What I am about to write about is one of the primary reasons I making my blog private. There has been an intense struggle since December 2012 with one of the older boys in our home. We have had minor problems with one but significant problems with the other one.
Matthew is currently 16 years old, will turn 17 in July, and is a freshmen. He has significant learning challenges and processes new information in a way that is different than the rest of us in the family. He is doing fairly well in school and has good support from his resource teacher. He is still a typical teenager but when we correct him, his response is mostly respectful and received.
Matthew’s younger brother, Mitchell, on the other hand does not receive our discipline with respect or even generosity of spirit. He has made our home filled with conflict for nearly 3 months, longer if I would try to really pinpoint when it completely got out of hand. Well, the truth of the matter is that he has always wanted to do things his own way and not listen to us. He has periods of time where he is pleasant, but those are few and F-A-R between these last months. In the beginning we thought that with good discipline, love, encouragement, and a safe environment (along with regular medical care for mental health issues) he would thrive and set about making a new pathway for his future.
Well, our hopes were crushed since December. We have tried all of our avenues of care, resources, and the well is dry. He is still wrecking havoc to our nerves and has all but been expelled from school because he is behaving the same way at school as he is at home. He perpetually disregards rules at school. Without giving out too much information, he has done very inappropriate things at school that should have got him expelled. He is quite popular, I will never understand why the disrespectful kids get the popular hat, but they do and that stinks because it reinforces bad behavior. While we have been discouraging it, getting counseling for him, managing his medication, etc he is still behaving the way his did when he lived with his Mother. I have to be honest here, when he was with his mother, he was in alternative schools, had a probation officer, been to court for falsely calling the cops, etc. He had come a long way, but he has reverted to more aggressive, disrespectful behavior.
My heart is weary, my nerves are shot. The counselor, my spiritual director, my family all know we have done everything we can for him. I was trying my best to get him though to May, finish the 8th grade (he is 15 and failed before in the 6th grade) but we and the school are basically “done” there is no more we can do for him. He was told in the first week in January by his counselor that he needed to improve his behavior or else be fully aware that our home would no longer be available to him. I cringe even as I type those words. They make me want to vomit.
My struggle with setting limits with him is mainly a spiritual battle for me. I keep asking God “How can I love him through this stage?” “How can I love him the way you love him?” How can I love him unconditionally?” I keep getting nothing. No answers from God. Yet, today, after another call from the school today begging me to come pick him up because he is causing too many problems, I decide “I am done.” I typed these words in a text to his Mother, “I can do no more for Mitchell.” I have nothing more to give him, I am actually doing him a disservice by keeping him here because there might be a way he can be successful elsewhere. In addition to counseling, psychiatric visits, good discipline, the Total Transformation, and positive church experiences we are still failing him.
Just this week alone, he has been in trouble at school several times, he has failed many tests, refused to do homework, caused significant problems for teachers, and we had a conference with 4 teachers on Wednesday after school. There perception of him is the same one Jessy and I have. He doesn’t want to be “here” (school or home), he is a big bully (at home and school), and he is vulgar, crude, and a bad influence on others. One of his male teachers acknowledged that his ways are vulgar and what he says in his class is embarrassing to him and he is a man. I know this teacher’s perception is spot on because the ways he is describing is identical to the words I find of letters to his girlfriend.
We have always battled him taking food without permission and leaving crumbs, bowls, spoons, forks, etc in room and bathroom. We tried to remedy this problem by leaving approved snacks out and asking him that if he eats, leave the wrappers in sink so we can know what is being eaten. He did this for awhile, but on Tuesday, we found about 7 cups and spoons/forks under the bathroom sink filled with chocolate on the bottoms from him getting up in the middle of the night and making huge glasses of chocolate milk. The chocolate syrup was new and then magically empty, the milk was always going so fast but we had no idea why. Now we do. We also noticed other food items missing from the pantry and he denied eating them but the wrappers were his drawers. He lies, steals, and abuses. We can not take it any more. I will pray for him, but I cannot shelter him in our home anymore. We cannot. We cannot give him whatever it is he needs.
Once again, he will likely be put back in the care of his mother. I tried to make it to May for his educational benefit, but he is burning the last embers on the bridge for school too.
I could use your prayers, because quite frankly, I don’t feel very Christ-like right now and it is weighing down my soul. I need Christ’s love in a way I have never needed it before. The truth is, he does too!
