Sadness

Today was a sad day for me. I could not escape it. Someone who knows that pain of M/C sat right in front of my desk today and talked nonstop about her young unmarried daughter who had a baby girl the week after we lost our baby. I could almost handle it, until I found out that she knew that how bad it was for me and my husband. I had mentioned how grateful I was that Fr. Whitney (the priest who did our pre marriage counseling with us and officiated our wedding) came by to visit me and administer the annointing of the sick the day after my surgery and she told me that he told her he went to see me. She is his housekeeper. It was fine that she knew. No secret there, it is what Fr. Whitney told her that brought me so much pain. She said that Fr. Whitney told her how bad off I was at the time, but she told me that Fr. Whitney told her that they really need to pray for J because he was "really torn up about what happened." I don't mind them talking about me, but I did want them to talk about my husband and his wounded emotions. I thought I was the only one to really see his suffering heart. Why does life have to been this damn hard?
On the day of our anniversary, I was so determined to celebrate our love for one another and how lucky we are to have one another. Yet, when I checked my mail that afternoon, I got all of the medical records I requested from my recent hospitalization. Well the description of my last ultrasound on my baby's feast day, I was slapped in the face. I read that they could see the fetal pole and CARDIAC ACTIVITY! I can't get that out of my mind. They calculated the baby to be 6w2d old based on the crown to rump measurements. This is the only real description I have of my baby. I really thought that the baby, Nicky, really had already been surrendered to God before my surgery and I am haunted by what I imagine. I know that there is no way Nicky could grow and develop in the position they were in, but I am being haunted nonetheless. The only consolation that I had that day was being fully immersed in knowing that God was sending hope my way. As you all know, dragonflies were very present to me at the beginning of my miracle pregnancy. They remained present to me throughout the glorious time that I was enjoying my miracle pregnancy. On the day of my anniversary, the quad at the retreat center was SWARMED with DRAGONFLIES!!!!! The first thought was that God was telling us to not give up! Telling us not to lose HOPE! Then later that night, I realized that maybe this was a gift from God to remind us that our little Nicky is well and enjoying their Heaven. Like St. Therese said she will spend her heaven doing good on earth. I believe that Nicky and Sam will do the same.

A little update on my aunt. Yes, she is only 39 and had a heart attack. She lost her husband when her two boys were only 1 and 2 years old. She just remarried in May 09 to a man we are hoping to learn to appreciate. Years ago when she was battling breast cancer, she asked J and I to committ to taking care of her two boys if anything would ever happen to her. She is only 8 years older than me and has had a hard life, but her boys have had it harder. We love them very much but would love it so much more for her to be the mother they deserve and for them to have their mom for many more years. That doesn't seem likely at this point. Her body is going down so fast and they are not sure exactly what is going on with her heart. She is possibly getting out of the hospital tomorrow, all we can do is pray at this point.

I am sorry that this blog is filled with so much grief.

Empty House to Full House!

We had a full house tonight and I got a quick taste of how hard it is to juggle meeting the needs of 8 month old, a 11 year old, 1 busy-needy kitten, and one set in her ways cat! I thought it would all be too much, but I found enough energy to do all that needed to be done, thanks to a very helpful husband. We had planned to have M (the 11 year old who has been with us alot of the last 10 years when my aunt would get sick or need respite) for the night because his 39 year old mom has a heart attack on Monday and is stil in the hospital. Then my SiL called to see if we could babysit our godchild for the night. We missed him and while I thought it would be too much to handle, I said yes. Well the night turned out to be wonderful (so far, Little G is still sleeping). We even had the inlaws come by bc they found out we had their youngest grandchild here and they missed him too. I have never seen them enjoy him so much. They were on the floor playing with him, they don't even do this with him at their own home. It was a privelege to see. Both kiddos had a great time playing with Baylie which gave Daisy a break! Now, Baylie is sleeping, G is sleeping, and M is going to bed right now. What a night!
In cycle news, I am on cd 9 with the first two days being VL and there is no flow now. This is amazing to me. I was really scared that because of my history with irregular bleeding, I would not stop bleeding once I started after the emergency surgery.
We took M to see UP at noon today and I really learned alot about letting go . . . about not getting attached to only one way, and learning not to substitute personal possestions for relationships with people!
Well, here are a few pics from this evening. Enjoy! Oh, and excuse my dirty house, I cleaned before, but you could not tell that by these pics! He loved the spatula and bowl almost more than the toys :)

Happy 9th Anniversary!

