I am determined to make this month a thankful one! I may have started late, but here are three things I am thankful for today:
(1) My Mom, I am so grateful for her courage to give me life.
(2) Daisy & Baylie
(3) A job with benefits!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Lazy Haze
It seems that I have been so lazy lately and my brain is stuck in a cloudy haze. I don't really know how to get out of that funk. It has me pretty worried.
Even my husband told me today "Isn't too early in the month to be feeling this way?" That question did wonders for my spirit! Yeah right. I did not hold it against him though because I am wondering the same thing.
Today is cd 13 and it was so funny that I actually got upset for not having the bodily signs I want to see at this stage in the game. I guess it is possible for me to have a peak on cd 12, but that would be a record for me. I did feel some pain on my left side today that would have made me think it could be related to O pain.
I am confident that I am way too emotional about all of it, but I just felt so hopeless today. I thought to myself, I guess we just have to learn to live with dissatisfaction. I don't think that I can settle to be like that though and I don't think I should have to, but if I am storing up my treasures in Heaven, then why should I worry?
I am amazed at how God moves in the lives of others, but I just wonder what He has in mind for us. I am tired of begging. Yet I will keep begging if I will get what I want. The only way to find out is to keep begging :)
I am just so excited for GIMH's miracle. Praise God, He is still in the miracle business. (by the way, I don't know how to make a link, feel free to give me tech advice!)
A fellow blogger is saying things she is grateful for each day in November, so I will try to the same Maybe showing my gratitude will change my heart from focusing on my sorrow.
Here goes:
(1) My wonderful husband, he always keeps me remembering that God still loves me even though He took my babies to their eternal home.
(2) My three sweet godsons . . . what an honor to watch them grow.
(3) Good sales at JCP! Seriously, I love to shop!
Even my husband told me today "Isn't too early in the month to be feeling this way?" That question did wonders for my spirit! Yeah right. I did not hold it against him though because I am wondering the same thing.
Today is cd 13 and it was so funny that I actually got upset for not having the bodily signs I want to see at this stage in the game. I guess it is possible for me to have a peak on cd 12, but that would be a record for me. I did feel some pain on my left side today that would have made me think it could be related to O pain.
I am confident that I am way too emotional about all of it, but I just felt so hopeless today. I thought to myself, I guess we just have to learn to live with dissatisfaction. I don't think that I can settle to be like that though and I don't think I should have to, but if I am storing up my treasures in Heaven, then why should I worry?
I am amazed at how God moves in the lives of others, but I just wonder what He has in mind for us. I am tired of begging. Yet I will keep begging if I will get what I want. The only way to find out is to keep begging :)
I am just so excited for GIMH's miracle. Praise God, He is still in the miracle business. (by the way, I don't know how to make a link, feel free to give me tech advice!)
A fellow blogger is saying things she is grateful for each day in November, so I will try to the same Maybe showing my gratitude will change my heart from focusing on my sorrow.
Here goes:
(1) My wonderful husband, he always keeps me remembering that God still loves me even though He took my babies to their eternal home.
(2) My three sweet godsons . . . what an honor to watch them grow.
(3) Good sales at JCP! Seriously, I love to shop!
Friday, November 6, 2009
I survived!
If the way the morning was going was going to indicate the results of my test today, I would have been in trouble.
I said I have been avoiding all kinds of things lately and I really did not want to get up to go to town to do MORE fertility testing. I must have pressed the SNOOZE 3 times when the phone promptly rings at 7:30 AM and it is the insurance lady at the hospital telling me: "Your insurance is not going to cover this service today because it was coded as being related to INFERTILITY!" I tell you if I here one more person use the word Infertility around me today, I just might be willing to give them a black eye even though it is no longer Halloween.
I ended up figuring out she was trying to run the pre-authorization wrong and she tried to blame my doctor for coding it wrong. I simply told her "It is always someone else's fault, right?" It really caused her to stop and realize that yes, we are always looking to point fingers at someone else.
