The cloak of sadness has lifted

I just wanted to write a short post (let's see if I can keep it short) about being ministered to by the angels while in the desert. I truly feel humbled that I was so blessed to receive the prayers of so many beautiful souls, especially for those that offered up their suffering in my behalf. I think that yesterday was my peak day and for some reason that I cannot understand, I get extremely emotional. Anything can make me cry, roll my eyes, or make me want to only get MY way. I even saw my spiritual director for a few minutes yesterday as she stopped my office to see her spiritual director and she simple asked me if I would be around during Holy week for our next appointment. I told her that I was planning to go on retreat that week (I just found out about it having openings) so she asked me how I was and I told her I was miserable. Then the dam broke and the tears shed. I did not want to cry as I was sitting at my desk and I had already had a few crying spells in the bathroom earlier. I told her miserable is a very strong word, but that I just could not understand why my husband could not compromise. By the way the whole reason I was upset with my husband was bc of a comment he made about a tv character who changed her mind about adoption. I was blown away at the words that came next bc he really does not believe that the child can have peace and know their true value when they discover that their parents did not value them enough to keep them and raise them themselves. We both we unplanned pregnancies (his mom was 15 when she got pregnant with him and she kept him and married his father and they are still together - not typical, they were blessed ; and my mom was raped at 15 and got pregnant at this first sexual encounter and then was encouraged to abort me by my own grandmother because she feared what would happen to my mom if she kept me, so my mom ran off and married another guy who mistreated her, but she sacrificed and kept me). To my husband this is the greatest love a parent can show their child is by never abandoning them, he does not see that giving the child the chance at a better life is showing great love and sacrifice too. I had a very difficult childhood and by the grace of God I was never abused or mistreated. My entire mom's family helped in raising me and then I was blessed with a faithful stepfather at 9 years old and that is where my faith journey began. Anyway, can you see how I got all bent out of shape for something that really means alot to me, but to my husband he did not know what set me off.
After I shed a few tears with my spiritual director, she told me that I need to see her sooner and that she wants me to know that some people say hard times make you stronger, but I say hard times make you better. You will come out of this better. Well, after she left, I truly felt like the cloak of darkness was lifted from my shoulders. Someone once told me that tears clean our eyes so that our vision will be clearer. I think this is true. FJIEJ suggested that J and I find some bonding things to do together and we did about three of them last night. We cooked dinner together, prayed for one another, and honeymooned :)
God was very gracious to me yesterday and today. Today, at prayer we talked about Jonah and the whale and I truly believe that I am being delivered from the belly of the whale. Yesterday, I was in the belly of the whale - in utter darkness. Just talking about it today almost made me cry. Do any of you experience lots of weepiness around your peak days? Since my surgeries and getting my hormones levels out a bit, I feel like I am getting to know a new me. It is very hard. Alot of the time, I feel emotionally unstable. But today I am better. Thank Jesus! Thank you so much for your prayers.
Here is another thought that I am sharing with God and discerning what it all means. So much for keeping this post short. I remember at my lingerie shower I had all of my closest friends, my aunts, and my grandma there. It was a suprise and was very special. I remember my grandma asked me how many children I wanted to have (keep in mind she was the mother of seven) and I quickly told her "I want a big family, as many as God wants to give me." The 'as many as God wants to give me" part is really making me wonder if I can be at peace if God is only wanting to give us the one he already gave us and the one he called home to himself? Or is all of the work that we have done really what God has called us to so that he can bless us generously in his own timing. I keep thinking that w/o doing all of the surgeries and the meds, etc . . . that I would not have really been open to life. Doing the surgeries and all of the daily meds are my calling to be open to life in my marriage. Does any of this make any sense to those of you out there who are traveling the same road I am on?
One final note, I promise - if God is working on my husband's heart to prepare it for adoption and his wonderings and comments that might seem anti-adoption to me, might in fact be him working it out in his head and heart. I will continue to be patient and love my husband. May God bless all of us and our marriages. May we forever find consolation in knowing that we are living out God's will for our lives.

Prayers Needed

I don't know why but I am really struggling with faith today. Faith that God is leading me and I am following him. I am battling a war of spirits right now and having a difficult time keeping my mouth shut and kind at work today. Not good for working for the Lord and the people of God. Please pray. I am not in a good place and I don't even know what to think of my cycle anymore or any remote chance I will ever be blessed with children. I just keep discovering that DH and I share different dreams and it is stressing me out. I don't even have the will to argue anymore. I have been devoting so much more time to prayer and I can see why. I need all of the armor of God for this battle surrounding me. God will deliver me from this darkness. I keep thinking that I am on the verge of being surrounded by miracles, but I have to surrender this time to make it there. There is nothing essentially wrong with my husband, we just have differend opinions on adoption and this is so hard for me to accept. I may be making this so big and to God it is all part of his plan and that he wants us to have children through my own life-giving womb. I don't know, but it is not making it any easier to understand. I just feel that ever since I have completely started to make a determined attempt to step up my prayer life and devotion to a sacramental marriage and my life-giving vocation, I have been bombarded! Literally! I need my sword and shield. Just saying it all relieving in a way. I try so hard to have a good attitude and I am so sensitive that just the demenor of a person near me can change my perception. I know this is not of God and I have to figure out a way to handle it.

Wanting to o like a rabbit! HA

As I am trying to interpret my crazy chart yesterday, I read the funniest thing in the Creighton book as I was trying to figure if the day before was my P day! I still feel like sugh a freak for still questioning myself everyday about how to chart what my body is doing. I read all about the happenings at ovulation and read that people need to dispel the myth that a woman ovulates by being stimulated sexually. Really, did anyone ever buy into this myth? But apparently rabbits ovulate this way and ever since reading this, I was just thinking "Why can't I o like a rabbit?" HAHAHAHAA! Seriously, I think I have fallen off of the deep end!

I am on cd 16 and I thought P day was on friday, but today I discovered some more p type mucus before church! Boy, oh boy! I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I had a really tough end of the week emotionally. Like pulling away from my sweet husband for no real reason. Well, let's just say, he romanced me this weekend. I am so grateful!

I have been reading some really inspirational stuff and I am just amazed how much I am growing spiritually. After giving up my will in surrender to God on Ash Wednesday, I have been searching for what will bring meaning to my life - what am I called to nurture at this very moment?

In adoration on Friday night, I really just poured out my heart to God. I told him, "I cannot apologize anymore for the desires he has placed into my heart! God you made me a woman. A woman who desires to nuture life. I cannot expect my husband to understand everything thought that I express to him, I am different from him and, God, you made me to be this way!!! I am a woman, God. Nothing I am asking you for is outlandish and I am not underserving! I understand you are with me as I carry this cross, but I cannot change the essence of who you created me to be and I know you, God, would not want to me to alter the giftedness you have created in me." Being able to tell him this was so freeing! In the adoration chapel that we go to, there is a long wall of painted white bricks! I kept thinking, what would be easier -- knocking and beating down this brick wall or finding a door and going through to the other side. I knew that I am ready to go through the door. I just don't understand why I am so impatient in waiting for the 18 months we were encouraged to wait for a favorable result/outcome of all of this trying. I keep thinking is that what it means to be bipolar????????? Every cycle that goes by makes the longing even more real. We have waited a really long time, but I will continue to believe that nothing will get in the way of God's miracles coming into our lives!