Mountain Climbing

I was on my way home from work this afternoon and I heard this amazing song from Sanctus Real called "Whatever Your Doing (Something Heavenly)" and the chorus has sort of been my mantra for the last month! Today I just really meditated on the lyrics and prayed them within the deep recesses of my heart and realized that I am actually trying to really surrender to God's will and I am starting feel a little anxiety! A link to the lyrics is here: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sanctus-real-lyrics/whatever-you_re-doing-(Something-heavenly)-lyrics.html . There is a line that asks "Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessy over these hills?" I want so much to believe that I am doing everything to follow God's will! I equate following God's will to mountain climbing! To be a skilled mountain climber you have to condition your body by being healthy and of a strong mind! You have to have fierce determination to make it to the top! You have to calculate every move you make, knowing when to move or when to hold still and wait! I am so hopeful at this time, that I can't help but wonder if the bottom is going to fall out from under me and I will disappoint those around me by not becoming pregnant soon enough, if ever! I guess that this line of thinking wormed it's into my thougts at lunch today! At work, they prepare a lunch for all of the staff and we gather together for the meal and just connect with one another in conversation on something other than work. Well, it is only my second day back to work after my recent surgery and the priest I work with is quite sure that I will be pregnant sometime before Christmas and then I will leave and never come back to work! They really missed me and are so hopeful that we will conceive very soon, but they are not ready for me to leave my job for good! They continued to tease me, good naturedly, of course, about placing bets on when we will be blessed with a baby! While I appreciate their prayers and encouragement, it was a bit overwhelming and I suddenly felt alot of pressure to be successful in ttc. I really believe that God has placed such faith-filled and encouraging people in my path for a reason. I am so thankful for having them in my life, in fact, I am going to make them a suprise dessert for tomorrow's lunch! The ladies in the kitchen are always feeding us so well and I want to do something to show them how much I appreciate all that they do for us! So my prayer at this time is that God will give me the determination to of a mountain climber and help me to know when to move foward when he calls me foward!

New Life ~ Gotta Love It!

Today was a great, but long day! I was able to spend the day with my sister-in-law as she prepared to deliver her firstborn. They did have to induce because she was due last week, so they started to give her a drip at 12 am today! The doctor broke her water at 7:40 am and she wanted to go all natural (I am not sure I would be so strong) so she continued to push only to get to 5 cm by 5 pm! Poor girl, she was giving her all! They finally decided to do a c-section at 7:30 pm! Thank goodness, because he was awkwardly positioned and he would not have been able to make out of the birth canal very safely, if ever! I am so glad to say that his mommy and he are doing great!

Now, five years ago, I would never have been able to stay in the hospital room without crying for the pain I was experiencing in not being the one able to give birth to my own child. I believe that it is surely by the grace of God that my heart has healed and I am able to be so joyful to share in the joy of others as they celebrate new life. God has truly delivered me to a better place. I felt so honored to be a part of their miracle! It was a great gift that they gave to me!

One other benefit of this experience was that I knew that if I could see how great my sister-in -law managed her pain, it would give me courage to know that I could do the same one day if God so willed it! Ever since my last surgery and knowing that we we might actually have a chance to conceive, I have gotten more nervous about the whole actually being pregnant and giving birth part of becoming a mother! I have spent the last five years preparing my heart and soul for adoption! I love the nature of adoption and all of the pure giftedness of the miracle of adoption! I didn't really think of it as a plan B, but as the way that God would will our family to grow! We had the opportunity to adopt, but it was a very unusual adoption and my husband never had God's peace about that particular adoption as we prayed and discerned God's will in it all. We struggled a great deal at that time and with great love, God blessed our marriage through our struggle! Anyway to make a long story a little shorter, it was after great prayer and surrender to God's will that I was able to fully rely on God to fulfill all of the desires of my heart! I kept praying that if God did not will for my husband and I to adopt that he would remove this passionate desire from my heart!