So since my hsg was set for 9:00 AM and I live 1/2 an hour away from the hospital, I get on the phone to the insurance agency and get close to nowhere, but at least the lady was nice. I was crying at this point bc here I am figting to get some stupid test done that I don't really want to have to do at all. Well, my doctor's office doesn't open until 9:00 AM so I call at 7:40 and leave a message explaining the situation. I then decide I am not going to miss taking this test. I can fight the insurance later and if a few hundred dollars is all it takes for me to have some peace of mind, we will have to work with that.
I quickly dressed and headed out to town and then the office manager from my doctor's office calls me at 8:20 to let me know that she got my message and is getting the paperwork checked out and that they was not code of IF on the paperwork. I asked her to make me copies of all the paperwork and I will pick it up on my way to the hospital. She agrees to this and remains courteous, I do love my new doctor's office. Thankfully, my doctor is right next to the hospital so I hurry to get there and do all the admitting junk, but only after stopping at W.algreen's to get some advil. FYI, the advil did work to make it less painful.
I finally make it to the doctor's office, get all the paperwork and manage to get to the hospital on time. Whew.
Yet, when I get there, they take their time in admitting and then I find out that the staff thinks I am scheduled for 10AM. I am holding the appointmet time in my hand and there are still telling me it is NOT at 9 AM and I will have to wait.
WAIT! The story of my life.
So I wait and I was so thankful that I waited. I had the most kind radiologist and Rad Tech I have ever met. They were worth the wait. They were thorough, kind, and patient.
YET, the silly girls prepping me ask "Is this for infertility?" There were not ready for my answer when I told them no. I am not infertile. I MONITOR my fertility. My fertility is not exactly waving me in, but I do believe I have SOME! I told them that I just had a loss of my left tube due to a rupture for the ectopic pregnancy in May. I told them we want to know if the other tube is good.
Woe to the next person who asks me if I am infertile!!!
I think I have just aquired a great distaste for that word and this word is no longer going to define me. I am a woman who is struggling to have the family I have always dreamed about.
Well, the test actually went well and we got some really great pictures of my tubes, cervix, and uterus. The doctor exclaimed in the beginning of the procedure "You've got a great looking cervix" Something I never thought I would hear, but oh such a tender gesture for him to share that when he knew I was so nervous. The right tube was FULLY OPEN! There was free spill on the right side. AMAZING. My tube was nothing like the images we see in textbooks though. Mine seemed so long and thin and curvy, but the doctor said this is a great tube given my history. The best thing is that I saw the images with my own eyes.
He also said "The proof is in the pudding though" Meaning that we will have to just wait and see if a fertilized egg will make its way to my womb. For the time being we are just going to assume that I have great eggs and ovulate with clomid.
My husband called me as I was leaving the hospital and I told him the news. He was relieved. I am relieved.
I did tell him, I guess we will try until we have nothing left to offer. We will just have to trust that if God wants to bring new life and if it finds its way to my uterus we will be thankful and if we are able to conceive new life and the baby gets stuck again, we will still be thankful for that little life and it will still all be worth it. We will just offer praise to God in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.
I just don't know if another pregnancy is part of God's will for us, but I am hoping so and I am hoping that this might be a baby I can hold and watch grow.
I am still so in love with adoption too. It is really hard on my heart to not be ready to pursue adoption yet when I am ready to start that process. I don't want to come across as silly, but my heart is just so moved with love for all children, that I want to be ready for the one (or more) God is ready to share with us.
Baylie is HOME! I am so happy. She is hurting and moving slowing, but she still jumps although I am trying to keep her from doing this. My heart aches to see her hurting. It makes me wonder if this is just a taste of what J felt as he watches me suffer?
Thanks for all your prayers for both me and Baylie! We are grateful!
I said I have been avoiding all kinds of things lately and I really did not want to get up to go to town to do MORE fertility testing. I must have pressed the SNOOZE 3 times when the phone promptly rings at 7:30 AM and it is the insurance lady at the hospital telling me: "Your insurance is not going to cover this service today because it was coded as being related to INFERTILITY!" I tell you if I here one more person use the word Infertility around me today, I just might be willing to give them a black eye even though it is no longer Halloween.
