Island, Tears, and Truth

I have been feeling sick. Simple migraine issues that make me feel like I am dying. I cried while putting Joseph to sleep today because the pounding in my head was just breaking me down. I have tears in my eyes right now just letting those words have life and not just live in my thoughts. I feel so helpless, tired, and alone. Even though my house is bustling with chaos, I feel like I am on an island and I am the only one to care for Joseph and I. Occasionally, a few people show up but they make my life a series of actions, no depth. My husband has been working alot, we are new parents to two troubled (very troubled) teens, and I have one very clingy, teething, sweet little boy. It is soul crushing to feel this way. I feel like I can barely keep up, and then God gives me extra strength. I don't like to feel this way and I don't like the words that come out of my mouth at 2 am when I can't seem to sooth my baby back to sleep because I can barely open my eyes because my head hurts too much.

This is not where I want my life to be right now. But living with fertility issues, living within a complicated family, and outliving two of my children have taught me that I don't get to get what I want all the time. Even just every once in a while, is nice, but not expected. For instance, I asked my husband to do one thing for me two nights ago, it never happened and I just fumed internally. He never knew I was upset, only me. I only hurt myself. I am just used to telling my husband what I want/need and he usually accommodates my wishes fairly easy and without thought but right now he is completely worn out too and running on fumes.

I am finding myself upset often and not being able to choose my battles well with the older two boys because it is like they have been raised by wolves, no wolves would have done a better job raising them. This only adds to my grief because I see just how neglected they have been for so long and by members of my own family!!! It makes me sick. It was in 2007 that we started taking a really backseat approach to being it their lives, except their whole family moved in with us in 2008 and it was the worst experience of my life, except for learning to live life with out Nicky. One of them today was in tears because he told me that "I don't know why I keep lying to yall, I don't know why I keep being disrespectful." I told him that I believed him, but it is time to be a new creation, a new way of life has to take root or we will never be able to live in peace and be able to trust him. They have been trained to be bad, liars, thieves, and to be unaccountable for their actions . . . they have been taught that it is ok to live with failure, that it is all they are capable of. Can be we get them out of this rut? I know we cannot, but God can. Hourly, I beg Our Blessed Mother to guide me to be a mother to the three boys in my home. I am suffering, I feel my wounds and vulnerability just being magnified every minute.

The joy of my life is Joseph. I try so hard to be a good mother, but I am failing miserably at that as well. I cannot get him to sleep alone in his own bed for more than 40 minutes at night or 30 minutes during the day. He will sleep all night in our bed, or nap for two hours on me during the day, but no sleep is happening if he is in his crib. It is making me very grouchy and I only did it to myself. I can come up with many reasons I held him so much when he was little (reflux, colic, fear of something happening him related to breathing) but I should have figured something out by now. I have no one to blame but myself. I cannot stand to hear him cry for a long time when I can easily comfort him, but he needs to learn to comfort himself at some point. He can sort of soothe himself in our bed, but most likely he has to be rubbing our skin. I have tried to transfer his affection to a lovie, but he wants nothing to do with it. Unfortunately, his crib is in our room for a few reasons and I am not going to be moving it out anytime soon, so I am not sure what to do.

I am finally getting some relief from my migraine, I think it is mostly stress, allergies, etc. I am finally relaxing in my bed, while Joseph sleeps near me. I really hope we can find a solution that works for all of us. I cannot keep up with this way of life. I want to say I am open to suggestions, but I cannot accept any ridicule right now because I am too sensitive. If someone would have told me I would have a co-sleeping baby, I would have argued with them because that is one thing I wanted to avoid, but once again, I wanted to avoid alot of crosses and I still had to bear them. While being able to snuggle with a babe is not the kind of 'cross' I am used to, it is still affecting my life to where I am stressed and feel as though I am a bad mother. I feel like I am going to raise a spoiled babe because I can't get him to sleep alone! Really packing on the pressure here!

I have got to let myself relax. Somehow God will see me through . . . He has never let me down before.


Happy Birthday Mary, Mother of God. You are such a good role model for me! I wish I could have you over for a cup of tea so you could share your wisdom and love with me face to face. I need a motherly woman in my life right now.