And what is God good for? Answering prayers!!!! He answered my prayers in slowing helping me to not be so focused on only adoption. I remember when we were discerning as to whether or not to pursue treatment with Dr. Hilgers and finding out the costs of everything, I remember telling my husband that we could just save all to the money we would spend on treatment to put toward our adoption, but he, in his wisdom, gently reminded that no matter if we chose to adopt or were blessed with a child through natural conception, I needed to be in the best health to be the best Mom I was meant to be! I begrudgingly agreed. I knew I wanted to be well, but I was so tired and afraid to pursue a possible deadend, that I fully relied of God to bless our journey because my hopeful heart was cautious!

When I brought this to prayer, God revealed to me that they were little souls patiently waiting for us! Waiting for us to be ready, even as we were ready for them to join us in this life! God's answer was clear to me that I am still in awe that he would have such great plans for my husband and I! I am still so hopeful and thankful that God desires to bless me in the way he sees fit!

By the way, in relation to the question regarding my job, I work at a Retreat Center. I used to do a lot of volunteer work in retreats for high school students and students at our local university! I loved being a part of directing and facilitating retreats for young adults, but life changes and now I really feel called to share with women in my community that they do not have to suffer alone with not knowing how to care for their fertility or who may be struggling with infertility! Fortunately, God has really given me an opportunity to share my experience with others at my job! It is amazing who God sends through my office door and how they all feel so free to share their struggles. I just want to be a source of hope for them and sometimes, it only takes a smile and a listening ear! Now that I am not so ashamed of the cross God has given me to bear and I am able to share it with others, I am finding there are so many young women who are suffering as I suffered. I am able to let them know that they do not have to live this way and most importantly, there is no shame it struggling with fertility concerns! Thank goodness for people who are able to fully live out their vocation!!! May I learn to do the same . . . with a heart full of gratitude!

Ever Hopeful

I am new to blogging, but have found so much great insights by reading some of the blogs that are related to my struggle with infertility! The reason I started a blog is so that I can make comments on some of the other great blogs I have found encouraging! God Bless you all!

I am so blessed to have my Catholic faith to encourage me and keep me in safe zones in seeking treatment for all of my physical concerns! Who would have known that my path would cross with an amazing woman who was an Instructor for the Creighton Method and who knew Dr. Thomas Hilgers at the Pope Paul VI Institute.

To make a long story short, my husband and I were married in July 2000 and we eagerly anticipated starting a family! We had no intention of avoiding pregnancy! It was always my fear that I would have trouble conceiving one day, so we were fully open to new life from the beginning of our marriage. In September 2000, I began to have unusual spotting, so I called my doctor and he wanted me to come in immediately. I had already taken a home pregnancy test, which was negative. I did not think he suspected that I would be pregnant. Well, I was pregnant! I was so happy, but also nervous b/c of the light spotting and I was afraid that I would miscarry. My husband and I had a joyful, but cautious weekend and I returned to the doctor on the following monday. It was then that the blood test revealed that I was miscarrying our first child. I was devasted and my sad mood lasted a long time. I am glad to say that I grieved the loss of our child for a significant amount of time but none of it was wasted time. With the help of my faith, my husband, friends, and family, healing did come, emotionally, at least.

My body never seemed to heal physically, though. I continued to have female reproductive health problems. Over the last eight years, we have seen many doctors in many cities across America. It has only been in the last year that we have found the hope that we were desperately seeking. We were referred to Dr. Hilgers and he accepted me as a patient. He has been able to diagnose me with Insulin Resistance, Thyroid System Dysfunction, PCOS, Endometriosis, and adhesions to my ovaries. In September, I had surgery to correct all of of these concerns! I will continue to take my Glucophage and T3 and so far, I am having favorable results. Dr. Hilgers seems to believe that we have a 90% chance to conceive naturally within 12-18 months! We are very thankful to God that He has been so good to us! Don't get me wrong, I have spent many days being sad, but my days are getting brighter!