Changes

I have been having some emotional turmoil this week when people just feel it is their responsiblity to remind us that there are many children who are needing to be adopted. Really? I would have never guessed. Oh, and by the way . . . the reason we have not chose to do that is not because we are selfish or unaware of the fact that that is a wonderful way to build a family. Unfortunately, we are still trying to see if my body can nurture human life. We are putting all of your resources - prayer, money, energy, etc into that right now. I almost fell off that bandwagon this week. All of the sudden, I just wanted to quit all the trying. All of the waiting. Yet, just because we start the adoption process is no reason to believe that we will wait less to meet and hold our child. There is too many awful comments to even mention. Yet even my Spiritual Director mentioned using ART to me. I was blown away. I am so tired of being around people who are in catholic leadership who do not honor the teachings of the catholic church. I told them that the ART she was referring to was against church teaching and they just asked me "So that means you wouldn't do it?" Seriously, I am suprised I did not just walk out right there. Why does Satan use so many different ways to get to us? I am feeling attacked at all sides. I am really having a difficult time with my working environment and was even encouraged to open up my own private day care this week. I will discern that as well as try to figure out if I would rather just get my educaiton certification. I am struggling in so many areas.
I do want to adopt. I do want to have a baby naturally. Why do I have to choose? I want them all. I want all the children that God desires for me to raise to glorify Him. Yesterday, J asked me which direction I wanted to go and while he asked, he wasn't really open to pursuing adoption at this time. I keep reminding myself that somehow, God can be using him to keep us on track to being blessed with our miracle. We will see. Only time will tell. I am not trying to be sad or down on J, this is just the way things are at this time. I believe that miracles still happen every day and ours will come at just the right time. I believe that we are still under God's care and that my suffering is life! My suffering is like the labor before holding that beautiful new creation in your arms and kissing them for the first time. I believe that my suffering is birthing something beautiful. I pray that that the will be a time when I can enjoy the sunlight in spite of the rain, finding the rainbow that God uses to remind that I will never be drowned by the suffering, but that His never ending love will be my dry shore.

On a lighter note, I changed the pictures on the blog! Let me know what you think!

Good Weekend

This weekend turned out to be so busy! There is definitely some sleep deprivation going on in this household. I am on cd 19 (I think) and it seems that I am now P+1. Finally there was a P day! I am having a lot of strange feelings around my ovaries and my one tube today. It comes and goes and has been happening for almost this whole cycle. I am really concerned about it, but am so tired of worrying.
We had so much fun spending time with our dear friends and their family this weekend. We celebrated our godson's 1st birthday. We were around some amazing families and people who shared our values, truly a gift and something we don't take for granted anymore. I have been telling J that it would be great that if we would just keep hanging out with our super fertile friends that we would be fertile by osmosis. hahaha. It made it very hard to avoid days of fertility after you have just been so surrounded by fertility? Does this make any sense? It just seems to me that when I am surrounded by babies and little ones, I am so much more on fire to try to have one of my own. Lord, I am ready for you to make a highway in this desert of my body. Make me fertile, please God. I will continue to beg God to bring new life into our family. I am so happy for another blogger shared her happy news of pregnancy. It just gives me so much hope!
One last thought, I had some amazing conversation with my dear friend yesterday and was just so thankful that God uses friends to share his love and insight with us. I told her how I had struggled for a while about wondering if it was prudent to try to conceive again and that I blamed myself for harming my baby and getting angry with my body for it not only failing me, but failing my baby. She unquestionably immediately said "It is prudent to keep trying to be open to life. . .seek it with all your heart . . .beg God" I felt that God just reached down from heaven with another message to get me through the next few hurdles that are surely going to meet me on this journey. Very similiar to the first reading this morning from Mass. We need to be fed to be ready for the journey. I am so thankful for so many that feed me daily with hope, grace, and joy. To God be the glory!

Quiet Days

I have been stalking some blogs just waiting to see how this weekend went for those on the BW weekend. I was a little sad all weekend that I couldn't join yall. I am so glad it was so life=giving for those that went though! God is moving!
Life over here seems to be moving so slow! I am only on cd 14. I had had the strangest CM pattern that I had to just motivate myself to chart. I ran out of charts and tried to order one two weeks ago and no one sent one to me, so if any of you have some ideas on where I can order some new ones, let me know. I hate having to wait so long with the place I typically order them from, but it is mainly volunteers and no one works in the office on a regular basis. Enough about that.
I did try to get creative and did a chart on the computer so that I can see what is really happening. This could possibly be my P day, only time will tell. I am not having the kind of CM that we were able to conceive on so I am discouraged. We are supposed to avoid days of fertility right now and while that may sound freeing, it is very different and not all that much fun! There is a purpose in all of this. I am trying to lose a few pounds but I have been crazy hungry the last three days. Do people really get the munchies around ovulation time? We had homemade hamburgers tonight with some healthy ole doritos!! Oh, with a side of dill pickles :) Very nutritious I tell you!
Work has really been very difficult, but I finally did talk to my director and expressed my feelings. Thankfully, he listened objectively. I don't know if I accomplished anything, but I feel much better.
We have been having lots of game nights with my in-laws lately and it has been fun. You should see them love on our cats. It really suprises me how much joy they find in their little antics.
Baylie and Daisy are getting along great these days, although Daisy would probably love it if Bay was not such a hog when eating. We have to give Daisy a chance to eat by herself because Bay is such a little hungry monster! Fun days!
We will be heading out to see our godson this weekend in anticipation for his first birthday. I remember the day he was born. It was one month before my open surgery with Dr. H and I was so hopeful that I could find myself in the maternity ward in a year or so! Well, life does send us curveballs, but I am still so thankful that I was at the hospital the day he was born. Our sweet, little godson - we are so thankful for him!
Hope you all have a great week! Still saying prayers that we will all have many bright days ahead!