Freaking out with Update

Update: Our test was negative and I would be amiss to not share that this was very disappointing news for both of us. I am not really suprised . . . I have been on NO medications. Nothing. I was just very hopeful and while there are a million and one reasons to say that, ideally, we are not ready to add to our family just yet, I was praying so hard that God had other plans!! I am one blessed girl, I get to love my little guy lots tonight and snuggle close and remember just what a beautiful miracle he is to my heart every single day of my life!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I am sitting here just plain freaking out. I need to remind myself that fear is not from God. Over the Christmas holidays I slept . . . alot. Jessy was home and I figured I was just catching up on my rest. Got the baby to sleep in his crib also helped the situation. Then my sense of smell hit an all time high recently. Then I cried . . . cried big time over something on the Tod.ay show yesterday. Then my top ladyparts were so sore, sore enough to wear two bras because the pain seemed unreal. Then I did the inevitable. I took a test. Last night, it was negative. I took another one this morning. It did not work. I went back to bed until Joseph woke up. When we both woke up I saw that the test showed a faint positive. But lo and behold it was after the 10 min. window of opportunity. I desperately want another baby. I am simply terrified of EVERYTHING!!! Of possibly losing a baby that I am not sure exists yet. I am achy, have a backache and crampy stomache. Please join me in prayer. On a sidenote, I did not have any more tests to use, so I asked my hubby to pick up one at Wal-mart but he forgot. So he stopped at the dollar store due to my pleading and I told him no one would know him. Well after he asks the lady for some she says they are out and as he is walking away she asks him "Are you from Hayes?" hahaha

A Walker

It is with great excitement (and a few tears) that I get to share that Joseph took his first big steps last night. He has been taking 1-2 steps here and there over the Christmas break, but he walked for his Daddy and I last night for about 6-7 steps. It was really unbelievable to watch. It was just perfect, seeing his Daddy's face light up and we both began to clap for him and he then clapped for a good ten minutes :)) He has been such a happy boy, learning brand new things every single day. I cannot believe he is already 1 and starting to walk. For the most part, I still feel like I am still living a dream. I cannot beleive I am raising and loving our sweet little boy every day and also raising my two teenage cousins. Whew, life is so full. There has been the reminder of loss here in our home lately. Our sweet Bailey got sick over the weekend and we brought her to the vet and she is still on the mend. The bloodwork showed that her liver enzymes were not right and it was making her dehydrated and very sick. They gave her fluids and we are doing meds fo her for 14 days in the hopes that she will make a miraculous recovery. It is very sad because she wants me and only me right now and when she is near me, Joseph wants her. She is moving more, jumping more, and eating a bit more along with drinking more water. The meds are hard to get down for her, so sad. She is only two years old and this sickness came out of the blue. She is the one who healed my broken heart after the loss of Nicky. She came into our lives about 3 weeks after the loss of the baby and she and I slept on the recliner together for three solid weeks until I was ready to sleep in our room again. She was very tiny and fragile and slept on my chest most of the time. It is hard to watch her suffer. She seems so hallow, but her spirit is just so friendly still. Our whole family, all five of us along with Daisy, just adore our Bailey so we are all praying that she is better very soon.

My encounter with Mary

Mass today was amazing. Not because I got to hear the homily. Not because I got to listen to the readings of Scripture. Not because I got to sit in my pew the whole time, because I spent the majority of the time keeping Joseph happy in the back. I did not mind, except that he is getting so heavy. From the back of the church I could tell my husband was haning on the priest's every word. It is not even because the priest spoke so well and Joseph obviously loved him from the moment he walked down the aisle, I could not even tell you his name. It was because there was a beautiful girl sitting in the pew right across the aisle from me. She did not look to be a day past her sixteenth birthday, She was glowing, positively glowing. She would look toward Joseph and I and just beam . . . as she held the most beautiful little angel closely and peacefully in her loving arms. I had never seen this young woman before at our church but then again we have been slackers lately in our church attendence with Joseph's sleep routine. She just looked to be the most patient, calm Momma in the whole church :) She was alone in the pew with her daughter and was just so prayerful for a girl her age. It was really a gift to see. So, naturally, after mass, I go over to say a little hello and introduce ourselves and her little one and Joseph finally get to say 'Hi'. They had been admiring one another from a distance for awhile. When I chatter with her, I said "What a beautiful daughter you have. She is very special. I can see she makes her mother very happy." This young woman just shook her head yes so big, with the largest smile I had ever seen and all I could imagine is how lucky I am to meet a "Mary" on this Feast of the Solemnity of Mary. I just love to see a good, young mother. It reminds me to always be thankful for their 'yes', and gives me a glimpse of what our Mom's must have looked like raising Jessy and I. My Mom was only 16 when I was born and Jessy's Mom was only 15. Speaking of young mothers, it was today, 36 years ago that my dear mother-in-law gave birth to my loving husband. I am so thankful that God called us to share our lives together, allows us to dream together, and to grow in faith and love together! I often forget just how blessed I am to have a life partner who is so giving, kind, and fun!!! We have enjoyed the last week and half, as he has been off and spent every day with Joseph, Matthew, Mitchell, and I. He is the most loving man I have ever known and I am so grateful to be loved by him. Happy Birthday, my love. You make so many of my dreams come true!