Life, all of those entrusted to us

Today we remembered those babies we loved without ever holding, those that we only know by heart.  

And, today I celebrated life with the little one we know by heart and whom we wake up to each morning.

I love this little three year old, only two short months away from turning four years old.  Such gratefulness I experience with each giggle and each "mommy.  Mommy!  MOMMY!!!"

Earlier this month, I was experiencing some deep grieving related to the loss and circumstances of Nicky, our precious second child. I may never quite get over the deep sadness of how one moment he/she was thriving but in the next were no longer growing within me.  I had a vision of what the surgery to save my life must have entailed and it brought me great sadness.  In some ways, I never really consciously reflected on Nicky's Feast Day in Heaven or what date that would be, however once I put those things together my ache for knowing Nicky grew even stronger.  For 8 straight years I lived deeply grieved our loss of Sammy and quite honestly was horrible about surrendering to God during that time, grief just swallowed all my joy for a very long time.  After losing Sammy I struggled with major infertility struggles which compounded my sadness. However, the longing in my heart will be to one embrace those two babies as I do everyday with Joseph.

Even though I am writing about my missing my other two babies, their little brother and I hd a beautiful day together at the park and enjoyed feeling the breeze caress our skin, smell the fresh cut grass, and rejoice in the warm sun nourishing life within us!  

Joseph thought this fountain was a swimming pool and begged me to take his clothes off so he could swim.  The pool at our hotel during vacation had fountains like that so he thought it was swimming time.  I did (bad parent) let him did his feet!  I should have known better ;)!

So, while I am being completely honest, I truly miss my two older children.  Web I get sad because Joseph is an "only" child I have to focus my energy to remember HE IS NOT an only child.  He is our third child and while I don't know if we will ever be able to give him the gift of another sibling here on earth, he does have two fabulous saints in heaven that are praying for him, loving him, and will be ready to spend eternity with him when God sees fit to call us all to heaven many, many, many years from now.  

That is my consolation, knowing that eternally, he will be loved by these two prescious souls we anticipate meeting in heaven one day!

We are grateful that he experiences a brother relationship with Matthew.  

So thankful, God is in control and I am not.

So tonight, I am praying for all those who share that same longing for children they never held in their arms, but I am certain that holding them in our heart is the greater gift.  Knowing they were brought into existence out of deep love and intention, brings peace to my heart, just as knowing they are enjoying the eternal banquet with Jesus is a healing balm to my mothering soul.

Rest in Peace, 

Sammy (9/2000)

Nicky (5/16/2009)

May the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.  Amen.