I am literally

 

about to lose my mind. 

This heart can only take so much stress.

I have been working like a mad woman trying to do all of my part to get Mitchell ready for his transition/move for a year and today I called to make sure what time we should arrive there to complete paperwork and bring him and they throw me a HUGE curveball.  Seriously, I am stressed, worn-out, and just plain overwhelmed.  They told me basically that there was never a formal acceptance of him for admission yet because they did not receive a Psychological Assessment on him yet.  I explained to them that the Psychiatrist’s office told me that she faxed in everything I requested over 10 days ago.  My next call was not much better when I called the office to see if they can hurry and send in that information.  He cannot go until they review this assessment.  They psychiatrist’s office tells me that they cannot do it there and that I will likely need to schedule it with another psychologist.  I call them and the earliest I can get him in is on the 8th of March and then at least another 10 days for the paperwork to be completed.  Oh, and the cost would be 100% my responsibility for $600. 

My next call is to the Ranch asking if they have anyone they normally use to these type of circumstances and I get a name and number with a much better price tag but when I call I get their voicemail.  I have been functioning with the mindset that if I can survive until March 1st, I can have my own Mental Health Day” but it seems it will be delayed which for all intents and purposes is ok, if he would just stop giving me H.E.L.L.  Yesterday, I was about to give up, he was full of anger, meanness, and bad thoughts that he garnished from his visit with his paternal side of the family over the weekend.  Waiting is ok, if he would stop fighting me tooth and nail about all of it.

The other side of his family seemed to undermine what we are trying to help him accomplish by going to this ranch, but they are not with him daily and do not get the calls from school or have to be responsible for his well-being and soul.

Joseph has been a trooper while I try to get things done and supplies bought, but the reality is I miss spending my days focused on playing and learning with just him and having the older boys at school.  Joseph is a homebody and all this running around is taking a toll on him.

There has been financial stress too, but it is all going to be ok.  Jessy’s truck died last week and we searched for a new one rather than sink all our money into a repair again that would not last and ended up buying a nice family truck and the monthly note is good, but still unexpected.

I want my calm life back.  All prayers welcome, especially for Mitchell.

“More Church”

 

I want to write that things at our home have improved and in some ways they have, but there is still many things being worked out and the kinks seem firm sometimes.

Joseph and I spent some time in prayer yesterday at a very beautiful church and while I was barely able to say a single “Hail Mary” my heart found much consolation just being there with Jesus.  Joseph must feel the peace too, because he wanted ‘more Church” too.  I could have spent the entire afternoon there, even with Joseph creeping along the empty pews as I prayed.  The only prayer he knows and can say a few words to is the “Hail Mary”.  I figure that is my prayer of choice with I am feeling like I am lost at sea in this life.  Only Jesus calms the storm, but Momma Mary helps calm my heart in the midst of the storm.

Sometimes we just have to live through the storms, clinging to the trust that Jesus is in the boat with us.  This is the lesson I want all the boys in my home to learn.  I mess up daily, multiple times in fact, but Jesus is always there to welcome me back.

Our update

I have been trying to blog for over a week, but I have not been able to finish a post. Life has been extremely busy and overwhelming. Joseph is terrifically two and the older boys have been needing even more direction than usual.
We have decided to have Mitchell enroll at an residential boys ranch that is Christian based and while we have all been at peace about it, outsiders seem to believe we don have his best interest at heart.
We did not make this decision lightly and it was only after much prayer, professional input, and meeting the other boys and staff at the place that we have decided to move forward. It will be hard in everyone, but taking the road of convince and easy do not always get you where you need to be in life.

I keep calling it "moving day" because it feels like I am sending one of my children off to college. I have been all over the place emotionally about it and today's questioning from his paternal side of the family did not help. We have no opposition from his mother and although others want to be critical, none are willing to make the hard choices we are encountering. He really thought we would change our minds, but a change is necessary. He can lie, cheat, and steal so easily and we cannot let him continue this path without fighting for his soul and his future. We can't fight for him, he has to want a better life, but we are trying to give him the tools that he can use to be successful and live a life pleasing to God and his neighbor.
Life has been incredibly hard. The weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders it seems and I am pushing through in hope that God will be the victor in Mitchell, Matthew and Joseph's lives!
I have found that I am gaining so much courage to walk this lonely road by following the example of our Beloved Pope Benedict XVI. His wisdom in saying I can not do the job well in my current state, reminds that there is great giftedness in not being prideful. Please keep us in your prayers!!

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