I ended up figuring out she was trying to run the pre-authorization wrong and she tried to blame my doctor for coding it wrong. I simply told her "It is always someone else's fault, right?" It really caused her to stop and realize that yes, we are always looking to point fingers at someone else.
So since my hsg was set for 9:00 AM and I live 1/2 an hour away from the hospital, I get on the phone to the insurance agency and get close to nowhere, but at least the lady was nice. I was crying at this point bc here I am figting to get some stupid test done that I don't really want to have to do at all. Well, my doctor's office doesn't open until 9:00 AM so I call at 7:40 and leave a message explaining the situation. I then decide I am not going to miss taking this test. I can fight the insurance later and if a few hundred dollars is all it takes for me to have some peace of mind, we will have to work with that.
I quickly dressed and headed out to town and then the office manager from my doctor's office calls me at 8:20 to let me know that she got my message and is getting the paperwork checked out and that they was not code of IF on the paperwork. I asked her to make me copies of all the paperwork and I will pick it up on my way to the hospital. She agrees to this and remains courteous, I do love my new doctor's office. Thankfully, my doctor is right next to the hospital so I hurry to get there and do all the admitting junk, but only after stopping at W.algreen's to get some advil. FYI, the advil did work to make it less painful.
I finally make it to the doctor's office, get all the paperwork and manage to get to the hospital on time. Whew.
Yet, when I get there, they take their time in admitting and then I find out that the staff thinks I am scheduled for 10AM. I am holding the appointmet time in my hand and there are still telling me it is NOT at 9 AM and I will have to wait.
WAIT! The story of my life.
So I wait and I was so thankful that I waited. I had the most kind radiologist and Rad Tech I have ever met. They were worth the wait. They were thorough, kind, and patient.
YET, the silly girls prepping me ask "Is this for infertility?" There were not ready for my answer when I told them no. I am not infertile. I MONITOR my fertility. My fertility is not exactly waving me in, but I do believe I have SOME! I told them that I just had a loss of my left tube due to a rupture for the ectopic pregnancy in May. I told them we want to know if the other tube is good.
Woe to the next person who asks me if I am infertile!!!
I think I have just aquired a great distaste for that word and this word is no longer going to define me. I am a woman who is struggling to have the family I have always dreamed about.
Well, the test actually went well and we got some really great pictures of my tubes, cervix, and uterus. The doctor exclaimed in the beginning of the procedure "You've got a great looking cervix" Something I never thought I would hear, but oh such a tender gesture for him to share that when he knew I was so nervous. The right tube was FULLY OPEN! There was free spill on the right side. AMAZING. My tube was nothing like the images we see in textbooks though. Mine seemed so long and thin and curvy, but the doctor said this is a great tube given my history. The best thing is that I saw the images with my own eyes.
He also said "The proof is in the pudding though" Meaning that we will have to just wait and see if a fertilized egg will make its way to my womb. For the time being we are just going to assume that I have great eggs and ovulate with clomid.
My husband called me as I was leaving the hospital and I told him the news. He was relieved. I am relieved.
I did tell him, I guess we will try until we have nothing left to offer. We will just have to trust that if God wants to bring new life and if it finds its way to my uterus we will be thankful and if we are able to conceive new life and the baby gets stuck again, we will still be thankful for that little life and it will still all be worth it. We will just offer praise to God in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.
I just don't know if another pregnancy is part of God's will for us, but I am hoping so and I am hoping that this might be a baby I can hold and watch grow.
I am still so in love with adoption too. It is really hard on my heart to not be ready to pursue adoption yet when I am ready to start that process. I don't want to come across as silly, but my heart is just so moved with love for all children, that I want to be ready for the one (or more) God is ready to share with us.
Baylie is HOME! I am so happy. She is hurting and moving slowing, but she still jumps although I am trying to keep her from doing this. My heart aches to see her hurting. It makes me wonder if this is just a taste of what J felt as he watches me suffer?
Thanks for all your prayers for both me and Baylie! We are grateful!
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