Today, J and I are celebrating our 9th anniversary! This year was extra special for us and we took special care in celebrating our marriage today. God has truly blessed us!
I stole this from Living Advent! I thought it would be fun to take some time to reflect on our lives so far!

1. Where/how did you meet: We met at Southern Marble. I had just got a second job while making my way through college. When I pulled in the parking lot for my interview, I knew in my gut that wanted me to know that I would meet my husband there. The funny thing is that when I met the guy who owned the company, I thought God surely has a sense of humor since he was much older than me. I then met some of the other men who worked there (I was the only female besides the owners mom and new wife) who were much older too. Then one day, J walked in the showroom where I worked and we immediately hit it off! God was right, imagine that.
2. How long have you known each other: 10 1/2 years!
3. How long after you met did you start dating: 2 weeks
4. How long did you date before you were engaged: 7 1/2 months
5. How long was your engagement: 10 months
6. How long have you been married: 2 years
7. What is your anniversary: July 1
8. How many people came to your wedding reception: 160
9. What kind of cake did you serve: traditional white cake with vanilla frosting - It was a big hit. It had beautiful little white dots all over and was 3 tiers.
10. Where was your wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception
11. What did you serve for your meal: Crawfish Etouffee
12. How many people were there in your bridal party: 4
13. Are you still friends with them all: yes
14. Did you or your spouse cry during the ceremony: Yes - we both did!
15. Most special moment of your wedding day: It was all so memorable. I do remember the sharing of peace. We had three priests at our wedding and one of them prayed the entire time and he gave us a special message that God placed on his heart to share with us at that time. He was just so humbled to share the message with us and you can hear him share it with us on the video!
16. Any funny moments: everybody left the church before us and we had to carry out altar flowers because there was a wedding that was going to start shortly after ours. We also rode to the reception in a minivan in the rain! It was a perfect sunny day and then the rain poured down! Our priest told everyone at the mass that there was enough sunshine in the two of us to not be bothered by the weather!
17. Any big disasters: Fortunately we didn't really have any big disasters on the wedding day. Before the wedding day there was of course some drama. My dress almost got stained from when I took my bridal pictures. I took some photos before the weeding a few weeks early at a plantation home and someone overwatered some plants and my train got stained. It all came out, but I was so worried! 18. Where did you go on your honeymoon: We took a cruise to Cozumel, Progresso, and Playa de Carmen. It was wonderful! We spent most of our time in the small cabin! We were so happy in love!
19. How long were you gone: One week
20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change: I would have been more patient with my Mom! She was having a hard time letting go.
21. What side of the bed do you sleep on: usually on the side closest to the bathroom :)
22. What size is your bed: King
23. Greatest strength as a couple: Our understanding that nothing can be taken for granted.
24. Greatest challenge as a couple: IF, Miscarriage, Ectopic Pregnancy
25. Who literally pays the bills: I write the checks and mail them! He makes most of the money!
26. What is your song: "I will be here" by Stephen Curtis Chapman
27. What did you dance your first dance to: same as #26
28. Describe your wedding dress: a beautiful white gown with lots of beading and crystals. It had short beaded sleeves and a cathedral train.
29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding: roses and orchids all in white, light pink and lavender
30. Are your wedding bands engraved? What do they say? His is with "Beyond ALL-ways" which means that I will love for always and unconditionally in all ways. My ring was too narrow to have engraving.

This was so much fun! I really liked thinking about the special times in our special day!