't if it will be gracefully though. So anyway, when the nurse calls me back with the results, she is blown away at their lack of professionalism. She said the results were lacking a great deal. They said in their report that it could be that it is too early to see a growing baby yet, or it could be a missed abortion, or it could be an ectopic pregnancy. It took me nearly all night to get past these terrible thoughts and there was so much fear in my heart that I did not like how I was feeling. My husband was worried, but still very optimistic. So the nurse told me to have Jessy give me another prog. shot last night and that I would need to take some vaginal prog meds starting tonight. Overall, this is the best I have felt in days. I think the prog. shot is working. I have been able to get out of bed and have no red bleeding and I have been drinking so much water, I am staying in the bathroom. My least favorite place to be. I was able to actually eat some breakfast and actually got hungry for lunch. I had a chicken sandwich and some baked chips. I feel like a new woman. What I am afraid of is that on monday that want me to do another quan. beta hcg test to see how that is rising. This is how they found out last time that I was miscarrying, but I keep thinking I have a very agressived doctor and nurse working on my behalf and already I am further along. I just keep praying that we can see some evidence of our little one on Thursday when we have our second ultrasound at my doctor's office. I know that you are all praying so hard for us and I am so very grateful. I have a blessed St. Gianna medal that was touched to her gloves at the shrine and I have been placing that and another gift that was blessed in Jesesulem on my womb when I am lying down.
By the way, when I got home from the ultrasound yesterday and got on my porch there was a beautiful green dragonfly on my porch and the acorn is still right in front of my Mary statue where I put it one Saturday. I hope I am not being foolishly optimistic, I just know that I am being called to be faithful right now!
Since I have found myself with so much more reflective time, I praying for you all! Thanks for your support. You all are truly a gift that God has graciously shared with me. I had asked God to send me friends who could truly understand where I was at in my life and he answered that prayerr through this blog. I would have never imagined. I never thought I would blog, but it is almost like a life source now. God bless you all!
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